序言与致谢 Prefaces & Acknowledgements

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Eve’s Preface and Acknowledgements

伊芙的序言与致谢

Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. Maybe many of us won’t be here to greet her, but on a quiet day, if I listen very carefully, I can hear her breathing. ARUNDHATI ROY¹

另一个世界不仅是可能的，她正在路上。也许我们中的许多人无法在这里迎接她，但在安静的日子里，如果我非常仔细地倾听，我能听到她的呼吸。 阿兰达蒂·洛伊 (Arundhati Roy)¹

CONTENT NOTE: This chapter discusses sexual assault, domestic violence, child death and residential schools.

内容提示：本章讨论性侵犯、家庭暴力、儿童死亡和寄宿学校。

There was nothing particularly remarkable about that October morning in 2014. But in the mental play of my life, it stands out as a sort of intermission between acts, a clear moment between “before” and “after,” though I wouldn’t recognize it until years later. That threshold is marked in my memory by yellow maple leaves, morning mist on a lake, the smell of fall and of mountain soil, and a dream I wasn’t ready to wake up from.

2014 年 10 月的那个早晨并没有什么特别之处。但在我人生的心理剧本中，它就像是一场幕间休息，一个清晰划分“之前”和“之后”的时刻，尽管直到多年后我才意识到这一点。在我的记忆中，那个门槛被黄色的枫叶、湖面上的晨雾、秋天和山间泥土的气味，以及一个我不愿醒来的梦所标记。

I had just spent two months on the road promoting the first edition of More Than Two, then subtitled A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. With my co-author of that edition, I’d driven over 7,000 kilometres in a camper van, stopped in dozens of cities and spoken to thousands of people. Our itinerary often involved speaking in one city in the evening, driving several hours to the next, camping on public land overnight, and then speaking again the next evening. Other times, we’d drive for days through the desert or mountains between events.

我刚刚花了两个月的时间在路上推广《多于两人》的第一版，当时的副标题是《道德多边恋实用指南》(A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory)。我和该版本的合著者开着露营车行驶了超过 7000 公里，在几十个城市停留，向成千上万的人演讲。我们的行程通常是晚上在一个城市演讲，然后驱车数小时前往下一个城市，在公共土地上露营过夜，第二天晚上再进行演讲。有时，我们会在两场活动之间驱车数天，穿越沙漠或山脉。

I remember it as one of the most idyllic times of my life. Wrapped up in a sense of purpose, warmly received at every stop by people eager to hear our perspectives, convinced we were making the world a better place. The whole thing still feels unreal, suspended in a sort of crystalline bubble in my mind.

我记得那是我一生中最田园诗般的时光之一。我被一种使命感所包围，在每一站都受到渴望听到我们观点的人们的热烈欢迎，坚信我们正在让世界变得更美好。整件事现在感觉仍然不真实，悬浮在我脑海中某种水晶般的气泡里。

That morning, it was coming to an end. We’d given our last talk in Montana, driven through the next day, and camped at a state park just east of Washington’s Snoqualmie Pass. The next leg of the journey would bring me home. While my co-author slept, I savoured the last few peaceful hours. I showered, made coffee, sat for awhile in the morning silence … then opened my phone. Who the fuck is Jian Ghomeshi?

那天早上，这一切即将结束。我们在蒙大拿州进行了最后一次演讲，第二天开车穿过，在华盛顿州斯诺夸尔米山口 (Snoqualmie Pass) 以东的一个州立公园露营。下一段旅程将带我回家。当我的合著者还在睡觉时，我享受着最后几个宁静的小时。我洗了澡，煮了咖啡，在清晨的寂静中坐了一会儿……然后打开了我的手机。 简·戈梅希 (Jian Ghomeshi) 他妈的是谁？

I’d become a Canadian citizen just days before the start of the tour, and my assimilation was far from complete. The name and face of the then-beloved host of CBC Radio’s Q had been unknown to me until that morning. The day before, Ghomeshi had made a tearful Facebook post announcing he had just been fired from his job at the CBC, claiming he was being blacklisted for disclosing his participation in consensual kink. Later that same evening, the Toronto Star² published an article detailing allegations by four women that Ghomeshi had engaged in nonconsensual punching, choking and biting, among other things, during dates, and had sexually harassed a colleague.

我在巡回演讲开始前几天才成为加拿大公民，我的同化还远未完成。直到那天早上，我才知道这位当时深受喜爱的加拿大广播公司 (CBC) 电台节目 Q 的主持人的名字和面孔。前一天，戈梅希在 Facebook 上发了一篇声泪俱下的帖子，宣布他刚刚被 CBC 解雇，声称他是因为披露自己参与合意的性癖 (kink) 活动而被列入黑名单。同一天晚上晚些时候，《多伦多星报》(Toronto Star)² 发表了一篇文章，详细报道了四名女性的指控，称戈梅希在约会期间进行了未经同意的殴打、掐脖子和咬人等行为，并性骚扰了一名同事。

I fell down the rabbit hole. Ghomeshi had defenders who believed his kink-shaming story, but women were speaking up, saying he’d long had a reputation in Toronto as a bad date, and pointing out how his Facebook post smelled like someone trying to get ahead of a story.

我陷入了这个深坑。戈梅希有支持者相信他关于“性癖羞辱”(kink-shaming) 的说法，但女性们纷纷站出来，说他在多伦多早就有着“糟糕约会对象”的名声，并指出他的 Facebook 帖子闻起来就像是有人试图抢在故事曝光前先发制人。

Later that evening, Andrea Zanin, a blogger I’d admired ever since their post the previous year on “the problem with polynormativity,” published a piece called “poor persecuted pervert?” examining the allegations with a lens that was both survivor-centric and kink-and sex-positive. That post would go viral, be republished by Ms. magazine, and lead to Andrea’s sudden mainstream visibility. Through those two blog posts, and a series of threads leading through our professional lives and the website formerly known as Twitter, within a few months the two of us would find ourselves together in a Toronto bistro, where I have another vivid sensory memory of another moment that proved itself, in retrospect, to be a turning point: a beautiful meal, and several hours of surprisingly (for two people who’d just met) deep and connecting conversation.

那天晚上晚些时候，安德莉亚·扎宁 (Andrea Zanin)——一位我自前一年读过其关于“多边恋常态化 (polynormativity) 的问题”的文章后就一直钦佩的博主——发表了一篇名为“可怜的受迫害的变态？”(poor persecuted pervert?) 的文章，以既以幸存者为中心又对性癖和性持积极态度的视角审视了这些指控。那篇文章后来在网络上疯传，被《女士》(Ms.) 杂志转载，并让安德莉亚突然获得了主流关注。通过这两篇博客文章，以及贯穿我们职业生活和那个前身为 Twitter 的网站的一系列线索，几个月内，我们两人就在多伦多的一家小酒馆里相聚了。在那里，我有另一个生动的感官记忆，那是另一个回想起来被证明是转折点的时刻：一顿美餐，以及几个小时令人惊讶的（对于两个初次见面的人来说）深入且连接的对话。

The allegations against Ghomeshi broke three years before #MeToo exploded across social media. But things were changing. Ghomeshi employed all the strategies used throughout living memory by dangerous men—and they didn’t work. But beyond that, the tone of the media coverage was different, and not just in how it handled allegations of sexual assault. As Andrea would describe to me later, the kink element just… wasn’t really a thing. There was no ick factor. Even in national publications, there was a tacit acceptance that Ghomeshi’s misdeed was his handling of consent, and not his interest in BDSM. Even the fact that he’d tried “I’m just being kink-shamed!” as a defence at all (and many people bought it, at least until the Star article came out) showed that ideas about kink and consent were filtering into the mainstream.

对戈梅希的指控爆发在 #MeToo 运动席卷社交媒体的三年前。但事情正在发生变化。戈梅希使用了危险男性在人们记忆中一直使用的所有策略——但它们没有奏效。除此之外，媒体报道的基调也不同了，不仅仅是在处理性侵犯指控方面。正如安德莉亚后来向我描述的那样，性癖元素……真的不算是个事儿。没有那种厌恶感。即使在全国性出版物中，人们也默认戈梅希的不当行为是他对知情同意的处理，而不是他对 BDSM 的兴趣。甚至他试图用“我只是被性癖羞辱了！”作为辩护这一事实本身（许多人信了，至少在《星报》的文章出来之前），也表明关于性癖和知情同意的观念正在渗透进主流。

Do you remember 2014? Like, really remember it? It’s dizzying to think of everything that’s happened in the last ten years. It was before #BlackLivesMatter became a household phrase; before the 2015 report of Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, which sought to force the country to finally confront the horrifying legacy of residential schools in Canada; before the 2016 US presidential election and the visible rise of fascism across the Americas; before the COVID-19 pandemic; before the siege of Gaza.

你还记得 2014 年吗？我是说，真的记得吗？想到过去十年发生的一切，让人头晕目眩。那是在 #BlackLivesMatter（黑人的命也是命）成为家喻户晓的短语之前；在 2015 年加拿大真相与和解委员会发布报告之前，该报告试图迫使该国最终面对加拿大寄宿学校的可怕遗产；在 2016 年美国总统大选和法西斯主义在美洲明显抬头之前；在 COVID-19 大流行之前；在加沙被围困之前。

By the time Andrea and I connected over brunch in early 2015, the first tiny ends were beginning to show of the threads that would eventually, dramatically, unravel my entire life. Of course, I didn’t know that then, either. But many other things were about to unravel, too, around the world.

当安德莉亚和我在 2015 年初共进早午餐时，那些最终将戏剧性地瓦解我整个生活的线头，才刚刚露出最初微小的端倪。当然，那时我也并不知道。但世界上许多其他事情也即将瓦解。

Nothing ever really changes all at once, of course. A lightning strike begins days or weeks before, with changes in the atmosphere that may begin hundreds of miles away. Earthquakes may be decades or centuries in the making, as tension builds between tectonic plates. The same is true of human lives, relationships and societies: Ruptures, upheavals and revolutions never happen spontaneously (even when they feel that way), but are always preceded by years or decades of dissatisfaction, tension, learning, organizing and quiet change, building under the surface.

当然，没有任何事情是真的突然改变的。闪电袭击始于数天或数周前，始于数百英里外的大气变化。地震可能酝酿了数十年或数个世纪，随着构造板块之间张力的积累。人类的生活、关系和社会也是如此：断裂、剧变和革命从不是自发发生的（即使感觉上是那样），而在它们发生之前，总是有数年或数十年的不满、张力、学习、组织和安静的变化在表面之下积聚。

If the fall of 2014 had been an intermission, by the summer of 2021 the curtain had fallen on the following act. I was living in a different city, recently divorced, still in COVID isolation, trying to pick up the loose ends of my life and weave something new. That summer there were no peaceful dreams or mists on mountain lakes. There were orange flowers under orange skies, and row upon row of children’s shoes.

如果说 2014 年的秋天是幕间休息，那么到了 2021 年的夏天，下一幕的帷幕已经落下。我住在不同的城市，刚离婚不久，仍处于 COVID 隔离中，试图收拾生活的残局，编织新的东西。那个夏天没有宁静的梦境，也没有山湖上的薄雾。只有橙色天空下的橙色花朵，以及一排排儿童的鞋子。

So-called British Columbia was on fire. Animals were dying by the billions in record heat. And across the province, ground-penetrating radar investigations were finding first hundreds, then thousands, of “anomalies” beneath the earth on the grounds of former residential schools, believed to be unmarked graves of children who’d died there. 215 in Kamloops. 40 in Sechelt. 159 in Williams Lake. 160 on Kuper Island. It seemed more were found every week.

所谓的英属哥伦比亚省当时正在燃烧。在创纪录的高温下，数十亿动物正在死亡。在全省范围内，探地雷达调查在前寄宿学校的地下发现了最初数百个，随后数千个“异常”，这些被认为是死在那里的儿童的无名坟墓。坎卢普斯 (Kamloops) 215 个。锡谢尔特 (Sechelt) 40 个。威廉斯湖 (Williams Lake) 159 个。库珀岛 (Kuper Island) 160 个。似乎每周都有更多发现。

The Indian residential school system had operated in Canada for well over a century—the last one closed in 1996—and was an integral part of the colonial effort to assimilate Indigenous people by eliminating their culture and language. Hundreds of thousands of children were taken from their families, forced to have their hair cut and clothes changed, forbidden to speak their languages, and subjected to psychological, physical and often sexual abuse. Thousands died—maybe tens of thousands; statistics are poor. Thousands are still alive today as adults. (Lest the Americans reading this be tempted to feel superior: You had these schools too. The guiding principle of “Kill the Indian and save the man” came from one of the American founders of the system.³)

印第安寄宿学校系统在加拿大运作了一个多世纪——最后一所于 1996 年关闭——是殖民努力不可或缺的一部分，旨在通过消除原住民的文化和语言来同化他们。成千上万的儿童被从家庭中带走，被迫剪发、换装，禁止说自己的语言，并遭受心理、身体以及往往是性的虐待。成千上万人死亡——也许是数万人；统计数据很匮乏。成千上万人今天作为成年人仍然活着。（以免读到这里的美国人产生优越感：你们也有这些学校。“杀在印第安人，拯救那个人”(Kill the Indian and save the man) 的指导原则正是来自该系统的美国创始人之一。³）

In Canada, where the country at large has finally, in the last two decades, begun to grapple publicly with the legacy of residential schools, orange has become the colour of reconciliation. That summer, when the news of unmarked graves began to emerge, I picked marigolds from my garden and brought them to the steps of the legislative building, where people had piled shoes, flowers, candles and teddy bears in a makeshift memorial to the lost children.

在加拿大，整个国家在过去二十年终于开始公开应对寄宿学校的遗产，橙色已成为和解的颜色。那个夏天，当无名坟墓的消息开始传出时，我从花园里摘下万寿菊，带到立法大楼的台阶前，人们在那里堆放了鞋子、鲜花、蜡烛和泰迪熊，作为对逝去儿童的临时纪念。

I still don’t really know how to talk about that summer. I don’t want to talk about yet another white woman’s awakening to something so many millions of others already knew in their bones, generations deep. I’ve been a leftist, and an activist in various forms, all my life, and I like to imagine that I am better informed than most people of my background about the kind of world we live in. But like so many privileged people, I knew without really knowing. I was able to intellectualize, observe and empathize with the suffering of the world and critique the monstrous systems that generate it, all while floating a bit outside it all.

我仍然不太知道该如何谈论那个夏天。我不想谈论又一个白人女性对某种事物的觉醒，而这种事物是数百万其他人几代人以来刻在骨子里的认知。我一生都是左派，以各种形式参与激进活动，我喜欢想象自己比大多数同背景的人更了解我们生活的这个世界。但像许多享有特权的人一样，我知道但并非真的知道。我能够理智化、观察并同情世界的苦难，并批评产生这种苦难的畸形系统，却始终游离其外。

I didn’t learn anything particularly new that summer, but I did learn how to feel some things that I perhaps had long known. One of my teachers that summer was an episode of the podcast All My Relations⁴ that talked about love: specifically, how one of the main purposes of the residential school system had been to destroy love. How generations of stolen children had grown up not knowing love, never hearing “I love you” said to them, and came home to their communities unable to express it to their own children. How recovery from the damage of colonization had to include relearning how to love.

那个夏天我并没有学到什么特别新的东西，但我确实学会了如何去感受一些我可能早就知道的事情。 那个夏天我的老师之一是播客 All My Relations⁴ 的一期节目，谈到了爱：具体来说，寄宿学校系统的主要目的之一就是摧毁爱。几代被偷走的孩子如何在不知道爱的情况下长大，从未听过有人对他们说“我爱你”，回到社区后无法对自己的孩子表达爱。从殖民化的伤害中恢复必须包括重新学习如何去爱。

That podcast wasn’t talking to me, or people like me. I am a white, Christian settler, the eighth generation of my family on this continent, and my ancestors were not the victims of genocide or slavery—they were its perpetrators. But what I came to understand then was that my ancestors had passed down a wound to me, too. My privilege, the relative ease with which I move through the world, comes at a price, and that price is paid with my heart and my soul. This was a bargain made hundreds of years before my birth, and I was taught to pay the price before I could ever understand it. Love had been taken from me, too. These systems, settler colonialism and capitalism, rely on all of us interacting through a lens of power. They rely on the destruction of relationships with each other, with the earth, with ourselves. If we all felt empathy, compassion, connection, love—really felt them, all the time—the system couldn’t survive. So it starves us of those things, early on. We’re not ever supposed to even know what we’ve lost.

那个播客不是说给我，或像我这样的人听的。我是白人，基督徒定居者，是我家族在这个大陆上的第八代，我的祖先不是种族灭绝或奴隶制的受害者——他们是肇事者。但我当时明白的是，我的祖先也把一种创伤传给了我。我的特权，我在世界上相对轻松的行动，是有代价的，这个代价是用我的心和灵魂支付的。这是在我出生前几百年达成的交易，而在我能理解它之前，我就被教导要付出这个代价。爱也被从我身上夺走了。这些系统，定居者殖民主义和资本主义，依赖于我们所有人通过权力的镜头进行互动。它们依赖于破坏我们彼此之间、与地球之间、与我们自己之间的关系。如果我们都感受到同理心、同情心、连接、爱——真的感受到它们，一直感受到——这个系统就无法生存。所以它很早就剥夺了我们这些东西。我们甚至不应该知道我们失去了什么。

That summer, while the world burned, I experienced a profound, wordless grief beyond anything I can remember. I grieved for the children, for the lost languages and stories, for the planet, for the past and the future, for myself. And slowly that grief turned into a rage so hot I sometimes felt it alone was capable of burning the world. What we have lost is incalculable—in terms of ecosystems, biodiversity, cultures and languages, and human lives, of course. But also, less tangibly, in terms of the things systems of domination have demanded we kill off in ourselves so that we will sustain and tolerate those systems. We have all been robbed of love. It’s on us to find it again—or to reimagine it.

那个夏天，当世界在燃烧时，我经历了任何记忆中都无法比拟的深刻、无言的悲伤。我为孩子们、为失去的语言和故事、为地球、为过去和未来、为我自己而悲伤。慢慢地，那种悲伤变成了一种如此炽热的愤怒，有时我觉得仅凭它就足以烧毁世界。 我们失去的东西是无法估量的——当然包括生态系统、生物多样性、文化和语言以及人类生命。但也包括那些不那么有形的东西，那些统治系统要求我们扼杀在自己内心的东西，以便我们将维持和容忍这些系统。 我们都被剥夺了爱。我们需要再次找到它——或者重新构想它。

Everyone on this planet today is living through a global unravelling: of societies, ecosystems, empires, and stories about who we are and how we should live. What will come next? Will we live in the world of the most dire sci-fi dystopias? Or will we, somehow, build something better? Nothing ever changes all at once. Ghomeshi’s career was over; his comeback attempts would fail. It was tempting to think things were slowly getting better. But backlash was inevitable. In a criminal trial in 2016, the defence used tried-and-true strategies to attack the credibility of his accusers, and this time, it worked: Ghomeshi was acquitted.

今天地球上的每个人都在经历一场全球性的瓦解：社会、生态系统、帝国，以及关于我们是谁和我们应该如何生活的故事都在瓦解。接下来会发生什么？我们将生活在最可怕的科幻反乌托邦世界里吗？还是我们会以某种方式建立更好的东西？ 没有任何事情是一下子改变的。戈梅希的职业生涯结束了；他的复出尝试将会失败。人们很容易认为情况正在慢慢好转。但反弹是不可避免的。在 2016 年的一次刑事审判中，辩方使用了屡试不爽的策略来攻击原告的可信度，这一次，它奏效了：戈梅希被无罪释放。

Then in 2022, millions of people revelled in the “global humiliation”⁵ campaign waged on social media against actress Amber Heard as she defended herself against a defamation suit brought in the United States by her celebrity ex-husband. According to the findings of a UK judge 18 months earlier, that ex-husband had beaten, kicked and sexually assaulted Heard and ripped hair out of her head, all in a context of verbal and emotional abuse and coercive control. Despite the overwhelming evidence Heard had to back up what was ultimately a depressingly typical account of experiencing domestic abuse,⁶ the North American public seemed all too ready to swallow her abuser’s account of her as a liar and manipulator of Gone Girl–level proportions.

然后在 2022 年，数以百万计的人在社交媒体上针对女演员艾梅柏·希尔德 (Amber Heard) 发起的“全球羞辱”⁵ 运动中狂欢，当时她正在为她的名人前夫在美国提起的诽谤诉讼进行辩护。根据 18 个月前英国法官的裁决，这位前夫曾殴打、踢踹和性侵犯希尔德，并扯掉她的头发，所有这些都发生在言语和情感虐待以及强制控制 (coercive control) 的背景下。尽管希尔德有大量证据来支持这起最终令人沮丧的典型家庭暴力经历，⁶ 但北美公众似乎太愿意接受施虐者对她的描述：一个骗子，一个《消失的爱人》(Gone Girl) 级别的操纵者。

I am less concerned with the fates (or careers) of dangerous celebrity men than I am with the way society, from the press to the justice system to TikTok influencers, treats the people they harm—and what that says about all of us. These high-profile cases are a symptom. The disease is the system, and the system is all of us: how quick we are to dehumanize, how easily we turn on one another, how readily we seek power, how reluctant we are to give it up.

我不太关心危险名人男性的命运（或职业生涯），我更关心的是社会——从媒体到司法系统再到 TikTok 网红——对待受害者的方式，以及这说明了我们所有人的什么问题。这些备受瞩目的案件只是一种症状。疾病是这个系统，而系统就是我们所有人：我们多么快地去人性化，多么容易地相互攻击，多么乐意寻求权力，多么不愿放弃权力。

I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to heal the wounds, in myself and others, passed down from the generations before me, and then re-enacted and re-experienced in my relations with so many wounded others. I know I will never live to see the different, better world so many are trying to create. So what do you do with that kind of knowledge? I’m taking a page from Lauren Olamina, the imperfect protagonist of Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower,⁷ on how to survive an apocalypse: You learn what you can, then you teach what you know. And we survive together.

我知道我将在余生中努力治愈我自己和他人身上的创伤，这些创伤是从我之前的几代人传下来的，然后在我与众多受伤的人的关系中重演和重新体验。我知道我永远无法活着看到那么多人试图创造的那个不同的、更美好的世界。那么，有了这样的认知，你要怎么做？ 我从奥克塔维亚·巴特勒 (Octavia Butler) 的《播种者的寓言》(Parable of the Sower)⁷ 中不完美的主角劳伦·奥拉米纳 (Lauren Olamina) 那里学到了一招，关于如何在世界末日中生存：你尽你所能去学习，然后把你所知道的教给别人。然后我们一起生存下去。

It was also in 2021 that I realized I needed to create a new edition of More Than Two. The first edition, which had sold close to 200,000 copies, had helped many people—but it was flawed to begin with, and by the time it was seven years old, my thinking (and that of nonmonogamous folks in general) had moved beyond it. But I didn’t know how to start such an undertaking. Diving back into the manuscript meant coming face-to-face with too many of my own wounds, in ways I was not yet prepared for.

也是在 2021 年，我意识到我需要创作《多于两人》的新版本。第一版卖出了近 20 万册，帮助了许多人——但它从一开始就有缺陷，到了它出版七年后，我的思想（以及广大非单偶制人士的思想）已经超越了它。但我不知道该如何开始这项工作。重新钻研手稿意味着要面对太多我自己的创伤，以一种我尚未准备好的方式。

By the time I acquired the rights to More Than Two, in January 2023, Andrea and I had developed both a friendship and a long-standing working relationship, through my role as a publisher and theirs as an editor. As someone also aligned with my values in nonmonogamy (and much of life), they were a natural choice to help me revise the book. As the collaboration developed, it became clear they should be my co-author. This book could not have existed without them. While the bones of the original are there, we’ve revised every bit of it, and added significant new content.

当我在 2023 年 1 月获得《多于两人》的版权时，安德莉亚和我已经通过我作为出版商和她们作为编辑的角色，建立了友谊和长期的工作关系。作为一个在非单偶制（以及生活的大部分方面）价值观与我一致的人，她们是帮助我修订这本书的自然人选。随着合作的深入，很明显她们应该成为我的合著者。没有她们，这本书就不可能存在。虽然原书的骨架还在，但我们修订了其中的每一部分，并增加了重要的新内容。

The book you hold in your hands now is the culmination of ten years of unlearning and relearning, grief and heartbreak, unravelling and breaking and remaking. It’s a triumph and an apology, an attempted righting of past wrongs and a prayer for the future, a tiny—and, I hope, humble—contribution to the vital project of love.

你现在手中的这本书是十年来的忘却与重学、悲伤与心碎、瓦解、破碎与重塑的顶点。这是一个胜利也是一个道歉，是试图纠正过去的错误，也是对未来的祈祷，是对至关重要的爱的工程的一个微小的——我希望也是谦卑的——贡献。

So many people today are trying to reimagine love. Or to reclaim it, or both. Much as I fear what the future holds, I am grateful to live in a time when this is happening, and for the many opportunities to learn. I owe a great deal to the incredible minds (and hearts) of those whose work have influenced me over this past decade. There are too many to name, but a few worth mentioning are adrienne maree brown, Alexandra Stein, AV Flox, Carrie Jenkins, Charlie Jane Anders, Chelsey Rhodes, Danya Ruttenberg, Estelle Ellison, Heidi Priebe, Jessica Fern, Kai Cheng Thom, Kali Tal, Kate Manne, Kelly Hayes, Kim TallBear, Kitty Stryker, Leila Raven, Mia Mingus, Monica Byrne, Nora Samaran and Shelly Deforte.

今天有那么多人在试图重新构想爱。或者夺回爱，或者两者兼而有之。尽管我害怕未来会怎样，但我很感激能生活在这个正在发生这一切的时代，并感激有这么多学习的机会。这十年来，许多人的工作影响了我，我对这些不可思议的头脑（和心灵）亏欠良多。名字太多无法一一列举，但有几位值得一提：adrienne maree brown, Alexandra Stein, AV Flox, Carrie Jenkins, Charlie Jane Anders, Chelsey Rhodes, Danya Ruttenberg, Estelle Ellison, Heidi Priebe, Jessica Fern, Kai Cheng Thom, Kali Tal, Kate Manne, Kelly Hayes, Kim TallBear, Kitty Stryker, Leila Raven, Mia Mingus, Monica Byrne, Nora Samaran 和 Shelly Deforte。

I am also thankful for my anchors, especially Shelly, Zach, Kat, Dan and Wayne, for never letting me forget who I am. But more than anything, I owe my gratitude to the underground: to the whisperers, the whistleblowers and the secret-keepers, the tellers of stories—stories as nourishment, stories as medicine, stories as survival, passed quietly through the nodes of a global network that is always there, but that you only find when you really need it. The ones who know that you always answer that message, always take that call. The ones who name names; the ones it’s not safe to name.

我也感谢我的锚点，特别是 Shelly, Zach, Kat, Dan 和 Wayne，感谢你们从未让我忘记我是谁。 但最重要的是，我要感谢地下组织：那些低语者、吹哨人和保守秘密的人，那些讲故事的人——故事作为营养，故事作为良药，故事作为生存，在那个总是存在但只有当你真正需要时才会发现的全球网络的节点中悄悄传递。那些知道你总是会回复那条信息，总是会接听那个电话的人。那些点名道姓的人；那些点名不安全的人。

We survived. Thank you. I love you.

我们活下来了。 谢谢。 我爱你们。

EVE RICKERT Lekwungen and W̱SÁNEĆ territory (Victoria, BC) June 2024

伊芙·里克特 (EVE RICKERT) Lekwungen 和 W̱SÁNEĆ 领地（卑诗省维多利亚） 2024 年 6 月

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Andrea’s Preface and Acknowledgements

安德莉亚的序言与致谢

I read the first edition of More Than Two when it originally came out, and reviewed it on my blog at the time. I had a lot of praise for its focus on ethics, and some criticism for the things I felt it left out. Never would I have imagined the flow of events over the ensuing decade that would culminate in me co-authoring the book’s second edition.

当《多于两人》第一版最初出版时我就读过了，并在当时的博客上发表了评论。我对它对伦理的关注给予了很多赞扬，但也对我认为它遗漏的内容提出了一些批评。我从未想过，随后十年的事件流转最终会让我成为这本书第二版的合著者。

When Eve first asked me to help out, I was honoured. I knew the project was one of great significance to her, and since my initial role was as an editor, I devoted myself to fixing the things she wanted fixed and making her voice shine. As an editor, my job is to enhance, polish and clarify an author’s voice, not to insert my own. If someone else’s book sounds like me, I’ve done a bad job!

当伊芙第一次请我帮忙时，我感到很荣幸。我知道这个项目对她意义重大，由于我最初的角色是编辑，我致力于修正她想要修正的地方，并让她的声音闪耀。作为一名编辑，我的工作是增强、润色和澄清作者的声音，而不是插入我自己的声音。如果别人的书听起来像我写的，那我就失职了！

When Eve first mentioned the possibility of being co-authors, I was resistant. As her friend, I wanted her to have the experience of making it entirely hers—kind of like how if someone goes through a tough divorce, you might support them as they settle into their new solo apartment. I was also skeptical of the notion that I’d have anything of value to add. But as the project developed, and our conversations about it deepened, it became clear that my own voice might have its place after all. So my first thank you goes to her: for trusting me and making space for me to join my voice with hers. Making More Than Two, Second Edition, has been an incredibly rich and rewarding collaborative project, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to contribute to it and learn through it.

当伊芙第一次提到成为合著者的可能性时，我是抗拒的。作为她的朋友，我希望她能体验到完全属于她的创作——就像如果有人经历了艰难的离婚，你可能会支持他们安顿到新的单身公寓一样。我也怀疑自己是否有什么有价值的东西可以添加。但随着项目的发展，以及我们就此进行的对话加深，很明显我自己的声音终究可能有其一席之地。所以我的第一个感谢要给她：感谢她信任我，并腾出空间让我把我的声音加入到她的声音中。制作《多于两人》第二版是一个极其丰富和有益的合作项目，我很感激有机会为此做出贡献并在其中学习。

Speaking of learning… my own trajectory has happened over the same timeline as Eve’s, but with different milestones. The Ghomeshi affair that Eve details in her preface was significant for me, of course, but in a very different way. When it occurred, I was struggling with debilitating chronic pain from what turned out to be the regrowth of a rare spinal cord tumour for which I’d previously had surgery. After my blog post went viral, the mainstream media suddenly saw me as a source on BDSM and consent, and the interview requests came fast and thick.

说到学习……我自己的轨迹与伊芙发生在同一时间线上，但有着不同的里程碑。伊芙在序言中详述的戈梅希事件对我来说当然也很重要，但方式截然不同。当它发生时，我正遭受着使人衰弱的慢性疼痛的折磨，后来证实这是一种罕见的脊髓肿瘤复发，我之前曾为此做过手术。在我的博客文章疯传之后，主流媒体突然将我视为 BDSM 和知情同意方面的消息来源，采访请求纷至沓来。

I remember being interviewed for a TV show, leaving the studio, and taking a call from another journalist in the car as my then-partner drove me to the pain clinic. There, I sat on an examination table awaiting my weekly set of nerve block shots, in which a doctor inserted a long needle through the holes of my sacrum and shot carbocaine directly into my spinal nerves. I nearly passed out on the table, as I did every week; I sipped a juice box to revive myself a bit and limped back out to the car to go home and talk with another journalist. Numbness was bliss, but it only lasted a few days. The urgency of speaking out on consent—trying to make it clear to the public that you can consent to kinky fun, but assault is never okay—was a welcome distraction from my own grinding, intractable pain.

我记得在接受一个电视节目的采访后，离开演播室，当我当时的伴侣开车送我去疼痛诊所时，我在车里接到了另一位记者的电话。在那里，我坐在检查台上等待每周一次的神经阻滞注射，医生将长针穿过我的骶骨孔，将卡波卡因直接注射到我的脊神经中。我在桌子上几乎昏了过去，就像我每周那样；我啜饮了一盒果汁让自己恢复一点，然后一瘸一拐地回到车里，回家与另一位记者交谈。麻木是幸福的，但它只持续了几天。就知情同意大声疾呼的紧迫感——试图向公众表明你可以同意性癖乐趣，但侵犯永远是不可以的——对我自己那种折磨人的、顽固的疼痛来说，是一种受欢迎的分散注意力的方式。

The intensity of the contrast between the topics I was suddenly talking about on national news and the reality of my everyday life was… a lot. It highlighted the schism that had grown for me in the previous few years between the focus I’d always had on sexuality and relationships—in my studies, my community-organizing work, my personal life—and the reality that, living in my body with all its troubles, I couldn’t actually enjoy my sexuality very much at all.

我在全国新闻上突然谈论的话题与我日常生活的现实之间强烈的反差……让人难以承受。这突显了我在过去几年中产生的分裂：一边是我一直关注的性与关系——在我的学习、社区组织工作和个人生活中——另一边是现实，即带着这一身病痛生活，我实际上根本无法享受我的性生活。

A few months later, I had a second major spinal surgery, followed by radiation treatment, which prevented the remnants of my tumour from regrowing again but threw the rest of my health into chaos, leading to many years of agonizingly slow recovery. Almost everything about my life fell to pieces in those years, and the rebuilding has been painstaking and imperfect.

几个月后，我接受了第二次大型脊柱手术，随后是放射治疗，这阻止了肿瘤残留物的再次生长，但却使我其余的健康状况陷入混乱，导致了多年极其缓慢的恢复期。那些年，我生活中几乎所有的一切都分崩离析，重建过程艰辛且不完美。

Meanwhile, as Eve has so clearly described in her preface, the world has been on fire, literally and figuratively. I started out, in my tender youth, as a lefty feminist queer, and the last decade of world events has both deepened my despair and strengthened my convictions. At times, it has brought me into deep cynicism and a sense of voicelessness: With so many awful things happening in the world, at what has seemed a steadily increasing pace, what could I possibly say about sex and relationships that wouldn’t just seem hopelessly out of touch? So instead of speaking, I have listened and learned: through school and social media, books (so many books) and community gatherings, news stories and work projects and everyday life. Tending plants, teaching myself to cook new foods, relearning my body. Deepening some friendships while grieving others; listening to what solitude and silence have to teach.

与此同时，正如伊芙在序言中清楚描述的那样，世界一直在燃烧，无论是字面上还是象征意义上。我在年少轻狂时是一个左翼女权主义酷儿，过去十年的世界大事既加深了我的绝望，也坚定了我的信念。有时，这让我陷入深深的犬儒主义和失语感：世界上发生了这么多可怕的事情，而且似乎在以稳步加快的速度发生，我还能说些什么关于性与关系的话，才不会显得无可救药地脱节呢？所以，我没有说话，而是倾听和学习：通过学校和社交媒体，书籍（很多很多的书）和社区聚会，新闻故事、工作项目和日常生活。照料植物，自学烹饪新食物，重新了解我的身体。在加深一些友谊的同时为另一些友谊的逝去而悲伤；倾听孤独和沉默的教诲。

The disability justice theories I’d learned about in grad school met up with my own bodily experience, which forced me to drop out, but that’s only part of it. When Black Lives Matter disrupted the Toronto Pride parade in 2016, I watched my community split in ways I hadn’t foreseen, with people I used to respect taking the side of police over Black queers. Meanwhile, those same police dismissed the community’s reports of a serial killer preying on gay men; two years later, he would finally be caught, after murdering eight.⁸ (The killer and I had multiple friends in common on social media. It felt very, very close to home.) I read about conspiracy theorists in the news, thinking it was terrible, but feeling safe on the other side of the American border. Then, for weeks in the spring of 2022, a convoy of far-right anti-vax conspiracy theorists in borrowed trucks blighted the streets of Ottawa—and later, Toronto, too—with their hateful messages and ceaseless honking, which I could hear from my own living room: not so far away after all.

我在研究生院学到的残障正义理论与我自己的身体体验相遇了，这迫使我退学，但这只是部分原因。当“黑人的命也是命”运动在 2016 年中断多伦多骄傲游行时，我看着我的社区以我未曾预见的方式分裂，我曾经尊重的人站在了警察一边，而不是黑人酷儿一边。与此同时，同样的警察驳回了社区关于连环杀手在猎杀男同性恋者的报告；两年后，在谋杀了八人之后，他终于被抓获。⁸（凶手和我在社交媒体上有多个共同好友。感觉非常、非常近。）我在新闻中读到阴谋论者，觉得很可怕，但觉得在美国边境的另一边很安全。然后，在 2022 年春天的几个星期里，一队极右翼反疫苗阴谋论者开着借来的卡车，用他们充满仇恨的信息和无休止的鸣笛声破坏了渥太华的街道——后来也到了多伦多——我在自己的客厅里都能听到：看来也没那么远。

I read books by Indigenous writers and learned about decolonization and the long history of genocide against Indigenous people, and then watched as debates raged among different generations of my relatives when the name of our colonizing ancestor, Egerton Ryerson, was removed from a local university along with his statue. I watched a global pandemic sweep the world, shut down our systems, and kill or disable people in my community, mostly the ones who were already most marginalized: elderly and disabled folks, trans people, people of colour. And then I watched my province reelect the premier whose slow responses had cost countless lives and who, to this day, is intent on screwing over the nurses who helped save so many. I watch Gaza burning on the news, while catching the first whiffs of this year’s crop of wildfires, carried into the city on the spring breeze. Turning on my new air purifier feels like a microcosm of the whole situation: an act of self-preservation within my four walls, necessary but nonetheless available to me through privilege, while the larger problem is just so, so much bigger.

我阅读原住民作家的书，了解去殖民化和针对原住民的种族灭绝的悠久历史，然后看着当我们殖民祖先埃格顿·赖尔森 (Egerton Ryerson) 的名字连同他的雕像一起从当地一所大学移除时，我不同代际的亲戚之间爆发了激烈的争论。我看着一场全球大流行席卷世界，关闭了我们的系统，并在我的社区造成人员死亡或残疾，其中大部分是那些原本就最边缘化的人：老人和残障人士、跨性别者、有色人种。然后我看着我所在的省份再次选出那位反应迟缓导致无数生命丧失的总理，直到今天，他仍执意要坑害那些帮助拯救了这么多人的护士。我在新闻中看着加沙燃烧，同时闻到了今年第一批野火的气味，随春风飘进城市。打开我的新空气净化器感觉就像是整个局势的缩影：在我四壁之内的自我保护行为，虽有必要，但也是我通过特权才能获得的，而更大的问题却如此、如此之大。

These, and the many other things I’ve seen, experienced and learned in the last decade have not, for the most part, been about intimate relationships or sexuality, which was my previous area of focus. I’m glad I started out as an editor on this project, because if Eve had started out by saying “Let’s write this book together!” I probably would have demurred for imagined lack of having anything useful to say. It wasn’t until I got into the material that I started to perceive the connections between this other scope of learning and nonmonogamy. The way that we are, at every moment, faced with choices about who to care for and how, about what boundaries to draw and what trust to extend, about what kind of people we want to be and what kind of world we want to live in.

这些，以及我在过去十年中看到、经历和学到的许多其他事情，在很大程度上并非关于亲密关系或性，而那是我是之前的关注领域。我很高兴我作为编辑开始这个项目，因为如果伊芙一开始就说“我们要一起写这本书！”，我可能会因为觉得自己没什么有用的话可说而推辞。直到我深入材料，我才开始察觉到这个其他学习领域与非单偶制之间的联系。我们在每一刻都面临着选择：关心谁以及如何关心，划定什么界限以及给予什么信任，想成为什么样的人以及想生活在什么样的世界里。

My thanks go to the people who’ve been with me in this learning. If we’ve had intimate or intellectual conversations, been vulnerable with each other, turned to each other in hard times and good times, fed each other, checked in, expressed love and care—then I have learned from and through our closeness, and I am grateful. My thanks also go to the countless people whose wisdom I’ve learned from who’ll probably never know it: the writers, thinkers, journalists, storytellers, scientists, entertainers, filmmakers, teachers, scholars, poets and speakers whose ideas and expertise have shaped my thinking from a distance.

我要感谢那些在这场学习中陪伴我的人。如果我们有过亲密或理智的对话，彼此展示过脆弱，在困难和美好的时刻相互求助，互相投喂，互通消息，表达爱和关怀——那么我已经从我们的亲密关系中、通过我们的亲密关系学到了东西，我很感激。我还要感谢无数我从其智慧中学习但可能永远不会知道的人：作家、思想家、记者、讲故事的人、科学家、艺人、电影制作人、教师、学者、诗人和演讲者，他们的思想和专业知识在远处塑造了我的思维。

The world might be burning, but I am glad you’re all in it.

世界可能正在燃烧，但我很高兴你们都在其中。

ANDREA ZANIN Tkaronto (Toronto, Ontario), on the traditional territory of the Mississaugas of the Credit, the Anishnabeg, the Chippewa, the Haudenosaunee and the Wendat peoples June 2024

安德莉亚·扎宁 (ANDREA ZANIN) Tkaronto（安大略省多伦多），位于 Mississaugas of the Credit、Anishnabeg、Chippewa、Haudenosaunee 和 Wendat 人民的传统领土上 2024 年 6 月

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Footnotes

1. Another world Arundhati Roy, War Talk (Cambridge, MA: South End Press, 2003), 75. ↩ ↩²

2. Toronto Star Kevin Donovan, “CBC Fires Jian Ghomeshi Over Sex Allegations,” Toronto Star, October 26, 2014, https://www.thestar.com/news/canada/cbc-fires-jian-ghomeshi-over-sex-allegations/article_892cf877-a892-515b-b05f-7aa044c8eaa3.html. ↩ ↩²

3. founders of the system “‘Kill the Indian in Him, and Save the Man’: R. H. Pratt on the Education of Native Americans,” Carlisle Indian School Digital Resource Center, https://carlisleindian.dickinson.edu/teach/kill-indian-him-and-save-man-r-h-pratt-education-native-americans. ↩ ↩²

4. that talked about love Matika Wilbur, Desi Small-Rodriguez, Adrienne Keene, Geraldine King and Jillene Joseph, “All My Loving Relations,” May 17, 2021, in All My Relations, podcast, https://www.allmyrelationspodcast.com/podcast/episode/48f75f91/all-my-loving-relations. ↩ ↩²

5. global humiliation Gustaf Kilander, “Johnny Depp Said Amber Heard Was ‘Begging for Global Humiliation’ After She Filed for Restraining Order,” The Independent, May 25, 2022, https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/johnny-depp-amber-heard-texts-b2087471.html ↩ ↩²

6. typical account See Michael Hobbes, “The Bleak Spectacle of the Amber Heard-Johnny Depp Trial,” Substack, June 2, 2022, https://michaelhobbes.substack.com/p/the-bleak-spectacle-of-the-amber; and Katelyn Burns, Oliver-Ash Kleine and Michael Hobbes, “Deep Depp-ception,” Cancel Me, Daddy, podcast, May 26, 2022. ↩ ↩²

7. Parable of the Sower Octavia Butler, Parable of the Sower (New York: Four Walls Eight Windows, 1993). ↩ ↩²

8. murdering eight Wendy Gillis, “‘Guilty.’ Serial killer Bruce McArthur admits to first-degree murder in deaths of eight men,” Toronto Star, January 29, 2019, https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/guilty-serial-killer-bruce-mcarthur-admits-to-first-degree-murder-in-deaths-of-eight-men ↩ ↩²