引言 Introduction

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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. MURIEL RUKEYSER¹

宇宙是由故事构成的，而非原子。 缪丽尔·鲁凯瑟 (Muriel Rukeyser)¹

It’s a story as old as time—or so many have been told. Two people meet, they date, they fall in love. They pledge sexual and emotional fidelity, start a family and settle down to live happily ever after, the end.

这是一个古老的故事——或者说许多人被告知是这样的。两个人相遇，约会，坠入爱河。他们发誓在性和情感上忠诚于对方，组建家庭，定居下来，从此过上幸福的生活，剧终。

Stories like this can offer a comforting view of relationships: True love conquers all. Everyone has a soulmate, just waiting to be found. Once you’ve found your soulmate, you will live happily ever after. Love is all you need. There’s no need to work hard at understanding yourself or your needs, no need to keep working on your happiness once you’ve found it. Even queer people, who may be alienated by the heteronormativity of such fairy tales, can end up mentally switching out the genders but retaining the concept as a template to pursue.

这样的故事可以提供一种令人欣慰的关系观：真爱战胜一切。每个人都有一个灵魂伴侣，只待被发现。一旦找到了灵魂伴侣，你就会从此幸福地生活下去。爱就是你所需要的一切。没有必要努力去了解自己或自己的需求，一旦找到了幸福，就没有必要继续为之努力。即使是那些可能对这种童话故事中的异性恋常态 (heteronormativity) 感到疏离的酷儿，也可能会在心理上转换性别，但仍保留这一概念作为追求的模板。

Turns out, though, this story isn’t really all that old. This view of relationships was, until recently, a relatively fringe position, globally speaking. In Canada, where we live, it mostly showed up in the last 200 years or so, imported by European colonizers and imposed on the Indigenous populations as one of many strategies used to break down their families and social structures, “assimilate” them into European culture, and turn them (and their families) into productive units of capitalism. Of course, diverse relationship structures practised by newcomers—both those who came by choice as settlers, and those brought here forcibly and enslaved—also had to go. This imposition of the monogamous couple as an organizing unit of society, and as the only acceptable form of relationship, is called mononormativity. You might also hear it called compulsory monogamy, and it’s backed up by its siblings, heteronormativity and the gender binary. Its younger cousin, amatonormativity—the twin ideas that these monogamous relationships should be based on romantic love and that romantic relationships are the “best” and most important kind of relationships, the ones around which we should organize our lives—showed up even later, really starting to dominate only in the last century or so.

然而，事实证明，这个故事并没有那么古老。从全球范围来看，这种关系观直到最近还是一种相对边缘的立场。在我们居住的加拿大，它主要是在过去 200 年左右出现的，由欧洲殖民者引入，并强加给原住民，作为破坏其家庭和社会结构、将其“同化”入欧洲文化，并将其（及其家庭）转变为资本主义生产单位的众多策略之一。当然，新来者——无论是自愿前来的定居者，还是被强行带到这里并被奴役的人——所实行的多样化关系结构也必须被废除。这种将单偶制伴侣作为社会组织单位，并作为唯一可接受的关系形式的强加，被称为单偶常态 (mononormativity)。你可能也听过它被称为强制性单偶制 (compulsory monogamy)，它得到了它的兄弟姐妹——异性恋常态 (heteronormativity) 和性别二元论 (gender binary) 的支持。它年轻的表亲，恋爱常态 (amatonormativity)——即认为这些单偶制关系应该基于浪漫之爱，且浪漫关系是“最好”和最重要的关系类型，我们应该围绕它来组织我们的生活这一双重观念——出现得更晚，真正开始占据主导地位只是在上个世纪左右。

We don’t have to follow the story created by mononormativity, amatonormativity, and the social and political pressure to marry and have children. For starters, even if we do pursue that path, it often doesn’t work out the way we’re told it will. Plenty of marriages end in divorce; some of these splits are acrimonious, some amicable, most somewhere in between. Blended families are common (and their emotional and practical logistics can have a lot in common with some of the challenges we face in nonmonogamy!). Career paths and educational pursuits can lead partners to live separately or in long-distance relationships, whether temporarily or in the long term. The ongoing housing affordability crisis is inspiring many people to try new living arrangements, such as sharing a home purchase among several adults. One spouse often dies long before the other, leaving the remaining person to create a new life on their own. People discover new things about their sexual orientation, gender or other aspects of themselves, which can profoundly change the nature of the relationships they committed to before knowing these truths. Caring for elderly parents or other loved ones can add new dimensions to a nuclear family’s living situation; in many cultures, it’s normal and expected for multiple generations to live under one roof.

我们不必遵循由单偶常态、恋爱常态以及结婚生子的社会和政治压力所创造的故事。首先，即使我们真的追求那条道路，结果往往也不像我们被告知的那样。许多婚姻以离婚告终；有些分手是激烈的，有些是友好的，大多数介于两者之间。重组家庭很常见（其情感和实际后勤工作与我们在非单偶制中面临的一些挑战有很多共同点！）。职业道路和教育追求可能导致伴侣分居或处于异地恋中，无论是暂时的还是长期的。持续的住房负担能力危机正激励许多人尝试新的居住安排，例如几个成年人共同买房。配偶一方往往比另一方早逝，留下另一方独自创造新生活。人们会发现关于自己性取向、性别或其他方面的新事物，这可能会深刻改变他们在了解这些真相之前所承诺的关系的性质。照顾年迈的父母或其他亲人可能会给核心家庭的生活状况增加新的维度；在许多文化中，多代人同住一个屋檐下是正常且被期望的。

Even if you choose to embrace the idea that romantic relationships (and the pursuit of happiness) should define your life, you probably know that “happily ever after” is a myth. People, unlike characters in fairy tales, are not static. We live, we grow, we change. Healthy, supportive romantic lives require not just continual reinvestment but constant awareness of the changes in our partners, our situations and ourselves. Our partners don’t owe us a guarantee that they will never change, nor do we owe anyone such a guarantee. And as we change, so do the things we need.

即使你选择接受浪漫关系（以及对幸福的追求）应该定义你生活的观念，你也可能知道“从此幸福快乐”是一个神话。人不同于童话里的人物，不是静止不变的。我们生活，我们成长，我们改变。健康、支持性的浪漫生活不仅需要持续的投入，还需要时刻意识到我们的伴侣、我们的处境和我们自己的变化。我们的伴侣不欠我们一个永不改变的保证，我们也不欠任何人这样的保证。随着我们的改变，我们需要的东西也会改变。

Before we get anywhere near nonmonogamy, these and many more trajectories provide a wealth of alternative endings and next chapters, even for those who start out following a mononormative story. People have been creating other relationship structures—and telling other stories about how we should live and love—for as long as we’ve existed. Nonmonogamy as we’re discussing it in this book—an egalitarian kind focused on consent and sometimes called consensual or ethical nonmonogamy (we’ll get to that later)—is just one of these options, and not a particularly new one.

在我们接触非单偶制之前，这些以及更多的轨迹就提供了丰富的替代结局和下一章，即使对于那些一开始遵循单偶常态故事的人来说也是如此。自从人类存在以来，人们就一直在创造其他的关系结构——并讲述关于我们应该如何生活和爱的其他故事。我们在本书中讨论的非单偶制——一种注重知情同意的平权类型，有时被称为合意或道德非单偶制（我们稍后会讨论这一点）——只是这些选项之一，而且并不是什么特别新的选项。

Nonmonogamy can feel threatening because it upsets our fairy-tale assumption that the right partner will keep us safe from change. It introduces the prospect of chaos and uncertainty into what’s supposed to be a straightforward progression to bliss. But relationships don’t usually work that way even if they’re monogamous. A healthy relationship must be resilient, able to respond to the changes and complexity life brings. Nor, as philosopher Carrie Jenkins has written, should happiness even necessarily be the point of life. In her books Sad Love and Nonmonogamy and Happiness, Jenkins argues that such an idea is very much a creation of white, capitalist (mostly American) society, and that it is meaning, rather than happiness, that defines a life well-lived—and good relationships.

非单偶制可能会让人感到威胁，因为它颠覆了我们的童话假设，即合适的伴侣会保护我们免受变化的影响。它将混乱和不确定性的前景引入了本应直通幸福的道路。但即使是单偶制，关系通常也不会那样运作。一段健康的关系必须具有韧性，能够应对生活带来的变化和复杂性。此外，正如哲学家凯莉·詹金斯 (Carrie Jenkins) 所写，幸福甚至不一定是生活的目的。在她的著作《悲伤的爱》和《非单偶制与幸福》中，詹金斯认为，这种观念很大程度上是白人、资本主义（主要是美国）社会的产物，定义美好生活——以及良好关系——的是意义，而非幸福。

The relationship fairy tale also carries other hidden falsehoods. For instance, it promises that one person will always be able to meet all of our needs. The idea that nonmonogamy addresses this situation has its own problems (more on that later), but it’s still unreasonable to expect one person to be everything. And even the basket of “needs” that we are supposed to bring to the table in a romantic relationship—as opposed to having some of those needs met by kinship, friends or community, for example—represents a fairly recent invention of (mostly) white, Western, capitalist, individualist culture.

关系童话还带有其他隐藏的谬误。例如，它承诺一个人将总是能够满足我们所有的需求。非单偶制能解决这种情况的想法本身也有问题（稍后会详细讨论），但指望一个人成为一切仍然是不合理的。甚至我们应该带到浪漫关系中的一篮子“需求”——而不是通过亲属关系、朋友或社区来满足其中一些需求——也代表了（主要是）白人、西方、资本主义、个人主义文化中相当近期的发明。

If we accept the fairy tale, we may feel shaky and insecure whenever reality doesn’t live up to our expectations. We may imagine that if we are attracted to more than one person, something is wrong. And if our one true love is attracted to someone else, we may feel like a failure. After all, if we do everything we’re supposed to do, then we should be enough for our partner, right? And if our partner loves someone else, that means our love isn’t good enough, right?

如果我们接受了这个童话，每当现实不符合我们的期望时，我们可能会感到动摇和不安。我们可能会想象，如果我们被不止一个人吸引，那就是出了问题。如果我们的真爱被别人吸引，我们可能会觉得自己很失败。毕竟，如果我们做了所有应该做的事情，那么我们就应该足以满足我们的伴侣，对吧？如果我们的伴侣爱上了别人，那就意味着我们的爱不够好，对吧？

The idea of The One, the “love of your life,” is seductive. In reality, it’s perfectly possible to have more than one love of your life. Over the last century, society has mostly come to accept that long-term relationships and marriages often don’t last forever, and that it’s possible to fall in love again after a devastating breakup, divorce or loss. In this respect, sequential “loves of your life” are pretty common. In nonmonogamy, we understand that multiple loves can happen at the same time, too.

“唯一”、“一生挚爱”的想法很诱人。实际上，拥有一生中不止一个挚爱是完全可能的。在上个世纪，社会大多已经接受了长期关系和婚姻往往不会天长地久，并且在毁灭性的分手、离婚或丧偶后再次坠入爱河是可能的。在这方面，连续的“一生挚爱”是相当普遍的。在非单偶制中，我们理解多重爱也可以同时发生。

Misconceptions about nonmonogamy

关于非单偶制的误解

Some common responses to learning about nonmonogamy as an option range from “Woohoo! Endless orgies!” to “I don’t buy it. This is just a fancy way of saying your partner lets you cheat.” For anyone who imagines that being nonmonogamous means sleeping with whomever you like, whenever you like, without having to consider others’ feelings, we have some bad news: Nonmonogamous relationships do not mean that anything goes. They require far more listening, discussing and self-analyzing than you might expect. And if you start out with a vision in your head of what they’ll look like, you may be disappointed.

了解到非单偶制是一种选择后，一些常见的反应从“哇哦！无休止的群交！”到“我不买账。这只是‘你伴侣允许你出轨’的花哨说法。”对于任何想象非单偶制意味着你可以随心所欲地与任何人上床，而不必考虑他人感受的人，我们有一些坏消息：非单偶制关系并不意味着一切皆可。它们需要比你预期的多得多的倾听、讨论和自我分析。如果你一开始就在脑海中设想了它们的样子，你可能会失望。

You might end up with one partner, or you might even be single (it’s possible to be nonmonogamous and have no partners at a particular time). You might have fewer partners over your lifetime than someone who has many monogamous relationships in a row; nonmonogamous people can be very picky indeed.

你可能最终只有一个伴侣，或者你甚至可能是单身（作为非单偶制者在特定时间没有伴侣是可能的）。你一生中的伴侣可能比那些连续拥有许多单偶制关系的人要少；非单偶制者实际上可能非常挑剔。

For those who imagine that nonmonogamy is a fancy word to excuse cheating, we also have bad news. Cheating is violating trust by breaking the agreements of a relationship. If having multiple partners does not violate trust, then it’s not cheating, by definition. Betrayal, not sex, is cheating’s defining element. (A person can move from cheating to nonmonogamy, though it’s a road fraught with peril; we get into that in chapter 17.)

对于那些认为非单偶制只是为出轨开脱的花哨词汇的人，我们也有坏消息。出轨是通过破坏关系的协议来侵犯信任。如果拥有多个伴侣不违反信任，那么根据定义，这就不是出轨。背叛，而不是性，是出轨的定义要素。（一个人可以从出轨转向非单偶制，但这充满了危险；我们将在第 17 章深入讨论这一点。）

Some people imagine that a multiple-partner relationship situation has no boundaries at all, but if this is you, think again. Many kinds of nonmonogamous relationships exist; each has its own agreements. But all require trust, respect for everyone’s boundaries and compassionate behaviour.

有些人想象多伴侣关系没有任何界限，但如果是你这么想，请三思。存在许多种非单偶制关系；每一种都有其自己的协议。但所有这些都需要信任、对每个人界限的尊重以及富有同情心的行为。

Despite the images of free-love compounds that occasionally garner the media spotlight, nonmonogamy usually does not mean living in a commune or an intentional community. Not all nonmonogamous people live with multiple partners, or with any partners, for that matter. Nor is nonmonogamy all about couples seeking thirds.

尽管偶尔会有聚光灯下的自由恋爱大院的形象，但非单偶制通常并不意味着生活在公社或意向性社区中。并非所有非单偶制者都与多个伴侣同住，甚至根本不与任何伴侣同住。非单偶制也不全是关于夫妻寻找第三者。

Nonmonogamy doesn’t necessarily suggest a taste for orgies or kinky sex. A good percentage of people into kink, BDSM and sexual exploration of various kinds are also some form of nonmonogamous, and vice versa—but it’s a Venn diagram, not a circle. Plenty of nonmonogamous people aren’t into group sex and don’t have a cupboard full of butt plugs and whips. That being said, the overlap does mean that some people come across the idea of nonmonogamy through their pre-existing interest in BDSM, Leather or kink, or within the communities that gather around these practices and identities. And some people who start hanging out with a nonmonogamous crowd encounter its kinky members, who then introduce them to new ideas about pleasure and pain. The important thing is to not assume that because someone is into one, they must be into the other. The only way to find out what people are into—sexually or relationship-wise—is to ask them. Also, don’t feel pressured to become a sexual adventurer just because you’re interested in multiple relationships! Vanilla is a popular flavour for good reason.

非单偶制并不一定意味着喜欢群交或性癖。很大一部分喜欢性癖、BDSM 和各种性探索的人也是某种形式的非单偶制者，反之亦然——但这只是维恩图的交集，而不是一个圆。许多非单偶制者并不热衷于群交，也没有装满肛塞和鞭子的橱柜。话虽如此，这种重叠确实意味着有些人通过他们对 BDSM、皮革族 (Leather) 或性癖的现有兴趣，或者在围绕这些实践和身份聚集的社区中，接触到了非单偶制的概念。有些开始与非单偶制人群交往的人会遇到其中的性癖爱好者，然后被介绍给关于快乐和痛苦的新观念。重要的是不要假设因为某人喜欢其中之一，他们就一定喜欢另一个。找出人们喜欢什么——在性或关系方面——的唯一方法是询问他们。此外，不要因为你对多重关系感兴趣就感到有压力要成为性冒险家！香草味（Vanilla，指常规性爱）之所以受欢迎是有原因的。

A lot of the focus of this book is on relationships that could be described today as polyamorous, meaning having multiple loving, often committed, relationships at the same time by mutual agreement, with honesty and clarity. We have a few reasons for this focus. The first is simply that it’s a kind of nonmonogamy we both have a lot of experience with. Also, closer or more committed multi-partner relationships are often the ones that require the most navigation of the deeper emotions and practical conundrums that can arise, thus requiring a how-to manual such as this one. Finally, polyamory is the flavour of nonmonogamy most often represented today in the North American mainstream. The word, from the Greek poly, meaning “many,” and the Latin amor, meaning “love,” was coined in the early 1990s by Neopagan author and artist Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, and for a couple of decades, she and her contemporaries were the most visible elements of the late-20th-century North American resurgence in nonmonogamy.

本书的大部分重点放在今天可以被描述为多边恋 (polyamorous) 的关系上，这意味着通过相互协议，以诚实和清晰的方式，同时拥有多个充满爱的、通常是承诺性的关系。我们之所以关注这一点，有几个原因。首先仅仅是因为这是我们两人都有丰富经验的一种非单偶制。此外，更亲密或更具承诺性的多伴侣关系往往是那些最需要驾驭可能出现的更深层情感和实际难题的关系，因此需要像这样一本操作手册。最后，多边恋是当今北美主流中最常表现出的非单偶制类型。这个词源于希腊语 poly（意为“多”）和拉丁语 amor（意为“爱”），由新异教作家和艺术家晨光·泽尔-瑞文哈特 (Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) 在 20 世纪 90 年代初创造，在几十年里，她和她的同代人是 20 世纪晚期北美非单偶制复兴中最明显的元素。

These kinds of nonmonogamous relationships come in an astonishing variety, just like the human heart. There are vee relationships, where one person has two partners who aren’t romantically involved with each other; triad relationships, where three partners are mutually involved; and quad relationships of four people, who may or may not all be romantically involved with one another. Larger configurations exist as well. Quite common are open networks, where each person may have several partners—some of whom may be involved with one another and others not. Relationship networks tend to be loosely structured and often don’t have an overall hierarchy, although local hierarchies may exist in some parts of the network.

这类非单偶制关系有着惊人的多样性，就像人心一样。有 V 型关系 (vee relationships)，即一个人有两个伴侣，但这两人之间没有恋爱关系；三人组 (triad) 关系，即三个伴侣相互卷入；以及四人组 (quad) 关系，即四个人，他们之间可能全部或部分存在恋爱关系。更大的配置也存在。相当常见的是开放网络 (open networks)，每个人可能有几个伴侣——其中一些可能彼此卷入，另一些则没有。关系网络往往结构松散，通常没有整体的等级制度，尽管网络的某些部分可能存在局部等级制度。

Even deeply emotionally intimate, attached or committed relationships can span a spectrum of entwinement and even exclusivity. A nonmonogamous relationship can be closed, which means the people in it agree not to pursue additional partners. When a group of romantically connected people agree to exclusivity, it’s called polyfidelity (or polyfi as an adjective). Or one or more of the people in a nonmonogamous relationship may be actively looking for new partners. A nonmonogamous person might have one or more primary partners and one or more secondary partners, or they may recognize no rankings. They might even have a group marriage, sharing finances, a home and maybe children as a single family. Or they might live alone while prizing their autonomy, friend network and solo time, but still engage in bonded relationships involving varying kinds of commitments.

即使是情感深厚、依恋或承诺的关系，也可能跨越不同的纠缠程度甚至排他性。非单偶制关系可以是封闭的，这意味着其中的人同意不追求额外的伴侣。当一群有浪漫联系的人同意排他性时，这被称为多边忠贞 (polyfidelity)（或作为形容词的 polyfi）。或者，非单偶制关系中的一个或多个人可能正在积极寻找新伴侣。一个非单偶制者可能有一个或多个主要伴侣和一个或多个次要伴侣，或者他们可能不承认任何排名。他们甚至可能有集体婚姻，作为一个单一家庭分享财务、住所，可能还有孩子。或者他们可能独自生活，珍视自己的自主权、朋友圈和独处时间，但仍参与包含各种承诺的连结关系。

Some people imagine that nonmonogamy involves a fear of commitment, but nonmonogamous folks, on average, probably fear (or desire) commitment in about the same proportions as monogamous people. Commitment in nonmonogamy doesn’t mean commitment to sexual (or emotional) exclusivity. Instead, it means commitment to the type of relationship that people agree to have together. In more attached relationships, that might include a commitment to being there when your partners need you, investing in their well-being, building a life with them (whether or not it’s under the same roof), creating healthy relationships that meet everyone’s needs, and supporting one another when life gets hard. Unfortunately, society has taught us to view commitment only through the lens of sexual exclusivity, which diminishes all the other important ways that we commit to one another.

有些人想象非单偶制涉及对承诺的恐惧，但平均而言，非单偶制者对承诺的恐惧（或渴望）比例可能与单偶制者大致相同。非单偶制中的承诺并不意味着对性（或情感）排他性的承诺。相反，它意味着对人们同意共同拥有的关系类型的承诺。在更依恋的关系中，这可能包括承诺在你的伴侣需要你时出现，投资于他们的幸福，与他们共同建立生活（无论是否在同一个屋檐下），建立满足每个人需求的健康关系，并在生活艰难时相互支持。不幸的是，社会教导我们要通过性排他性的镜头来看待承诺，这削弱了我们对彼此承诺的所有其他重要方式。

Many parts of this book are still relevant for people engaging in more casual connections—and of course, even deeply committed polyamorous folks often also engage in casual sex, swinging, comet-style relationships, occasional BDSM play partnerships, and other less entwined forms of nonmonogamy in addition to attached relationships. But you will notice we default toward discussion of the deeper kinds of connections.

本书的许多部分对于那些参与更随意联系的人仍然具有相关性——当然，即使是深度承诺的多边恋者，除了依恋关系之外，通常也会参与随意的性行为、换偶、彗星式关系 (comet-style relationships)、偶尔的 BDSM 游戏伙伴关系以及其他纠缠较少的非单偶制形式。但你会注意到我们倾向于讨论更深层次的联系。

About this book

关于本书

Who are we to be offering advice to others? Where does our perspective come from? We’re both longtime members of a variety of nonmonogamous, queer and kinky communities, sometime community organizers and educators, advocates for relationship choice, and people who have been living in different flavours of nonmonogamous relationships for most of our adult lives. We’re not therapists or researchers. We’re also not experts on nonmonogamy. While knowledge about modern nonmonogamy, both scholarly and experiential, has proliferated in the last few decades, we believe there are no experts—just an increasing number of people with varying viewpoints and sources of information. We are two of those people.

我们是谁，凭什么给别人提供建议？我们的观点从何而来？我们都是各种非单偶制、酷儿和性癖社区的长期成员，有时是社区组织者和教育者，关系选择的倡导者，以及在我们成年后的大部分时间里一直生活在不同风格的非单偶制关系中的人。我们不是治疗师或研究人员。我们也并不是非单偶制方面的专家。虽然关于现代非单偶制的知识，无论是学术上的还是经验上的，在过去几十年里都在激增，但我们相信没有专家——只有越来越多拥有不同观点和信息来源的人。我们就是其中的两个人。

Eve is a white, queer, Gen X, cisgender woman who first heard about polyamory when she was twelve, from a First Day school teacher (that’s Quaker for Sunday school) who challenged her assumptions about monogamous relationships and introduced her to the concepts of primary and secondary partners. In high school, her social group flirted with nonmonogamous ideas and practices, but didn’t have any frameworks or mentors to explore them under that name. She was even very briefly in something like a triad, which lasted about a week because none of the three had any idea that could even be a thing. After high school, Eve’s own relationships started out monogamous, though she had friends who were not. In her late twenties, she and her husband opened their monogamous relationship. Since then, it’s been a two-decade journey through brief flirtations with swinging and hierarchical polyamory, through egalitarian kitchen-table poly as part of a sprawling polycule, to relationship anarchy and solo, parallel polyamory—and for now, voluntary singlehood, with a focus on close friendships, community and cats. During that time, she has blogged, organized local polyamorous groups, spoken at gatherings, led workshops, and for the last ten years, published books on nonmonogamy. She’s also been involved in grassroots anti-abuse work and volunteers locally supporting survivors of sexual assault and as a community member in restorative justice processes.

伊芙 (Eve) 是一名白人、酷儿、X 世代、顺性别女性，她在 12 岁时第一次从一位 First Day 学校（贵格会对主日学的称呼）老师那里听说了多边恋，那位老师挑战了她关于单偶制关系的假设，并向她介绍了主要和次要伴侣的概念。在高中时，她的社交圈对非单偶制的想法和实践跃跃欲试，但没有任何框架或导师来以这个名义探索它们。她甚至曾短暂地处于类似三人组的关系中，这持续了大约一周，因为这三个人都不知道这竟然可以是种关系。高中毕业后，伊芙自己的关系一开始是单偶制的，尽管她有非单偶制的朋友。在她快 30 岁时，她和丈夫开放了他们的单偶制关系。从那时起，这是一段二十年的旅程，经历了短暂的换偶和等级制多边恋，经历了作为庞大多边关系网络一部分的平权“餐桌式多边恋”(kitchen-table poly)，到关系安那其 (relationship anarchy) 和独身、平行多边恋——而现在，是自愿单身，专注于亲密友谊、社区和猫。在那段时间里，她写博客，组织当地的多边恋团体，在聚会上演讲，举办研讨会，并在过去十年出版关于非单偶制的书籍。她还参与了基层的反虐待工作，并在当地作为性侵犯幸存者的支持者和恢复性司法程序的社区成员进行志愿服务。

Andrea is a white, nonbinary, middle-aged queer who discovered nonmonogamy when they found the queer and kink/Leather worlds in Tiohtià:ke (Montreal, Quebec) in 1999, at age 21, having long wondered where they could meet people who shared their inclinations. At that time, queers were fighting for marriage equality, and lots of them—often the very same people—were also engaging in all manner of creative relationship structures and sexual and romantic explorations. Andrea finally felt right at home and tried (almost) everything, from group sex to BDSM to bathhouses to hands-free orgasm workshops. (But not marriage.) They dove into polyamory in 2001 with their first serious girlfriend and were actively nonmonogamous in various arrangements for some 15 years, including spending the better part of a decade in two consecutive triads. During this time, Andrea did an independent undergraduate minor in sexuality studies, and later a master’s in women’s and gender studies with a focus on queer and Leather history, and then began a PhD in the same area. They also blogged, taught and wrote about sex, nonmonogamy and kink through numerous venues and did a lot of community organizing. Eventually, health problems (a rare spinal cord tumour that caused severe chronic pain and disability) took over much of their life and shifted their focus toward treatment and long-term recovery. Now temporarily able-bodied once more, for the past many years they’ve been post-nonmonogamous—a somewhat ambiguous state in which they’re still a strong advocate for people’s right to define and build their relationships as they see fit, including through nonmonogamy, but they are not actively involved in multiple relationships. They recently wrote a book called Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond, also from Thornapple Press.

安德莉亚 (Andrea) 是一位白人、非二元性别、中年的酷儿，1999 年 21 岁时，她在 Tiohtià:ke（魁北克蒙特利尔）发现了酷儿和性癖/皮革族世界，从而发现了非单偶制，她长期以来一直想知道在哪里可以遇到志同道合的人。当时，酷儿们正在争取婚姻平权，而他们中的许多人——通常是同一群人——也在从事各种创造性的关系结构以及性和浪漫的探索。安德莉亚终于感觉像回到了家，并尝试了（几乎）所有东西，从群交到 BDSM 到浴室再到免手高潮研讨会。（除了结婚。）2001 年，她们与第一任正式女友一起投入多边恋，并在大约 15 年的时间里以各种安排积极实践非单偶制，包括在两个连续的三人组中度过了近十年。在此期间，安德莉亚独立修读了性学本科辅修课程，后来攻读了女性与性别研究硕士学位，专注于酷儿和皮革族历史，然后开始了同一领域的博士学位。她们还通过众多渠道写博客、教学和撰写关于性、非单偶制和性癖的文章，并做了大量的社区组织工作。最终，健康问题（一种罕见的脊髓肿瘤导致严重的慢性疼痛和残疾）占据了她们生活的大部分，并将她们的注意力转移到治疗和长期康复上。现在再次暂时身体健全，在过去许多年里，她们一直是后非单偶制者——这是一种有些模糊的状态，她们仍然强烈倡导人们有权定义和建立他们认为合适的关系，包括通过非单偶制，但她们并不积极参与多重关系。她们最近写了一本名为《后非单偶制及超越》(Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond) 的书，也由 Thornapple Press 出版。

Throughout this book, we draw from our personal experiences—some of our own, some we’ve witnessed among the countless people we’ve encountered along our respective journeys. Unless otherwise stated, the examples we give are fictionalized or composite accounts. Everything we suggest comes from what we have observed to work. The things we recommend you avoid are things we have observed, over and over, to cause strife. We’re not criticizing the people doing these “bad” things, unless they act with malice, and we’re not holding up the people doing the things that tend to work as perfect nonmonogamous role models you should emulate (though sometimes, maybe, you might want to). All we’re saying is, if you’re choosing strategies to help you get where you want to go, the ones we suggest here are the ones we’ve observed to be most successful in the long term.

在整本书中，我们借鉴了我们的个人经历——有些是我们自己的，有些是我们在各自旅程中遇到的无数人身上目睹的。除非另有说明，我们给出的例子都是虚构的或综合的叙述。我们建议的一切都来自于我们观察到的行之有效的方法。我们建议你避免的事情，是我们一次又一次观察到会导致冲突的事情。我们不是在批评那些做这些“坏”事的人，除非他们怀有恶意，我们也不是把那些做有效事情的人奉为你应该效仿的完美非单偶制榜样（尽管有时，也许，你可能想这么做）。我们只是说，如果你正在选择策略来帮助你到达你想去的地方，我们在这里建议的是那些我们观察到在长期内最成功的策略。

While this is an advice book, it’s also part polemic. We talk about both best practices and mistakes, sure, but in the time we’ve both been around, we’ve also seen a lot of cruelty, selfishness, exploitation and outright abuse, and we have some feelings about it all. While we do our best to be compassionate to those doing their best to pick out a path among some very difficult terrain, we have little patience for bad actors. Our lefty (if you hadn’t noticed yet) political leanings also heavily influence our approach to both relationships and ethics, and vice versa. And so do our privileges, primarily as white, educated, sometimes able-bodied settlers in Canada. Obviously not everyone sees the world as we do, and you may not agree with everything you read here. That’s fine: We’re here to share what we’ve learned with the intention of helping others, not to issue directives from on high. If what you find here serves you, use it. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Look at some of the other wonderful resources listed in the back of this book to find what meets your needs.

虽然这是一本建议书，但它也带有论战性质。我们确实谈论了最佳实践和错误，但在我们涉足这一领域的时间里，我们也看到了很多残忍、自私、剥削和彻底的虐待，我们对此有些感触。虽然我们尽力对那些在非常困难的地形中努力寻找出路的人表示同情，但我们对坏人没有什么耐心。我们的左派（如果你还没注意到的话）政治倾向也严重影响了我们对关系和伦理的态度，反之亦然。我们在加拿大作为白人、受过教育、有时身体健全的定居者的特权也是如此。显然不是每个人都像我们一样看待世界，你可能并不认同这里读到的所有内容。这没关系：我们在这里分享我们所学到的东西，目的是帮助他人，而不是高高在上地发号施令。如果你在这里发现的东西对你有用，那就使用它。如果没用，那也没关系。看看本书后面列出的其他精彩资源，找到满足你需求的内容。

Themes in this book

本书的主题

As you read this book, you will see several ideas come up again and again. Strong relationships of any kind tend to have certain things in common.

当你阅读本书时，你会看到几个观点反复出现。任何类型的牢固关系往往都有某些共同点。

The first theme is trust. Many problems in any relationship, but especially in nonmonogamous relationships, come down to “How much do I trust my partner?” Having such trust is often more difficult than it sounds, because internal emotions such as insecurity or low self-esteem can affect how much confidence you place in a partner’s love. As well, sometimes partners behave poorly—because nonmonogamy reveals a pre-existing set of troubling ethics or personality traits you didn’t previously see, because they are unskilled and so do some damage as they stumble, or because they’re genuinely bad actors. (We’ll get into that more later.)

第一个主题是信任。任何关系中的许多问题，尤其是在非单偶制关系中，归根结底都是“我有多信任我的伴侣？”拥有这种信任往往比听起来要难，因为诸如不安全感或低自尊等内在情绪会影响你对伴侣之爱的信心。同样，有时伴侣表现不佳——因为非单偶制揭示了你以前没有看到的一套令人不安的伦理或人格特质，因为他们不熟练，所以在跌跌撞撞中造成了一些伤害，或者因为他们真的是坏人。（我们稍后会详细讨论这一点。）

The second theme is courage. Many approaches to nonmonogamous relationships require confronting socially imposed norms and your own fears, and that takes courage. When many people think of courage, they might think of a group of land defenders facing down a militarized police force, or a whistleblower exposing a corrupt or abusive government department—extraordinary acts of bravery in the face of danger. The kind of courage we mean is a more personal, ordinary thing: talking about your feelings even when you’re afraid; taking accountability for harm you’ve done even when it challenges your stories about yourself; giving a partner the freedom to explore new relationships even when you fear being abandoned; challenging yourself to step outside your comfort zone even when you aren’t sure anyone will be there to catch you. Courage is important when tackling anything that’s new and unfamiliar, that your family or loved ones might misunderstand or judge, or that goes against the mainstream notions you’ve been taught since birth and requires you to unpack and examine things you took for granted.

第二个主题是勇气。许多非单偶制关系的方法都需要对抗社会强加的规范和你自己的恐惧，这需要勇气。当许多人想到勇气时，他们可能会想到一群土地保卫者面对军事化的警察部队，或者一个吹哨人揭露腐败或滥权的政府部门——面对危险时的非凡英勇行为。我们所指的勇气是一种更个人、更普通的东西：即使在害怕时也要谈论你的感受；即使挑战了你关于自己的故事，也要为你造成的伤害承担责任；即使你害怕被抛弃，也要给伴侣探索新关系的自由；即使你不确定是否有人会接住你，也要挑战自己走出舒适区。在处理任何新的、陌生的、你的家人或亲人可能会误解或评判的事情时，或者在处理任何违背你从出生就被教导的主流观念并要求你拆解和审视你认为理所当然的事情时，勇气都很重要。

We want to add a caveat here, though, which leads to our third theme: discernment. At every step of your journey, it’s also important to stay connected to your own instincts, sense of self and values. Sometimes, fear is telling you there is real danger and you shouldn’t continue. Sometimes, you shouldn’t push through your discomfort—it means you really, genuinely don’t want to (or shouldn’t) do a thing. Sometimes, as you explore, you hit a boundary and realize that a new idea doesn’t actually work for you, and your original position still suits you just fine. So while it’s great to be courageous, it’s also useful to retain a sense of discernment about how to employ that courage. We discuss this more in chapter 4, among others.

我们要在这里加一个警告，这引出了我们的第三个主题：辨别力。在你旅程的每一步，保持与你自己的直觉、自我意识和价值观的联系也很重要。有时，恐惧是在告诉你存在真正的危险，你不应该继续。有时，你不应该强忍不适——这意味着你真的、由衷地不想（或不应该）做某事。有时，当你探索时，你会碰到界限，并意识到一个新想法实际上并不适合你，而你原来的立场仍然很适合你。所以，虽然勇敢很好，但保留关于如何运用勇气的辨别力也很有用。我们在第 4 章以及其他章节中对此进行了更多讨论。

The fourth theme is ethics. We believe it’s important for everyone to have clear values and to live by an ethical system that they understand and can articulate. In chapter 2, we discuss approaches to ethics in nonmonogamy and outline our own values and ethical systems, which underpin this entire book. And while there’s room for plenty of diversity within the realm of values and ethics, we believe some baseline values need to be present in order for nonmonogamy to work, such as honesty, integrity, and treating people with compassion and respect, no matter what role they play in our lives.

第四个主题是伦理。我们认为，每个人都拥有清晰的价值观并遵循他们理解且能阐明的伦理体系生活，这一点很重要。在第 2 章中，我们讨论了非单偶制中的伦理方法，并概述了我们自己的价值观和伦理体系，这是整本书的基础。虽然在价值观和伦理领域有很大的多样性空间，但我们相信，为了让非单偶制行之有效，需要存在一些基准价值观，例如诚实、正直，以及无论人们在我们生活中扮演什么角色，都要以同情和尊重的态度对待他们。

The last theme we often return to is empowerment. We believe that relationships work best when all the people involved feel empowered to help shape and guide their relationships, to advocate for their needs, and to feel that they have a hand in the outcomes.

我们经常提到的最后一个主题是赋权 (empowerment)。我们相信，当所有相关人员都感到有能力帮助塑造和引导他们的关系，为他们的需求辩护，并感到他们对结果有影响力时，关系运作得最好。

Nonmonogamy, like any worthwhile endeavour, is a journey. We hope to give you some signposts to help you along the way, but nobody can make the journey for you. It is up to you to navigate your way toward relationships rooted in kindness and integrity.

非单偶制，像任何值得的努力一样，是一段旅程。我们希望能给你一些路标来帮助你前行，但没有人能替你走这段路。你需要自己导航，迈向植根于善意与正直的关系。

Nonmonogamy jargon

非单偶制术语

As nonmonogamy has become more visible in mainstream society, it has developed its own vocabulary. Much of that vocabulary has emerged specifically within nonmonogamous circles and communities, but it’s been disseminated widely online and through books, TV shows and podcasts. Folks in nonmonogamous relationships will talk about compersion, a feeling of joy at the happiness of a partner in a new relationship, and NRE, for “new relationship energy,” which is the giddy, honeymoon phase of a newfound love. You might hear someone talk about wibbles, or minor twinges of jealousy. A hinge is someone with two or more partners. A metamour is your partner’s partner. A polycule is a group of people who are affiliated in various ways through the bonds of nonmonogamy but aren’t necessarily all partnered with one another.

随着非单偶制在主流社会中变得更加可见，它也发展出了自己的词汇。其中大部分词汇是专门在非单偶制圈子和社区中出现的，但也通过网络、书籍、电视节目和播客广泛传播。处于非单偶制关系中的人会谈论共喜 (compersion)，即因伴侣在新关系中的幸福而感到的快乐；以及 NRE，即“新关系能量”(new relationship energy)，这是新发现的爱情中令人头晕目眩的蜜月期。你可能会听到有人谈论 wibbles，即轻微的嫉妒或不安。枢纽 (hinge) 是指拥有两个或更多伴侣的人。表侣 (metamour) 是你伴侣的伴侣。多边关系网络 (polycule) 是一群通过非单偶制的纽带以各种方式联系在一起的人，但他们之间不一定都是伴侣关系。

All this lingo can create a certain amount of confusion. After all, the idea of nonmonogamous relationships isn’t new; people have been doing versions of nonmonogamy since the dawn of time. So why all these new words? New terminology arises where old terminology doesn’t fit. These terms have evolved to give contemporary nonmonogamous people a way to discuss the joys, challenges and practical situations they encounter that might not have direct corollaries in monogamy. We have tried to be careful not to overload this book with jargon, but if you get lost, there’s a glossary in the back.

所有这些术语可能会造成一定程度的困惑。毕竟，非单偶制关系的想法并不新鲜；自古以来人们就在进行各种版本的非单偶制。那么为什么要用所有这些新词呢？ 新术语是在旧术语不适用的地方产生的。这些术语的演变是为了给当代非单偶制者提供一种方式，来讨论他们在单偶制中可能没有直接对应物的快乐、挑战和实际情况。我们尽量不让这本书充斥太多术语，但如果你迷路了，书后有一个词汇表。

We’ve also made some broad shifts in our use of language in this second edition of More Than Two. We’ve moved away from defaulting to the term polyamory, instead using the broader term nonmonogamy unless we’re referring to a specific style of nonmonogamous relationship. As the popularity of nonmonogamy has spread, it’s become clear that many people shift among various relationship configurations and styles over time due to circumstances, preferences, stages of life and more. Or they may do more than one style at the same time. For example, a person might have a long-term nesting relationship with one partner and a long-term commitment to another partner, and have flings with additional people while travelling. Nonmonogamy allows us to speak to people across the spectrum of flexibility and change over time in a way that does not insist on rigid categories.

在《多于两人》第二版中，我们在语言使用上也做了一些广泛的调整。我们不再默认使用多边恋 (polyamory) 一词，而是使用更广泛的术语非单偶制 (nonmonogamy)，除非我们指的是一种特定的非单偶制关系风格。随着非单偶制的普及，很明显许多人会因为环境、偏好、人生阶段等原因，随着时间的推移在各种关系配置和风格之间转换。或者他们可能同时进行不止一种风格。例如，一个人可能与一个伴侣有长期的同居 (nesting) 关系，对另一个伴侣有长期的承诺，并在旅行时与其他人生发短暂的恋情。非单偶制这个词允许我们以一种不坚持僵化类别的方式，与处于灵活性和随时间变化光谱中的人们对话。

We’re also making a shift from talking about sexual and romantic relationships to talking about intimate ones, which is more inclusive of the full variety of relationships that can be part of nonmonogamy, as well as relationships where one or more people are on the asexual or aromantic spectrum. It’s also more appropriate when discussing relationship anarchy, which can encompass closely bonded but nonsexual and non-romantic life partnerships, as well as other relationships that don’t neatly fit into a mould.

我们也在从谈论性和浪漫关系转变为谈论亲密 (intimate) 关系，这更包容可以成为非单偶制一部分的各种关系，以及其中一个或多个人处于无性恋或无浪漫情节光谱上的关系。在讨论关系安那其时，这也更合适，它可以包含紧密结合但非性非浪漫的生活伙伴关系，以及其他不能整齐划一地归类的关系。

Finally, we’re avoiding the condensed label poly, except as part of widely used compounds such as solo poly, mono/poly, polyfi and polycule. Over the last decade or so, various folks who identify as Polynesian²—some of whom have also identified themselves as polyamorous—have made repeated requests for polyamorous people to be more mindful of using the abbreviation poly, which many Polynesians also use among themselves. While these requests have mostly focused on titles and hashtags online, to allow the different communities to more easily find each other, we’ve found it’s easier, and just feels a bit more respectful, to get into the habit of spelling out the full word every time. Some people also like using the short form polyam instead, which has the benefit of being unique to polyamory. While Eve sometimes uses this term, we’re not using it in this book—though we encourage you to use what feels good to you. Whatever you choose, please be mindful that those who use the abbreviation poly are sharing it with other groups.

最后，我们避免使用缩写标签 poly，除非作为广泛使用的复合词的一部分，如 solo poly（独身多边恋）、mono/poly（单偶/多边）、polyfi（多边忠贞）和 polycule（多边关系网络）。在过去十年左右的时间里，各种认同为波利尼西亚人 (Polynesian)² 的人——其中一些人也认同自己为多边恋者——一再要求多边恋者更加注意 poly 这个缩写的使用，许多波利尼西亚人也在他们之间使用这个词。虽然这些请求主要集中在网络上的标题和标签上，以便不同的社区更容易找到彼此，但我们发现，养成每次都拼写完整单词的习惯更容易，也让人感觉更尊重一些。有些人也喜欢使用缩写形式 polyam，其优点是多边恋所独有的。虽然伊芙有时使用这个术语，但我们在本书中不使用它——尽管我们鼓励你使用让你感觉良好的词。无论你选择什么，请注意那些使用缩写 poly 的人正在与其他群体共享它。

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Footnotes

1. The universe is made Muriel Rukeyser, The Speed of Darkness (New York: Vintage Books, 1968), quoted in Maria Popova, Figuring (New York: Vintage Books, 2019), 16. ↩ ↩²

2. Who identify as Polynesian See, for example, Kevin Patterson, Love’s Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities (Portland, OR: Thorntree Press, 2018), 47. ↩ ↩²