📗Part 2 非单偶制工具箱 A Nonmonogamy Toolkit

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For those so inclined, nonmonogamy can be pretty awesome. But as you get deeper into this book and read about all the challenges ahead, you might wonder why anyone would walk down this road. You might be tempted to throw up your hands and say, “Nonmonogamy sounds too hard!”

对于那些倾向于此的人来说，非单偶制可能非常棒。但是当你深入阅读本书并读到前方所有的挑战时，你可能会想知道为什么有人会走这条路。你可能会想举手投降说：“非单偶制听起来太难了！”

We don’t agree—at least not for the reasons people say. It’s true that for some people, the costs of nonmonogamy won’t outweigh the benefits, and they might decide to return to exclusivity. But developing the skills to be successful in nonmonogamous relationships? That is hard work for many people. Learning to understand and express your needs, to take responsibility for your emotions, to hear and understand others, and to seek collaborative solutions can all be challenging. However, once you’ve developed those skills, nonmonogamous relationships aren’t inherently any harder than other relationships. The skills we’re talking about aren’t unique to nonmonogamy; they’ll benefit any relationship. So even if you decide later that nonmonogamy’s not for you, the journey you took won’t be a loss. But nonmonogamy in particular will be really, really challenging without those skills. They have to be learned. And, alas, they aren’t often taught.

我们不同意——至少不是出于人们通常所说的原因。确实，对于某些人来说，非单偶制的代价可能得不偿失，他们可能会决定回归排他性关系。但是发展在非单偶制关系中获得成功的技能？这对许多人来说确实是艰苦的工作。学习理解和表达你的需求，对你的情绪负责，倾听和理解他人，并寻求协作解决方案都可能具有挑战性。然而，一旦你发展了这些技能，非单偶制关系本质上并不比其他关系更难。我们谈论的技能并非非单偶制独有；它们将造福任何关系。所以即使你后来决定非单偶制不适合你，你所经历的旅程也不会是损失。但是如果没有这些技能，非单偶制尤其会变得真的、真的具有挑战性。它们必须被学习。而且，遗憾的是，它们通常不被教授。

Think of it like adding compost before planting a garden, so that things will more easily grow. You’re learning a way of approaching relationships that helps them run smoothly.

把它想象成在种花园之前添加堆肥，这样东西会更容易生长。你正在学习一种处理关系的方法，帮助它们顺利运行。

What skills are we talking about? Self-knowledge. Security, integrity, honesty and compassion. Communication. Understanding jealousy. These skills are not easy to master, but once you get a handle on them, all your relationships, including your intimate ones, become much easier. They’re life skills, and they’ll help when you’re parenting your kids, negotiating chores with your roommates, or trying to navigate five generations at a family wedding.

我们在谈论什么技能？自我认知。安全感、正直、诚实和同情心。沟通。理解嫉妒。这些技能不容易掌握，但一旦你掌握了它们，你所有的关系，包括你的亲密关系，都会变得容易得多。它们是生活技能，当你抚养孩子、与室友协商家务或试图在家庭婚礼上应付五代人时，它们都会有所帮助。

Developing these traits is work, sure, but it’s not relationship work—it’s work you do on yourself. In fact, it’s beneficial even if you have no relationships at all!

培养这些特质确实需要付出努力，但这不仅仅是关系工作——这是你在自己身上做的工作。事实上，即使你根本没有任何关系，它也是有益的！

We discuss some big concepts in this part of the book: things like integrity, courage, worthiness and compassion. Don’t get scared off. These are not states you need to attain, and there’s no magic bar you need to reach before you’ll be “ready” to be nonmonogamous. These principles are meant as guides, stars to navigate by. They are not innate character traits, but practices you can cultivate, skills you can learn.

我们在书的这一部分讨论了一些大概念：像正直、勇气、价值感和同情心之类的东西。别被吓跑。这些不是你需要达到的状态，也没有你需要达到的魔法门槛才能“准备好”进行非单偶制。这些原则意在作为指南，作为导航的星辰。它们不是天生的性格特征，而是你可以培养的实践，你可以学习的技能。

Of course, a few chapters in one book can barely scratch the surface of the self-work that’s involved in adjusting to nonmonogamy. What we’re presenting is not a set of instructions, but a collection of principles that we believe are most important in building kind, honest open relationships. These principles are only a jumping-off point; you will need additional resources, which we’ve listed at the back of this book.

当然，一本书中的几章仅仅能触及适应非单偶制所涉及的自我工作的皮毛。我们展示的不是一套指令，而是我们认为在建立友善、诚实的开放关系中最重要的原则集合。这些原则只是一个起点；你需要额外的资源，我们在书的后面列出了这些资源。

And if the things we discuss are linked for you to mental health issues, such as serious anxiety, depression or low self-worth, always consider getting professional help to work through those issues. We make this recommendation as people who have spent plenty of our own time in the therapist’s office and have seen the transformative power of really good psychological help. Some problems can’t be solved with self-help books. When you confront one of them, we urge you to get the help you need without shame or self-judgment.

如果我们讨论的事情对你来说与心理健康问题有关，例如严重的焦虑、抑郁或低自我价值感，请务必考虑寻求专业帮助来解决这些问题。我们提出这一建议，是因为我们自己也在治疗师的办公室里度过了大量时间，并见证了真正好的心理帮助的变革力量。有些问题无法用自助书籍解决。当你面对其中一个问题时，我们敦促你寻求所需的帮助，不要感到羞耻或自我评判。