7 沟通策略 Communication Strategies

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Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts.

SALMAN RUSHDIE¹

那些无法掌控主宰自己生活的故事，无法重述、反思、解构、调侃它，也无法随着时代变迁而改变它的人，才是真正的无力者，因为他们无法产生新的思想。

萨尔曼·拉什迪 (Salman Rushdie)¹

Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. Every single thing that you can’t or won’t talk about, openly and without fear or shame, can be a crack in a relationship’s foundation.

沟通是关系的生命线。任何你不能或不愿公开、无惧、无羞耻地谈论的事情，都可能成为关系基础上的裂痕。

Strategies for successful communication are some of the most important tools in any relationship toolkit, but nonmonogamy often challenges people to communicate to a degree that other relationship models don’t. If one member of a monogamous couple, for instance, is attracted to a third person, they’re usually expected to pretend they’re not. But you can’t really have nonmonogamous relationships without acknowledging your attractions to others! It’s always best to find ways to communicate what you’re feeling with your partners, no matter whether you’re monogamous or nonmonogamous. But if you want to build multiple sustainable relationships, you need to put a lot of topics on the table for discussion that monogamy might have let you avoid.

成功沟通的策略是任何关系工具箱中最重要的工具之一，但非单偶制通常要求人们进行沟通的程度是其他关系模式所没有的。例如，如果单偶制夫妇中的一方被第三者吸引，他们通常被期望假装没有这回事。但是，如果不承认你对他人的吸引力，你就无法真正拥有非单偶制关系！无论你是单偶制还是非单偶制，最好都能找到方法与伴侣沟通你的感受。但是，如果你想建立多段可持续的关系，你需要把许多在单偶制中可能让你回避的话题摆到桌面上讨论。

Communication basics

沟通基础

Learning good communication skills is a lifelong project, not a one-and-done thing. Even if you have a ton of skills, there’s always more to learn—and most people don’t start out with a ton of skills. We can’t possibly cover the topic thoroughly in this book, so we’ll cover only those communication issues we think are most directly applicable to nonmonogamy. We recommend that you make a commitment to improving your communication skills on an ongoing basis, particularly if you’re serious about wanting to pursue nonmonogamous relationships—but it’s worth it even if you decide you prefer monogamy.

学习良好的沟通技巧是一个终身项目，而不是一劳永逸的事情。即使你有很多技巧，也总有更多的东西要学——而且大多数人一开始并没有很多技巧。我们不可能在这本书中彻底涵盖这个话题，所以我们将只涵盖那些我们认为最直接适用于非单偶制的沟通问题。我们建议你承诺持续提高你的沟通技巧，特别是如果你认真想追求非单偶制关系——但即使你决定更喜欢单偶制，这也是值得的。

Certain communication techniques should be in everyone’s toolbox for any relationship. Each of the strategies we’ll discuss has many books dedicated to it, so we’ll just briefly touch on each one. You’ll find great resources for developing these skills at the end of this book. Two of these essential communication tools are active listening and direct communication.

某些沟通技巧应该在每个人用于任何关系的工具箱中。我们将讨论的每一种策略都有许多专门的书籍，所以我们只会简要提及每一种。你会在本书末尾找到培养这些技能的绝佳资源。这两种基本的沟通工具是积极倾听和直接沟通。

ACTIVE LISTENING 积极倾听

When people think about communication, their focus is often on getting across what they want to say. But communication breaks down just as often—if not more often—in the listening as in the speaking. Active listening is a great technique not just for effective communication, but for connecting with your partner: making sure they feel heard. As the listener, this is your chance to show that you are truly interested in and curious about your partner’s experiences, feelings and thoughts, and that you really want to know them deeply. As the speaker, this is your opportunity to show that you trust your partner enough to speak freely with them, to express what you think and feel honestly and without reservation, and that you believe you’ll be heard and received with kindness. It’s an act of care and generosity for both partners. Active listening is often taught in conflict resolution courses and couples counselling.

当人们想到沟通时，他们的注意力通常集中在传达他们想说的话上。但是，沟通在倾听环节出问题的频率和在说话环节一样高——如果不是更高的话。积极倾听不仅是有效沟通的绝佳技巧，也是与伴侣建立联系的绝佳技巧：确保他们感到被倾听。作为倾听者，这是你展示你真正对伴侣的经历、感受和想法感兴趣并充满好奇，以及你真的想深入了解他们的机会。作为诉说者，这是你展示你足够信任你的伴侣，可以与他们畅所欲言，诚实且毫无保留地表达你的想法和感受，并且你相信你会得到倾听和善意接纳的机会。这对双方来说都是一种关怀和慷慨的行为。积极倾听通常在冲突解决课程和伴侣咨询中教授。

As tough as it can be to practise, the mechanics of active listening are pretty simple. You listen intently to what the other person is saying, rather than using that time to think about the next thing you want to say. While you listen, think about trying to fully grasp what they’re saying; to encourage them to express themselves fully, you can use your body language or expressions called minimal provokers, such as “mm-hmm?” or “yeah” or “tell me more.” Then you repeat back to the other person what they have just said to you—in your own words, so that they know you understood. Part of active listening can involve linking facts and feelings, such as saying “So when we made those plans without checking in with you, you felt left out.” Check to make sure you understood them correctly by asking a question, such as, “Did I get that right?” This is an opportunity for the other person to say yes, or to say no and explain further if, in fact, you’ve missed or misunderstood something.

尽管练习起来可能很困难，但积极倾听的机制非常简单。你要专心听对方在说什么，而不是利用这段时间去想你接下来要说什么。当你倾听时，试着完全领会他们在说什么；为了鼓励他们充分表达自己，你可以使用你的肢体语言或被称为“最小激励语”的表达，比如“嗯哼？”或“是的”或“多和我说说”。然后你用自己的话向对方复述他们刚刚对你说过的话，这样他们就知道你理解了。积极倾听的一部分可能涉及将事实和感受联系起来，比如通过说“所以当我们没有和你确认就制定了那些计划时，你觉得被冷落了。”通过提问来检查你是否正确理解了他们，例如，“我理解对了吗？”这是让对方说是，或者如果事实上你遗漏或误解了什么，说不并进一步解释的机会。

You can then trade roles if needed, though this isn’t necessary in every type of conversation. Once one or both people feel understood, you can move on to figuring out solutions together. Because a need to be heard and understood is at the root of many interpersonal conflicts, active listening can go a long way toward defusing intense situations, even when a solution is not yet apparent. Active listening can be challenging, because while you’re the listener, it can be tempting to interrupt with your own perception of events, to defend your actions or to explain a misunderstanding. It can help to think of the process as a deliberate, temporary imbalance: You’re setting aside your own ego and asking your needs to be patient for a little while so that you can fully focus on the other person. Creating this kind of space makes the other person feel safer, more heard, and ultimately softer and more receptive to hearing you in turn. As long as you’re both willing and able to engage in this process equally, the listener’s generosity of spirit benefits both of you in the end, as does the speaker’s willingness to open up and be vulnerable.

如果需要，你们可以交换角色，但这并不是在每种类型的对话中都是必要的。一旦一个人或两个人都感到被理解，你们就可以继续共同寻找解决方案。因为被倾听和被理解的需求是许多人际冲突的根源，积极倾听可以在很大程度上缓解紧张局势，即使解决方案尚不明朗。积极倾听可能具有挑战性，因为当你作为倾听者时，很容易想要打断对方来表达你对事件的看法，为你的行为辩护或解释误解。将这个过程视为一种故意的、暂时的不平衡会有所帮助：你把自己的自我放在一边，让你的需求稍微耐心等待一下，这样你就可以完全专注于另一个人。创造这种空间会让另一个人感到更安全、更被倾听，并最终变得更柔软，更愿意反过来倾听你。只要你们都愿意并且能够平等地参与这个过程，倾听者的慷慨精神最终会使你们双方受益，诉说者愿意敞开心扉和展现脆弱也是如此。

DIRECT COMMUNICATION 直接沟通

Direct communication involves both being direct in what you say—without subtext, hidden meanings, coded language or tacit expectations—and assuming directness in what you hear, without looking for hidden meanings or buried messages. We discussed its counterpoint, indirect communication, at some length in the previous chapter, along with some of the challenges that arise when people are using different communication styles. Here, we want to dig deeper into what direct communication actually looks like. It’s a skill that does not come naturally to everyone, but it’s one everyone can learn—and one that we think every nonmonogamous person must learn if they want to communicate effectively within their intimate networks.

直接沟通既包括你在说话时要直接——没有潜台词、隐藏的含义、编码语言或心照不宣的期望——也包括在听话时假设对方是直接的，不寻找隐藏的含义或埋藏的信息。我们在上一章详细讨论了它的对立面——间接沟通，以及当人们使用不同沟通风格时出现的一些挑战。在这里，我们想更深入地探讨直接沟通究竟是什么样子的。这不是每个人与生俱来的技能，但这是每个人都可以学习的技能——我们认为如果非单偶制者想要在他们的亲密网络中有效沟通，这是每个人都必须学习的技能。

Many excellent resources exist for learning direct communication. Many universities and continuing studies departments offer workshops in direct communication (sometimes called “assertiveness training”). The books by Harriet Lerner listed in the resources section offer good strategies for direct but compassionate communication. We urge you to explore this topic more if it is new to you, but we will touch briefly here on what direct communication is and why it’s so important for nonmonogamous relationships.

有很多优秀的资源可以用来学习直接沟通。许多大学和继续教育部门提供直接沟通的工作坊（有时称为“自信训练”）。资源部分列出的哈丽特·勒纳 (Harriet Lerner) 的书提供了直接但富有同情心的沟通策略。如果这对你来说是新事物，我们敦促你更多地探索这个话题，但我们将在这里简要介绍什么是直接沟通，以及为什么它对非单偶制关系如此重要。

Let’s dispel a couple of myths about direct communication from the outset. Direct communication is not the same thing as being inconsiderate or mean-spirited. It is totally possible to say what you mean without being rude or unkind. As the saying goes, “honesty without compassion is cruelty.” So, for example, you can express that you didn’t like the meal your partner cooked by saying “Normally I love your cooking, but tonight’s dish just didn’t work for me. Too much onion, I think? You’re really good at modifying recipes, so maybe we could try a different version next week!” rather than by saying “Ugh, that dinner was disgusting.” Remember that everyone makes missteps sometimes; if you say something directly in a way that’s unintentionally hurtful, you can apologize and rephrase. It’s important to find the balance between speaking too plainly and being too careful. But the only way you’ll get there is by practising and honing your skills over time, not by holding back and self-censoring.

让我们从一开始就消除关于直接沟通的几个误区。直接沟通不等同于不体贴或刻薄。完全可以在不粗鲁或不友善的情况下说出你的意思。俗话说，“没有同情心的诚实是残忍的。”所以，例如，你可以这样表达你不喜欢伴侣做的饭：“通常我很喜欢你做的菜，但今晚这道菜不太合我胃口。我想是洋葱太多了？你很擅长修改食谱，所以也许我们可以下周尝试不同的版本！”而不是说“呃，那顿饭真恶心。”请记住，每个人有时都会犯错；如果你以一种无意中伤害到别人的方式直接说了些什么，你可以道歉并重新表述。在说得太直白和太小心之间找到平衡很重要。但你只有通过随着时间的推移练习和磨练你的技能才能达到那个境界，而不是通过退缩和自我审查。

Direct communication also does not mean partners aren’t responsible for taking in the more subtle cues, both verbal and nonverbal, that are a normal part of human communication. For example, if your partner is crying, don’t assume they’re fine just because they don’t say “I am feeling sad!” Part of loving someone is paying attention to their overall affect, demeanour, body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and more, and learning the unique ways they express themselves. That doesn’t mean you should try to read their mind; when you notice something, simply check in: “You seem upset! Do you want to talk about it? What do you need right now?” Over time, in most relationships, people build a shared understanding of each other’s nonverbal cues such that they may not need to ask each time. But at first, and as needed over time, direct communication is a way to establish what those cues are and what they mean. It’s part of getting to know someone. The more you build that shared vocabulary, the more shorthand you can create together, and that can feel really intimate. But don’t start out by assuming your own shorthand is obvious to everyone else and easy to understand, and don’t bend yourself into a pretzel trying to read someone else’s cues with no further information to go on. Conversely, if your partner misses or misunderstands a cue, give them the benefit of the doubt; you can just tell them what it means. For example, “If you notice me pulling away like that, it’s not because I’m upset with you, I’m just feeling overstimulated and need to take a step back,” or “I tend to laugh a lot when I’m nervous, but please know I’m not laughing at you.” In other words, nonverbal communication can be a valuable part of direct communication, but—especially in the early stages of a relationship—it’s often most effective when supported by the verbal kind.

直接沟通也不意味着伴侣不需要负责接收作为人类沟通正常部分的更微妙的线索，包括语言和非语言的。例如，如果你的伴侣在哭，不要仅仅因为他们没有说“我感到悲伤！”就假设他们没事。爱一个人的一部分是关注他们的整体情感、举止、肢体语言、面部表情、语调等等，并学习他们表达自己的独特方式。这并不意味着你应该试图读懂他们的心思；当你注意到什么时，只需核实一下：“你看起来很心烦！你想谈谈吗？你现在需要什么？”随着时间的推移，在大多数关系中，人们会对彼此的非语言线索建立共识，以至于他们可能不需要每次都问。但在一开始，以及随着时间的推移根据需要，直接沟通是确立这些线索是什么以及它们意味着什么的一种方式。这是了解某人的一部分。你们建立的共享词汇越多，你们可以一起创造的简写就越多，这会让人感觉非常亲密。但不要一开始就假设你自己的简写对其他人来说是显而易见且容易理解的，也不要在没有进一步信息的情况下为了解读别人的线索而把自己扭成麻花。相反，如果你的伴侣错过或误解了一个线索，给他们善意的推断；你可以直接告诉他们那意味着什么。例如，“如果你注意到我那样抽离，不是因为我对你生气，我只是感到过度刺激，需要后退一步，”或者“我紧张的时候往往会笑很多，但请知道我不是在嘲笑你。”换句话说，非语言沟通可以是直接沟通的有价值部分，但——特别是在关系的早期阶段——如果由语言沟通支持，它往往最有效。

The single most effective way to start communicating directly is to use declarative statements rather than leading questions. For example, say “I would like to go out tonight,” rather than “Would you like to go out tonight?” Statements that begin with “I want,” “I feel” and “I need” are all markers of direct communication. They do not require a decoder ring to interpret correctly.

开始直接沟通的最有效方法是使用陈述句而不是引导性问题。例如，说“我今晚想出去”，而不是“你今晚想出去吗？”以“我想要”、“我感觉”和“我需要”开头的陈述都是直接沟通的标志。它们不需要解码环就能正确解读。

Plain language is another hallmark of direct communication. Make statements in active rather than passive voice (“I broke the vase,” rather than “The vase got broken by my broom handle”). Use simple declarations rather than complex sentences (“I need you to take out the garbage,” rather than “Taking care of this problem with the garbage was supposed to be your responsibility”).

朴实的语言是直接沟通的另一个标志。使用主动语态而不是被动语态陈述（“我打碎了花瓶”，而不是“花瓶被我的扫帚柄打碎了”）。使用简单的声明而不是复杂的句子（“我需要你把垃圾拿出去”，而不是“处理这个垃圾问题原本应该是你的责任”）。

Use specific, concrete examples to illustrate what you’re saying. Instead of saying “You don’t pay attention to my needs,” list examples of times when you feel your needs weren’t met. Take responsibility for your desires, thoughts and feelings. If you’re asked to do something you’d rather not do, don’t make excuses for not doing it. Rather, take ownership of it: “I don’t want to do that.” Remember that even when they’re a reasonable response to other people’s actions, your feelings belong to you. Saying something like “I feel angry” creates more of an opening for empathy and connection than “You make me so angry.” Give your partner the space to talk about their feelings as well.

使用具体、实在的例子来说明你在说什么。与其说“你不关注我的需求”，不如列举你觉得需求未得到满足的具体时刻。对你的欲望、想法和感受负责。如果你被要求做一些你不想做的事情，不要为不做找借口。相反，承认它：“我不想做那个。”记住，即使你的感受是对他人行为的合理反应，它们也属于你。说“我感到生气”比“你让我很生气”更能为同情和连接创造机会。也给你的伴侣空间谈论他们的感受。

Avoid hyperbole and absolutes (“You always leave your socks on the coffee table,” “You never close the garage door”) and inferences of motivation (“You’re only doing that because you want to get rid of me,” “You clearly don’t respect me”). But you can certainly still point out when someone’s words or behaviour leave you feeling unwanted, neglected, abandoned or humiliated, or when someone uses disrespectful or demeaning language. In the first case, you’re making assumptions about the other person’s motivations, whereas in the second, you’re making a statement about your own feelings and experience. Sometimes people act in hurtful or disrespectful ways without realizing it, but if you bring it up several times and they deflect, deny or minimize, there is a bigger problem to deal with.

避免夸张和绝对化（“你总是把袜子放在咖啡桌上”，“你从不关车库门”）以及对动机的推断（“你这么做只是因为你想摆脱我”，“你显然不尊重我”）。但你当然可以指出某人的言语或行为让你感到不受欢迎、被忽视、被遗弃或被羞辱，或者当某人使用不尊重或贬低的语言时。在前一种情况下，你在对对方的动机做出假设，而在后一种情况下，你在陈述你自己的感受和经历。有时人们会在没有意识到的情况下以伤害或不尊重的方式行事，但如果你多次提出，而他们转移话题、否认或最小化，那么就有一个更大的问题需要处理。

Direct communication and active listening are complementary. Active listening means paying attention to what your partner is saying, rather than interrupting them or thinking of ways to refute what they’re saying. Direct communication is saying clearly what you want someone to pay attention to. There is one other element of direct communication: the ability to say yes and, especially, no, without reservation. We’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth repeating: The ability to say no is vital to consent. When one or more partners don’t have a meaningful ability to say no, the relationship becomes coercive.

直接沟通和积极倾听是相辅相成的。积极倾听意味着关注你的伴侣在说什么，而不是打断他们或想办法反驳他们所说的话。直接沟通是清楚地说出你希望别人关注什么。直接沟通还有另一个要素：能够毫无保留地说“是”，尤其是说“不”的能力。我们之前提到过这一点，但值得重复：说“不”的能力对知情同意至关重要。当一个或多个伴侣没有真正说“不”的能力时，关系就变成了强制性的。

Being able to say no also has another advantage. When you are accustomed to using indirect communication, or unable to set boundaries, or when you feel you don’t have the ability to say no to something, it’s very hard for your partner to have confidence in your yes. If you say yes to everything, then your yes might or might not be sincere, and your partner ends up having to guess whether you mean it or not. If you don’t want to do something, you may become resentful when you do it, even if you said yes to it. Conversely, when you are able to say no and your partner knows it, they know your yes is genuine.

能够说“不”还有另一个好处。当你习惯于使用间接沟通，或者无法设定界限，或者当你觉得你没有能力对某事说“不”时，你的伴侣很难对你的“是”有信心。如果你对所有事情都说“是”，那么你的“是”可能是真诚的，也可能不是，你的伴侣最终不得不猜测你是否是真心的。如果你不想做某事，即使你说了“是”，当你做的时候你也可能会产生怨恨。相反，当你能够说“不”并且你的伴侣知道这一点时，他们就知道你的“是”是真诚的。

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED 要求你所需要的

Asking for what you need is hard for most people. And it’s hard to learn to make requests in ways that are really requests, rather than demands, and are heard as such. But being able to ask for what you need, and in fact being good at asking, is pretty key to nonmonogamous relationships—or (as we keep saying) any relationships.

对大多数人来说，要求自己所需的东西是很难的。学会以真正的请求而不是要求的方式提出请求，并让对方听起来也是如此，这也很难。但是，能够要求你所需要的东西，实际上也就是善于提出要求，这对于非单偶制关系——或者（正如我们一直说的）任何关系——来说是非常关键的。

For one thing, there’s the obvious (yet somehow commonly overlooked) fact that if you ask for what you need, you are more likely to get it. And then there’s the fact that people who are getting their needs met tend to be more satisfied and content, and thus better able to be generous as partners. People sometimes think (or others may try to convince them) that they’re being “too needy” when they ask for things, but everybody wins when someone’s needs are being met, not just that person.

首先，有一个显而易见（但不知何故常被忽视）的事实：如果你要求你所需要的，你就更有可能得到它。还有一个事实是，需求得到满足的人往往更满足和快乐，因此更有能力成为慷慨的伴侣。人们有时认为（或者其他人可能试图说服他们）当他们要求东西时是“太粘人/需求太多”，但当一个人的需求得到满足时，每个人都是赢家，而不仅仅是那个人。

The simple act of formulating a request and deciding whom to ask, and how, forces you to get clear on what exactly you need—what’s at the bottom of the emotions you’re experiencing—and from whom, and why. But perhaps most importantly: Consistently asking for what you need means people can trust you to ask. They don’t have to second-guess themselves, read between the lines or worry about you. They can simply enjoy being with you and discovering you, and they can trust that they will know when you need something, because you will tell them. When you ask for what you need, you give a gift to the people you love.

构思请求并决定向谁提出以及如何提出的简单行为，迫使你弄清楚你究竟需要什么——你正在经历的情绪背后是什么——以及你需要谁来满足，为什么。但也许最重要的是：始终如一地要求你所需要的意味着人们可以相信你会提出要求。他们不必事后猜测自己，揣摩言外之意或担心你。他们可以简单地享受和你在一起并发现你，他们可以相信当且仅当你需要什么时他们会知道，因为你会告诉他们。当你要求你所需要的时，你就给了你爱的人一份礼物。

But few people are taught how to ask for what they need. Often people are socialized not to ask for things, because they’re told that advocating for their needs is selfish. Sometimes people downplay their needs to conform to what they think is available. If you really want three cookies, you may think, “Well, three is a lot, and other people might want cookies too … I better ask for only one.” When someone else comes along and asks for three, you end up thinking, “Wait a minute! How come they’re getting so many cookies and I’m not?”

但是很少有人被教导如何要求他们所需要的东西。通常人们被社会化为不要求东西，因为他们被告知为自己的需求辩护是自私的。有时人们会淡化他们的需求以符合他们认为可用的东西。如果你真的想要三块饼干，你可能会想，“嗯，三块很多，其他人可能也想要饼干……我最好只要求一块。”当另一个人过来要了三块时，你最后会想，“等一下！为什么他们得到这么多饼干而我没有？”

Asking for what you need, rather than what you think might be available, is kind to your partners because it communicates what you want authentically—as long as you are ready to hear a no. Asking for what you need isn’t the same thing as pressuring someone, as long as the other person can say no and you can accept it. These techniques can help you ask for what you need:

要求你所需要的，而不是你认为可能得到的，是对你伴侣的善意，因为它真实地传达了你想要的——只要你准备好听到“不”。要求你所需要的并不等同于向某人施压，只要对方可以说不并且你可以接受。这些技巧可以帮助你要求你所需要的：

Ask for things in terms of “I need this thing” rather than “I need more of this thing than any of your other partners get.” When you state your needs as they stand, and not with respect to what you believe other people want or have, your partners will find it easier to meet them.
Be as explicit as you can while leaving flexibility for the other person. “I need consistency” followed by several examples of what consistency looks like for you, or ways that your partner has shown you consistency in the past, opens the door for you and your partner to find a solution that works for both of you. “I need you to text me at 9 a.m. every day” is a rigid approach that may leave your partner feeling micromanaged.
Remember that a need is not the same as a feeling. “I need to know you’ll spend time to help me feel valued when I feel threatened” (direct communication of a need) is different from “I need to not feel threatened, so I need you to never date someone who makes me feel that way” (coercive communication).
Also remember that a need is not the same as a strategy. “I need a certain amount of one-on-one time with you each week to feel connected” is a need. “I want a date night every Friday” is a strategy—but it’s not the only strategy that might meet the need.
Let your partners know when your needs are being met, just as you tell them when they aren’t. When your partners know they’re doing right, it reinforces the right thing. It’s better still when you can provide examples of how your partners are meeting your needs. This is also an important part of practising gratitude, discussed in chapter 4.
用“我需要这个东西”而不是“我需要这个东西比你其他任何伴侣得到的都多”来要求事物。当你按原样陈述你的需求，而不是相对于你认为别人想要或拥有的东西时，你的伴侣会发现更容易满足它们。
尽可能明确，同时给对方留有灵活性。“我需要一致性”，然后举几个对你来说一致性是什么样子的例子，或者你的伴侣过去向你展示一致性的方式，这为你和你的伴侣找到一个对你们双方都有效的解决方案打开了大门。“我需要你每天早上 9 点给我发短信”是一种僵化的方法，可能会让你的伴侣感觉被微观管理。
记住，需求不等同于感受。“我需要知道当我感到受威胁时，你会花时间帮助我感到被重视”（直接沟通需求）不同于“我需要不感到受威胁，所以我需要你永远不要和让我有这种感觉的人约会”（强制性沟通）。
还要记住，需求不等同于策略。“为了感到连接，我每周需要一定量的一对一时间”是一个需求。“我想要每周五晚上约会”是一个策略——但这并不是唯一可能满足需求的策略。
当你的需求得到满足时告诉你的伴侣，就像你在它们没得到满足时告诉他们一样。当你的伴侣知道他们做对了时，这会强化正确的事情。当你能提供伴侣如何满足你需求的例子时就更好了。这也是第 4 章讨论的练习感恩的重要部分。

If you’ve been socialized to not ask for your needs to be met, what tools can you use to learn how to ask?

如果你被社会化为不要求满足你的需求，你可以使用什么工具来学习如何要求？

Practise communicating directly. When you ask for something, make sure you’re actually saying what you need! There is a difference between “I want to go to bed now,” “Do you want to go to bed now?” “Are you coming to bed?” “I would like you to come to bed now” and “I would like your attention now.” Be precise. Communicating directly may feel awkward at first, and you might not be good at it. That’s okay. These are skills, and skills take practice.
Talk about what you actually want, not what you think you should want or what you think might be available.
Check your assumptions. If you think you hear implied criticism that was not stated directly, ask if that was what was intended. If not, you may be listening for indirect communication. This is especially true when someone says something like “I don’t want that” or “I don’t need that.” A person habituated to indirect communication may hear “and therefore you shouldn’t want or need that either,” or some other message, when the speaker was actually just talking about themselves.
Assume good intent. Your partners are with you because they love you and want to be with you. Even when problems arise, needs aren’t being met or communication goes awry, this is still true. If you start with the assumption that your partners are acting out of malice, communication is never going to function properly.
When a partner has done the work of asking clearly for what they need, take it seriously. Even small requests can be very hard to make, and they can lie at the tip of some very big emotions. If you can’t meet the request, at least acknowledge it by saying no, and preferably explain why. If you can’t do what your partner is asking, inquire about the underlying need; is there another way to meet it? “No, I can’t be with you next Thursday, but is there another time when I can help support you?” is better than just no.
练习直接沟通。当你要求某事时，确信你实际上是在说你需要什么！“我现在想睡觉”、“你现在想睡觉吗？”、“你要来睡觉吗？”、“我希望你现在来睡觉”和“我现在想要你的关注”之间是有区别的。要精确。直接沟通起初可能会感到尴尬，你可能不擅长。没关系。这些是技能，技能需要练习。
谈论你真正想要的，而不是你认为你应该想要的或你认为可能得到的。
检查你的假设。如果你认为你听到了没有直接说明的隐含批评，问问那是否是原本的意图。如果不是，你可能是在听取间接沟通。当有人说“我不想要那个”或“我不需要那个”之类的话时尤其如此。一个习惯于间接沟通的人可能会听到“因此你也不应该想要或需要那个”，或其他信息，而说话者实际上只是在谈论他们自己。
假设善意。你的伴侣和你在一起是因为他们爱你并且想和你在一起。即使当问题出现、需求未得到满足或沟通出错时，这仍然是真实的。如果你一开始就假设你的伴侣是出于恶意行事，沟通永远无法正常进行。
当伴侣已经做了清楚要求他们所需要的工作时，要认真对待。即使是微小的请求也可能很难提出，它们可能处于一些非常强烈的情绪的尖端。如果你不能满足请求，至少要通过说不来承认它，最好解释原因。如果你不能做你伴侣要求的事，询问潜在的需求；有没有其他方法可以满足它？“不，下周四我不能和你在一起，但还有其他时间我可以帮助支持你吗？”比仅仅说不更好。

TALK ABOUT THE REASONS 谈论原因

As scary as it can be to advocate for your needs, it can be even scarier to talk about why you want or need the things you want or need. Talking about the reasons leaves you naked; it opens you up to having your reasons, or even your motives, questioned. It also requires that you look inside yourself and think about why you want what you want. This can be difficult. “Because I just don’t want that” is not good communication. If you ask for something, you need to talk about the “why” as well as the “what.” This more effectively advocates for your needs, and it opens the door for a genuine dialogue about how to have them met.

为你的需求辩护可能很可怕，谈论你为什么想要或需要你想要或需要的东西甚至可能更可怕。谈论原因让你赤裸；它使你的理由甚至动机受到质疑。它还要求你审视内心，思考你为什么想要你想要的东西。这可能很难。“因为我就是不想要那个”不是好的沟通。如果你要求某事，你需要谈论“为什么”以及“什么”。这能更有效地为你的需求辩护，并为就如何满足它们进行真正的对话打开大门。

Sometimes things that upset people are hidden inside the statement “I just don’t want that.” For example, some people, usually cisgender heterosexual men, approach nonmonogamy with the idea that it’s okay if their partners have women as lovers, but feel threatened by the idea of their partners having other men as lovers. It’s certainly easier to say “I just don’t want my partner to have sex with another man” than to admit to feelings of vulnerability around sex, perhaps because they’re afraid that if another man does what they do, they might be replaced. But talking about tender spots is necessary if you are to understand why you feel the way you do, and understanding your feelings is the only way to grow.

有时，让人心烦的事情隐藏在“我就是不想要那个”这句话里。例如，有些人，通常是顺性别异性恋男性，在接触非单偶制时认为如果他们的伴侣有女性作为情人是可以的，但对伴侣有其他男性作为情人的想法感到威胁。说“我只是不想我的伴侣和其他男人发生性关系”肯定比承认在性方面的脆弱感要容易得多，也许是因为他们害怕如果另一个男人做了他们做的事，他们可能会被取代。但是，如果你想了解你为什么会有这种感觉，谈论痛处是必要的，而了解你的感受是成长的唯一途径。

The purpose of talking about the things that upset you is not to make your partners avoid them, but to better understand them. When you can make sense of your emotional responses, you can more easily take responsibility for them, rather than making your partners (or, worse yet, your partners’ partners) responsible for them. If, to continue with the previous example, you’re a hetero man who feels threatened by the idea of your lover having sex with another man, talking about why, and owning that feeling, can help you become more secure in your relationship. Discussing how you feel gives your partner an opportunity to explain what value they see in you, and why another man doesn’t have to be threatening to you.

谈论让你心烦的事情的目的不是为了让你的伴侣避开它们，而是为了更好地理解它们。当你能理解你的情绪反应时，你可以更容易地对它们负责，而不是让你的伴侣（或者更糟糕的是，你伴侣的伴侣）对它们负责。如果继续上面的例子，你是一个异性恋男性，对你的爱人与另一个男人发生性关系的想法感到威胁，谈论为什么，并承认那种感觉，可以帮助你在关系中变得更安全。讨论你的感受给了你的伴侣一个机会来解释他们在你身上看到了什么价值，以及为什么另一个男人不一定对你构成威胁。

“I just don’t want that” tends to end rather than continue conversations. But continuing discussions about what you want—and, more importantly, why—is crucial to staying connected and intimate with your partners.

“我就是不想要那个”往往会结束而不是继续对话。但是继续讨论你想要什么——更重要的是，为什么——对于保持与伴侣的联系和亲密至关重要。

COMPROMISE AS COLLABORATION 妥协即协作

In this book, we use the term compromise to discuss the process of coming to workable agreements when people’s needs are in some degree of disharmony. However, in common parlance this word refers to a situation where two parties reach agreement by each making concessions—in other words, by each giving up something they want. And while that might need to happen sometimes, it’s a pretty adversarial way to frame a process that can instead be collaborative, creative and generative. Rather than sitting down across a negotiating table with your intimate partners and figuring out who will sacrifice what, it can help to sit next to each other and analyze a problem or challenge together. Brainstorm as a team instead of haggling. Co-create instead of bargaining. “How can we creatively solve this in a way that we both get what we want?” is a much more productive question than “How can we negotiate this so that we both have to give something up?” What is the actual need or want at hand? What’s important about it? What parts feel flexible to you? What opportunities and ideas can you come up with to get the need met? What resources do you each bring to the table? Can you recruit others to help, consider approaches that are outside your usual habits, offer an even better way than the original one for a need to be met, or otherwise come up with options by pooling your skills and resources?

在本书中，我们使用妥协 (compromise) 一词来讨论当人们的需求在某种程度上不协调时达成可行协议的过程。然而，在通常的说法中，这个词指的是双方通过各自做出让步——换句话说，通过各自放弃一些他们想要的东西——来达成协议的情况。虽然这有时可能需要发生，但这是用一种相当对抗的方式来构建一个本可以是协作的、创造性的和生成的流程。与其和你的亲密伴侣坐在谈判桌对面弄清楚谁将牺牲什么，不如并肩坐在一起共同分析问题或挑战。作为一个团队集思广益而不是讨价还价。共同创造而不是交易。“我们如何以一种我们都能得到想要的东西的方式创造性地解决这个问题？”是一个比“我们如何协商这个问题以便我们都必须放弃一些东西？”更有成效的问题。手头实际的需求或愿望是什么？它的重要之处是什么？哪些部分对你来说感觉灵活？为了满足需求，你能想出什么机会和主意？你们每个人能带来什么资源？你能招募其他人来帮忙，考虑超出你通常习惯的方法，提供比原方案更好的满足需求的方式，或者通过汇集你们的技能和资源来想出其他选择吗？

If you think more expansively and with more curiosity, you may be surprised at what solutions you can come up with together. In addition, the exercise itself can be a real trust-builder, where each person feels they have an ally in finding ways to get what they want rather than an enemy trying to get between them and their desires.

如果你想得更开阔、更有好奇心，你可能会对自己能共同想出的解决方案感到惊讶。此外，这个练习本身可以成为真正的信任建立者，每个人都觉得他们在寻找获得自己想要东西的方法上有一个盟友，而不是一个试图在他们和他们的欲望之间设置障碍的敌人。

When someone raises an issue, it’s crucial to try to stay on the same team. As the blogger Shea Emma Fett writes, “If the goal of the conversation is to exchange power, and not to exchange understanding, you will never ever ever win.”² Eve likes to use the analogy of an escape room: You and your partner (or partners, or metamours, as the case may be) need to solve a puzzle in order to open the door and move on to the next room. It’s a team effort, and everyone has to try to explore and look for solutions. It’s all of you against the problem—not the person who raised the problem against everyone else.

当有人提出问题时，努力保持在同一个团队至关重要。正如博主谢伊·艾玛·费特 (Shea Emma Fett) 所写，“如果对话的目标是交换权力，而不是交换理解，你永远、永远、永远不会赢。”² 伊芙喜欢使用密室逃脱的比喻：你和你的伴侣（或伴侣们，或情敌，视情况而定）需要解开谜题才能打开门并进入下一个房间。这是一项团队努力，每个人都必须尝试探索和寻找解决方案。是你们所有人对抗问题——而不是提出问题的人对抗其他人。

MANAGING EMOTIONS 管理情绪

Being nonmonogamous doesn’t confer immunity to negative feelings. Nonmonogamous folks experience jealousy, insecurity, doubt and the full range of other human emotions. If you wait for immunity to uncomfortable emotions before travelling this road, you’ll never budge. What’s necessary is simply to understand that you don’t have to put your emotions in the driver’s seat. You feel what you feel; the secret is to understand that you still have power even in the face of your feelings. You can still choose to act with courage, compassion and grace, even when you’re terrified, uncertain and insecure.

成为非单偶制者并不能赋予对负面情绪的免疫力。非单偶制者会经历嫉妒、不安全感、怀疑以及所有其他人类情绪。如果你等到对不舒服的情绪免疫才走这条路，你将永远不会迈出一步。必要的是要明白，你不必让你的情绪来掌舵。你感觉你所感觉的；秘诀是要明白，即使面对你的感受，你仍然拥有力量。你仍然可以选择以勇气、同情和优雅行事，即使你感到恐惧、不确定和不安全。

This notion that you can control your actions despite your emotions seems radical to many people. The first part of making it happen is just realizing it’s possible. Once you’ve turned that corner—and given all the social messages saying people are helpless in the face of their emotions, that’s a tough thing to do—the rest is practice. These guidelines can help prevent you from turning the wheel over to your emotions:

Avoid making decisions, especially irrevocable, life-altering decisions, when in the grip of strong emotions.
Try not to validate or hang onto your emotions, or to suppress or deny them. Don’t deliberately try to keep yourself activated, and also don’t tell yourself you “shouldn’t” feel the emotions at hand. Just feel them, to start.
Recognize an emotion, first and foremost, as an experience you are having in your body. Try to name and describe the physical sensations you are feeling: “My face feels hot and prickly, my chest feels tight and my heart is pounding.” This strategy helps you remember that the emotion, no matter how unpleasant, is not an emergency and is temporary. It also helps you separate what you are feeling from the story you have about it.
Understand that feelings are real and valid, but the stories you tell yourself based on those feelings do not necessarily reflect the facts of a situation. It’s possible to feel threatened when there is no threat, for example, or to feel powerless when you aren’t. That said, feelings are always information. They can tell you something real about what is happening in the world, or something real about what is happening inside you—or both.
Once you have tended to the emotion and re-regulated, use your discernment before you decide what action to take. Do your feelings indicate that a boundary has been crossed, and if so, how do you need to handle that? Do they show you that you need more support in some area, or some reassurance, and can you ask for that? Do you think there’s been a misunderstanding that needs to be fixed or sorted out? Are you being triggered into emotions that are based on past situations, or are your feelings all about the present—and either way, what kind of support do you need, from others or from within your own resources? Are you afraid of something, and if so, can you seek to alleviate that fear, on your own or with help? And so on.
Learn how you best process your emotions, and then advocate for doing that. Some people process their emotions by talking about them immediately; others need to withdraw for awhile. Both approaches work for different people. If you need to say “I don’t want to go to bed angry. I would really like to talk about this now,” say so. (Though note that it’s not okay to keep a partner up into the wee hours, preventing them from getting a good night’s sleep.) If you need to say “Look, I can’t talk about this right now. Let’s come back to it in the morning,” do that—but do try, if you can, to stay connected with your partner in some other, low-key way that’s not processing the conflict, like cuddling or watching a show, so they don’t feel like you’re stonewalling or abandoning them.

这种即使有情绪也能控制自己行为的观念对许多人来说似乎很激进。实现它的第一步就是意识到这是可能的。一旦你转过这个弯——考虑到所有说人们在情绪面前无能为力的社会信息，这是一件很难做到的事情——剩下的就是练习。这些指导方针可以帮助你防止把方向盘交给你的情绪：

避免在强烈情绪的控制下做决定，特别是不可撤销的、改变生活的决定。
尽量不要证实或紧抓你的情绪，也不要压抑或否认它们。不要故意让自己保持激动状态，也不要告诉自己你“不应该”感受当下的情绪。首先，只是去感受它们。
首先要认识到情绪是你身体里正在发生的一种体验。试着命名并描述你感觉到的身体感觉：“我的脸感觉又热又刺痛，我的胸口感觉紧绷，我的心脏在怦怦直跳。”这个策略帮助你记住，这种情绪，无论多么令人不快，都不是紧急情况，而且是暂时的。它还有助于你将你的感受与你关于它的故事分开。
要明白感受是真实和有效的，但你基于那些感受告诉自己的故事并不一定反映情况的事实。例如，在没有威胁的时候感到受威胁是可能的，或者在你并没有无力的时候感到无力。话虽如此，感受总是信息。它们可以告诉你关于世界上正在发生的事情的一些真实情况，或者关于你内心正在发生的事情的一些真实情况——或者两者兼而有之。
一旦你照顾好了情绪并重新调节，在决定采取什么行动之前运用你的辨别力。你的感受是否表明界限已被越过，如果是，你需要如何处理？它们是否向你表明你在某些领域需要更多支持，或者一些安慰，你可以提出要求吗？你认为是否有误解需要修正或理清？你是否被触发了基于过去情况的情绪，或者你的感受完全是关于当下的——无论哪种情况，你需要什么样的支持，是来自他人还是来自你自己的资源？你是否害怕某事，如果是，你能否寻求减轻那种恐惧，无论是靠自己还是靠帮助？等等。
了解你如何最好地处理你的情绪，然后主张这样做。有些人通过立即谈论情绪来处理情绪；另一些人则需要退缩一会儿。这两种方法对不同的人都有效。如果你需要说“我不想带着愤怒睡觉。我真的很想现在谈谈这个”，那就说出来。（但请注意，让伴侣熬夜到凌晨，阻止他们睡个好觉是不行的。）如果你需要说“听着，我现在不能谈这个。让我们早上再说”，那就那样做——但如果可以的话，尽量尝试以某种其他低调的方式与你的伴侣保持联系，而不是处理冲突，比如拥抱或看节目，这样他们就不会觉得你在筑墙或抛弃他们。

Emotions are data. They should never be ignored or dismissed; they tell you valuable things about what’s going on inside yourself. However, they do often require some decoding. (Unfortunately, even if you can strive to be a direct communicator with others, your feelings have no such obligation to you.) For instance, if you’re angry, that anger is real and there is always a reason for it. But is that reason “my partner was a jerk to me,” or “my partner inadvertently said something that reminded me of some criticism an abusive ex used to harangue me with”? Or is it “I skipped lunch today and I feel like crap” or “I just got bad news at work and really needed a soft landing when I got home, but my partner had a stressful day too”? Figuring out what your emotions are telling you can help you reach the next step of taking action. In this case, the action might be anything from setting a firm boundary with your partner to having a meal and a glass of water.

情绪是数据。它们永远不应被忽视或驳回；它们告诉你关于你内心正在发生的事情的宝贵信息。然而，它们通常确实需要一些解码。（不幸的是，即使你可以努力成为一个与他人直接沟通的人，你的感受对你却没有这样的义务。）例如，如果你生气了，那种愤怒是真实的，而且总是有原因的。但那个原因是“我的伴侣对我混蛋”，还是“我的伴侣无意中说了一些话，让我想起了一个虐待前任曾经用来攻击我的批评”？或者是“我今天没吃午饭，感觉糟透了”，或者是“我刚在工作中得到坏消息，回家时真的很需要一个软着陆，但我的伴侣今天也很有压力”？弄清楚你的情绪在告诉你什么可以帮助你迈向采取行动的下一步。在这种情况下，行动可能是从与伴侣设定明确界限到吃顿饭喝杯水之间的任何事情。

BE CURIOUS 保持好奇

Many conflicts arise because one person has made judgments without full knowledge of the thoughts or feelings behind another person’s actions. If the two (or more) sides in a conflict work from their own assumptions without checking whether they are true, no one feels understood, all become even more hurt and angry, and the conflict escalates.

许多冲突之所以产生，是因为一个人在没有完全了解另一个人行为背后的想法或感受的情况下做出了判断。如果冲突中的双方（或多方）都根据自己的假设行事而不检查其真实性，没有人会感到被理解，所有人都会变得更加受伤和愤怒，冲突就会升级。

Conflict-resolution professionals stress the value of curiosity, accompanied by active listening. Many conflicts can be avoided or de-escalated if someone is willing to set aside their prejudgments—and the intense feelings connected to them—and ask a question. And then be curious about the actual answer. Not just any question, though. The question should be genuine and open-ended, a serious request for more information about another person’s feelings, intentions or motivations. It should not be a choice between predefined alternatives, or an accusation followed by a demand for a response. It should be, as much as possible, unburdened from what you think will be the answer. That means being curious about what the answer really is.

冲突解决专家强调好奇心的价值，并辅以积极倾听。如果有人愿意把他们的预判——以及与之相关的强烈情绪——放在一边，问一个问题，许多冲突是可以避免或降级的。然后对实际答案保持好奇。不过，不是随便什么问题都可以。这个问题应该是真诚的和开放式的，是对另一个人感受、意图或动机的更多信息的认真请求。它不应该是预定义选项之间的选择，也不应该是伴随着要求回应的指责。它应该尽可能地不受你认为的答案的负担。这意味着对真正的答案是什么感到好奇。

Consider the following questions, arising from the same scenario:

“When we went to that dinner party, you didn’t sit next to me. Obviously you’re ashamed to be seen with me. Why are you even involved with me if you don’t want people to know we’re together?”
“When we went to that dinner party, you didn’t sit next to me. I felt sad and hurt because social recognition of our relationship is important to me, and I have a fear that you don’t want to be seen with me. Could we talk about why you chose that particular seat at the party, and ways you could be more visible as my partner?”

考虑以下源于同一场景的问题：

“我们去那个晚宴时，你没有坐在我旁边。显然你羞于被人看见和我在一起。如果你不想让人知道我们在一起，那你为什么还要跟我交往？”
“我们去那个晚宴时，你没有坐在我旁边。我感到难过和受伤，因为我们关系的社会认可对我来说很重要，我害怕你不想被人看见和我在一起。我们可以谈谈你为什么在聚会上选择那个特定的座位，以及你可以作为我的伴侣更显眼的方式吗？”

They both end with a question mark, but they are very different kinds of questions. One is a barely veiled accusation and expression of hurt; the other is a genuine request for information and an offer of collaboration. The answer could turn out to be anything from “I wanted to talk to Bill over there about his project” to “Honestly, I’m worried that if my boss sees me with you, he’ll think I’m cheating on my other partner, whom I brought to the last party.” Once the questioner understands where their partner is coming from, they will be able to respond to the situation using accurate information, not just their own stories. And the questioner will stand a better chance of being able to express their own feelings about the situation to their partner without putting words in their partner’s mouth or putting them on the defensive, because the partner will know that the questioner now understands where they’re coming from.

它们都以问号结尾，但它们是非常不同类型的问题。一个是几乎不加掩饰的指责和伤害表达；另一个是真正的信息请求和合作提议。答案可能是从“我想和那边的比尔谈谈他的项目”到“老实说，我担心如果我的老板看到我和你在一起，他会认为我在背叛我的另一个伴侣，上次聚会我带了那个伴侣来。”一旦提问者理解了伴侣的出发点，他们就能够使用准确的信息而不仅仅是他们自己的故事来应对这种情况。提问者也将有更好的机会向伴侣表达自己对这种情况的感受，而不会把话塞进伴侣嘴里或让他们处于防御状态，因为伴侣会知道提问者现在理解了他们的出发点。

Moving away from defensiveness, assumptions and judgments and toward curiosity requires us to step outside ourselves. And that involves recognizing that the world may not be exactly as we think it is—we may have been wrong about our assessment of other people. It can be hard to restrain our emotional responses for long enough to express curiosity and try to understand the feelings of the very person we believe is responsible for our pain. But this strategy can defuse a lot of conflicts before they start.

从防御、假设和评判转向好奇心需要我们走出自我。这涉及到认识到世界可能并不完全像我们想象的那样——我们对其他人的评估可能是错误的。要抑制我们的情绪反应足够长的时间来表达好奇心并试图理解那个我们认为对我们的痛苦负责的人的感受是很困难的。但这种策略可以在冲突开始之前化解很多冲突。

DON’T LET THE DISHES GET CRUSTY 别让盘子结痂

Good communication is not just reactive, but proactive. That means regular checking in, just to see how things are going—and not just with your partners, but with yourself. Talk about things that bother you while they’re still small. Express what you want early and often. Don’t sit on things, hoping they’ll go away. Don’t wait to talk until someone raises a specific problem; develop the habit of letting your partners know where you’re at emotionally on an ongoing basis.

良好的沟通不仅是被动的，也是主动的。这意味着定期检查，只是为了看看情况如何——不仅是和你的伴侣，还有和你自己。在困扰你的事情还很小的时候就谈论它们。尽早并经常表达你想要的。不要把事情压在心里，希望它们会消失。不要等到有人提出具体问题才说话；养成持续让伴侣知道你情绪状态的习惯。

The purpose of checking in is simply to keep the lines of communication open, so problems can be spotted when they’re still ripples rather than tsunamis. Noël Lynne Figart, author of the blog The Polyamorous Misanthrope, calls this “not letting the dishes get crusty.” When everyone makes it a habit to wash the dishes as they use them rather than letting them pile up, no one has to confront the icky task of washing an entire sink full of crusty, three-day-old dishes. It can be helpful to schedule checkins with some kind of agreed-upon frequency to avoid the dreaded “we need to talk.” The Multiamory podcast offers a good template for regular relationship checkins at multiamory.com/radar.

检查的目仅仅是保持沟通渠道畅通，以便在问题还是涟漪而不是海啸时就被发现。博客 The Polyamorous Misanthrope 的作者诺埃尔·琳恩·菲加特 (Noël Lynne Figart) 称这为“不让盘子结痂”。当每个人都养成随用随洗盘子的习惯而不是让它们堆积起来时，就没有人必须面对清洗满满一水槽结了痂的三天前的盘子这种恶心的任务。安排某种商定频率的检查会有所帮助，以避免那句可怕的“我们需要谈谈”。Multiamory 播客在 multiamory.com/radar 上提供了一个很好的定期关系检查模板。

MAKING COMMUNICATION SAFE 让沟通变得安全

There’s one more prerequisite for communication to succeed: It has to be safe for another person to communicate with you. Everyone wants their partners to be honest with them. At the same time, nobody likes to hear bad news. From ancient empires to modern boardrooms, bearers of bad tidings have paid the price for delivering messages distasteful to the recipients’ ears.

沟通成功还有一个先决条件：另一个人与你沟通必须是安全的。每个人都希望伴侣对自己诚实。与此同时，没有人喜欢听到坏消息。从古代帝国到现代会议室，坏消息的传递者都因传递收件人不想听的消息而付出了代价。

It’s easy to forget how many ways you can make it very expensive for people to be honest with you. When you love someone, it’s hard even under the best of circumstances to say something that you know will make them unhappy. It requires a lot of vulnerability and courage to do that. But you expose yourself emotionally because your partners’ feelings affect yours. When that vulnerability is met with defensiveness, annoyance, passive-aggressiveness, silence, anger, resentment or even punishment, honesty becomes damn near impossible.

人们很容易忘记，你可以用多少种方式让他人对你诚实付出高昂的代价。当你爱一个人时，即使在最好的情况下，也很难说出你知道会让他们不开心的话。这样做需要很多的脆弱性和勇气。但你在情感上暴露了自己，因为你伴侣的感受会影响你的感受。当这种脆弱性遭遇到防御、恼怒、被动攻击、沉默、愤怒、怨恨甚至惩罚时，诚实几乎变得不可能。

If you want your partners to be honest with you, you need to accept what you hear without anger, recriminations or blame, even when you’re surprised or you hear something you really don’t want to. You must be willing to take a deep breath, switch gears and say “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

如果你希望伴侣对你诚实，你需要不带愤怒、指责或责备地接受你听到的内容，即使当你感到惊讶或听到了你真的不想听到的事情时也是如此。你必须愿意深吸一口气，换个档位说：“谢谢你跟我分享这些。”

This doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have feelings and reactions. It just means that it’s beneficial to everyone if you can find a space between stimulus (whatever you’ve just heard) and reaction (whatever response you want to give). In that space, take the time to feel, assess evidence, find your curiosity and compassion, and allow big emotions to pass. Sometimes this is a three-second process; sometimes you might need to say “I need a half-hour break to think about that, can we pick up this conversation in a bit?” Some people need longer: Eve has learned that she needs at least two days between receiving upsetting information and being able to process it with the person it concerns. Take the time you need, and then you can approach the ensuing discussion with kindness for your partner and yourself.

这并不意味着你不允许有感受和反应。这只是意味着，如果你能在刺激（你刚听到的任何内容）和反应（你想做出的任何回应）之间找到一个空间，这对每个人都有好处。在这个空间里，花时间去感受，评估证据，找到你的好奇心和同情心，并让强烈的情绪过去。有时这是一个三秒钟的过程；有时你可能需要说“我需要半小时休息来思考一下，我们能一会儿再继续这个对话吗？”有些人需要更长时间：伊芙了解到，在收到令人沮丧的信息和能够与相关人员处理它之间，她至少需要两天时间。花你需要的时间，然后你可以带着对伴侣和自己的善意来进行随后的讨论。

Of course, there are also times when an immediate reaction is exactly correct. If a partner calls you names or threatens you, for example, you don’t need to make them feel safe doing so. It’s totally reasonable to say “Hey, that is not cool and you need to leave,” or “You just crossed a line, and I’m outta here.” Similarly, if the bad news is “the dog just died,” it’s okay to just burst into tears! Having the skill to deal with surprising or difficult news is great, but that doesn’t mean you should use it in every situation. You’re not a robot, and you’re not invulnerable. Developing good discernment can help you figure out when to employ all your carefully honed emotional management skills, and when it makes sense to just respond.

当然，也有时候立即反应正是正确的做法。例如，如果伴侣骂你或威胁你，你不需要让他们觉得这样做是安全的。说“嘿，这太过分了，你需要离开”或者“你刚刚越界了，我要走了”是完全合理的。同样，如果坏消息是“狗刚死了”，直接痛哭是可以的！拥有处理意外或困难消息的技能固然好，但这并不意味着你应该在每种情况下都使用它。你不是机器人，你也不是刀枪不入的。培养良好的辨别力可以帮助你弄清楚什么时候运用你精心磨练的情绪管理技能，什么时候直接反应是合理的。

Some people think that managing your reactions means you’re being fake. But using these skills doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic; it’s just a question of what kind of response will move you toward resolution versus toward conflict. You don’t need to downplay your feelings or pretend. Honesty and clarity are still key here, and it’s okay to say so if you’re hurt, angry or sad. In a healthy intimate relationship, people should be able to express big feelings and support each other in them. The idea here is just not to be volatile or lash out, which tends to shut down communication and make it hard for someone to bring up difficult topics in the future.

有些人认为管理你的反应意味着你很虚伪。但使用这些技能并不意味着你不真实；这只是一个关于什么样的回应会让你走向解决而不是冲突的问题。你不需要淡化你的感受或伪装。诚实和清晰在这里仍然是关键，如果你感到受伤、愤怒或悲伤，说出来是可以的。在健康的亲密关系中，人们应该能够表达强烈的情感并在其中相互支持。这里的想法只是不要反复无常或猛烈抨击，这往往会关闭沟通，并使人将来难以提出困难的话题。

The world through your own lens

通过你自己的镜头看世界

Communication extends beyond words. Even when everyone agrees on the meanings of words, things can go wrong when people have different conceptual frameworks—different ideas about the way the world works. After all, everyone sees the world through the lens of their own experiences and ideologies. When you communicate, you filter the things another person says through your own frameworks. If someone holds what to you seems like an alien idea or a worldview you don’t understand, or speaks from experiences very different from yours, communication can be lost.

沟通不仅仅是语言。即使每个人都同意词语的含义，当人们有不同的概念框架——关于世界运作方式的不同想法——时，事情也会出错。毕竟，每个人都是通过自己的经历和意识形态的镜头来看待世界的。当你沟通时，你会通过自己的框架过滤另一个人说的话。如果某人持有对你来说似乎陌生的想法或你不理解的世界观，或者从与你截然不同的经历出发说话，沟通可能会迷失。

You can’t help but see the world through your own lens, and it’s not always obvious where your perceptions of the world diverge from other people’s. A big part of being able to communicate with someone who seems to hold a different worldview, or who has different experiences, is to listen and ask clarifying questions. It’s tempting to impose your own understanding on other people—“You’re just saying my jealousy is all in my head!”—and if you don’t pay attention, you can end up doing this without even being aware of it. Effective communication succeeds more often when you ask questions than when you tell other people what they’re saying (or, worse, tell them what they’re thinking or feeling). In practice: “It sounds to me like you’re saying I have to get over my jealousy by myself. Is that really what you’re saying?”

你无法不通过你自己的镜头看世界，而且你对世界的看法在哪里与别人不同并不总是显而易见的。能够与似乎持有不同世界观或有不同经历的人沟通的一大部分是倾听和提出澄清性问题。把你自己的理解强加给别人是很诱人的——“你只是在说我的嫉妒都是我脑子里的幻想！”——如果你不注意，你最终可能会在甚至没有意识到的情况下这样做。当你提问时，有效沟通往往比你告诉别人他们在说什么（或者更糟糕的是，告诉他们他们在想什么或感觉什么）更容易成功。在实践中：“我听起来你好像是在说我必须自己克服嫉妒。你真的是这个意思吗？”

It’s also important to acknowledge that two people can have wildly different experiences of the same events—especially if emotions are high—to the point where they may remember various details differently. There may be times when it’s important to determine whose recollection best reflects what actually happened—what would have been caught on camera—but this happens less often than people might think. It’s common to attach more emotional weight to being “right” and to get others to agree with your version of events than you do to understanding others or having your perspective understood. That said, if someone is regularly challenging your perceptions and memories, and insisting you adopt theirs, that’s a sign of possible gaslighting—particularly if they regularly deny having said or done things you experience as harmful. Again, it goes back to the purpose of a conversation: to exchange understanding, or to exchange power.

承认两个人对同一事件可能会有截然不同的体验也很重要——特别是在情绪高涨的时候——以至于他们可能会对各种细节有不同的记忆。有时确定谁的回忆最能反映实际发生的事情——摄像机会拍到什么——很重要，但这发生的情况比人们想象的要少。人们通常更看重自己是“对的”并让别人同意自己对事件的描述，而不是理解他人或让自己的观点被理解。话虽如此，如果有人经常挑战你的感知和记忆，并坚持让你接受他们的，那就是可能存在煤气灯效应的迹象——特别是如果他们经常否认说过或做过你觉得有害的事情。再次回到对话的目的：是为了交换理解，还是为了交换权力。

Sometimes, sadly, multiple worldviews or sets of perceptions cannot be reconciled or aligned. If two or more people’s values are opposed, even if the people can agree on the facts of a situation, it can be impossible to resolve their differing feelings about it in a way that allows the relationship to continue in a healthy way. And if two people can’t agree on the facts of a situation that’s of some emotional significance, it can be hard to even get to the point of discussing their differing emotions or repairing any harm done. Avoiding such effort is one reason why some people engage in gaslighting—as Kate Abramson discusses in On Gaslighting,³ a gaslighter often cannot tolerate disagreement on certain key points, as it causes them unbearable anxiety, so much so that they find it preferable to both undermine and question the sanity of the person disagreeing with them.

有时，遗憾的是，多种世界观或感知集合无法调和或统一。如果两个或更多人的价值观是对立的，即使人们能在某种情况的事实上达成一致，也可能无法以一种允许关系健康继续的方式解决他们对此的不同感受。如果两个人在具有某种情感意义的情况的事实上无法达成一致，甚至很难达到讨论他们不同情绪或修复任何已造成伤害的地步。避免这种努力是有些人进行煤气灯效应操纵的原因之一——正如凯特·艾布拉姆森 (Kate Abramson) 在《论煤气灯效应》(On Gaslighting)³ 中讨论的那样，煤气灯操纵者通常无法容忍在某些关键点上的分歧，因为这会给他们带来难以忍受的焦虑，以至于他们觉得破坏和质疑与其意见不合者的理智更可取。

When you love someone, it’s often worth putting in the effort to find ways to bridge the gaps between your respective perceptions and understandings. But here’s where your discernment comes into play: You also need to decide, at a certain point, whether it’s possible to bridge that kind of gap, and what you want to do if it isn’t.

当你爱一个人时，通常值得付出努力去寻找弥合你们各自感知和理解之间差距的方法。但这是你的辨别力发挥作用的地方：你也需要在某一点上决定，弥合那种差距是否可能，如果不可能你想做什么。

Handling mistakes

处理错误

Things will go wrong. You and your partners will make mistakes. People will get hurt. What happens afterward depends on how capable you are of forgiving one another for your errors, handling the consequences with grace and dignity, and learning from your mistakes. The way you handle mistakes is part of the process of building trust that we discussed in chapter 5.

事情会出错。你和你的伴侣会犯错。人会受伤。之后发生的事情取决于你们有多大能力原谅彼此的错误，以优雅和尊严处理后果，并从错误中学习。你处理错误的方式是我们在第 5 章讨论的建立信任过程的一部分。

Mistakes happen because someone is trying to solve a problem or meet a need. It’s easy, in the emotional aftermath, to see a mistake as a consequence of selfishness or some other moral failing. But recovery from a mistake depends on being able to see your partners as human beings doing their best to solve a problem rather than as caricatures or monsters.

犯错是因为有人试图解决问题或满足需求。在情绪化的后果中，很容易将错误视为自私或其他道德败坏的后果。但从错误中恢复取决于能够将你的伴侣视为正在尽最大努力解决问题的人类，而不是漫画人物或怪物。

Compassion—self-compassion—is also needed when you’re the one who makes a mistake. Sometimes it’s easier to treat others with gentleness or compassion than it is to do the same for yourself; some people recognize the fallibility of those around them more readily than their own. You will make mistakes. It’s the cost of being human. When you do, look to them as opportunities to learn, and remember that compassion begins at home.

当你犯错时，也需要同情——自我同情。有时，温柔或同情地对待他人比对自己这样做更容易；有些人比认识到自己的错误更容易认识到周围人的错误。你会犯错。这是做人的代价。当你犯错时，把它们看作学习的机会，并记住同情始于自身。

Conversely, sometimes compassion can be weaponized. A partner who is behaving badly toward you might be taking advantage of your tendency to be compassionate so they don’t have to do the work of changing their own behaviour. Or you, yourself, might be saying you practise self-compassion when in truth you’re avoiding the work of looking at and fixing the places where you keep making mistakes. This is one more place where discernment is key.

相反，有时同情会被当作武器。对你行为恶劣的伴侣可能会利用你倾向于同情的特点，这样他们就不必费力去改变自己的行为了。或者你自己，可能会说你在练习自我同情，而实际上你是在逃避审视和修正你不断犯错的地方。这又是一个辨别力至关重要的地方。

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

Strategies for better communication include, for starters, active listening and direct communication. As you practise these skills on a daily basis in your relationships, here are some questions to consider:

更好的沟通策略首先包括积极倾听和直接沟通。当你在日常关系中练习这些技能时，这里有一些问题需要考虑：

How often, and how directly, do I ask for what I want and need?
How do I handle hearing no? Do others find it hard to say no to me? Why or why not?
Do I perceive criticism in my partner’s statements even if they aren’t directly critical, or hear hidden meanings in their questions? If so, how do I remind myself to ask for clarification rather than making assumptions?
What do I do to check in with my partners?
How well do I listen to others? Do others communicate to me that they feel heard?
What do I do to make sure it’s safe for others to communicate with me, and to let them know it’s safe?
In my communication, how do I show that I’m taking responsibility for my actions?
In what ways do I actively listen to my partners? In what ways do they actively listen to me? Where can we each improve in our active listening skills?
我多久一次，以及多直接地要求我想要和需要的东西？
我如何处理听到“不”？别人觉得对我拒绝很难吗？为什么难或为什么不难？
即使伴侣的陈述没有直接批评，我是否会在其中察觉到批评，或者在他们的问题中听到隐藏的含义？如果是这样，我如何提醒自己要求澄清而不是做出假设？
我做什么来与我的伴侣进行检查？
我倾听别人的能力如何？别人是否向我传达了他们感到被倾听了？
我做什么来确保别人与我沟通是安全的，并让他们知道这是安全的？
在我的沟通中，我如何表明我正在为我的行为承担责任？
我在哪些方面积极倾听我的伴侣？他们在哪些方面积极倾听我？我们在哪些方面可以各自提高积极倾听的技巧？

power over the story Salman Rushdie, “One Thousand Days in a Balloon,” speech at Columbia University, December 11, 1991, quoted in Sabrina Hassumani, Salman Rushdie: A Postmodern Reading of His Major Works (Vancouver, BC: Fairleigh Dickinson University Press, 2002), 104. ↩ ↩²
the goal of the conversation Shea Emma Fett, “10 Things I Wish I’d Known About Gaslighting,” Medium, July 5, 2015, https://medium.com/@sheaemmafett/10-things-i-wish-i-d-known-about-gaslighting-22234cb5e407. ↩ ↩²
as Kate Abramson discusses Kate Abramson, On Gaslighting (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2024). ↩ ↩²