15 非单偶制关系有何不同 How Nonmonogamous Relationships Are Different

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We can change, evolve, and transform our own conditioning. We can choose to move like water rather than be molded like clay. Life spirals in and then spirals out on any given day. It does not have to be one way, one truth, one voice. Nor does love have to be all or nothing.

TERRY TEMPEST WILLIAMS¹

我们可以改变、进化和转变我们自己的条件反射。我们可以选择像水一样流动，而不是像粘土一样被塑造。生命在任何一天都会盘旋而入，然后盘旋而出。它不必只有一种方式、一个真理、一种声音。爱也不必是非此即彼的。

特里·坦佩斯特·威廉姆斯 (Terry Tempest Williams)¹

The variety of nonmonogamous relationships is, as we’ve mentioned, huge. We can’t make assumptions about the shapes or paths of your relationships. However, most nonmonogamous relationships do pass through certain stages, like new relationship energy and the start of a new relationship while in an established one.

正如我们所提到的，非单偶制关系的种类繁多。我们无法对你关系的形状或路径做出假设。然而，大多数非单偶制关系确实会经历某些阶段，比如新关系能量，以及在现有关系中开始一段新关系。

These stages present uniquely nonmonogamous challenges. Here are some places where nonmonogamous relationships diverge from monogamous relationships and the old templates no longer apply.

这些阶段呈现出独特的非单偶制挑战。以下是非单偶制关系与单偶制关系分道扬镳、旧模板不再适用的一些地方。

Finding community

寻找社区

As a nonmonogamous person, you might have a hard time explaining your relationships to your friends, getting advice and support for your problems, and finding like-minded people. It can help a great deal to find or create a circle of friends who share your ideas and values about relationships.

作为一个非单偶制者，你可能会发现很难向朋友解释你的关系，很难为你的问题获得建议和支持，也很难找到志同道合的人。找到或建立一个分享你关于关系的理念和价值观的朋友圈会有很大帮助。

To find nonmonogamy-related discussion and support groups, Google, social media sites, Meetup.com and polygroups.com are your friends. Do a search for terms like nonmonogamy, polyamory, solo polyamory or relationship anarchy (depending on what interests you) and the name of the closest city or large town, and see what turns up.

要找到非单偶制相关的讨论和支持小组，Google、社交媒体网站、Meetup.com 和 polygroups.com 是你的朋友。搜索诸如非单偶制、多边恋、独身多边恋或关系安那其（取决于你感兴趣的是什么）以及最近的城市或大城镇的名称，看看会出现什么。

If you can’t find a nonmonogamy-related community where you are, create one! This can be as simple as starting a Facebook group or a meetup on a site like Meetup.com. Decide on a schedule and a venue (lots of nonmonogamy social meetups happen in restaurants or cafes), and commit to being there every month. You might get only one or two people showing up, or even nobody at all the first few times, but that’s okay. Perseverance pays off. The women’s discussion group that Eve helped organize for several years went more than a year with only two or three people showing up before it took off; after a while, meetings often filled to capacity within a few hours of being announced.

如果你在你所在的地方找不到非单偶制相关的社区，那就创建一个！这可以很简单，就像在 Facebook 上创建一个群组或在 Meetup.com 这样的网站上发起聚会一样。确定一个时间表和地点（许多非单偶制社交聚会都在餐馆或咖啡馆举行），并承诺每个月都去那里。前几次可能只有一两个人出现，甚至根本没人来，但这没关系。坚持会有回报。伊芙曾协助组织多年的女性讨论小组在起飞前有一年多的时间里只有两三个人参加；过了一段时间，会议往往在宣布几小时内就满员了。

If you’d rather have a focused discussion, with topics and moderation, find online nonmonogamy communities (social media sites are valuable for this) and announce your intentions. Set a time and a place, maybe your home if you like (it’s quieter and more sociable than a restaurant). Create a website or social media page if you can. Again, you may not get many people at first, but these things tend to gather steam over time. If your interests are more in building a social network, host nonmonogamy board game nights or have nonmonogamy outings to events such as open mics, book readings or shows.

如果你更喜欢有主题和主持的集中讨论，可以寻找在线非单偶制社区（社交媒体网站对此很有价值）并宣布你的意图。设定一个时间和地点，如果你喜欢的话可以是你的家（这比餐馆更安静，更适合社交）。如果可以的话，创建一个网站或社交媒体页面。同样，一开始你可能不会有很多人，但这些事情往往会随着时间的推移而积聚人气。如果你更感兴趣的是建立社交网络，可以举办非单偶制棋盘游戏之夜，或者组织非单偶制外出活动，比如参加开放麦、读书会或演出。

There’s a lot of overlap between nonmonogamous and kink communities. The organized BDSM world is older and more established than the organized nonmonogamous one, so towns that don’t have a nonmonogamy-specific group will still often have gatherings of kinky people. Even if you’re not that interested in kink, you can sometimes find nonmonogamous people by attending BDSM munches, which are social events where kinky folks get together in low-pressure public spaces to chat and socialize. You don’t need to be kinky to attend a munch, though people will probably assume you are—so make sure you’re comfortable with that possibility, and with frequently clarifying, before you go this route. If kink isn’t your thing, fear not; once you’ve connected with a few nonmonogamous people, you’ll find it easier to meet more.

非单偶制社区和性癖社区之间有很多重叠。有组织的 BDSM 世界比有组织的非单偶制世界更古老、更成熟，所以没有非单偶制特定团体的城镇通常仍然会有性癖人士的聚会。即使你对性癖不那么感兴趣，你有时也可以通过参加 BDSM 聚餐 (munches) 找到非单偶制者，这是性癖人士在低压力的公共场所聚在一起聊天和社交的活动。你不需要有性癖才能参加聚餐，尽管人们可能会假设你有——所以在走这条路之前，确信你对这种可能性以及经常需要澄清感到自在。如果性癖不是你的菜，不要害怕；一旦你联系上了几个非单偶制者，你会发现更容易认识更多人。

Today, any relatively open-minded and progressive community probably has its fair share of nonmonogamous folks, too. That includes groups and gatherings focused on social justice activism, art (including Burner communities), technology, gaming, spirituality, various geeky interests and so on. The world has changed a lot in the last few decades, and nonmonogamy has increasingly moved into the mainstream, which means it’s easier than ever to come across like-minded people without having to box yourself into a niche.

如今，任何相对开放和进步的社区可能都有相当一部分非单偶制者。这包括专注于社会正义行动主义、艺术（包括火人节社区）、科技、游戏、灵性、各种极客兴趣等的团体和聚会。在过去的几十年里，世界发生了很大变化，非单偶制越来越多地进入主流，这意味着你不必把自己局限在一个小众领域，比以往任何时候都更容易遇到志同道合的人。

Coming out

出柜

The question of whether and how to come out as nonmonogamous has changed a lot. We’re now living in a world where the term throuple has made it into mainstream discourse, the number of news articles dealing with nonmonogamy has skyrocketed, research on nonmonogamy has proliferated, and nonmonogamy is a not-infrequent plotline in movies and TV shows. There’s also an increasing number of next-generation nonmonogamous folks out there—people whose parents were or are nonmonogamous and who grew up familiar with it. In short, concepts that were once rarified and shocking are now banal, and a disclosure that would have made people’s jaws hit the floor in 1994 might elicit a yawn in 2024.

是否以及如何以非单偶制身份出柜的问题已经发生了很多变化。我们现在生活的世界里，“三人行/throuple”一词已经进入主流话语，关于非单偶制的新闻文章数量激增，关于非单偶制的研究激增，非单偶制在电影和电视节目中也是常见的情节。还有越来越多的下一代非单偶制者——他们的父母曾经或现在是非单偶制者，他们从小就熟悉这一点。简而言之，曾经稀有和令人震惊的概念现在已经变得平庸，在 1994 年会让人们惊掉下巴的披露，在 2024 年可能会引人打哈欠。

Does that mean coming out is totally risk-free, though? Not necessarily. Nonmonogamy is not a protected status. In some places, far-right thinking dominates, and people can pay a steep price for being visibly nonmonogamous—everything from being shunned in their communities to losing jobs to having their child custody threatened. As well, family members and friends may judge you harshly and treat you differently once you come out. If you’re already out as a 2SLGBTQI+ person or as part of the BDSM/Leather/kink world, you may have established support systems—or from that experience, you may already know exactly how closed-minded the people around you are.

但这是否意味着出柜完全没有风险呢？不一定。非单偶制不是受保护的身份。在某些地方，极右翼思想占主导地位，人们可能会因为公开非单偶制而付出沉重的代价——从在社区受到排斥到失去工作，再到子女监护权受到威胁。同样，家人和朋友可能会在你出柜后严厉评判你并区别对待你。如果你已经作为 2SLGBTQI+ 人士或 BDSM/皮革/性癖世界的一员出柜，你可能已经建立了支持系统——或者从那次经历中，你可能已经确切地知道周围的人思想有多封闭。

Assess the real and realistic risks before you come out, and make decisions with your partners (if you have any) about what to say, when, and to whom. It’s easier to be authentic to yourself when you don’t need to hide who you are. It’s easier to act with integrity when you’re authentic to yourself. Not expecting partners to be closeted, and being willing to acknowledge partners as partners, helps promote strong, secure relationships. Balance these truths with your knowledge of your own specific situation, and take it from there. For a much deeper dive into coming out, check out It’s Called Polyamory: Coming out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships by Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Szymborski.

在出柜之前评估真实和现实的风险，并与你的伴侣（如果有的话）一起决定说什么、何时说以及对谁说。当你不需要隐藏你是谁时，更容易对自己真实。当你对自己真实时，更容易以正直行事。不期望伴侣隐藏身份，并愿意承认伴侣为伴侣，有助于促进牢固、安全的关系。用你对自己具体情况的了解来平衡这些真理，然后从那里开始。要想更深入地了解出柜，请查阅塔玛拉·平卡斯 (Tamara Pincus) 和丽贝卡·辛博尔斯基 (Rebecca Szymborski) 的《这就叫多边恋：关于你的非单偶制关系的出柜》(It’s Called Polyamory: Coming out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships)。

The timing of new relationships

新关系的时机

There’s no perfect time for a new relationship to start, nor a set schedule for how quickly or slowly it should develop. Sometimes opportunity knocks at the most inopportune times. New relationships are wonderful, joyous and stressful. Attempting to script how and when they develop amid your existing ones is like trying to corral elephants; these things have a certain inertia of their own, and sometimes all you can do is learn to be nimble on your feet. This doesn’t mean you should barrel ahead without consideration for the shape of your life, your commitments and the needs and feelings of the people around you. You aren’t powerless in the grip of out-of-control new love. You are always at choice. You aren’t always in control of your feelings and desires, but you are in control of what you do about them.

新关系的开始没有完美的时间，也没有关于它应该发展多快或多慢的既定时间表。有时机会在最不恰当的时候敲门。新关系是美妙的、快乐的和有压力的。试图为你现有的关系中它们如何以及何时发展编写脚本就像试图把大象赶进围栏；这些事情有其自身的惯性，有时你所能做的就是学会灵活应对。这并不意味着你应该不顾及你的生活形态、你的承诺以及周围人的需求和感受而贸然行事。在失控的新恋情的掌控下，你并非无能为力。你总是有选择的。你并不总是能控制你的感受和欲望，但你能控制你对它们所做的事情。

Some people prefer to start new relationships infrequently, and to impose a moratorium after a new one begins to allow it to grow roots before starting any others. Others choose not to start a new relationship if there are problems in any existing relationship, or during times of turbulence or stress. Still others prefer to remain open to new relationships whenever connections might occur. None of these strategies is always effective. Allowing relationships time to solidify before taking on new partners is not a guarantee that new partners won’t be disruptive, and being open to new relationships all the time doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll end up with a lot of them (or even one).

有些人喜欢不频繁地开始新关系，并在新关系开始后暂停一段时间，让其生根发芽，然后再开始其他关系。另一些人选择如果现有关系中存在问题，或者在动荡或压力时期不开始新关系。还有一些人更喜欢在任何可能发生连接的时候对新关系保持开放。这些策略并非总是有效的。在接纳新伴侣之前让关系有时间巩固并不能保证新伴侣不会造成破坏，而一直对新关系保持开放并不一定意味着你最终会有很多伴侣（甚至一个）。

To some extent, the approach you’ll take will depend on your personal nonmonogamy style. People who favour a closely connected network of intimate relationships might be more likely to decline opportunities for new relationships shortly after getting a new partner, whereas people with a more solo or independent nonmonogamy style might be more open to relationships whenever and however they form.

在某种程度上，你采取的方法将取决于你个人的非单偶制风格。偏爱紧密连接的亲密关系网络的人可能更有可能在获得新伴侣后不久拒绝新关系的机会，而拥有更独身或独立非单偶制风格的人可能对无论何时何地形成的关系都更加开放。

New relationships can often feel threatening or, at the very least, destabilizing, and it’s common for other partners to need time to process them—especially if the established relationships don’t themselves feel fully secure. This is where many people adopt another strategy: moving at the pace of the slowest person. Making sure everyone has time to adapt to changes in a relationship, especially big changes, certainly has its advantages. The gotcha is that “Move at the pace of the slowest person” can turn into a pocket veto. “Not now, not yet” can, if unchecked, quietly become “Not ever.” If one person is urging others to slow down, that conversation should ideally include a discussion about parameters: how slow, what’s being done in that slowness to enable the new relationship to happen in the future, and how you’ll check in about it along the way. If “no movement” is a person’s intent, they should say so up front.

新关系通常会让人感到威胁，或者至少是不稳定，其他伴侣需要时间来处理它们是很常见的——特别是如果既定关系本身感觉不完全安全。这就是许多人采取另一种策略的地方：以最慢的人的速度前进。确保每个人都有时间适应关系中的变化，特别是重大变化，当然有其优势。问题在于，“以最慢的人的速度前进”可能会变成拖延否决权。“现在不行，还没到时候”如果不加以控制，可能会悄悄变成“永远不行”。如果一个人敦促其他人慢下来，那么这种对话理想情况下应该包括关于参数的讨论：多慢，在那个缓慢过程中正在做什么以使新关系在未来发生，以及你们将如何沿途对此进行检查。如果一个人的意图是“不行动”，他们应该直说。

Rushing into a new relationship can lead to instability. But moving much more slowly than what’s natural for a relationship can also damage it. Relationships, like living things, have a natural pacing and rhythm. Artificially limiting a relationship’s growth for too long can leave people feeling hurt and frustrated. Counterintuitively, it could cause the relationship to be more disruptive.

匆忙进入一段新关系可能会导致不稳定。但是，比关系自然发展的速度慢得多也会损害它。关系，像生物一样，有自然的节奏和韵律。人为地限制一段关系的成长太久会让人们感到受伤和沮丧。这可能反而会导致关系更具破坏性，这似乎有点反直觉。

In any relationship, it pays to check in often with yourself and your partner about the state of the union. Is it growing in ways that serve your needs? Is the pace of the relationship appropriate for your mutual desires? Does it cause unnecessary difficulties for your other partners, and can these be mitigated?

在任何关系中，经常与你自己和你的伴侣核实联盟的状态都是值得的。它是否以满足你需求的方式成长？关系的节奏是否适合你们共同的愿望？它是否给你的其他伴侣造成了不必要的困难，这些困难可以减轻吗？

New relationship energy

新关系能量 (New relationship energy)

New relationship energy, or NRE, as it’s known, is that giddy, I-can’t-stop-thinking-of-you, everything-about-you-is-marvellous feeling that people who experience romantic attraction often get at the start of a new relationship. It’s a wonderful thing for the people experiencing it, and can also come with both joys and challenges for previously established partnerships.

新关系能量，即 NRE，是那些体验浪漫吸引力的人在新关系开始时经常获得的那种令人头晕目眩、我无法停止想你、你的一切都很奇妙的感觉。对于体验它的人来说，这是一件美妙的事情，也可能给先前建立的伙伴关系带来快乐和挑战。

The biochemistry of NRE is becoming fairly well understood. During the early stages of a romantic relationship, alloromantic brains produce several neurotransmitters, most notably dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine, in greater quantities, generally causing emotional effects that are part attraction and devotion, part intense preoccupation, part mystical experience and part physical lust. You become infatuated and you feel twitterpated whenever the person is near. In this state, you’re biochemically predisposed to overlook their flaws and faults, see the best in everything they do, convince yourself that you are meant to be with them, and crave their attention. When people make distinctions between “love” and “being in love,” what they describe as “being in love” is generally something like NRE.

NRE 的生物化学机制正变得相当容易理解。在浪漫关系的早期阶段，有浪漫倾向的大脑会产生几种神经递质，最著名的是多巴胺、血清素和去甲肾上腺素，数量更多，通常会导致部分是吸引和奉献、部分是强烈专注、部分是神秘体验和部分是肉体欲望的情感效应。你会变得迷恋，每当那个人在附近时，你会感到心动。在这种状态下，你在生化上倾向于忽视他们的缺陷和错误，看到他们所做的一切最好的一面，说服自己你注定要和他们在一起，并渴望他们的关注。当人们区分“爱”和“恋爱”时，他们所描述的“恋爱”通常就是类似 NRE 的东西。

NRE isn’t (necessarily) the same as limerence, though a lot of people confuse the two. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence in 1979² to describe a state of romantic attraction characterized by intrusive thoughts of a person, overwhelming fear of rejection by that person, and a powerful, obsessive need for reciprocation. Limerence, in other words, may be what some people feel when they fall in love with someone, regardless of whether it’s mutual; NRE isn’t quite the same thing, because it involves an actual new relationship. In addition, not all new attractions involve the more negative features of limerence, or its intensity. In fact, some people say they associate limerence with unhealthy partner choices; they know they’re choosing well when they’re actually suffused with a sense of rightness, groundedness and calm around the new person in their lives and not that “floaty” sense of infatuation. Your mileage may vary!

NRE 不（一定）等同于痴恋 (limerence)，尽管很多人混淆了这两者。心理学家多萝西·坦诺夫 (Dorothy Tennov) 在 1979 年创造了痴恋一词，² 用来描述一种浪漫吸引的状态，其特征是对一个人的侵入性想法、对被那个人拒绝的压倒性恐惧，以及对回报的强烈、强迫性需求。换句话说，痴恋可能是有些人在爱上某人时的感觉，无论是否相互；NRE 不完全是一回事，因为它涉及一段实际的新关系。此外，并非所有的新吸引都涉及痴恋的更消极特征或其强度。事实上，有些人说他们将痴恋与不健康的伴侣选择联系起来；当他们实际上对生活中的新人充满正确感、踏实感和平静感，而不是那种“飘忽”的迷恋感时，他们知道自己选对了。你的情况可能会有所不同！

NRE can be transcendent. It lets you start a relationship bathed in delight. There’s a reason this biochemical response exists: The excitement and giddiness can help lay the emotional foundation for a rewarding, loving partnership. It bonds you to a new partner by filling you with a big hormonal yes. But to enjoy NRE while preserving your other relationships, you need to recognize it for what it is, remember to nurture your other partners when you feel it, and not decide that it will necessarily lead to abiding love.

NRE 可以是超凡的。它让你沐浴在喜悦中开始一段关系。这种生化反应的存在是有原因的：兴奋和眩晕有助于为一个有益、充满爱的伙伴关系奠定情感基础。它通过充满荷尔蒙的巨大肯定将你与新伴侣联系在一起。但是，要在享受 NRE 的同时维护你的其他关系，你需要认清它的本质，记得在感受到它时滋养你的其他伴侣，并且不要认定它必然会导致持久的爱。

For the partner of a person starting a new relationship, NRE can be scary stuff, particularly if they don’t yet know whether their newly enamoured partner will continue to show up the way they did previously. Sometimes, NRE can cause the affected partner to make comparisons with their already established relationships, which might feel drab by contrast. Vocalizing these contrasts out loud to either the new or the established partners can be incredibly damaging. Worse, the tendency to idolize new partners can easily trick people into making too many commitments too quickly, which can create chaos in their existing relationships. For these reasons, a lot of policies in nonmonogamous relationships are designed to mitigate the effects of NRE, but they’re often not terribly successful.

对于一个开始新关系的人的伴侣来说，NRE 可能是可怕的东西，特别是如果他们还不知道他们新近坠入爱河的伴侣是否会像以前那样继续出现。有时，NRE 会导致受影响的伴侣与他们已经建立的关系进行比较，相比之下后者可能会感觉单调乏味。对新伴侣或既定伴侣大声说出这些对比可能是极具破坏性的。更糟糕的是，偶像化新伴侣的倾向很容易诱使人们过快地做出太多承诺，这会在他们现有的关系中造成混乱。由于这些原因，非单偶制关系中的许多政策旨在减轻 NRE 的影响，但它们往往不是很成功。

A more effective way to deal with a partner’s NRE involves both communication and patience. Talk together about how to manage this new and exciting thing. How can you accommodate this addition to the picture and encourage them to enjoy the sweetness of it while also maintaining the relationship you have? How can you continue to co-create the relationship you’re in given these new circumstances? What do you need in order to feel secure and loved, and what do they need in order to feel free to exercise their agency?

处理伴侣 NRE 的更有效方法涉及沟通和耐心。一起讨论如何管理这个令人兴奋的新事物。你如何适应这个新增的画面，并鼓励他们享受其中的甜蜜，同时也维持你们拥有的关系？鉴于这些新情况，你们如何继续共同创造你们所处的关系？为了感到安全和被爱，你需要什么？为了感到自由行使他们的代理权，他们需要什么？

NRE creates a boots-on-the-ground opportunity to grow and reaffirm trust between you and your partner. Your actions, as the established partner, can show your ability to be flexible, to support your partner’s growth and joy, to put into practice all the principles you value. As an anchor in an attached relationship, you can create the conditions in which your partner is able to go out there and explore and then return to you. Your trust that they will indeed return—after a date, a weekend away, or eventually in the context of an ongoing attachment to a new person—is key here. And your partner’s actions, in turn, can demonstrate their commitment and really show that they value and cherish the relationship you have, no matter how much excitement they feel about someone else. How do you each convey this commitment to the other’s authenticity in a way that’s clear and meaningful? Do you need to maintain certain small gestures of affection, a weekly ritual of Friday night French fries and foot rubs, a habit of texting every day at lunchtime? How much do you want to know about the new person (within their boundaries, of course)? Do you want to meet them, or wait a bit? What would help strengthen your sense of security so that you can send your partner off to their date and feel good about it, or at least neutral? Talk about all of it.

NRE 创造了一个实实在在的机会来成长并重申你和伴侣之间的信任。作为既定伴侣，你的行动可以显示你的灵活性，支持伴侣的成长和快乐，并将你重视的所有原则付诸实践的能力。作为依恋关系中的锚点，你可以创造条件，让你的伴侣能够走出去探索，然后回到你身边。你相信他们确实会回来——在约会、周末外出之后，或者最终在一个与新人持续依恋的背景下——这是关键。反过来，你伴侣的行动可以证明他们的承诺，并真正表明无论他们对别人感到多么兴奋，他们都重视和珍惜你们拥有的关系。你们每个人如何以清晰和有意义的方式向对方传达这种对真实性的承诺？你们是否需要保持某些微小的喜爱姿态，每周五晚上吃薯条和足部按摩的仪式，每天午餐时间发短信的习惯？你想知道多少关于新人的信息（当然在他们的界限内）？你想见他们，还是等一等？什么会有助于加强你的安全感，以便你可以送你的伴侣去约会并对此感觉良好，或者至少保持中立？谈论这一切。

When you’re the one experiencing NRE, mindfulness is one strategy that tends to be successful. Be aware that your brain is swimming in a powerful chemical soup. Enjoy it, but don’t make life-altering decisions right away. If you know you may be predisposed to neglect your established relationships, think about strategies to mitigate this—both on your own and in consultation with your partners—and then put those strategies into action. Be willing to do a reality check, both within your relationships and by talking with supportive friends.

当你经历 NRE 时，正念是一种往往成功的策略。要意识到你的大脑正游动在强大的化学汤中。享受它，但不要立即做出改变生活的决定。如果你知道你可能倾向于忽视你既定的关系，考虑减轻这种情况的策略——既可以自己考虑，也可以与伴侣协商——然后将这些策略付诸行动。愿意进行现实检查，既在你的关系内部，也通过与支持你的朋友交谈。

In some ways, the way NRE plays out in nonmonogamy is the purest distillation of what makes nonmonogamy different from monogamy. It gives you the opportunity to learn and show each other that loving more than one person is really possible. Even in the throes of some of the most intense emotions a human being can feel, you can still make choices that honour and respect the people you love—precisely because you love them and want to be good to them always, no matter what else is going on. And even while being attached to someone, you can send them out the door to see someone else and genuinely want them to have a good time—again, precisely because you love them, and you want to see them reach all the heights of joy this world can offer them. (That’s kind of always a group project, whether you’re nonmonogamous or not.)

在某种程度上，NRE 在非单偶制中的表现是使非单偶制不同于单偶制的最纯粹的升华。它给了你们机会去学习并向彼此展示爱不止一个人真的是可能的。即使在人类能感受到的最强烈情绪的阵痛中，你仍然可以做出尊重和尊敬你所爱之人的选择——正是因为你爱他们，并且无论发生什么，总是想对他们好。即使在依恋某人的同时，你也可以送他们出门去见别人，并真心希望他们玩得开心——同样，正是因为你爱他们，你想看到他们达到这个世界能提供给他们的所有快乐高度。（无论你是不是非单偶制，这都有点像一个集体项目。）

This is also the place where you can experience a range of emotions that’s uncommon in other relationship styles: the feeling of being happy to spend time with one person while simultaneously missing another, for example, or the feeling of compersion, where you’re truly thrilled to see the joy that your partner is experiencing with someone else. Is it always that easy? No, certainly not! But here is where you can figure out, together with all involved, how to make it possible—or whether, for you (at this time, or ever), it is not. And you only get there by communicating about it at every step of the process.

这也是你可以体验到在其他关系风格中不常见的一系列情绪的地方：例如，在高兴与一个人共度时光的同时想念另一个人的感觉，或者共喜的感觉，你真的为你伴侣与别人体验到的快乐感到兴奋。总是那么容易吗？不，当然不是！但在这里，你可以与所有相关人员一起弄清楚如何使其成为可能——或者对你来说（在这个时候，或者永远），它是否不可能。你只有通过在过程的每一步都进行沟通才能到达那里。

Long-term partners can also benefit from the surge of chemicals that a new partnership inspires. When one person is full of hormones from a new connection, it’s not unusual for that to have a ripple effect on pre-existing connections too. It’s wise to maintain good boundaries and remember that other people are real, not just convenient sources of chemical highs. But that doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re not in the mood to get it on with your long-term lover if you really are! You’re allowed to enjoy the state you’re in.

长期伴侣也可以从新伙伴关系激发的化学物质激增中受益。当一个人因新连接而充满荷尔蒙时，这对原有的连接产生连锁反应并不罕见。保持良好的界限并记住他人是真实的，而不仅仅是方便的化学快感来源，这是明智的。但这并不意味着如果你真的想和你的长期爱人亲热，你必须假装没心情！你可以享受你现在的状态。

NRE does present some other dangers, particularly if you find it challenging to separate the excitement from the practicalities. For example, when the hormonal cocktail begins to wear off, a person who doesn’t understand what’s happening may become convinced that the relationship is no longer interesting and was probably a mistake from the start. They may start casting around for a new relationship, which they pursue with zeal until that NRE too wears off. In monogamous culture, this takes the form of short-term serial relationships. In nonmonogamy, this pattern can present as a series of ongoing relationships that begin explosively and then wither from neglect. The person keeps pursuing the next new hit of the body’s endogenous high, very much like they might experience addiction to an external substance. To avoid this problem, you need a good dose of self-awareness and discernment: Is this the chemicals talking? How will you know? What are your checks and balances—do you have a wise friend or two, a therapist, a less NRE-ful partner (or several), or other sources to help you stay grounded? How can you make sure your choices and actions best align with your values and fit with your ethical system? Make decisions cautiously while NRE is happening so that you don’t effectively treat partners as sources of excitement rather than as full human beings. NRE is a great place to return to axiom 1: other people are real.

NRE 确实也带来了一些其他危险，特别是如果你发现很难将兴奋与实际情况分开。例如，当荷尔蒙鸡尾酒开始消退时，一个不明白正在发生什么的人可能会确信这段关系不再有趣，可能从一开始就是一个错误。他们可能会开始寻找一段新关系，并热情地追求，直到那段 NRE 也消退。在单偶制文化中，这采取短期连续关系的形式。在非单偶制中，这种模式可以表现为一系列持续的关系，这些关系开始时具有爆炸性，然后因被忽视而枯萎。这个人一直在追求身体内源性快感的下一次新冲击，非常像他们可能对外部物质上瘾的体验。为了避免这个问题，你需要大量的自我意识和辨别力：这是化学物质在说话吗？你怎么知道？你的制衡机制是什么——你有一两个明智的朋友、治疗师、一个 NRE 较少的伴侣（或几个），或其他来源来帮助你保持脚踏实地吗？你如何确保你的选择和行动最符合你的价值观并适合你的伦理体系？在 NRE 发生时谨慎做决定，这样你就不会有效地将伴侣视为兴奋的来源，而不是完整的人类。NRE 是回归公理 1 的绝佳场所：他人是真实的。

Living together

共同生活

Being involved with multiple partners complicates the logistics of cohabitation. Commune-style living exists, but more often, we see households of two or three people, some or all of whom may have non-live-in relationships with other people. Some of those other people might have live-in relationships with their other partners.

卷入多个伴侣会使同居的后勤工作变得复杂。公社式的生活是存在的，但更多时候，我们看到的是两三个人的家庭，其中一些或所有人可能与其他人有非同居关系。其中一些其他人可能与他们的其他伴侣有同居关系。

As we’ve said, there’s no standard model. Whether the people in a nonmonogamous relationship live together depends only on their own needs and choices. After all, just because you love Dorian and Taj, and you can see yourself living with either or both of them, that doesn’t necessarily mean Dorian and Taj can (or want to) live with each other! Not everyone wants to live with even one person. Some folks prefer having their own space. In fact, for people who practise a solo poly model of relationships, living alone may be vastly preferable to sharing a home, regardless of how committed a relationship is or how long it continues.

正如我们所说，没有标准模式。非单偶制关系中的人是否住在一起只取决于他们自己的需求和选择。毕竟，仅仅因为你爱多里安 (Dorian) 和泰姬 (Taj)，并且你可以想象自己与他们中的任何一个或两个一起生活，这并不一定意味着多里安和泰姬可以（或想要）彼此一起生活！不是每个人都想甚至只和一个人住在一起。有些人更喜欢拥有自己的空间。事实上，对于实行独身多边恋模式关系的人来说，独居可能比分享一个家更可取，无论一段关系有多承诺或持续多久。

An entire class of problems can appear when you live with multiple partners. Living with anyone in itself can be a source of stress and discomfort, whether they’re a partner, a family member, a roommate or even a guest. A lot of unnecessary suffering can be avoided with partners when you employ the same strategies as for non-romantic roommates—strategies like negotiation and clear expectations around dishes in the sink, household chores, basic courtesy, respect for other people’s sleeping schedules, and willingness to clean up after yourselves.

当你与多个伴侣一起生活时，会出现一整类问题。与任何人一起生活本身就可能是压力和不适的来源，无论他们是伴侣、家庭成员、室友还是客人。当你对伴侣采用与非浪漫室友相同的策略时，可以避免很多不必要的痛苦——这些策略包括关于水槽里的盘子、家务杂事、基本礼貌、尊重他人睡眠时间表以及愿意自己清理的协商和明确期望。

It would be possible to write a whole book about nonmonogamous living arrangements: co-owning property, renting, managing small spaces, dealing with conflicting work or school schedules, handling the logistics of where long-distance partners stay when they visit, figuring out what “respect” means to all involved in sharing a space, dealing with money management styles and income differences, taking care of kids and pets, accommodating everyone’s needs related to disability and other considerations, and so much more. In fact, there is at least one such book, The Polyamorous Home by Jess Mahler. Suffice to say, it’s a huge topic for discussion and worth approaching with real care and consideration. Living arrangements can have a huge impact on our relationships, so don’t take them lightly.

写一本关于非单偶制生活安排的整本书是可能的：共同拥有财产、租赁、管理小空间、处理冲突的工作或学校时间表、处理异地伴侣来访时的住宿后勤、弄清楚“尊重”对所有共享空间的人意味着什么、处理资金管理风格和收入差异、照顾孩子和宠物、适应每个人与残疾和其他考虑相关的需求，等等。事实上，至少有一本这样的书，杰丝·马勒 (Jess Mahler) 的《多边恋家庭》(The Polyamorous Home)。可以说，这是一个巨大的讨论话题，值得真正小心和周到地对待。生活安排会对我们的关系产生巨大影响，所以不要掉以轻心。

Commitments in nonmonogamous relationships

非单偶制关系中的承诺

The huge variation in nonmonogamous relationships means there won’t be a clear road map for what commitment looks like. Some folks argue this means nonmonogamous relationships can’t be committed. Naturally we disagree, though we will say commitment in nonmonogamous relationships is often quite different from the monogamous template.

非单偶制关系的巨大差异意味着对于承诺是什么样子不会有清晰的路线图。有些人争辩说这意味着非单偶制关系无法做出承诺。我们自然不同意，尽管我们要说非单偶制关系中的承诺通常与单偶制模板截然不同。

In mononormative culture, many commitments look like the relationship escalator. People who start dating each other and continue awhile often expect a commitment to stop dating other people. Most monogamous dating couples who don’t break up will eventually live together. Most people living together who don’t break up will eventually feel they need to commit to getting married, owning property and maybe having kids together. There is tremendous social pressure, particularly in heterosexual society, to do these things by a certain age. Sometimes this is justified by the idea that people with uteruses only have so many reproductive years if they want to give birth. A lot of it is wrapped up in toxic ideas, such as that a woman’s attractiveness has an expiry date, and thus so does her ability to “catch” a man; that if you don’t settle down by a certain point, there must be something wrong with you (guys, you might be gay! horrors!); and that the only real commitment is one in which you “put a ring on it.” Given all these pressures, a lot of people get married at the “correct” time, but to a person who might not be their ideal match for a lifelong commitment. And then, predictably, they have a midlife crisis from all the pressure or as they get to know their own wants and needs better as they age, and they divorce and feel like they’ve failed—when in fact doing it all “correctly” might have been their real mistake. Or, put more kindly, a learning experience from which they might emerge with a clearer sense of self.

在单偶常态文化中，许多承诺看起来像关系自动扶梯。开始约会并持续一段时间的人通常期望承诺停止与其他人约会。大多数没有分手的单偶制约会伴侣最终会住在一起。大多数住在一起没有分手的人最终会觉得他们需要承诺结婚、拥有财产，也许还一起生孩子。通过特定年龄做这些事情存在巨大的社会压力，特别是在异性恋社会中。有时这被证明是合理的，理由是如果想要生育，有子宫的人只有那么多生育年份。其中很多都被有毒的想法包裹着，例如女性的吸引力有保质期，因此她“抓住”男人的能力也有保质期；如果你不在某个点安定下来，那你一定有问题（伙计们，你可能是同性恋！太可怕了！）；以及唯一真正的承诺是你“戴上戒指”的承诺。鉴于所有这些压力，许多人在“正确”的时间结婚，但对象可能不是他们终身承诺的理想人选。然后，可以预见的是，由于所有的压力，或者随着年龄的增长他们更好地了解了自己的愿望和需求，他们会遇到中年危机，他们离婚并觉得自己失败了——而实际上，把一切都做“对”可能才是他们真正的错误。或者，更客气地说，这是一次学习经历，他们可能会从中获得更清晰的自我意识。

There are less-tangible commitments in monogamy as well, many of which translate quite well to nonmonogamy. Most monogamous couples would probably agree that they have a commitment to seeing the relationship continue as long as it can. Most monogamous couples have a commitment to one another’s well-being, which might mean anything from bringing chicken soup to a partner who’s sick to driving a partner to work if their car breaks down.

单偶制中也有一些不太有形的承诺，其中许多可以很好地转化为非单偶制。大多数单偶制夫妇可能会同意，他们承诺让关系尽可能长久地持续下去。大多数单偶制夫妇承诺彼此的福祉，这可能意味着任何事情，从给生病的伴侣送鸡汤到如果伴侣的车坏了送他们去上班。

Part of the beauty of nonmonogamous relationships is they can look like almost anything the people involved want them to. The usual scripts don’t need to apply, or at least not as a package deal. But that means nonmonogamous people are responsible for questioning the mononormative notions they were likely steeped in throughout their lives, and making conscious decisions about their relationships. It’s essential to be crystal clear when making commitments, and to never assume a commitment unless it’s been explicitly stated. Simply being in a relationship with someone is not a commitment to the traditional relationship escalator. A pattern is not a commitment—and an assumption that it is can lead to a feeling of entitlement, or at least unspoken expectations, on one side and confusion or pressure on the other. Nonmonogamy means creating relationships deliberately. If you want your partner to make a certain commitment to you, ask. If you are uncertain what commitments your partner thinks they have made, ask.

非单偶制关系的部分美妙之处在于，它们可以看起来像相关人员想要的任何样子。通常的脚本不需要适用，或者至少不是作为一个一揽子交易。但这意味非单偶制者有责任质疑他们可能一生都沉浸其中的单偶常态观念，并对他们的关系做出有意识的决定。做出承诺时必须非常清楚，除非明确说明，否则绝不要假设承诺。仅仅与某人建立关系并不是对传统关系自动扶梯的承诺。模式不是承诺——假设它是承诺可能会导致一方产生权利感，或者至少是未言明的期望，而另一方则产生困惑或压力。非单偶制意味着有意地创造关系。如果你希望你的伴侣对你做出某种承诺，请提出来。如果你不确定你的伴侣认为他们做出了什么承诺，请询问。

Also, be realistic about what commitments you can make. This means not just being realistic about your other commitments now, but about the flexibility you may require in the future when a new person enters your life. One challenge with nonmonogamous relationships is that they require a willingness to leave space for other people who have their own needs and desires. This means that some types of commitments are especially problematic in nonmonogamous relationships, and the need for flexibility on everybody’s part is much greater.

此外，要对你能做出什么承诺持现实态度。这不仅意味着要对你现在的其他承诺持现实态度，还要对当新人进入你的生活时你未来可能需要的灵活性持现实态度。非单偶制关系的一个挑战是，它们需要愿意为有自己需求和欲望的其他人留出空间。这意味着某些类型的承诺在非单偶制关系中尤其成问题，每个人对灵活性的需求都要大得多。

For example, longer-term commitments are trickier than short-term ones. You can easily commit to a date with your partner next week, but to commit to a date with them the same night every week forever? That overlooks the fact that you may someday have someone new in your life, and that’s the only night they can see you. Or maybe you’ll someday want to go to Mexico for a week with the new partner, which will mean cancelling your date night with your original partner. Of course, a weekly scheduled date night is perfectly fine, as long as there’s an understanding that someday it might need to be renegotiated.

例如，长期承诺比短期承诺更棘手。你可以很容易地承诺下周与伴侣约会，但承诺永远每周同一晚与他们约会？这忽略了一个事实，即有一天你的生活中可能会有新人，而那是他们唯一能见你的晚上。或者也许有一天你会想和新伴侣去墨西哥一周，这意味着取消你与原伴侣的约会之夜。当然，每周安排好的约会之夜完全没问题，只要大家理解有一天它可能需要重新协商。

Financial commitments in nonmonogamy need special attention, too. It’s common for people in a monogamous relationship to combine their finances. In nonmonogamy (and frankly, in monogamy, too!), we believe it’s important to have access to some money that’s just yours, even if you have joint finances with another person. There are lots of reasons this is a good idea, but in nonmonogamy specifically, it helps prevent one source of resentment and conflict. When all money is joint money, and then one person spends some of it on dates with someone else, this can be cause for upset. When each person has some amount of money that is theirs to use as they wish, this helps eliminate the feeling that one person is subsidizing another’s dating life.

非单偶制中的财务承诺也需要特别注意。在单偶制关系中，人们合并财务是很常见的。在非单偶制中（坦率地说，在单偶制中也是如此！），我们认为拥有一些只属于你的钱很重要，即使你与另一个人有共同财务。这有很多理由是个好主意，但在非单偶制中，它特别有助于防止怨恨和冲突的一个来源。当所有的钱都是共同财产，然后一个人把其中的一部分花在与别人的约会上时，这可能会引起不安。当每个人都有一定数量的钱可以随心所欲地使用时，这有助于消除一个人在资助另一个人约会生活的感觉。

Advocating for needs and navigating commitments can create a special challenge for solo folks. People are accustomed to judging a relationship’s significance by how far it’s gone up the escalator. So when they don’t see the conventional markers of a “serious” relationship, they may underestimate its depth and how much investment has gone into it. People who take a solo approach often look for partners who value them and their needs even when the relationship doesn’t follow a recognized trajectory. So it’s often not their partners who misunderstand the importance of their relationships, but their metamours. A partner’s other partner can easily trivialize a relationship that doesn’t appear “committed” because it doesn’t have the normal markers (such as moving in together) that society associates with commitment. Many solo poly people, when considering a relationship with a person who is already partnered, find it essential to talk about their expectations and ideas about commitment early on.

为需求辩护和驾驭承诺可能会给独身人士带来特殊的挑战。人们习惯于通过关系在自动扶梯上走了多远来判断其重要性。因此，当他们看不到“严肃”关系的传统标志时，他们可能会低估其深度和投入程度。采取独身方式的人通常寻找即使关系不遵循公认轨迹也重视他们及其需求的伴侣。所以往往不是他们的伴侣误解了他们关系的重要性，而是他们的表侣。伴侣的另一个伴侣很容易轻视一段看起来不“承诺”的关系，因为它没有社会与承诺联系在一起的正常标志（如搬到一起住）。许多独身多边恋者在考虑与已经有伴侣的人建立关系时，发现尽早谈论他们对承诺的期望和想法至关重要。

There’s one last type of commitment that can trip you up that applies to any intimate relationship, nonmonogamous or otherwise, but we think it’s important to mention here. That is commitment to future intimacy. Many of the commitments we make in relationships—things like legal and financial responsibilities, a shared home or children—are actually commitments to life-building, not to feelings. And not to never changing your boundaries. When you’re head over heels in love (or feeling NRE), you may want to promise to love your partner forever. You may even want to promise to desire them forever—as much as you do now. But as much as you may want to build a life with someone, consent to intimacy exists only right now, right here, in this moment. Consent means that you will be able to choose at all times the intimacy you participate in.

最后还有一种类型的承诺可能会让你绊倒，它适用于任何亲密关系，无论是非单偶制还是其他，但我们认为在这里提及很重要。那就是对未来亲密关系的承诺。我们在关系中做出的许多承诺——比如法律和财务责任、共同的家或孩子——实际上是对生活建设的承诺，而不是对感情的承诺。也不是对永远不改变你界限的承诺。当你神魂颠倒地坠入爱河（或感觉 NRE）时，你可能想承诺永远爱你的伴侣。你甚至可能想承诺永远渴望他们——就像你现在一样。但是，尽管你可能很想与某人建立生活，但对亲密的同意只存在于此时，此地，这一刻。同意意味着你将能够在任何时候选择你参与的亲密关系。

Being in a consensual intimate relationship means you are never obligated to any future intimacy, meaning anything that enters your personal boundaries. This could be sleeping together, having sex, hugging and kissing, sharing emotions, living together, having certain shared experiences or making shared choices. You can state intentions for the future, but you cannot legitimately pre-consent, because no one knows what the future holds. Both people must recognize and respect personal boundaries in the present time, regardless of intentions stated in the past. This is important to understand, or else the relationship can easily become coercive.

处于一段双方同意的亲密关系中意味着你永远没有义务进行任何未来的亲密行为，即任何进入你个人界限的事情。这可能是睡在一起、做爱、拥抱和接吻、分享情感、住在一起、拥有某些共同经历或做出共同选择。你可以陈述对未来的意图，但你不能合法地预先同意，因为没人知道未来会发生什么。两个人都必须在当下承认并尊重个人界限，无论过去陈述的意图如何。理解这一点很重要，否则关系很容易变得强制性。

Many people build structures against free exercise of consent in the future to protect themselves from their fears: “Never leave me.” “Love me forever.” Such statements are you or your partner asking for a guarantee of the other’s future feelings and choices. But even if you have already made such promises, you can always withdraw consent, always draw new boundaries. If you truly can’t, then it’s not consent at all. The moment you ignore your partner’s boundaries, desires or needs, or you feel your partner has no right to them because they made a prior commitment, your relationship has become coercive.

许多人建立结构来反对未来自由行使同意权，以保护自己免受恐惧：“永远别离开我。”“永远爱我。”这样的陈述是你或你的伴侣在要求对对方未来的感受和选择做出保证。但即使你已经做出了这样的承诺，你也总是可以撤回同意，总是可以划定新的界限。如果你真的不能，那根本就不是同意。当你无视伴侣的界限、欲望或需求的那一刻，或者你觉得你的伴侣无权拥有它们因为他们之前做过承诺时，你们的关系就变得强制性了。

Long-distance relationships

异地恋 (Long-distance relationships)

When you look around at nonmonogamous people, you’ll see a disproportionate number of long-distance relationships (LDRs). Often you’ll see deeply committed, long-term LDRs—something that’s comparatively rare among monogamous people.

当你环顾非单偶制人群时，你会看到不成比例的异地恋 (LDRs)。你经常会看到深度承诺的、长期的 LDR——这在单偶制人群中相对罕见。

Monogamy makes assumptions that are poorly suited to distance, and it can be difficult to maintain sexual exclusivity for long periods when your partner is far away. But because nonmonogamy doesn’t necessarily include expectations that partners will live together, and because it doesn’t restrict sex and intimacy to one person, long-distance nonmonogamous relationships are more feasible. Another reason you see so many LDRs is that many nonmonogamous folks meet online or at conferences and gatherings that bring people together from far and wide. Plus, because nonmonogamous people represent a relatively small portion of the population, the selection of local nonmonogamous partners can be limited.

单偶制做出的假设很难适应距离，而且当伴侣远在天边时，很难长期保持性排他性。但因为非单偶制并不一定包含伴侣将住在一起的期望，而且因为它不将性和亲密关系限制在一个人身上，所以异地非单偶制关系更可行。你看到这么多 LDR 的另一个原因是，许多非单偶制者在网上或在汇聚四面八方人士的会议和聚会上相遇。此外，因为非单偶制者在人口中占的比例相对较小，本地非单偶制伴侣的选择可能有限。

LDRs exist in a constrained space. Time with a long-distance partner is scarce, meaning it’s at a premium whenever the opportunity comes up. But there are many ways to nourish an LDR when you and your partners are apart, from frequent messaging to sending snail mail gifts to having date nights where you get on the phone and watch the same movie at the same time in two different places. LDRs are an opportunity to get really creative about how you express your attraction, thoughtfulness and care.

LDR 存在于受限的空间中。与异地伴侣在一起的时间是稀缺的，这意味着每当机会出现时它都非常宝贵。但是，当你和伴侣分开时，有很多方法可以滋养 LDR，从频繁发信息到寄送传统邮件礼物，再到约会之夜——你们通电话并在两个不同的地方同时观看同一部电影。LDR 是一个让你真正创造性地表达你的吸引力、体贴和关怀的机会。

The time when long-distance partners are physically together, surprisingly, can create the most stress. When you have both local and long-distance partners, it can be easy to get so caught up in the normal, day-to-day relationship with a local partner that you forget to make space for the distant one. Sometimes literally. A long-distance partner can be a sort of “invisible” person, someone whose needs aren’t necessarily obvious. For example, do you leave a place in your home for your long-distance partner to stay on visits? If you have a regular schedule with local partners—every Friday is date night, say—are you flexible enough for a long-distance visitor to interrupt that routine?

令人惊讶的是，异地伴侣真正在一起的时候可能会造成最大的压力。当你既有本地伴侣又有异地伴侣时，很容易陷入与本地伴侣正常的日常关系中，以至于忘记为异地伴侣腾出空间。有时是字面意义上的。异地伴侣可能是一种“隐形”人，他们的需求不一定明显。例如，你是否在家里为你的异地伴侣来访时留了住宿的地方？如果你与本地伴侣有固定的时间表——比如每周五是约会之夜——你是否足够灵活，可以让异地访客打断这个惯例？

Local partners may resent visits that disrupt regular schedules. (We talk a lot more about scheduling and questions of “fairness” elsewhere, but some things are worth going over here as they pertain specifically to LDRs.) When your long-distance partner is in town, naturally you want to maximize the time you spend with them. From the perspective of a local partner, the visits can look like all grapes and no cucumbers (a distinction we explain on page 250). You may go out to eat more often, take trips, spend more time playing tourist, and do other fun things to make the most of the limited time you have together. Your local partner might end up saying, “Hey! When do I get to have that fun?” If your long-distance partner visits for a week and you want to spend every night with them, your local partner might say, “That’s not fair! When do I get to spend the night with you?” (The answer, of course, might be “During the other fifty-one weeks in the year.”) It’s important to avoid one-to-one comparisons here, as the nature of each relationship is so different. At the same time, if you feel something is missing in any one of your relationships, by all means sit down together with your partners and figure out how to meet that need! Comparisons are odious, but that feeling of missing out on something can be a legitimate indicator that you should make a change.

本地伴侣可能会怨恨打乱常规时间表的访问。（我们在别处谈了很多关于日程安排和“公平”问题，但有些事情值得在这里回顾，因为它们专门针对 LDR。）当你的异地伴侣进城时，你自然想最大化你与他们在一起的时间。从本地伴侣的角度来看，这些访问可能看起来全是葡萄而没有黄瓜（我们在第 250 页解释了这个区别）。你可能会更频繁地出去吃饭、去旅行、花更多时间扮演游客，并做其他有趣的事情来充分利用你们在一起的有限时间。你的本地伴侣最后可能会说，“嘿！我什么时候才能享受到那种乐趣？”如果你的异地伴侣来访一周，你想每晚都和他们在一起，你的本地伴侣可能会说，“这不公平！我什么时候能和你过夜？”（当然，答案可能是“在一年中的其他 51 周里”。）在这里避免一对一的比较很重要，因为每段关系的性质都如此不同。同时，如果你觉得你的任何一段关系中缺少了什么，一定要和你的伴侣坐下来，弄清楚如何满足那个需求！比较是可恶的，但那种错失的感觉可能是一个合理的指标，表明你应该做出改变。

LDRs concentrate the fun, flashy parts of a relationship, but at the cost of all the small things that build intimacy every day. Local partners might want that “vacation” feeling with their sweetheart, but if they stop and think about it, few would be willing to trade places with a long-distance partner and miss out on the day-to-day joys instead! LDRs also create special concerns around relations between metamours, because visits may not allow much time to build metamour friendships. The partners in the LDR may need to sacrifice some dyad time if they want to get to know their metamours. Metamours, for their part, need to be able to recognize the scarcity of time the long-distance partners have with each other, and realize that it’s probably not personal if they don’t get as much time as they’d like to get to know each other. Because distance makes time such a valuable commodity, flexibility from everyone is vital.

LDR 集中了关系中有趣、浮华的部分，但代价是失去了每天建立亲密感的所有小事。本地伴侣可能想要和心上人有那种“度假”的感觉，但如果他们停下来想一想，很少有人愿意和异地伴侣交换位置，反而错过日常的快乐！LDR 还在表侣关系周围产生了特殊的担忧，因为访问可能不允许太多时间来建立表侣友谊。如果 LDR 中的伴侣想要了解他们的表侣，他们可能需要牺牲一些二人世界的时间。对于表侣来说，他们需要能够认识到异地伴侣彼此拥有的时间稀缺性，并意识到如果他们没有得到他们想要的那么多时间来互相了解，这可能不是针对个人的。因为距离使时间成为如此宝贵的商品，每个人的灵活性至关重要。

Nonmonogamy with children

有孩子的非单偶制

Nonmonogamy can be a tremendously positive thing for children. It can potentially mean there are more loving adults in the family, and it can allow children to see more examples of healthy, positive, loving relationships. It exposes children to the idea that love is abundant and can take many forms. Also: more birthday presents!

非单偶制对孩子来说可能是一件极其积极的事情。这可能意味着家庭中有更多充满爱的成年人，它可以让孩子看到更多健康、积极、充满爱的关系的榜样。它让孩子们接触到这样一种观念：爱是丰富的，可以采取多种形式。还有：更多的生日礼物！

Children of nonmonogamous parents grow up with adults in all kinds of configurations. Many nonmonogamous parents end up living with one or more non-parental partners, some of whom may have kids of their own. It’s quite common to see live-in vees consisting of a couple with children plus another adult partner who often participates in child care and may have a close, stepparent-like relationship with the children. Bigger networks may live in a great big house with six or seven kids—it’s all been done. Some non-parental partners are more like aunts or uncles, some more like friends of the family who don’t have much involvement with their partners’ kids. Some (but not many) nonmonogamous people hide their nonmonogamous relationships from their children, seeing partners outside the home or treating them as “friends.”

非单偶制父母的孩子在各种各样的成年人配置中长大。许多非单偶制父母最终与一个或多个非父母伴侣住在一起，其中一些人可能有自己的孩子。很常见的是看到同居的 V 型结构，由一对有孩子的夫妇加上另一个成年伴侣组成，后者经常参与育儿，并可能与孩子有亲密的、类似继父母的关系。更大的网络可能会住在一个有六七个孩子的大房子里——这一切都发生过。有些非父母伴侣更像阿姨或叔叔，有些更像家庭的朋友，与伴侣的孩子没有太多接触。一些（但不多）非单偶制者对孩子隐瞒他们的非单偶制关系，在外面见伴侣或把他们当作“朋友”对待。

There is no magic formula for nonmonogamous parenting, no configuration that will work best for every family or every kid. The strongest, healthiest homes for children are those with happy, emotionally healthy adults who model integrity and good communication. The children’s needs must be cared for, and the parents absolutely need to be present for and committed to their children, but that does not mean sacrificing their own needs, happiness or interests to every want of the children. Most people seem ready to accept parents’ complexities and trade-offs for other things, such as careers—not just when both parents work, but when a parent needs to uproot the family to move cross-country for a career or educational opportunity. It’s really not so different for relationships.

非单偶制育儿没有神奇的公式，没有一种配置对每个家庭或每个孩子都最有效。对孩子来说，最坚固、最健康的家庭是那些拥有快乐、情感健康的成年人的家庭，他们以身作则，诚实正直，善于沟通。孩子的需求必须得到照顾，父母绝对需要在场并对孩子做出承诺，但这并不意味着为了孩子的每一个愿望而牺牲自己的需求、幸福或利益。大多数人似乎准备接受父母为了其他事情（如事业）的复杂性和权衡——不仅是当父母双方都工作时，而且当父母为了事业或教育机会需要举家搬迁到全国各地时。这对于关系来说并没有什么不同。

If you have children or plan to have them, and you want to be nonmonogamous, it’s worth taking some time to unpack your ideas about what it means to be a good parent. Our society has long idealized nuclear families, but there are all kinds of families, including plenty of children who grow up without “traditional” nuclear families. A lifelong, live-in romantic dyad is not the only healthy or acceptable way to raise children, and in fact the isolated nuclear family is a historically recent aberration. The expression “it takes a village to raise a child” isn’t (always) a metaphor. It’s an accurate reflection of how many Indigenous cultures across the world have approached child-rearing for millennia, and have an expansive and communal mentality about what counts as a family. Plenty of cultures today value multigenerational living arrangements, with three and even four generations under the same roof or on the same street. If you were raised to believe the nuclear family is the only kind that counts, it’s worth seeking out and learning about these other models, which are by no means extinct. As a nonmonogamous person, you might end up creating a beautiful live-in quad or triad with dedicated co-parents, not unlike the way your great-grandparents grew up, surrounded by aunts and uncles. Or you might lose your romantic relationship with your co-parent and end up as a single parent, or in a platonic co-parenting arrangement with your former partner, or in something that resembles a monogamous blended family (separated parents living with stepparents).

如果你有孩子或计划要孩子，并且你想成为非单偶制者，那么花点时间去解构你关于什么是好父母的想法是值得的。我们的社会长期以来一直将核心家庭理想化，但有各种各样的家庭，包括许多没有“传统”核心家庭长大的孩子。终身的、同居的浪漫二人组并不是抚养孩子的唯一健康或可接受的方式，事实上，孤立的核心家庭在历史上是最近的反常现象。“养育一个孩子需要整个村庄”这句话并不（总是）是个比喻。它准确地反映了世界各地许多原住民文化数千年来如何处理育儿问题，并且对什么算作家庭有着广阔和公社的心态。如今，许多文化重视多代同堂的生活安排，三代甚至四代人住在同一个屋檐下或同一条街上。如果你从小就被教导核心家庭是唯一算数的家庭，那么寻找并了解这些绝未灭绝的其他模式是值得的。作为一个非单偶制者，你最终可能会建立一个美丽的同居四人组或三人组，有尽职的共同父母，这与你曾祖父母长大的方式没什么不同，周围都是阿姨和叔叔。或者你可能会失去与共同父母的浪漫关系，最终成为单亲父母，或者与前伴侣处于柏拉图式的共同育儿安排中，或者处于类似于单偶制重组家庭（分居父母与继父母同住）的状态中。

Parental shaming is rampant in North American culture, and as you might imagine, nonmonogamous parents are frequently targets of this shame. Folks here are immersed in so many messages about what “good parenting” looks like that by the time you get around to having kids, it can be tough to shake off the guilt, no matter what you do. Mom working outside the home? How can you be so selfish? Not working? You’ll never afford a safe town with good schools! Don’t want to (or can’t) breastfeed? You’re ruining your child’s chance at good health! There are a million ways for parents to “fail,” and parents are measuring themselves and others against every one of them. If you don’t get it right, your kids will grow up to be failures—and it’s all your fault.

父母羞辱在北美文化中十分猖獗，正如你可以想象的那样，非单偶制父母经常是这种羞辱的目标。这里的人们沉浸在太多关于“好育儿”是什么样子的信息中，以至于当你真的生了孩子时，无论你做什么，都很难摆脱内疚感。妈妈在外面工作？你怎么能这么自私？不工作？你永远买不起有好学校的安全城镇！不想（或不能）母乳喂养？你毁了孩子健康的几率！父母有无数种“失败”的方式，父母们用每一条标准来衡量自己和他人。如果你没做对，你的孩子长大后就会成为失败者——这都是你的错。

Your monogamous friends may tell you that when you have kids, you’ll settle down and grow out of this whole nonmonogamy thing. Some of your nonmonogamous friends may tell you that empowered nonmonogamous relationships are impossible with children, because without a hierarchical structure, no one would look after the children’s needs. Everyone will tell you that good parents always put their kids first—but what that means is very culturally specific. Everyone thinks they know what’s best for kids, and damn near everyone is ready with judgment and blame when the parents they know (truthfully: usually mothers) fail to meet their expectations. Add the fact that nonmonogamous people are in a PR war in which we’re putting our cheeriest, most stable and photogenic nonmonogamous families out in front, and that gives nonmonogamous parents just one more thing to measure up to.

你的单偶制朋友可能会告诉你，当你有孩子时，你会安定下来，不再搞这套非单偶制的东西。你的一些非单偶制朋友可能会告诉你，有孩子的赋权非单偶制关系是不可能的，因为没有等级结构，就没有人照顾孩子的需求。每个人都会告诉你，好父母总是把孩子放在第一位——但这在文化上是非常具体的。每个人都认为自己知道什么对孩子最好，几乎每个人都准备好在他们认识的父母（说实话：通常是母亲）未能满足他们的期望时进行评判和指责。再加上非单偶制者正处于一场公关战中，我们把最快乐、最稳定、最上镜的非单偶制家庭推到前面，这给了非单偶制父母另一个需要达到的标准。

Are you okay with the idea of raising your kids in a family that doesn’t meet the mononormative and amatonormative script of a romantic dyad? Do you believe you can still do right by your kids if you end up raising them in a home with one or three or more parents or an extended network—something that looks different from what you expected? Or will you feel you have “failed” your children? If you are going to live in fear every time your partner is away with another partner because you believe that if you can’t maintain a “primary” romantic dyad you’ll somehow be harming your children, how can you interrogate those beliefs?

你是否能接受在一个不符合单偶常态和恋爱常态浪漫二人组脚本的家庭中抚养孩子？你是否相信如果你最终在一个有一个、三个或更多父母或扩展网络的家庭中抚养孩子——看起来与你预期的不同——你仍然可以对孩子负责？还是你会觉得你“辜负”了你的孩子？如果你因为相信如果你不能维持“主要”浪漫二人组就会以某种方式伤害你的孩子，而每次你的伴侣与另一个伴侣外出时你都生活在恐惧中，你如何审视这些信念？

Children certainly do complicate time management. Young children especially require huge time commitments from parents. It’s essential to be realistic about how much time you have available to invest in intimate relationships, including with your co-parents, and whether that time is enough to allow you to treat an additional partner well—especially if a relationship becomes serious. If you’re in a co-parenting relationship with one person, and your co-parent is extremely fearful of the loss of time for young children that another relationship might represent, it is worth considering whether nonmonogamy is a good choice for you at this stage in life.

孩子确实使时间管理变得复杂。年幼的孩子尤其需要父母投入大量时间。对你有多少时间可以投入到亲密关系中（包括与你的共同父母），以及这些时间是否足以让你善待额外的伴侣——特别是如果关系变得严肃——持现实态度至关重要。如果你与一个人处于共同育儿关系中，而你的共同父母极度担心另一段关系可能意味着失去陪伴年幼孩子的时间，那么值得考虑非单偶制在这个人生阶段是否是你的好选择。

One final thing to consider is the situation of new parents. Many thoughtful people try to space out new relationships, allowing time for each to become secure and established and aiming to understand the impact it will have on their lives, before being open to another one. You may want to take a similar approach when a new baby arrives. And given the emotional upheaval, life changes and sleep deprivation that come with having a new baby, this is an especially good time to be cautious when deciding whether you are available for new connections. In fact, many established relationships, both monogamous and nonmonogamous, end due to the stress brought on by the birth of a child. Remember: Whatever your reasons, if the circumstances of your life do not allow you to treat multiple partners well, then it is not kind to seek them out.

最后要考虑的一件事是新父母的情况。许多深思熟虑的人试图拉开新关系的间隔，在对另一个开放之前，让每一段关系都有时间变得安全和稳固，并旨在了解它将对他们的生活产生的影响。当新宝宝到来时，你可能想采取类似的方法。鉴于有了新宝宝带来的情绪剧变、生活变化和睡眠不足，在决定你是否可以建立新连接时，这是一个特别需要谨慎的好时机。事实上，许多既定关系，无论是单偶制还是非单偶制，都因为孩子出生带来的压力而结束。记住：无论你的理由是什么，如果你生活的情况不允许你善待多个伴侣，那么去寻找他们是不友善的。

COMING OUT AND CHILDREN

出柜与孩子

One question nearly every nonmonogamous parent has is when and how to explain things to children, and how much to disclose to them. The best guideline we know of, repeated to us over the years by dozens of nonmonogamous parents, is to be open, within age-appropriate boundaries. For you to answer questions honestly as they arise may be all many children need or want; you may never need to have a serious sit-down talk about your lifestyle (although your child may someday want to initiate one). The healthiest nonmonogamous homes we know of are the ones where the parents are open about their partners.

几乎每个非单偶制父母都有一个问题：何时以及如何向孩子解释事情，以及向他们披露多少。我们所知道的最好的指导方针，多年来由数十位非单偶制父母向我们重复，就是在适龄的范围内保持开放。当问题出现时诚实地回答可能是许多孩子需要或想要的一切；你可能永远不需要就你的生活方式进行严肃的坐下来谈话（尽管你的孩子有一天可能会想发起一次）。我们所知道的最健康的非单偶制家庭是那些父母对他们的伴侣持开放态度的家庭。

Trying to conceal relationships from children is unlikely to work and may lead them to feel that your relationships are somehow shameful or dirty. At the same time, there’s rarely a need to disclose anything about your sex life to your kids.

试图对孩子隐瞒关系不太可能奏效，可能会导致他们觉得你的关系在某种程度上是可耻的或肮脏的。同时，很少有必要向你的孩子披露任何关于你性生活的事情。

The situation is a little different if you have older kids and decide to open your relationship. Your children won’t have grown up accustomed to having other partners around. Then you probably will need to have The Talk. You will likely find it easier to come out to them once you actually have a new partner, or at least when someone’s on the horizon. Again, you don’t need to disclose more than is appropriate for your child’s age. A younger child may just need to know that the new person is important; an older one should be told that they are a partner. You may or may not choose to go into the word nonmonogamy.

如果你有大一点的孩子并决定开放你的关系，情况就有点不同了。你的孩子在成长过程中并不习惯周围有其他伴侣。那么你可能真的需要进行那次谈话。一旦你真的有了新伴侣，或者至少当有人即将出现时，你可能会发现向他们出柜更容易。同样，你不需要披露超过你孩子年龄适当范围的内容。年幼的孩子可能只需要知道那个人很重要；年长的孩子应该被告知他们是伴侣。你可能会也可能不会选择深入探讨非单偶制这个词。

Your child will need many of the same reassurances as adults: that your being nonmonogamous doesn’t mean their parents don’t love each other anymore. That it doesn’t mean you’re going to have a string of strangers parading through the house. That you are committed to keeping them safe and happy, and that you want to know about any concerns they have about any partner of yours.

你的孩子需要许多与成年人相同的安慰：你是非单偶制并不意味着他们的父母不再相爱了。这并不意味着你会有一连串的陌生人在家里进进出出。你致力于让他们保持安全和快乐，你想知道他们对你的任何伴侣有什么担忧。

Be prepared for the possibility that your children, particularly preteens or teenagers, will reject your nonmonogamy outright. It may take them years to understand and accept. In fact, nonmonogamy may become part of the focus of their teenage rebellion. They may hurl toxic judgments at you, as happens to lots of parents with teenagers; you’ve just given them a special target. The fact that it’s to be expected—and it’s ultimately not about you—doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. Have faith that by the time they are adults, they are likely to come around.

做好准备，你的孩子，特别是青春期前后的孩子，可能会断然拒绝你的非单偶制。他们可能需要几年时间才能理解和接受。事实上，非单偶制可能会成为他们青春期叛逆焦点的一部分。他们可能会向你投掷有毒的评判，就像许多有青少年的父母所遭遇的那样；你只是给了他们一个特殊的目标。这是意料之中的事——而且这最终与你无关——但这并不意味着它不会痛。要有信心，等到他们成年时，他们很可能会回心转意。

Children also complicate whether to be out publicly. Depending on where you live, you and your kids may experience stigma, and you may even face legal threats. Particularly in some conservative areas of the United States, nonmonogamy can be and is used as a powerful weapon in custody battles. (In most parts of Canada, where nonmonogamy has been recognized by the courts as legal, evidence of nonmonogamy is very hard to admit into child custody or child protection cases.) Teachers and other parents may react badly to your lifestyle and end up taking it out on the kids. (If you do need to educate a teacher in your life about nonmonogamy, you can pick up the short guide Nonmonogamy and Teaching by Ashley Speed.³) These are all considerations in the decision whether to be out.

孩子也使是否公开出柜变得复杂。根据你居住的地方，你和你的孩子可能会经历污名化，甚至可能面临法律威胁。特别是在美国的一些保守地区，非单偶制可以并且确实被用作监护权争夺战中的有力武器。（在加拿大大部分地区，非单偶制已被法院承认为合法，非单偶制的证据很难被纳入儿童监护权或儿童保护案件中。）老师和其他家长可能会对你的生活方式反应恶劣，并最终把气撒在孩子身上。（如果你确实需要教育你生活中的老师关于非单偶制的知识，你可以拿起阿什利·斯皮德 (Ashley Speed) 的简短指南《非单偶制与教学》(Nonmonogamy and Teaching)。³）这些都是决定是否出柜时的考量因素。

Many nonmonogamous parents are out in their wider communities, and many find that—sometimes after a period of adjustment—it presents little difficulty. (Your mileage may vary, of course: This is very location-specific.) Even if you live in a fairly accepting community, you may find that your kids feel embarrassed about not having a “normal” family. It’s a good idea to think about how to balance your own need to be out against your kids’ needs or desires for privacy, especially as they get older.

许多非单偶制父母在更广泛的社区中出柜，许多人发现——有时经过一段调整期后——这几乎没有困难。（当然，你的情况可能会有所不同：这非常取决于地点。）即使你生活在一个相当包容的社区，你可能会发现你的孩子因为没有一个“正常”的家庭而感到尴尬。考虑如何平衡你自己出柜的需求与孩子对隐私的需求或渴望是个好主意，尤其是当他们长大后。

What about marriage?

关于婚姻？

Nonmonogamous relationships may be live-in or separate, local or long-distance, sexual or nonsexual, entwined for life or autonomous, open or closed, shared or networked or entirely independent. Given that, some people ask, “Why would a nonmonogamous person even bother to get married?” But many people are nonmonogamous and married, for all sorts of reasons.

非单偶制关系可以是同居或分居、本地或异地、性或非性、终身交织或自主、开放或封闭、共享或网络化或完全独立的。鉴于此，有些人问，“为什么非单偶制者还要费心去结婚？”但许多人是非单偶制者并且已婚，出于各种原因。

Plenty of nonmonogamous people choose to marry, though their marriages lack the pledge of sexual (and often emotional) exclusivity that is a hallmark of traditional marriages. They do so for the same reasons monogamous people get married: for someone to build a life with, to build wealth with, to raise children with, to grow old with. Nonmonogamy does offer a great deal more flexibility in how you structure a marriage and what elements you make a part of it. For example, it need not include sex or children, shared finances, or even living together. A marriage is a commitment between two—or in the case of nonmonogamy, sometimes more than two—people. What that commitment includes is up to them.

许多非单偶制者选择结婚，尽管他们的婚姻缺乏作为传统婚姻标志的性（通常还有情感）排他性承诺。他们这样做的原因与单偶制者结婚的原因相同：为了找个人一起建立生活，一起积累财富，一起抚养孩子，一起变老。非单偶制确实在如何构建婚姻以及将哪些要素纳入其中方面提供了更大的灵活性。例如，它不需要包括性或孩子、共享财务，甚至同居。婚姻是两个人——或者在非单偶制的情况下，有时超过两个人——之间的承诺。该承诺包括什么取决于他们。

A marriage is also, often, a public celebration of the commitment. People who have been in a relationship for a long time and are making a serious commitment to each other often want to share their joy in that commitment and declare it to the world, which is another great reason why many nonmonogamous people do choose to marry. Depending on the situation, a ceremony between two nonmonogamous people might be indistinguishable from a wedding between monogamous partners, or it might be creatively reimagined to include additional partners in ways that recognize their roles in each other’s lives. A nonmonogamous grouping might come up with a whole new kind of ceremony to celebrate their unique connection.

婚姻也通常是对承诺的公开庆祝。长期处于一段关系中并相互做出严肃承诺的人往往想分享他们对那个承诺的喜悦并向世界宣告，这也是许多非单偶制者选择结婚的另一个重要原因。视情况而定，两个非单偶制者之间的仪式可能与单偶制伴侣之间的婚礼没有区别，或者它可以被创造性地重新构想，以承认其他伴侣在彼此生活中角色的方式将他们包括在内。一个非单偶制群体可能会想出一种全新的仪式来庆祝他们独特的联系。

However, marriage is also a legal institution—the core legal institution developed to enforce compulsory monogamy and the nuclear family as an organizing unit of society. So the law in most places still does not account for nonmonogamy in a way that reflects the real-life marriage practices of nonmonogamous folks. For example, in Canada, it’s not legal to have any kind of marriage ceremony with more than one person (unless you divorce one of them first). This comes from the country’s anti-polygamy laws, which were upheld in a British Columbia Supreme Court ruling in 2011 in the context of an intensive investigation into an isolated Mormon polygamous sect operating in the town of Bountiful. The case was focused on religiously motivated coercive practices involving men with multiple wives, including child marriage, and advocates pointed out (accurately) that women were treated unequally and abuse abounded. All true, and terrible; and sadly, Bountiful is just one of many polygamous sects in North America with similar problems. But none of this is reflective of the average nonmonogamous adult relationship that’s increasingly common in nonreligious and noncoercive contexts all over Canada.⁴

然而，婚姻也是一种法律制度——为强制实行单偶制和作为社会组织单位的核心家庭而发展的核心法律制度。因此，大多数地方的法律仍然没有以反映非单偶制者现实婚姻实践的方式来考虑非单偶制。例如，在加拿大，与不止一个人举行任何形式的结婚仪式都是不合法的（除非你先与其中一人离婚）。这源于该国的反一夫多妻法，该法在 2011 年不列颠哥伦比亚省最高法院的一项裁决中得到维持，背景是对在邦蒂富尔 (Bountiful) 镇活动的一个孤立的摩门教一夫多妻教派的深入调查。该案件的焦点是出于宗教动机的强制性做法，涉及拥有多个妻子的男人，包括童婚，倡导者指出（准确地）妇女受到不平等待遇且虐待猖獗。所有这些都是真的，而且很可怕；遗憾的是，邦蒂富尔只是北美许多有类似问题的一夫多妻教派之一。但这都不能反映在加拿大各地非宗教和非强制性背景下日益普遍的普通非单偶制成人关系。⁴

In contrast, a Newfoundland court declared in 2018 that three adults who formed a polyamorous triad were all considered the legal parents of the child they were raising together.⁵ Where does that leave nonmonogamous people? Some say there needs to be a Supreme Court challenge to settle the question, but there doesn’t seem to be one on the horizon. As a result, much like same-sex couples before same-sex marriage was decreed nationwide in 2005, nonmonogamous groupings in Canada who want to have some sort of recognition of their relationship—whether religious, legal or in any other formal way—are left to improvise and hope for the best.

相比之下，纽芬兰法院在 2018 年宣布，组成多边恋三人组的三名成年人都被视为他们共同抚养的孩子的合法父母。⁵ 这让非单偶制者处于何种境地？有人说需要最高法院的挑战来解决这个问题，但目前似乎还没有这样的挑战。结果，就像同性婚姻在 2005 年全国颁布之前的同性伴侣一样，加拿大那些想要某种形式的关系认可的非单偶制群体——无论是宗教的、法律的还是任何其他正式方式——只能即兴发挥并抱最好的希望。

Some more affluent people may hire lawyers to draw up custom contracts of various kinds, but those might not stand up in court if challenged, especially if they involve children. Others cobble together protections by strategically using the available options, such as marrying a long-distance partner as part of helping them enter the country while maintaining property ownership with a local partner. We’re not lawyers and can’t advise on what the right approach is. And in fact, until there is some kind of legal framework that recognizes the existence of fully consensual nonmonogamy, it’s unlikely there will be a single “right” approach for nonmonogamous people. The systems that govern our world, in the Global North at least, are not built for us. We must navigate them with the same creativity we bring to our unconventional relationships in the first place.

一些较富裕的人可能会聘请律师起草各种定制合同，但如果受到挑战，这些合同在法庭上可能站不住脚，尤其是如果涉及孩子。另一些人则通过战略性地使用可用选项来拼凑保护措施，例如与异地伴侣结婚作为帮助他们入境的一部分，同时与本地伴侣维持财产所有权。我们不是律师，无法建议什么是正确的方法。事实上，在某种承认完全合意非单偶制存在的法律框架出现之前，非单偶制者不太可能有一种单一的“正确”方法。管理我们世界的系统，至少在全球北方，不是为我们建立的。我们必须以我们最初带给非常规关系的同样创造力来驾驭它们。

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

Building nonmonogamous relationships means carefully assessing how you define your commitments and expectations, how you think about partnership, and how you think about the paths your relationships should, or could, take. These kinds of relationships also require you to build your commitments with an eye toward making space available for future partners, if you are seeking them. Here are some questions that can help:

建立非单偶制关系意味着仔细评估你如何定义你的承诺和期望，你如何思考伴侣关系，以及你如何思考你的关系应该或可以采取的路径。这类关系还要求你在建立承诺时着眼于为未来的伴侣腾出空间（如果你正在寻找的话）。以下是一些有帮助的问题：

• What are my current commitments? How much time do they leave for new partners?

• When am I open to finding new partners?

• What assumptions do I make about what commitment means in my relationships?

• How do I define commitment? Do my definitions leave room for nontraditional commitments and nontraditional relationship trajectories?

• If I am open to new partners, how do I leave—or how can I make—space for them?

• 我目前的承诺是什么？它们给新伴侣留出了多少时间？

• 我什么时候对寻找新伴侣持开放态度？

• 我对承诺在我的关系中意味着什么有什么假设？

• 我如何定义承诺？我的定义是否为非传统承诺和非传统关系轨迹留出了空间？

• 如果我对新伴侣持开放态度，我如何为他们留出——或者我如何能为他们腾出——空间？

If you have children, or are thinking of having them, here are some additional questions worth considering:

如果你有孩子，或者正在考虑要孩子，这里有一些额外的问题值得考虑：

• When I think about family structures that I think are healthy for children, what features do they all have in common?

• How can I and the other adults in my life contribute to an environment that is safe and nurturing for children?

• What does it look like for me, my partners, and other members of my intimate network to be supportive of our responsibilities to children within the network, including mine?

• 当我思考我认为对孩子健康的家庭结构时，它们都有什么共同特征？

• 我和我生活中的其他成年人如何为一个对孩子安全和滋养的环境做出贡献？

• 对我、我的伴侣和我亲密网络的其他成员来说，支持我们在网络内对孩子的责任（包括我的孩子）是什么样子的？

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Footnotes

1. we can change Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds: Fifty-Four Variations on Voice, quoted in Maria Popova, “The Bird in the Heart: Terry Tempest Williams on the Paradox of Transformation and How to Live with Uncertainty,” The Marginalian (blog), January 24, 2024, https://www.themarginalian.org/2024/01/26/when-women-were-birds ↩ ↩²

2. coined the term limerence See Dorothy Tennov, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love (Lanham, MD: Scarborough House, 1998). ↩ ↩²

3. educate a teacher Ashley Speed, Nonmonogamy and Teaching: A More Than Two Essentials Guide (Victoria, BC: Thornapple Press, 2023). ↩ ↩²

4. all over Canada Canada’s Polygamy Laws Upheld by B.C. Supreme Court, CBC, November 23, 2011, https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/canada-s-polygamy-laws-upheld-by-b-c-supreme-court-1.856480. ↩ ↩²

5. child they were raising together Michael McDonald, “3 Adults in Polyamorous Relationship Declared Legal Parents by N. L. Court,” CBC, June 14, 2018, https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/polyamourous-relationship-three-parents-1.4706560. ↩ ↩²