16 从伴侣关系开放 Opening from a Couple

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Life has taught us that love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPÉRY¹

生活教会我们，爱不在于相互凝视，而在于共同向外眺望同一个方向。

安托万·德·圣埃克苏佩里 (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)¹

It’s still very common for people to come to nonmonogamy from an established monogamous couple. Monogamy is still the default for most relationships, and even people for whom nonmonogamy is the best fit often discover it only after starting monogamous relationships.

人们从既定的单偶制伴侣关系走向非单偶制仍然是非常普遍的。单偶制仍然是大多数关系的默认设置，即使是那些最适合非单偶制的人，也往往在开始单偶制关系后才发现这一点。

A lot of nonmonogamy advice assumes that everyone is starting out from being part of a couple, which is not the case—you might be a solo person who stumbles across a sexy couple you’d like to hook up with, or you might suddenly discover group chemistry with several other solo people, or find yourself dating a member of a triad, or any number of other scenarios. And it’s increasingly common, especially among younger and queer folks, to see people who have always engaged in nonmonogamy in some form. But because the starting point of couplehood is so common, we do need to spend some time talking about this trajectory in particular. (For an even more in-depth look at this exact scenario, check out Jessica Fern’s excellent book Polywise.)

许多非单偶制建议都假设每个人都是从作为伴侣的一部分开始的，情况并非如此——你可能是一个单身人士，偶然遇到了一对你想勾搭的性感夫妇，或者你可能突然发现与其他几个单身人士有群体化学反应，或者发现自己正在与三人组的一名成员约会，或者是任何其他情况。而且越来越常见的是，特别是在年轻人和酷儿中，看到人们一直以某种形式从事非单偶制。但因为伴侣关系的起点如此普遍，我们确实需要花一些时间专门讨论这个轨迹。（要更深入地了解这种确切情况，请查看杰西卡·弗恩的优秀著作《多边智慧》。）

People who want to transition their relationship from monogamous to nonmonogamous tend to ask a lot of questions like: “How can I protect the relationship I’ve already built?” “How can I ensure that I will continue to meet my existing obligations?” “What do I do if someone gets jealous?” “What happens if a new relationship threatens the existing one?” “What if my partner meets someone they love more?” “How can I still feel special?” “How do I find nonmonogamous people to date?” “How do I tell my partner I want this?” and “What if my partner is the one who brought up the idea, and I’m kinda shocked about it?”

想要将关系从单偶制转变为非单偶制的人往往会问很多问题，比如：“我如何保护我已经建立的关系？”“我如何确保我将继续履行我现有的义务？”“如果有人嫉妒怎么办？”“如果一段新关系威胁到现有关系会发生什么？”“如果我的伴侣遇到了他们更爱的人怎么办？”“我怎样才能仍然感到特别？”“我如何找到非单偶制的人约会？”“我如何告诉我的伴侣我想要这个？”以及“如果是我的伴侣提出了这个想法，而我有点震惊怎么办？”

The last two questions need to be dealt with first, so that’s where we’ll start. Note that, while it might not necessarily be obvious, once you’ve had this conversation, your relationship has changed. Even if you ultimately decide not to pursue nonmonogamy, just the fact that one of you has expressed interest means a part of your relationship is now different. We hope you can find a way to make that a positive thing—an example of your ability to have complicated conversations, be honest with each other and really listen to each other’s concerns—regardless of whether you end up pursuing nonmonogamy together.

最后两个问题需要首先处理，所以我们将从那里开始。请注意，虽然这可能不一定很明显，但一旦你们进行了这次谈话，你们的关系就已经改变了。即使你们最终决定不追求非单偶制，仅仅是你们中的一个表达了兴趣这一事实就意味着你们关系的一部分现在不同了。我们希望你们能找到一种方法让这成为一件积极的事情——作为你们能够进行复杂对话、彼此诚实并真正倾听对方担忧的一个例子——无论你们最终是否一起追求非单偶制。

If your partner brought it up

如果是你的伴侣提出的

Simply having the question of nonmonogamy raised is, for some people, a difficult thing to accept. If your partner has just started this conversation, you’re probably having a lot of feelings about it—negative, positive, confused or mixed.

对于一些人来说，仅仅是提出非单偶制的问题就是一件难以接受的事情。如果你的伴侣刚刚开始了这段对话，你可能会对此有很多感觉——消极的、积极的、困惑的或混合的。

Remember, you are at choice at every step, though you might not like all the options in front of you. In fact, it might feel like there are only two: staying together and doing this nonmonogamy thing you didn’t see coming and wouldn’t have asked for, or splitting up because you really don’t want to do nonmonogamy. That’s a tough position to be in. We’d suggest not making any fast decisions. Take the time to learn, think about and digest this idea, and talk with your partner a lot. You might want to work with a relationship therapist who’s knowledgeable about nonmonogamy. You’re not obliged to try nonmonogamy, but even if you don’t, it’s worth exploring what this means to your partner, why they asked, how they’d envision it working, and so on. You might learn that you’re fundamentally incompatible, but you also might learn that you can find ways to creatively meet each other’s needs instead of splitting up, even if you never open up your relationship.

请记住，你在每一步都有选择权，尽管你可能不喜欢面前的所有选项。事实上，感觉可能只有两个：在一起做这个你没预见到也不会要求的非单偶制事情，或者因为你真的不想做非单偶制而分手。这是一个艰难的处境。我们建议不要做任何快速决定。花时间学习、思考和消化这个想法，并与你的伴侣多谈谈。你可能想与一位对非单偶制有了解的关系治疗师合作。你没有义务尝试非单偶制，但即使你不尝试，也值得探索这对你的伴侣意味着什么，他们为什么问，他们设想它是如何运作的，等等。你可能会了解到你们根本不兼容，但也可能会了解到你们可以找到创造性的方法来满足彼此的需求而不是分手，即使你们从未开放你们的关系。

If you’re reading this, you’re probably at least a bit open to the idea of nonmonogamy, or at least willing to learn more before you run screaming. Or maybe you’re quite open to the idea but not sure how to go about it, what you want, or how not to screw it up. Either way, glad you’re here! Keep reading!

如果你正在读这本书，你可能至少对非单偶制的想法有点开放，或者至少愿意在尖叫着逃跑之前了解更多。或者也许你对这个想法相当开放，但不确定该怎么做，你想要什么，或者如何不搞砸。无论哪种方式，很高兴你在这里！继续读下去！

If you want to bring it up

如果你想提出它

If you’re the person bringing up the idea of nonmonogamy with your partner, there is no “right” time or “right” way to do it. You’re talking about negotiating a change in the most basic story of what your relationship is. This is not likely to be a conversation that happens in five minutes while you’re chopping vegetables. The idea will probably take a while to sink in. It may be weeks or months—or longer!—before you’re finished talking about it. Likely both of you will need some time to come to terms with this degree of change.

如果你是向伴侣提出非单偶制想法的人，没有“正确”的时间或“正确”的方式来做这件事。你在谈论协商改变你们关系最基本的故事。这不太可能是在你切菜时的五分钟对话。这个想法可能需要一段时间才能被消化。在你谈完它之前可能需要几周或几个月——甚至更长！很可能你们俩都需要一些时间来接受这种程度的变化。

Start simply. Say to your partner, “I’ve been hearing about nonmonogamy. What do you think of it?” And then, listen to the answer. This is a dialogue, and dialogues are two-way; half of communication is listening. If you go into the conversation with the goal of persuading your partner to do what you want, they may end up feeling pressured or coerced. Talk to your partner about how you came to this idea. More importantly, talk about why. Talk about what interests you and what you find appealing about it. Be direct and honest, but also compassionate. If your partner has fears, listen to them. Talk about your own fears. And then listen some more. If a nonmonogamous relationship is to be healthy and successful, it has to work for everyone. That means your partner can’t just do it for your sake; it has to work for them, too. When a person goes into nonmonogamy when it isn’t a good fit for them just because their partner wants it, there’s tension baked in from the start.

简单开始。对你的伴侣说，“我一直听说非单偶制。你觉得怎么样？”然后，听听回答。这是对话，对话是双向的；沟通的一半是倾听。如果你带着说服伴侣做你想做的事的目标进入对话，他们可能会感到压力或被迫。和你的伴侣谈谈你是怎么产生这个想法的。更重要的是，谈谈为什么。谈谈你感兴趣的是什么，以及你觉得它有什么吸引力。要直接和诚实，但也要富有同情心。如果你的伴侣有恐惧，倾听它们。谈谈你自己的恐惧。然后再多听听。如果一段非单偶制关系要是健康和成功的，它必须对每个人都有效。这意味着你的伴侣不能仅仅为了你而做；这也必须对他们有效。当一个人因为伴侣想要而进入不适合他们的非单偶制时，紧张关系从一开始就注定了。

When you start discussing the idea of nonmonogamy, remember there’s a very real chance your partner may never be on board with a nonmonogamous relationship. Some people, no matter how open-minded or secure, are just happiest in monogamy, and that’s okay. If your partner is monogamous, that isn’t a rejection of you, and it doesn’t mean your partner is unevolved or unenlightened. It may, however, mean you have to face some tough questions: How important is nonmonogamy to you? Can you be happy if your partner wants you to remain monogamous for life? If not, you may be faced with ending the relationship to take a risk on the life you want.

当你开始讨论非单偶制的想法时，请记住你的伴侣很有可能永远不会接受非单偶制关系。有些人，无论多么思想开放或有安全感，就是在单偶制中最快乐，这没关系。如果你的伴侣是单偶制的，那并不是对你的拒绝，也不意味着你的伴侣没有进化或不开明。然而，这可能意味着你必须面对一些棘手的问题：非单偶制对你有多重要？如果你的伴侣希望你终生保持单偶制，你能快乐吗？如果不能，你可能面临结束关系以冒险追求你想要的生活。

If your partner accepts the idea of nonmonogamy, it’s normal to sit down and try to negotiate agreements about how you will approach it. Be careful! Think about what effects any agreements you make will have on future people who get involved with you. Think about what assumptions your agreements are based on. It can be easy to forget that each of us has the right to build a life suited to our needs. Nonmonogamy isn’t a privilege your partner extends to you. If you start from the premise that you don’t actually have any right to be nonmonogamous, that your partner is doing you a favour by permitting you to “get away with” having other partners, you can end up believing that you should accept whatever conditions your partner may impose, even if they don’t feel good to you or if they mean anyone you start a relationship with is likely to be hurt.

如果你的伴侣接受了非单偶制的想法，坐下来尝试协商你们将如何处理它是正常的。要小心！想想你们达成的任何协议会对未来与你们交往的人产生什么影响。想想你们的协议是基于什么假设的。很容易忘记我们每个人都有权建立适合自己需求的生活。非单偶制不是你伴侣给你的特权。如果你从你实际上没有任何权利进行非单偶制的前提开始，认为你的伴侣是在通过允许你“侥幸”拥有其他伴侣来给你恩惠，你最终可能会认为你应该接受你伴侣可能施加的任何条件，即使它们让你感觉不好，或者即使它们意味着任何与你开始关系的人都很可能会受到伤害。

Giving it a try

试一试

If you’re in a monogamous relationship and your partner suggests nonmonogamy, or if you’re single and considering dating someone who’s nonmonogamous, it’s tempting to think, “Okay, sure, I can give this a go. If it doesn’t work, we can go back to being exclusive.” That makes sense at first blush, but as soon as another person is involved in the relationship, that person’s heart is on the line. Their feelings matter, and they deserve to be treated like a full human being, not like a lab experiment.

如果你处于单偶制关系中，你的伴侣建议非单偶制，或者如果你是单身并考虑与非单偶制者约会，你很容易会想，“好吧，当然，我可以试一试。如果不行，我们可以回到排他性关系。”这乍一看很有道理，但一旦另一个人卷入这段关系，那个人的心就悬在了一线。他们的感受很重要，他们理应被当作一个完整的人来对待，而不是像实验室实验品一样。

You’ll often hear nonmonogamous people talking about how scary it is to open a relationship. You don’t hear this as much from people who are starting a relationship with a member of an established couple, even though it’s just as scary. Couples are able to make all kinds of rules to transfer their risk onto new partners, without recognizing that a person starting a relationship with one or both of them is already assuming a lot of risk. When you fall in love, you are vulnerable; you put your heart in other people’s hands, knowing it might be broken. Too often, the vulnerability and fear within an existing couple is given the highest priority, with little or no recognition of the vulnerability and fear of a new person starting a relationship with them. Everyone in the foxhole is at risk, but that doesn’t make it okay to use anyone else as your human shield.

你会经常听到非单偶制者谈论开放关系有多可怕。你不太常从与既定伴侣中的一员开始关系的人那里听到这个，尽管这同样可怕。夫妇能够制定各种规则将他们的风险转移给新伴侣，却没有意识到与他们中的一个或两个开始关系的人已经承担了很多风险。当你坠入爱河时，你是脆弱的；你把心交到别人手里，知道它可能会破碎。现存夫妇内部的脆弱和恐惧往往被赋予最高优先级，而很少或根本不承认与他们开始关系的新人的脆弱和恐惧。战壕里的每个人都有风险，但这并不意味着把别人当作你的人肉盾牌是可以的。

The other problem with the “just give it a try” approach is that it doesn’t always fully account for your own feelings, either. Nonmonogamy isn’t for everyone, and you can’t predict what effect it will have on your life. We’re not saying you can never close a relationship after opening it—but if you try to go back to your old monogamous relationship, you will find that it has changed. Everyone has the right to end a relationship that they don’t want to be in anymore. But you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Once you’ve opened up, it’s very unlikely that you’ll be able to go back to exactly the same situation you were in before and have it be unchanged by the experience.

“试一试”方法的另一个问题是，它也不总是完全考虑到你自己的感受。非单偶制并不适合所有人，你无法预测它会对你的生活产生什么影响。我们不是说你在开放关系后永远不能关闭它——但如果你试图回到你旧的单偶制关系，你会发现它已经变了。每个人都有权结束他们不想再处于其中的关系。但你不能把牙膏塞回管子里。一旦你开放了，你很可能无法回到你以前的确切情况并让它不受经历的影响。

Seeking a closed triad

寻求封闭的三人组

A very, very common chain of reasoning among couples made up of one man and one woman, usually where the woman is bisexual and the man isn’t, goes something like this:

在一男一女组成的夫妇中（通常女性是双性恋而男性不是），一种非常非常常见的推理链条是这样的：

We want to open our relationship to new people. But also, that’s scary. How can we keep from feeling jealous and left out? Aha! Maybe we can date together! If we present ourselves as a package deal, nobody will be able to come between us. We need a bisexual woman, of course, so she can have sex with both of us—and the thought of another man in the mix is uncomfortable anyway. That woman can be with both of us, so she won’t come between us or make one of us feel left out. And we’ll make it an exclusive triad. She’ll be just with us, so we won’t feel threatened by her other partners. That way, we will both feel safe and comfortable.

我们想向新人开放我们的关系。但这也很可怕。我们怎样才能不感到嫉妒和被冷落呢？啊哈！也许我们可以一起约会！如果我们把自己作为一个套餐呈现，就没有人能插足我们之间。当然，我们需要一个双性恋女性，这样她就可以和我们俩都发生性关系——反正想到另一个男人加入就让人不舒服。那个女人可以和我们俩都在一起，这样她就不会插足我们之间或让我们中的一个感到被冷落。我们会把它变成一个排他性的三人组。她只和我们在一起，这样我们就不会受到她其他伴侣的威胁。那样，我们都会感到安全和舒适。

Couples looking for this setup are so common that they’re a cliché among nonmonogamous people, particularly in mainly cishet circles. (They’re also a well-known joke in queer women’s circles, since couples like this often target them in bars and on dating apps.) Very, very few such couples ever find their imagined third person. These couples often join organized nonmonogamy groups, but become frustrated and upset that their requirements are rebuffed. Many nonmonogamous women do identify as bisexual, and more than a few are open to having a man and a woman as partners, and plenty do like to play with couples, but experienced people almost always say no a closed triad whenever a hopeful couple approaches. The couple usually offers an unequal balance of power, even when they believe they’re offering equality; after all, they’re the ones setting the terms of the relationship.

寻找这种设置的夫妇如此普遍，以至于在非单偶制人群中，特别是在主要是顺性别异性恋的圈子里，他们已经成了陈词滥调。（她们在酷儿女性圈子里也是一个著名的笑话，因为这样的夫妇经常在酒吧和约会软件上以她们为目标。）极少有这样的夫妇能找到他们想象中的第三人。这些夫妇经常加入有组织的非单偶制团体，但因他们的要求被拒绝而感到沮丧和不安。许多非单偶制女性确实认同为双性恋，不少人也愿意拥有男性和女性伴侣，很多人确实喜欢和夫妇一起玩，但有经验的人几乎总是在充满希望的夫妇接近时拒绝封闭的三人组。这对夫妇通常提供不平等的权力平衡，即使他们相信他们提供的是平等；毕竟，他们是设定关系条款的人。

The entire premise is also based on heterocentrism, homophobia and misogyny, whether the couple realizes it or not. It sets up the original heterosexual partnership as the “real” or “main” relationship, with the new same-sex partnership being a pleasant add-on that’s expected to never rise above a certain limit of importance, because relationships between women aren’t actually real. It also often sets up the two women as entertainment for the man. (Do queer couples sometimes seek closed triads? Yes, but not in sufficient numbers or with sufficiently gendered assumptions to have developed the specific kind of terrible reputation that straight couples have.)

整个前提也基于异性恋中心主义、恐同症和厌女症，无论这对夫妇是否意识到。它将原来的异性伴侣关系设定为“真实的”或“主要的”关系，而新的同性伴侣关系则是一个令人愉快的附加物，预计永远不会超过某个重要性限度，因为女性之间的关系并不是真实的。它还经常将这两名女性设定为男性的娱乐对象。（酷儿夫妇有时会寻求封闭的三人组吗？是的，但在数量上或基于性别的假设上都不足以形成直人夫妇那种特定的糟糕名声。）

So if you’re part of the couple and those are your thoughts, know that you’ve chosen a difficult quest, and you will most likely never find such a person. Indeed, women willing to sign on to such a relationship are often called unicorns, because they’re about as thin on the ground as mythical horned horses. As reasonable as this idea might sound from your perspective, it is very unreasonable from her perspective.

所以，如果你是这对夫妇中的一员，并且你有这些想法，要知道你选择了一个艰难的任务，你很可能永远找不到这样的人。事实上，愿意签署这种关系的女性通常被称为独角兽 (unicorns)，因为她们就像神话中的有角马一样稀少。虽然这个想法从你的角度听起来很合理，但从她的角度来看却非常不合理。

Think about what the offer would look like from the side of the potential third person: First, the couple says they want you to date both of them. Almost always, you will be expected to have sex with both of them, and you may also be told you can’t have sex with one without the other there (because that might breed jealousy or resentment). And you will be expected to love both of them “equally.”

想想从潜在第三人的角度来看这个提议是什么样子的：首先，这对夫妇说他们希望你和他们俩都约会。几乎总是，你会被期望和他们俩都发生性关系，你可能还会被告知如果另一方不在场，你就不能和其中一方发生性关系（因为那可能会滋生嫉妒或怨恨）。而且你会被期望“平等地”爱他们俩。

From the start, you’re put in a position where you have little voice. Your relationships have already been scripted. Alas, the human heart rarely follows scripts. It is rare for someone to be attracted to two other people in the same way at the same rate at the same time. So you’re likely to be more attracted to and more connected with one member of the couple than the other, and that’s likely to create tension. Often, if you express more attraction for one person than the other, you’ll be kicked out immediately.

从一开始，你就处于一个几乎没有发言权的位置。你的关系已经被写好了脚本。唉，人心很少遵循脚本。某人以相同的方式、相同的速度、同时被另外两个人吸引是很罕见的。所以你很可能比对另一方更被这对夫妇中的一方吸引并与其有更多连接，这很可能会造成紧张。通常，如果你表现出对某一方比另一方更多的吸引力，你会立即被踢出局。

Plus, not everyone who’s nonmonogamous is an exhibitionist or likes group sex. Asking someone to have sex only in a group and only with two people is likely to come across as controlling, even to someone who does like group sex. All healthy relationships need some one-on-one time.

此外，并不是每个非单偶制者都是暴露狂或喜欢群交。要求某人只在群体中且只与两个人发生性关系很可能会让人觉得控制欲强，即使是对喜欢群交的人来说也是如此。所有健康的关系都需要一些一对一的时间。

But let’s say you agree and start dating them both—and, somewhere down the road, some sort of problem or incompatibility arises with one of them. What happens then? You’ll probably be told, “You knew we were a package deal. If you stop having sex with one of us or stop wanting a relationship with one of us, we will both break up with you.” That puts you in the unenviable position of being told your only choices are 1) to continue having sex with or being romantically vulnerable to someone you don’t feel close to; or 2) to have your heart broken. The relationship becomes coercive.

但是，假设你同意并开始和他们俩约会——然后，在未来的某个时候，其中一人出现了某种问题或不兼容。然后会发生什么？你可能会被告知，“你知道我们是一个套餐。如果你停止与我们中的一个发生性关系或停止想要与我们中的一个建立关系，我们俩都会和你分手。”这让你处于一个令人羡慕的境地，被告知你唯一的选择是 1) 继续与你不亲近的人发生性关系或在浪漫上保持脆弱；或者 2) 心碎。这种关系变得强制性。

As for the polyfidelity requirement, under which you’d agree to date only this couple, most people come to nonmonogamy because they reject the idea that being in a relationship means they can’t love anyone else. Yet that’s what’s being offered in this arrangement. People who identify as nonmonogamous generally won’t be excited about entering such a restrictive relationship. Those who do so tend to emerge saying they would never do it again.

至于多边忠贞的要求，即你同意只与这对夫妇约会，大多数人选择非单偶制是因为他们拒绝接受处于一段关系中意味着不能爱别人的想法。但这正是这种安排所提供的。认同为非单偶制的人通常不会对进入这种限制性关系感到兴奋。那些这样做的人出来后往往会说他们再也不会这样做了。

Add this all together and it’s not hard to see why unicorn-hunting is a bad idea.

把这些加在一起，不难看出为什么狩猎独角兽是个坏主意。

We’re not saying polyfidelitous triads don’t exist. The good ones we’ve seen, however, have formed when a member of a couple starts dating a new partner and then, some time later, that new partner develops an attraction for the other member of the original couple. The triad formed organically, rather than being scripted.

我们不是说多边忠贞的三人组不存在。然而，我们看到的好的三人组是当夫妇中的一方开始与新伴侣约会，然后一段时间后，那个新伴侣对原夫妇的另一方产生了吸引力时形成的。三人组是有机形成的，而不是按脚本编排的。

The truth is, structure can never solve the problem of jealousy. Having a polyfidelitous relationship can seem like a way to “ease into” nonmonogamy, but that’s a bit like trying to ease into skydiving by saying, “I don’t want to just jump out of the plane. That’s too scary. So I’ll climb out carefully, maybe sit on the wing for a while to get a feel for what it’s like, and get comfortable trusting my parachute.” Not only will this not work, it will put you and your fellow skydivers in jeopardy.

事实是，结构永远无法解决嫉妒的问题。拥有多边忠贞的关系似乎是一种“轻松进入”非单偶制的方式，但这有点像试图通过说“我不想直接跳出飞机。太可怕了。所以我小心地爬出去，也许在机翼上坐一会儿来感受一下那是什么样的，并适应信任我的降落伞”来轻松进入跳伞。这不仅行不通，还会让你和你的跳伞同伴处于危险之中。

If you don’t trust your parachute, skydiving probably isn’t for you. By “trust your parachute,” we mean building the tools of communication and jealousy management, trusting your partner, and believing that they want to take care of you even if other partners are involved in the mix … before you open up.

如果你不信任你的降落伞，跳伞可能不适合你。所谓的“信任你的降落伞”，我们的意思是建立沟通和嫉妒管理的工具，信任你的伴侣，并相信即使有其他伴侣卷入其中，他们也想照顾你……在你开放之前。

Couplehood and identity

伴侣关系与身份

One of the problems that can arise in opening from a couple to nonmonogamy is the competing expectations of mononormativity and nonmonogamous culture. In mononormativity, marriages are often portrayed as combining two lives into one. Society expects that couples do almost everything together. A spouse is often called “my other half.” In extreme cases, each person becomes so dependent on the other that they’re unable to express their needs as individuals or make decisions alone.

从伴侣关系向非单偶制开放可能出现的一个问题是单偶常态和非单偶制文化的竞争期望。在单偶常态中，婚姻通常被描绘成将两条生命合二为一。社会期望夫妇几乎做所有事情都在一起。配偶常被称为“我的另一半”。在极端情况下，每个人都变得如此依赖对方，以至于无法作为个体表达自己的需求或独自做出决定。

Yet when you’re looking for a partner, very often it’s who you are as an individual that makes you attractive. Couples who think of themselves as a unit aren’t likely to be seen as attractive prospects, because it can seem as if there’s no room for anyone else. If the two people think of themselves as one, where’s the room for a new person to have and express individual, distinct relationships with each of them? And what happens if a conflict arises within the couple, or between the new person and one member?

然而，当你在寻找伴侣时，往往是你作为一个个体的特质让你具有吸引力。把自己视为一个单位的夫妇不太可能被视为有吸引力的潜在对象，因为看起来似乎没有别人的空间。如果这两个人认为自己是一体的，哪里还有空间让一个新人与他们每个人建立和表达个人的、独特的关系呢？如果夫妇内部发生冲突，或者在新人与其中一员之间发生冲突，会发生什么？

Attempts to assert individuality can feel very threatening, especially to couples who have been together a long time. But as scary as it may be, asserting your individuality doesn’t mean damaging your existing relationship. You were individuals when you met, and that worked out, didn’t it? You can still be individuals while you maintain close, intimate bonds with your partner. Presenting yourself as a whole person who is closely connected with another and can become closely connected with new people too, rather than as half of a unit, makes finding new partners and developing new relationships much easier.

试图主张个性可能会让人感到非常受威胁，尤其是对在一起很长时间的夫妇来说。但尽管可能很可怕，主张你的个性并不意味着破坏你现有的关系。你们相遇时是个体，那很成功，不是吗？在与伴侣保持紧密、亲密关系的同时，你仍然可以是个体。把自己展示为一个与另一个人紧密相连并且也能与新人建立紧密联系的完整的人，而不是一个单位的一半，这会让寻找新伴侣和发展新关系变得容易得多。

Maintaining a separate identity within an intimate relationship is known as differentiation. If you struggle with differentiation, the book Polywise has some great exercises you and your partners can work through.

在亲密关系中保持独立身份被称为分化 (differentiation)。如果你在分化方面有困难，《多边智慧》这本书有一些很棒的练习，你和你的伴侣可以一起做。

Relationship broken?

关系破裂了？

There’s a snarky saying among nonmonogamous folks, often delivered with an eye-roll: “Relationship broken? Add more people!” This expression is used to refer to people—often but not always monogamous couples—who seek new partners to try to fix issues in their own relationship. Perhaps they’re feeling bored or stifled. Maybe the sexual spark is gone. Perhaps they’re having difficulty talking about their needs. Regardless, the solution (or so it seems) is to open up to new, exciting relationships, in hopes of turbocharging what’s already there or fixing the broken bits.

在非单偶制人群中有一句讽刺的说法，通常伴随着翻白眼：“关系破裂了？加更多人！”这种表达用来指那些——通常但不总是单偶制夫妇——寻求新伴侣以试图解决自己关系问题的人。也许他们感到无聊或窒息。也许性火花消失了。也许他们在谈论自己的需求方面有困难。无论如何，解决方案（或者看起来如此）是向新的、令人兴奋的关系开放，希望能增强现有的东西或修复破碎的部分。

Nonmonogamy won’t fix a broken relationship. We’re not saying a relationship needs to be perfect before you open it to nonmonogamy, but nonmonogamy will put pressure on any weakness that exists. It is not a solution to relationship problems. Nonmonogamy may make it easy for one person to escape an issue temporarily by retreating into the new shiny relationship, but the issue will always come back—often worse than before. And once you have more partners, there are more people who can be hurt.

非单偶制无法修复破裂的关系。我们并不是说在向非单偶制开放之前关系必须完美，但非单偶制会对存在的任何弱点施加压力。它不是关系问题的解决方案。非单偶制可能会让一个人通过退缩到新的光鲜关系中暂时逃避问题，但问题总是会回来——往往比以前更糟。一旦你有了更多的伴侣，就会有更多的人可能受到伤害。

There may be certain narrow exceptions. For example, we’ve known people with specific sexual kinks not shared by their partners who have started relationships with others who share those kinks. And if monogamy itself is the problem with your relationship—if you are compatible partners but are chafing at trying to squeeze yourselves into a monogamous mould—then nonmonogamy might help. Generally speaking, though, nonmonogamy will work best when any and all of your existing relationships are in good shape. People are not duct tape, something you wrap around the leaky pipes of your current relationship. You need to get help with your plumbing (or DIY it!) first.

可能存在某些狭窄的例外。例如，我们认识一些有特定性癖但伴侣不共享的人，他们与共享这些性癖的其他人建立了关系。如果单偶制本身是你关系的问题——如果你们是兼容的伴侣，但因为试图把自己挤进单偶制的模子而感到恼火——那么非单偶制可能会有所帮助。一般来说，当你的任何及所有现有关系都处于良好状态时，非单偶制效果最好。人不是管道胶带，不是你用来缠绕当前关系漏水管道的东西。你需要先寻求管道维修帮助（或自己动手！）。

Swinging as a starting point

以换偶为起点 (Swinging as a starting point)

Swinging is a sexual subculture that’s primarily made up of couples seeking sexual experiences with other couples, small groups or individuals. These couples are almost always made up of one man (historically straight, though this seems to be changing) and one woman (straight, bi-curious or bisexual). Some of it takes place at swingers’ clubs, cruises and resorts. Much swinging is a private affair, where a small group of people, often close friends, will get together and have sex. Long-term personal friendships can and do develop out of this kind of swinging.

换偶 (Swinging) 是一种性亚文化，主要由寻求与其他夫妇、小团体或个人进行性体验的夫妇组成。这些夫妇几乎总是由一名男性（历史上是异性恋，尽管这似乎正在改变）和一名女性（异性恋、对双性恋好奇或双性恋）组成。有些发生在换偶俱乐部、游轮和度假村。许多换偶是私人事务，一小群人（通常是亲密朋友）聚在一起发生性关系。这种换偶确实可以发展出长期的个人友谊。

Often swingers are married couples who consider themselves emotionally faithful but sexually adventurous. Many even self-identify as monogamous. Quite a few swingers operate under the premise that they are free to explore sex outside their relationship, at least in controlled settings such as parties, but not love and emotional intimacy. This doesn’t describe all swingers, of course, but it is a common theme among many.

换偶者通常是已婚夫妇，他们认为自己在情感上是忠诚的，但在性方面是冒险的。许多人甚至自认为是单偶制的。相当多的换偶者的前提是，他们可以自由地在关系之外探索性，至少在派对等受控环境中，但不能探索爱和情感亲密。当然，这并不能描述所有的换偶者，但这在许多人中是一个共同的主题。

There’s overlap between swingers and people involved in polyamorous communities as well as other types of nonmonogamy, and many people come to nonmonogamy from the world of swinging. After all, sex and intimacy are closely linked, so although a swinging couple may start out seeking sex, they are still susceptible to getting attached to their sex partners. Sometimes things go the other way, too: A person may be nonmonogamous and also seek out casual sex within swingers’ groups.

换偶者与参与多边恋社区以及其他类型非单偶制的人之间存在重叠，许多人是从换偶的世界走向非单偶制的。毕竟，性和亲密关系是紧密相连的，所以虽然换偶夫妇可能一开始只是寻求性，但他们仍然容易对性伴侣产生依恋。有时情况也会相反：一个人可能是非单偶制的，同时也在换偶群体中寻求随意的性行为。

If you arrive at nonmonogamy from swinging, you’ll likely find the transition a lot easier if your swinging didn’t include the assumption of emotional fidelity. If it did start from that assumption, welcome! You’ll probably find a lot in common with people in mono/poly relationships (relationships where one person is nonmonogamous and the other monogamous; see chapter 17). Some of the challenges of nonmonogamy will likely be fairly easy for you to handle. You’ve likely already resolved at least some of the sexual jealousy that people in a mono/poly relationship may face, though many swingers deal with this jealousy by only having sex with others while they’re together, and this may not be sustainable in another kind of nonmonogamous relationship. Other challenges, like mourning and letting go of the desire for emotional monogamy, will probably be similar, and the same strategies apply to dealing with them.

如果你是从换偶进入非单偶制的，如果你的换偶不包括情感忠诚的假设，你会发现过渡要容易得多。如果确实是从那个假设开始的，欢迎！你可能会发现与处于单偶/多边关系（一个人是非单偶制，另一个是单偶制；见第 17 章）的人有很多共同点。非单偶制的一些挑战对你来说可能相当容易处理。你可能已经解决了单偶/多边关系中人们可能面临的至少一部分性嫉妒，尽管许多换偶者通过只在两人都在场时与他人发生性关系来处理这种嫉妒，而在另一种非单偶制关系中这可能无法持续。其他挑战，如哀悼和放下对情感单偶制的渴望，可能是相似的，处理它们的策略也相同。

If you’re considering exploring swinging as a step into nonmonogamy, it’s worth noting that the subculture is not for everyone. While things vary a lot across the countless smaller circles that make up the larger swingers’ subculture, in general it’s not the friendliest place for queers or trans people, and it can be very objectifying of both women and men. Some clubs and events require that people submit pictures of themselves, and grant membership only to people with certain looks and body types. Women are sometimes pressured into performing bisexuality for the titillation of men, while men are often actively discouraged from exploring their own bisexuality. Club and event prices are often based on a binary notion of gender and aim to discourage single cis men but encourage single cis women. Also, if you’re accustomed to a consent culture approach that’s based on the premise that you should always ask before touching someone, the “touch first and see how they respond” approach that can be the norm in swingers’ spaces (regardless of written rules) can be very uncomfortable. Does all this apply to your local swingers’ club? Maybe, maybe not! Consider this fair warning as you check out what’s available in your area to see whether the vibe works for you.

如果你考虑探索换偶作为进入非单偶制的一步，值得注意的是，这种亚文化并不适合所有人。虽然构成更大换偶亚文化的无数小圈子情况各异，但总的来说，它对酷儿或跨性别者并不是最友好的地方，而且它对女性和男性都可能非常物化。一些俱乐部和活动要求人们提交照片，并且只批准具有特定外貌和体型的人成为会员。女性有时会被迫为了男性的挑逗而表演双性恋，而男性通常被积极劝阻探索自己的双性恋。俱乐部和活动的价格通常基于性别的二元概念，旨在阻止单身顺性别男性，但鼓励单身顺性别女性。此外，如果你习惯了基于“触摸前总是先询问”前提的知情同意文化方法，那么在换偶空间中可能成为常态的“先触摸再看反应”的方法（无论书面规则如何）可能会让你非常不舒服。这一切适用于你当地的换偶俱乐部吗？也许是，也许不是！在你查看你所在地区的可用资源以了解氛围是否适合你时，请将其视为公平的警告。

Queer and BDSM subcultures as starting points

酷儿和 BDSM 亚文化作为起点

Queer subcultures often have a lot of room for sexual exploration. Gay men have bathhouses, sex parties and hookup apps (at the time of this writing, Grindr is one popular one, but there are many others), as well as a long history of park cruising. (Marcus McCann’s book Park Cruising is a thoughtful and poetic exploration of the subculture and its politics—a real must-read.)² Queer women also have their own lineages, dating back to the nonmonogamous lesbian communes of the 1970s and various lesbian and bisexual historical figures, as well as present-day bathhouses, sex parties and apps. Major festivals like Pride are often opportunities for queers of all stripes to find all manner of encounters. And queer and trans conferences and campus groups are a whole thing too. Because of these baked-in elements of queer subcultures, a lot of queer people are exposed to ideas about—and opportunities for—nonmonogamy just by virtue of showing up in community settings.

酷儿亚文化通常有很大的性探索空间。男同性恋有浴室、性派对和约会软件（在撰写本文时，Grindr 是很流行的一个，但还有很多其他的），以及在公园巡游 (park cruising) 的悠久历史。（马库斯·麦肯 (Marcus McCann) 的书《公园巡游》(Park Cruising) 是对该亚文化及其政治的一次深思熟虑和诗意的探索——一本真正的必读之作。）² 酷儿女性也有她们自己的谱系，可以追溯到 20 世纪 70 年代的非单偶制女同性恋公社以及各种女同性恋和双性恋历史人物，以及现在的浴室、性派对和应用程序。像“骄傲节”(Pride) 这样的大型节日通常是各色酷儿寻找各种邂逅的机会。酷儿和跨性别会议及校园团体也是一回事。由于酷儿亚文化中这些固有的元素，许多酷儿仅仅因为出现在社区环境中，就会接触到关于非单偶制的想法和机会。

But just because this is true doesn’t mean all queers are nonmonogamous, or that it’s a simple and easy shift to nonmonogamy if you haven’t lived that way thus far. In fact, sometimes the ubiquity of nonmonogamy in queer circles can come with its own problems, such as shaming of monogamous people. Some monogamously oriented queer people bemoan the lack of like-minded people to date!

但这并不意味着所有酷儿都是非单偶制的，也不意味着如果你迄今为止没有那样生活，向非单偶制的转变就是简单容易的。事实上，有时非单偶制在酷儿圈子里的普遍存在也会带来自身的问题，比如对单偶制者的羞辱。一些倾向于单偶制的酷儿感叹缺乏志同道合的约会对象！

Similarly, you’ll encounter a ton of nonmonogamy within BDSM, kink and Leather circles and communities across all sexual orientations. These subcultures are highly focused on sexual exploration, so it makes sense that they’re also places where people tend to enjoy a variety of partners. We can’t do justice to the range of possible nonmonogamous configurations within BDSM-based and power-based relationships here. But it’s worth noting that BDSM makes space for some kinds of nonmonogamous relationships that are uncommon elsewhere, such as the idea of play partners (people who do BDSM play together, with or without sexual contact, but aren’t romantically involved), role-specific relationships (partnerships based on power roles that may not be sexual or romantic), Leather families (households of various configurations based around family-type structures translated through Leather roles) and many more.

同样，你会在跨越所有性取向的 BDSM、性癖和皮革族圈子及社区中遇到大量的非单偶制。这些亚文化高度关注性探索，因此它们也是人们倾向于享受各种伴侣的地方，这很有道理。我们在这里无法全面介绍基于 BDSM 和基于权力的关系中可能的非单偶制配置范围。但值得注意的是，BDSM 为某些在其他地方不常见的非单偶制关系腾出了空间，例如游戏伙伴（一起进行 BDSM 游戏的人，可能有也可能没有性接触，但没有恋爱关系）、特定角色关系（基于权力角色的伙伴关系，可能不是性的或浪漫的）、皮革族家庭（基于通过皮革族角色转化的家庭类型结构的各种配置的家庭）等等。

You might start out by coming into queer or kinky communities and, through them, discover nonmonogamy. Or you might seek out these communities as part of your explorations in nonmonogamy. Depending on your trajectory and your desires, as a couple, you may encounter a range of different challenges. This chapter addresses a lot of them already, but it’s worth noting that just because these communities expose you to nonmonogamy in ways that other social circles might not, that doesn’t mean you should expect yourself to get on board quickly and easily. For example, if you’re in an up-til-now-monogamous queer relationship, you might have the advantage of more cultural exposure to ideas around nonmonogamy as compared with the average heterosexual person, but that doesn’t mean you magically have more skills or emotional comfort with the idea! And if you’re a previously monogamous couple exploring kink, you might find yourself overwhelmed by how many people approach you for play, together or separately.

你可能通过进入酷儿或性癖社区开始，并通过它们发现非单偶制。或者你可能会在探索非单偶制的过程中寻找这些社区。取决于你的轨迹和你的愿望，作为一对伴侣，你可能会遇到一系列不同的挑战。本章已经解决了很多这样的问题，但值得注意的是，仅仅因为这些社区以其他社交圈可能没有的方式让你接触到非单偶制，并不意味着你应该期望自己能快速轻松地接受它。例如，如果你处于一段迄今为止是单偶制的酷儿关系中，与普通异性恋者相比，你可能拥有更多接触非单偶制观念的文化优势，但这并不意味着你会神奇地拥有更多技能或对这个想法感到情感上的舒适！如果你是一对以前是单偶制并在探索性癖的夫妇，你可能会发现自己被有多少人接近你们要求一起或单独游戏而不知所措。

Take your time. Don’t push yourself to be the coolest and most politically enlightened queer couple ever, defying societal norms at the Radical Sex Week workshop but having private meltdowns once you get home together. Don’t feel like you and your sweetheart have to play with others just because you showed up at a play party and five people approached you for co-topping scenes before you even had time to adjust each other’s cute new leather outfits. It’s okay to go at your own pace and figure out what you want, not just what the people around you all seem to be doing.

慢慢来。不要强迫自己成为史上最酷、政治上最开明的酷儿夫妇，在“激进性周”研讨会上反抗社会规范，但一回到家就私下崩溃。不要觉得你和你的甜心必须和别人玩，仅仅因为你们出现在一个游戏派对上，甚至在你们还没来得及调整彼此可爱的新皮衣之前，就有五个人接近你们要求共同支配场景。按照自己的节奏，弄清楚你想要什么，而不仅仅是周围人似乎都在做什么，这没关系。

Seek out support that makes room for all your identities as you undertake this transition—for example, you may want to make sure that your relationship therapist is not only knowledgeable about nonmonogamy, but also queer-and kink-friendly. Queer people, you may want to gear your nonmonogamy reading toward works by queer authors, of which there are many. Kinky folks might want to check out resources such as Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, or Raven Kaldera’s collection Power Circuits, which is about polyamory in D/s and M/s relationships (full disclosure: Andrea has an essay in there).³ You may also want to seek out (or start!) discussion groups, support circles, and other local or online resources specific to your situation.

在你进行这一转变时，寻求能包容你所有身份的支持——例如，你可能要确保你的关系治疗师不仅了解非单偶制，而且对酷儿和性癖友好。酷儿们，你可能想把你的非单偶制阅读转向酷儿作者的作品，这样的作品有很多。性癖人士可能想看看诸如李·哈林顿 (Lee Harrington) 和莫莱娜·威廉姆斯 (Mollena Williams) 的《与他人愉快玩耍》(Playing Well with Others)，或者雷文·卡尔德拉的文集《权力回路》(Power Circuits)，这是关于 D/s 和 M/s 关系中的多边恋的（全面披露：安德莉亚在里面有一篇文章）。³ 你也可能想寻找（或发起！）针对你具体情况的讨论小组、支持圈以及其他本地或在线资源。

Navigating the complexities of queer or kink identities, practices and community involvement on top of figuring out a shift into nonmonogamy is no small feat, and for the sake of your own well-being and the health of your relationship, it’s worth doing thoughtfully and with support.

在弄清楚向非单偶制转变的基础上，驾驭酷儿或性癖身份、实践和社区参与的复杂性绝非易事，为了你自己的福祉和你关系的健康，值得深思熟虑并在支持下进行。

Nonmonogamy after cheating

出轨后的非单偶制

Many people begin looking for a path to nonmonogamy after an episode of cheating. Some nonmonogamous folks have a history of cheating in monogamous relationships, often because monogamy felt stifling but they didn’t know that nonmonogamy was possible. When they find out about nonmonogamy, they set out to build nonmonogamous relationships. Other people cheat on a partner, then try to transition that relationship to nonmonogamy, perhaps after confessing or being caught. Making this journey is possible, but it’s a long and rough road, and the success rate is not high.

许多人在经历了一次出轨后开始寻找通往非单偶制的道路。一些非单偶制者有在单偶制关系中出轨的历史，这通常是因为单偶制让人感到窒息，但他们不知道非单偶制是可能的。当他们发现非单偶制时，便着手建立非单偶制关系。另一些人背叛伴侣，然后试图将那段关系转变为非单偶制，也许是在坦白或被抓之后。踏上这段旅程是可能的，但这是一条漫长而艰难的道路，成功率并不高。

Starting new relationships openly on a nonmonogamous footing is much easier than trying to rebuild a relationship damaged by cheating. That’s because cheating represents a profound betrayal of trust. It’s the trust, more than the sex, that creates a hard path to nonmonogamy. The cornerstones of nonmonogamy, as we’ve discussed, are consent and communication. Cheating undermines both, and it’s nearly impossible to rebuild a relationship until trust and communication are restored.

在非单偶制的基础上公开开始新关系，要比试图重建因出轨而受损的关系容易得多。这是因为出轨代表了对信任的深刻背叛。正是信任，而不仅仅是性，造成了通往非单偶制的艰难道路。正如我们所讨论的，非单偶制的基石是知情同意和沟通。出轨破坏了这两者，在信任和沟通恢复之前，几乎不可能重建关系。

There are many reasons why a person might cheat. Some people like the thrill of the forbidden, or the rush that comes with doing something they might be caught at. Some people cheat because they want to experience something new but don’t know how to ask for it, or they believe it’s not available to them. Some people want to experience multiple sex partners but don’t want their partner to do the same thing—which, as you can imagine, is especially problematic from a nonmonogamous perspective. Others just fall in love (or limerence) with someone new but don’t want to lose their partner or family, and they don’t know that any other option exists.

一个人可能会出轨有很多原因。有些人喜欢禁忌的快感，或者做一些可能会被抓到的事情带来的刺激。有些人出轨是因为他们想体验新事物但不知道如何要求，或者他们认为自己无法获得。有些人想体验多个性伴侣，但不希望他们的伴侣做同样的事情——正如你可以想象的那样，从非单偶制的角度来看，这尤其成问题。另一些人只是爱上了（或痴恋）新人，但不想失去伴侣或家庭，而且他们不知道还有其他选择。

The reasons a person chooses to cheat are important when looking for a path from cheating to honest nonmonogamy. And yes, it is a choice. Many folks who are caught cheating say “It was an accident!” as though they slipped on an icy sidewalk and fell into someone’s bed. Cheating might not be planned, but “unplanned” is not the same thing as “accidental.” Calling cheating an accident is a way of avoiding responsibility for making the decision.

当寻找从出轨通往诚实非单偶制的道路时，一个人选择出轨的原因很重要。是的，这是一个选择。许多被抓到出轨的人说“这是个意外！”，就好像他们在结冰的人行道上滑倒并掉进了某人的床上。出轨可能不是计划好的，但“未计划”并不等同于“意外”。称出轨为意外是一种逃避决策责任的方式。

Finding the path to nonmonogamy starts with acknowledging the affair—and, just as importantly, acknowledging that it was a choice, not an accident. It also requires assuming responsibility for the cheating. All too often, cheaters shift the blame: “If my partner were different, then I wouldn’t have needed to cheat.” The “different” might be “more sexually available” or “more adventurous” or “less reluctant to do what I want.” In reality, the affair is a choice made by the cheating partner, and that’s where the responsibility lies.

寻找通往非单偶制的道路始于承认婚外情——同样重要的是，承认这是一个选择，而不是意外。这也需要承担出轨的责任。出轨者往往会推卸责任：“如果我的伴侣不一样，我就不需要出轨了。”这里的“不一样”可能是“性方面更可得”、“更具冒险精神”或“不那么不愿意做我想做的事”。实际上，婚外情是出轨伴侣做出的选择，责任就在那里。

Rebuilding trust is hard. We talk on page 267 about how to repair after a broken agreement, but cheating tends to create such deep wounds that we advise talking to an experienced, nonmonogamy-friendly counsellor or therapist. Professional help will almost certainly be an important part of building the trust necessary for a healthy nonmonogamous relationship.

重建信任很难。我们在第 267 页讨论了如何在破坏协议后进行修复，但出轨往往会造成如此深的创伤，以至于我们建议与经验丰富、对非单偶制友好的咨询师或治疗师交谈。专业帮助几乎肯定会成为建立健康非单偶制关系所需信任的重要部分。

That trust will never be rebuilt unless you are willing to tell the truth about everything. Come 100 percent clean. No evasions, no holding back. The path from cheating to nonmonogamy isn’t easy, and an absolute commitment to honesty is the only thing that makes it possible. Honest, open transparency is a learned skill, and mastering it takes time and effort. A relationship might have all sorts of patterns that make honesty hard. Again, this is something a qualified counsellor or therapist can help with.

除非你愿意说出全部真相，否则那种信任永远无法重建。百分之百坦白。没有逃避，没有隐瞒。从出轨到非单偶制的道路并不容易，对诚实的绝对承诺是使其成为可能的唯一因素。诚实、开放的透明度是一种习得的技能，掌握它需要时间和努力。一段关系可能具有各种导致诚实变得困难的模式。同样，这是合格的咨询师或治疗师可以提供帮助的地方。

In this case, it’s also important to think about whether nonmonogamy is really what you want. Many people who try to move from cheating to nonmonogamy originally started their affairs because having an affair seemed less scary than talking openly with their partners. As often as not, the scary part about open nonmonogamy was the idea that their partner might also want another partner. In other words, they cheated because they wanted to have additional partners but didn’t want their partner to.

在这种情况下，思考非单偶制是否真的是你想要的也很重要。许多试图从出轨转向非单偶制的人最初开始婚外情是因为婚外情似乎比与伴侣公开交谈更不可怕。通常情况下，关于开放非单偶制的可怕之处在于他们的伴侣可能也想要另一个伴侣。换句话说，他们出轨是因为他们想要有额外的伴侣，但不希望他们的伴侣也有。

Sometimes, when caught in this situation, people are tempted to say, “We can start a polyfi triad with the person I was cheating with!” This can feel to the cheated-on partner like a solution that lets the cheater go on having the affair, sometimes with a “side helping” of watching their committed partner and their previously illicit partner getting it on with each other, but without the fear of having their committed partner explore other relationships. As you can guess, we view this fantasy very skeptically. For starters, a person who has already shown a willingness to cheat in a monogamous relationship may well cheat in a polyfi relationship. The same factors that led to the affair may still be present. Moreover, it’s difficult to sympathize with the notion that “we’ll be polyfidelitous so I can keep my illicit partner, but you can’t have one.”

有时，当陷入这种境地时，人们很容易说，“我们可以和我出轨的那个人开始一个多边忠贞的三人组！”这可能会让被出轨的伴侣感觉像是一个解决方案，让出轨者继续婚外情，有时还有“附带好处”，即看着他们的承诺伴侣和他们之前的非法伴侣搞在一起，但不用担心他们的承诺伴侣探索其他关系。正如你可以猜到的，我们非常怀疑地看待这种幻想。首先，一个已经在单偶制关系中表现出出轨意愿的人很可能在多边忠贞关系中也会出轨。导致婚外情的相同因素可能仍然存在。此外，很难同情这种观念：“我们将是多边忠贞的，这样我就可以保留我的非法伴侣，但你不能有。”

Finding the path from cheating to nonmonogamy requires everyone to actively buy in, and building fairness means not starting from the assumption that the cheated-upon person will never have other partners in the future, even if they can’t imagine wanting them now. If you’re trying to move from cheating to nonmonogamy, be prepared to question everything about your relationship. It’s also reasonable for the cheated-upon person to need time. Expecting someone who’s just been cheated on to embrace nonmonogamy immediately after learning of the infidelity is excessively optimistic. For a functional nonmonogamous relationship to arise overnight from the ashes of an affair is highly unlikely.

寻找从出轨到非单偶制的道路需要每个人都积极参与，建立公平意味着不要从被出轨者未来永远不会有其他伴侣的假设开始，即使他们现在无法想象自己想要。如果你试图从出轨转向非单偶制，准备好质疑你们关系的一切。被出轨者需要时间也是合理的。指望一个刚刚被出轨的人在得知不忠后立即拥抱非单偶制是过于乐观的。一段功能性的非单偶制关系一夜之间从婚外情的灰烬中产生是极不可能的。

Even when a relationship does move from cheating to nonmonogamy, you don’t always get to stay with the person you cheated with. First of all, often they won’t be okay with this. Even if they are, the person you cheated on may never be okay with you staying with someone who’s already shown a reckless disregard for their needs and boundaries. And when we say finding the path requires the active participation of everyone involved, that includes the third person. For the relationship to transition to nonmonogamy with the same cast of characters, that person is going to need to feel included, empowered and welcomed. Yes, welcomed. Like we said, it won’t be easy.

即使一段关系确实从出轨转向了非单偶制，你也并不总是能和你出轨的对象在一起。首先，他们通常不会同意这样做。即使他们同意，你背叛的人可能永远不会同意你和一个已经表现出鲁莽无视他们需求和界限的人在一起。当我们说寻找道路需要所有相关人员的积极参与时，这包括第三人。为了让关系以相同的角色阵容过渡到非单偶制，那个人需要感到被包容、被赋权和受欢迎。是的，受欢迎。就像我们说的，这并不容易。

In most cheating situations, couples counsellors recommend that a person caught in an affair cut off all contact with the third person. Obviously, if the goal is to create a working nonmonogamous relationship, that’s not going to be good advice. But you can’t have it both ways. Relationships tend to work when everyone feels empowered. A nonmonogamous relationship isn’t likely to succeed if the third person is simultaneously treated like a partner and a resented outsider. As uncomfortable as it may be, if you want to go forward with nonmonogamy that includes them, including them in counselling might be a good idea.

在大多数出轨情况下，夫妻咨询师建议被发现有外遇的人切断与第三者的所有联系。显然，如果目标是建立一段有效的非单偶制关系，那不会是一个好建议。但你不能两全其美。当每个人都感到被赋权时，关系往往会有效。如果第三人同时被当作伴侣和被怨恨的局外人对待，非单偶制关系就不太可能成功。尽管可能会很不舒服，如果你想继续包含他们的非单偶制，让他们参与咨询可能是一个好主意。

During this transition, it might help for each person to consider what they want the new relationship to look like, and then negotiate for that. After infidelity, you’re essentially creating an entirely new relationship. Being willing to start from first principles and build something that reflects the needs of everyone involved is going to be necessary.

在这个过渡期间，每个人考虑他们希望新关系是什么样子的，然后为此进行谈判可能会有所帮助。不忠之后，你本质上是在创造一段全新的关系。愿意从基本原则开始，建立反映所有相关人员需求的东西将是必要的。

Of course, not all cheating is the same. Different people have different ideas of where the “cheating” line is. To some, cybersex chat with strangers is cheating; to others it’s their partner’s harmless fun. The point is, there are levels of cheating and differences of opinion about it. Generally speaking, if you’re doing something you can’t tell your partner about, you’re probably cheating.

当然，并非所有的出轨都是一样的。不同的人对“出轨”的界线有不同的看法。对一些人来说，与陌生人进行网络性爱聊天是出轨；对另一些人来说，这只是伴侣无害的乐趣。重点是，出轨有不同程度，对此也有不同意见。一般来说，如果你在做一些你不能告诉伴侣的事情，你可能就是在出轨。

Because there are gradations of cheating, some violations are easier to recover from than others. For example, it will probably be easier to recover from an illicit kiss than from months or years of furtive sex in the back of your car. In any case, talking to your partner and coming clean will almost certainly be easier if you do it sooner rather than later.

因为出轨有等级之分，所以有些违规行为比其他更容易恢复。例如，从一个非法的吻中恢复可能比从几个月或几年在车后座偷偷摸摸的性行为中恢复要容易得多。无论如何，如果你早点而不是晚点与伴侣交谈并坦白，几乎肯定会更容易。

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

If you’re thinking about transitioning from a monogamous relationship into nonmonogamy, you’re not alone, but you’re in for some pretty big changes. Here are some questions that may be helpful:

如果你正在考虑从单偶制关系过渡到非单偶制，你并不孤单，但你将面临一些相当大的变化。以下是一些可能有帮助的问题：

• What assumptions do I have about what my relationships “should” look like? How are these assumptions influenced by the cultural narratives about monogamy, and how much are they truly mine?

• What parts of my relationships are most important? How can I preserve those elements while knowing that my relationships will change over time?

• What guarantees do I want from my relationships? Are they realistic?

• How much space do I have to devote to new relationships right now?

• As I seek new relationships, what assurances can I offer my new partners that I will make space for them, listen to their needs, and be able to change to accommodate these new relationships? Am I ready to maintain these commitments with integrity?

• Where does my sense of security come from in my relationships? What am I willing to do to help my partners feel secure?

• How do my explorations in nonmonogamy intersect with other things, such as experiences in swinging, BDSM or queer subcultures? Do I need any specific support to navigate these intersections?

• 我对我的关系“应该”是什么样子有什么假设？这些假设如何受到关于单偶制的文化叙事的影响，其中有多少真正属于我？

• 我关系中最重要的部分是什么？我如何在知道我的关系会随着时间而改变的同时保留这些元素？

• 我想从我的关系中得到什么保证？它们现实吗？

• 我现在有多少空间可以投入到新关系中？

• 当我寻求新关系时，我可以向我的新伴侣提供什么保证，表明我会为他们腾出空间，倾听他们的需求，并能够改变以适应这些新关系？我准备好以正直的态度维持这些承诺了吗？

• 我在关系中的安全感来自哪里？我愿意做些什么来帮助我的伴侣感到安全？

• 我在非单偶制方面的探索如何与其他事情交叉，例如在换偶、BDSM 或酷儿亚文化中的经历？我是否需要任何特定的支持来驾驭这些交叉点？

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Footnotes

1. life has taught us Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, translated by Lewis Galantière and Stuart Gilbert, Airman’s Odyssey (San Diego, CA: Harcourt, Brace & World: 1967), 195. ↩ ↩²

2. Marcus McCann’s book Marcus McCann, Park Cruising: What Happens When We Wander Off the Path (Toronto, ON: House of Anansi Press, 2023). ↩ ↩²

3. Kinky folks might want Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2012); Raven Kaldera, ed., Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic (Hubbardston, MA: Alfred Press, 2010). ↩ ↩²