19 多边关系网络中的生活 Life in the Polycule

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Loving all of you only strengthens my love for each of you.

CHARLIE JANE ANDERS¹

爱你们所有人只会增强我对你们每一个人的爱。

查莉·简·安德斯 (Charlie Jane Anders)¹

Once you’ve wound up in a nonmonogamous situation of some kind, you’ll find yourself in one of three positions: You may have multiple partners, you might be involved with someone else who has multiple partners, or both.

一旦你陷入某种非单偶制的情况，你会发现自己处于以下三种位置之一：你可能有多个伴侣，你可能与拥有多个伴侣的其他人有关系，或者两者兼而有之。

The common ground here is that regardless of what specific position you occupy in your configuration, you will be navigating a new kind of relationship category: the one between metamours. A metamour is a partner’s other partner. If you’re the pivot or hinge in a vee, your two partners are metamours to each other. If you’re involved with someone who already has partners, those partners are your metamours. And you get a bonus prize if you’re doing both at once! (It’s in the mail, we promise.)

这里的共同点是，无论你在配置中处于什么具体位置，你都将驾驭一种新型的关系类别：表侣 (metamours) 之间的关系。表侣是伴侣的其他伴侣。如果你是 V 型结构中的支点或枢纽，你的两个伴侣互为表侣。如果你与一个已经有伴侣的人有关系，那些伴侣就是你的表侣。如果你同时做这两件事，你会得到一份额外奖励！（我们保证，正在邮寄中。）

The entanglement spectrum

纠缠谱系 (The entanglement spectrum)

As you might expect, relationships between metamours are diverse, and you can never really know ahead of time how they’re going to turn out—they can evolve over time, from distant to close or the reverse. (Your metamour may even become your partner at some point!) But at any point in that journey, they tend to fall into a few broad categories: parallel, networked and kitchen table.

正如你所预料的那样，表侣之间的关系是多种多样的，你永远无法真正提前知道它们会变成什么样——它们可以随着时间的推移而演变，从疏远到亲密，反之亦然。（你的表侣甚至可能在某个时候成为你的伴侣！）但在那段旅程的任何一点，它们往往分为几个大类：平行、网络化和餐桌式。

Parallel relationships are treated as very separate. Metamours may know of each other, at least in general terms, but don’t have any particular relationship with each other beyond dating the same person, and may never meet unless there’s a specific reason to. It also means the polycule doesn’t tend to hang out as a group—or at least, that the specific people in the polycule who prefer a parallel style of relating may not be that keen on group polycule events. This does not mean that the metamours are required to be distant. One nice thing about nonmonogamy is it allows you to meet other cool people, and as we mentioned, relationships between metamours can shift over time. Of course, even in parallel relationships, it’s very helpful for everyone, when they do run into each other, to be friendly, even when they are not friends.

平行 (Parallel) 关系被视为非常独立的。表侣之间可能知道彼此，至少在大体上知道，但除了与同一个人约会之外，彼此没有任何特殊关系，除非有特定原因，否则可能永远不会见面。这也意味着多边关系网络倾向于不作为一个群体一起活动——或者至少，多边关系网络中偏爱平行关系风格的特定人群可能不太热衷于群体活动。这并不意味着表侣必须疏远。非单偶制的一个好处是它允许你结识其他很酷的人，正如我们提到的，表侣之间的关系可以随着时间的推移而改变。当然，即使在平行关系中，当大家确实偶遇时，保持友好也是非常有帮助的，即使他们不是朋友。

Networked relationships are those where metamours enjoy meeting one another and generally get along. Members of the network may plan group outings or events, or a person might invite some or all of their partners to social functions. The people who share a partner are often open to building friendships with one another if the fit is right. Some folks call this approach to metamours garden party or birthday party polyamory.

网络化 (Networked) 关系是指表侣之间喜欢见面并且通常相处融洽的关系。网络成员可能会计划集体郊游或活动，或者一个人可能会邀请部分或所有伴侣参加社交聚会。如果合适的话，共享伴侣的人通常愿意彼此建立友谊。有些人称这种处理表侣的方式为花园派对或生日派对多边恋。

Kitchen table polyamory is the term some people use for a network in which the people prefer to have close relationships, and may even consider each other chosen family (some people may even refer to their polycules as polyfamilies). The name invokes the idea of sitting down together at a family dinner. Kitchen table polycules can happen organically, when the people a person dates happen to quite like one another. Or they can be prescriptive, where there’s a stated expectation that dating one person means being part of the group—or in extreme cases, as we talked about earlier, even dating and having sex with that person’s other partners.

餐桌式 (Kitchen table) 多边恋是一些人用来指代这样一个网络的术语：在这个网络中，人们更喜欢拥有亲密关系，甚至可能将彼此视为选择的家庭（有些人甚至可能称他们的多边关系网络为多边家庭 [polyfamilies]）。这个名字让人联想到一家人围坐在餐桌旁共进晚餐。当一个人约会的人恰好彼此非常喜欢时，餐桌式多边关系网络可以有机地发生。或者它们也可以是规定性的，即明确期望与一个人约会就意味着成为该群体的一员——或者在极端情况下，正如我们之前讨论的那样，甚至要与那个人的其他伴侣约会和发生性关系。

In the prescriptive sense, the kitchen table ideal can seem like a way to short-circuit problems with jealousy, time division or fear of abandonment. Unfortunately, it’s hard to mandate that two people be close to one another just because they are intimate with the same person. Prescriptive kitchen table polycules tend to have coercion hiding in their closets, either because they make access to a critical intimate relationship reliant on having a specified relationship with others, or because they make access to the support network contingent on continuing an intimate relationship.

在规定性的意义上，餐桌式理想似乎是一种绕过嫉妒、时间分配或被遗弃恐惧问题的方法。不幸的是，仅仅因为两个人与同一个人亲密就强制他们彼此亲近是很难的。规定性的餐桌式多边关系网络往往在衣柜里藏着胁迫，要么是因为它们让获得关键亲密关系的机会依赖于与他人建立特定关系，要么是因为它们让获得支持网络的机会取决于继续一段亲密关系。

Kitchen table polyamory and polyfamily work much better when they happen organically, by inclination and affinity rather than obligation and expectation. And if you’re already part of a kitchen table polycule, bear in mind that the weight of expectation to join can be off-putting to anyone new. Slow your roll! Give everyone some breathing room and let their relationships evolve naturally. This is part of what it means when we say that the people in the relationship are more important than the relationship.

当餐桌式多边恋和多边家庭是有机发生时，即出于倾向和亲和力而不是义务和期望，效果会好得多。如果你已经是餐桌式多边关系网络的一员，请记住，加入的期望压力可能会让任何新人反感。放慢你的脚步！给每个人一些喘息的空间，让他们的关系自然发展。这就是我们所说的关系中的人比关系更重要的部分含义。

Writer Laura Boyle has a great, in-depth series covering the range of polycule styles, from DADT to kitchen table, on her blog Ready for Polyamory.²

作家劳拉·博伊尔 (Laura Boyle) 在她的博客 Ready for Polyamory 上有一个很棒的深度系列文章，涵盖了从 DADT 到餐桌式的各种多边关系网络风格。²

THREE PEOPLE EQUALS FOUR RELATIONSHIPS

三个人等于四段关系

Triads and vees can start in any number of ways. (Same with larger multi-person configurations centred on a hinge.) Sometimes several singles come together. Sometimes a couple takes up with a third for some steamy sex and they all realize they want more than just the Saturday-night kind of fun. Sometimes one member of a couple gets involved with someone, and the vee eventually morphs into three-way love. Sometimes a larger nonmonogamous formation is whittled down by breakups, and what’s left is three people who remain connected. Regardless of how a triad or vee forms, but especially if it’s not a spontaneous collision of three solo people, it’s important to keep in mind that each new person you add to the mix changes the terms of the entire equation.

三人组 (Triads) 和 V 型结构 (Vees) 可以以多种方式开始。（以枢纽为中心的更大型多人配置也是如此。）有时是几个单身人士走到一起。有时是一对夫妇与第三个人发生火热的性关系，然后他们都意识到他们想要的不只是周六晚上的那种乐趣。有时是夫妇中的一员与某人交往，V 型结构最终演变成三方之爱。有时是一个更大的非单偶制阵型因分手而缩减，剩下的是三个保持联系的人。无论三人组或 V 型结构如何形成，特别是如果它不是三个单身人士的自发碰撞，重要的是要记住，你加入组合的每一个新人都会改变整个等式的条件。

This is most relevant in the couple-plus-one version of triad or vee formation—a common path into the shape, but one that often creates the illusion that somehow the original couple remains unchanged and enduring but with an extra added bonus. But that’s rarely how things actually work. You haven’t just added a third person to a pair; you’ve created three new relationships on top of the one pair dynamic you already had. You’ve now got person A’s relationship with the new person, person B’s relationship with the new person, and the relationship that happens with the three of you all together. This is true even when the two points of a vee don’t (yet) have contact, because they almost inevitably occupy some space in one another’s minds by virtue of each showing up in the life of the person (hinge) with whom they’re involved.

这在“夫妇加一”版本的三人组或 V 型结构形成中最为相关——这是一种进入该形态的常见路径，但往往会造成一种错觉，即原有的夫妇在某种程度上保持不变和持久，只是多了一个额外的奖励。但这很少是事情实际运作的方式。你不仅是在一对伴侣中增加了第三个人；你是在你已有的一个双人动态之上创造了三段新关系。你现在有了 A 与新人的关系，B 与新人的关系，以及你们三个人在一起时发生的关系。即使 V 型结构的两个端点（还）没有接触，这也是真的，因为凭借着出现在与之有关的人（枢纽）的生活中，他们几乎不可避免地在彼此的脑海中占据一些空间。

This whole process can’t help but change the way person A and person B relate to each other. Relationships change you. That’s just what they do. So the original dyad, if there is one, should expect that and communicate about it accordingly.

这整个过程不禁会改变 A 和 B 彼此关联的方式。关系会改变你。这就是它们的作用。所以原来的二人组，如果有的话，应该预料到这一点并相应地进行沟通。

Zero-sum and inclusive relationships

零和与包容性关系

People new to nonmonogamy often fear that embarking on this road means giving up time: Every minute that your partner’s other partner gets is a minute that you don’t get, right? That is often true, but isn’t always—depending on how well you and your metamours get along. When you can spend time with your partner together with your metamours, every minute given to your metamours does not necessarily mean a minute taken away from you.

刚接触非单偶制的人经常担心走上这条路意味着放弃时间：你伴侣的其他伴侣得到的每一分钟都是你没得到的一分钟，对吧？这通常是真的，但并不总是如此——这取决于你和你的表侣相处得如何。当你能和你的表侣一起与你的伴侣共度时光时，给表侣的每一分钟并不一定意味着从你那里夺走一分钟。

Time management issues can be eased (though never completely solved), or can be exacerbated, depending on how comfortable you all are spending time together as a group and whether you can get some of the same things from group time as you can from dyad time. That is, how much time in your relationship needs to be one-on-one, and how much can be shared activities? Is your time a zero-sum affair, to be carved up among your different partners and other commitments, or are you able to experiment with a more inclusive approach, where parts of your relationships and time are shared?

时间管理问题可以得到缓解（虽然永远无法完全解决），也可能加剧，这取决于你们作为一个群体在一起度过时光的舒适程度，以及你们是否可以从群体时间中获得一些与二人时间相同的东西。也就是说，你们关系中有多少时间需要是一对一的，有多少可以是共享活动？你的时间是零和 (zero-sum) 事务，要在不同的伴侣和其他承诺之间瓜分，还是你能够尝试一种更包容 (inclusive) 的方法，共享部分关系和时间？

There is no right answer, though you often hear people forcefully arguing for one approach or another. Each approach has benefits and trade-offs, and some people are simply better suited for one than another. Watch out if you end up in relationships with people who are suited to different approaches—the styles often don’t mix well. And even in the closest of polycules, dyad time is important for building intimacy and giving each other focused attention (more on that shortly).

没有正确的答案，尽管你经常听到人们强力争论这种或那种方法。每种方法都有好处和权衡，有些人只是更适合其中一种。如果你最终与适合不同方法的人建立关系，要小心——这些风格通常不能很好地融合。即使在最亲密的多边关系网络中，二人时间对于建立亲密感和给予彼此专注的关注也是很重要的（稍后会详细介绍）。

If you assume that your relationships have to be inclusive, one of your partners may find themselves spending a lot of time in the presence of someone they don’t much care for, or simply aren’t drawn to become close with, in order to be with you. This is similar to how sometimes monogamous couples assume that every time one of them receives an invitation, it automatically includes their spouse. This mindset is notoriously hard on friends, family and others who treasure one-on-one time with their loved ones but don’t want to say “Can you ditch your partner for one night?” Sometimes, you just need to order pizza and really talk with a bestie, no spouses allowed!

如果你假设你的关系必须是包容性的，你的一个伴侣可能会发现自己为了和你在一起，不得不花很多时间和他们不太在乎或根本不想亲近的人在一起。这类似于有时单偶制夫妇假设每次其中一人收到邀请，自动也包括他们的配偶。这种心态对朋友、家人和其他珍视与亲人一对一时间但不想说“你能不能今晚甩掉你的伴侣？”的人来说是非常苛刻的。有时，你只需要点个披萨，和闺蜜好好聊聊，不带配偶！

Each person needs to be able to set boundaries without blame. As much as you may crave inclusive relationships, it’s not okay to force them. It’s also not okay to try to shame or threaten your partners into liking each other, even when you really really really want them to get along. If an important relationship is contingent on any other relationship, this can introduce a strain that is not just about getting along, but about feeling like something deep in you is being violated—a loss of consent. If your partners are to be free from coercion, then separate time, or even complete separation, needs to remain an option.

每个人都需要能够在不被指责的情况下设定界限。尽管你可能渴望包容性的关系，但强迫它们是不可以的。试图通过羞辱或威胁让你的伴侣彼此喜欢也是不可以的，即使你真的、真的、真的希望他们相处融洽。如果一段重要的关系取决于任何其他关系，这可能会引入一种压力，这种压力不仅仅是关于相处，而是关于感觉你内心深处的某种东西被侵犯了——一种同意的丧失。如果你的伴侣要免受胁迫，那么分开的时间，甚至完全分离，需要保留作为一种选项。

Of course, there are consequences of such zero-sum relationships. Intimacy will be affected, and you may have to grieve for what is lost when those boundaries are set. Those losses may even include one or more of your relationships. This can be truly heartbreaking. But don’t blame. It needs to be okay, in every moment, for your partners to set boundaries—with you, and with each other.

当然，这种零和关系是有后果的。亲密感会受到影响，你可能不得不为设定这些界限时失去的东西而悲伤。这些损失甚至可能包括你的一段或多段关系。这可能真的令人心碎。但不要责怪。在任何时刻，你的伴侣与你以及彼此设定界限都必须是可以的。

At the other end of the spectrum, metamours may end up on the higher end of the connection scale with one another: a vee that begins to develop a lot of closeness, a full triad, or similar kinds of entwinement. Especially if you started out with a couple-plus-one situation, or any other situation in which two members of a polycule know each other better or have been in each other’s lives longer than the new member, it’s a good idea to bear in mind the discrepancies in relationship history between each dyad and make communication choices accordingly. So, for example, it’s not wrong to reminisce about that awesome vacation the original couple had three years ago, but if you’re going to do that, you might want to bring out the photos and make an evening of showing them to the newer person in a way that creates connection rather than making them feel excluded. While you’re at it, let that be a good way to start the conversation about the fabulous trips you’d like to take all together, if applicable. Likewise, use your existing in-jokes and habits as pathways into new intimacies with a new person, rather than turning them into shorthand for territoriality over a shared past. This isn’t about denying or downplaying history; it’s about making sure that history is not used for the purposes of exclusion or one-upmanship, especially since that can happen unintentionally.

在谱系的另一端，表侣之间可能会在连接尺度上处于较高的一端：一个开始发展出许多亲密感的 V 型结构、一个完整的三人组，或类似的纠缠关系。特别是如果你们是从“夫妇加一”的情况开始的，或者是任何多边关系网络中两名成员比新成员彼此更了解或在彼此生活中时间更长的情况，牢记每个二人组之间关系历史的差异并据此做出沟通选择是个好主意。所以，例如，回忆原夫妇三年前那个很棒的假期并没有错，但如果你要这样做，你可能想拿出照片，花一个晚上展示给新人看，以一种建立连接而不是让他们感到被排斥的方式。既然你在做这件事，如果适用的话，让这成为开始谈论你们想一起去的美妙旅行的好方法。同样，利用你们现有的内部笑话和习惯作为通往与新人新亲密的途径，而不是把它们变成对共同过去领地意识的简写。这并不是要否认或淡化历史；这是为了确保历史不被用于排斥或胜人一筹的目的，特别是因为这可能会无意中发生。

Benefits and challenges of metamours

表侣的好处与挑战

In the best of circumstances, metamours enhance partners’ lives, helping them learn and grow in ways they might otherwise not. They provide an extra source of support and strength for your partners, and sometimes for you. They can help negotiate solutions to problems you may not have found an answer for on your own. And they can even end up being people you love very much—up to and including long past the end of the hinge relationship that brought you together in the first place. Your relationships with them can also be complex, painful and fraught in unique ways. The possibilities are pretty much endless, and mononormative society has no words for these relationships. The good news—and the bad news—is that you and your metamours get to make them up entirely by yourselves.

在最好的情况下，表侣能提升伴侣的生活，帮助他们以其他方式可能无法实现的方式学习和成长。他们为你伴侣提供额外的支持和力量来源，有时也为你提供。他们可以帮助协商解决你自己可能找不到答案的问题。他们甚至可能最终成为你非常爱的人——甚至在最初让你们走到一起的枢纽关系结束很久之后。你与他们的关系也可能以独特的方式变得复杂、痛苦和充满忧虑。可能性几乎是无穷无尽的，单偶常态社会没有词汇来形容这些关系。好消息——也是坏消息——是你和你的表侣可以完全自己创造它们。

Another of nonmonogamy’s invented words is compersion. This refers to the happy feeling many people experience in seeing their partners take joy from another relationship. Some people use the word frubbly to describe this feeling (as a noun: frubble). Different people experience compersion differently: For some it’s just a warm glow, while for others, it can be almost as euphoric as being in love. And some people don’t experience it at all. It’s normal to experience compersion, and it’s awesome if you do, but it’s also normal never to experience it. Not experiencing it doesn’t mean you’re deficient, or that you can’t still benefit from having metamours in your life.

非单偶制的另一个发明词汇是共喜 (compersion)。这指的是许多人在看到伴侣从另一段关系中获得快乐时所体验到的幸福感。有些人用 frubbly 这个词来形容这种感觉（名词形式：frubble）。不同的人对共喜的体验不同：对一些人来说，它只是温暖的光芒，而对另一些人来说，它几乎和恋爱一样令人欣快。有些人根本体验不到它。体验共喜是正常的，如果你体验到了那很棒，但从未体验过也是正常的。不体验它并不意味着你有缺陷，也不意味着你不能从生活中有表侣中受益。

That said, sometimes people just don’t like each other. Columnist Dan Savage has said that all relationships have a “price of admission.” The perfect partner doesn’t exist. Everyone has some quirk, habit or trait that becomes annoying once you get involved with them. It might be something as simple as leaving dirty socks on the coffee table. Whatever it is, there’s always an annoyance or three that you need to be able to get over if you want to be with someone for long.

话虽如此，有时人们就是不喜欢彼此。专栏作家丹·萨维奇 (Dan Savage) 说过，所有关系都有“入场费”。完美的伴侣是不存在的。每个人都有一些怪癖、习惯或特征，一旦你和他们交往就会变得恼人。这可能就像把脏袜子留在咖啡桌上一样简单。不管是什么，如果你想和某人长久在一起，总有一两个烦恼你需要克服。

In the nonmonogamous world, sometimes a person’s other partner might be that price of admission. Occasionally, someone you love very much will love someone else very much whom you love not much at all. The best guidelines we can offer are to behave, to the best of your ability, like a reasonable adult when you’re around people you don’t particularly like; to understand that these people add value to the lives of those you care about; and to seek to be supportive and compassionate toward those your partners love, even if it is not reciprocated.

在非单偶制世界中，有时一个人的其他伴侣可能就是那个入场费。偶尔，你非常爱的人会非常爱另一个你根本不爱的人。我们能提供的最佳指导方针是，当你和你并不特别喜欢的人在一起时，尽你所能表现得像个理智的成年人；理解这些人为你关心的人的生活增加了价值；并寻求对你伴侣所爱的人给予支持和同情，即使这没有得到回报。

Nonmonogamous people can sometimes act as though metamour relationships are free. That is, you invest in relationships with your partners, but don’t often think of the investment required to maintain relationships with their partners. In fact, these relationships can require considerable effort to build and maintain, especially for people who have very busy lives or tend to be introverted. An expectation of close relationships, or even family ties, among your metamours is essentially an expectation that someone will be willing to invest significant time and emotional energy in other people just to be with you.

非单偶制者有时会表现得好像表侣关系是免费的。也就是说，你在与伴侣的关系中投入，但通常不考虑维持与他们伴侣的关系所需的投入。事实上，这些关系可能需要大量的努力来建立和维持，特别是对于那些生活非常忙碌或倾向于内向的人来说。期望你的表侣之间有亲密关系，甚至家庭纽带，本质上是期望有人愿意仅仅为了和你在一起而在其他人身上投入大量的时间和情感精力。

WHEN METAMOURS MEET

当表侣见面时

Unless you’re very strictly parallel, sooner or later metamours will likely meet. When is largely a matter of personal preference. Some people, especially those who prefer kitchen table–style nonmonogamy, like their partners to meet potential new partners right away, before any relationship begins to grow—and many people, likewise, want to meet the established partners of someone they’re considering becoming involved with. Others—often people with a more parallel style—prefer to wait until a relationship is taking root, when they’re fairly certain that a new person is going to be important in their or a partner’s life, before expending the time and energy to meet other partners—particularly if the polycule is large or far-flung. There’s no single optimal strategy for when or how (or even if you should) meet your partners’ other partners (or their partners, or …). Ask a dozen nonmonogamous folks their approach to meeting metamours, and you’ll likely get two dozen answers.

除非你非常严格地保持平行，否则表侣迟早可能会见面。何时见面在很大程度上是个人偏好问题。有些人，特别是那些喜欢餐桌式非单偶制的人，喜欢让他们的伴侣立即见到潜在的新伴侣，在任何关系开始发展之前——同样，许多人也想见见他们正在考虑交往的人的既定伴侣。另一些人——通常是那些风格更平行的人——更喜欢等到一段关系扎根，当他们相当确定一个新人将在他们或伴侣的生活中变得重要时，再花时间和精力去见其他伴侣——特别是如果多边关系网络很大或分布很广。关于何时或如何（甚至是否应该）见你伴侣的其他伴侣（或他们的伴侣，或……），没有单一的最佳策略。问一打非单偶制者他们见表侣的方法，你可能会得到两打答案。

If you’re the hinge, you have a few things to consider. First, you can’t (and shouldn’t) stop your partners from meeting, even if you don’t feel ready. Trying to dissuade your partners from having contact raises an instant red flag among many nonmonogamous people that something dishonest may be going on, even if it isn’t, and lays the groundwork for mistrust. If your partners want to meet, ask for whatever support or setup you need, but if at all possible, don’t get in the way. Introducing a new partner to an established partner, or to the rest of your network, is also a meaningful ritual for some. It shows that you value your new partner and consider them important. So it’s good etiquette for the hinge to take the initiative and ask the others if they would like to meet. If one of your partners expresses an interest first in meeting the other, be the one to make it happen—whether that means connecting them to each other so they can meet up one-on-one, or organizing a group activity if that’s their preference—and make it clear that the meeting matters to you, too. How you introduce a new partner to your network can make all the difference in how welcome they feel.

如果你是枢纽，你需要考虑几件事。首先，你不能（也不应该）阻止你的伴侣见面，即使你觉得还没准备好。试图劝阻伴侣接触会在许多非单偶制者心中立即升起危险信号，认为可能正在发生不诚实的事情，即使事实并非如此，这也会为不信任埋下伏笔。如果你的伴侣想见面，请求你需要的任何支持或安排，但如果可能的话，不要阻碍。把新伴侣介绍给既定伴侣，或者介绍给你的网络中的其他人，对某些人来说也是一种有意义的仪式。这表明你重视你的新伴侣并认为他们很重要。所以枢纽主动询问其他人是否想见面是很好的礼节。如果你的一个伴侣先表示有兴趣见另一个，那就做那个促成此事的人——无论是把他们联系起来让他们一对一见面，还是如果这是他们的偏好就组织一次集体活动——并明确表示这次见面通过对你也很重要。你如何向你的网络介绍新伴侣会对他们感到多受欢迎产生重大影响。

If the first meeting is in a group, be mindful of power dynamics, especially if one relationship is much more established than the other. If you share a home with one partner, will it feel nice to the new partner to be invited for dinner—or will it feel awkward and overwhelming for them to meet your established partner for the first time in the space you share together, and isolating if they have to leave afterward, while you and your established partner stay home? If you’re meeting somewhere else, will one dyad be arriving together or leaving together, and how might that feel for everyone involved? How might each of the metamours feel about seeing the hinge be affectionate with the other? Some people don’t care about any of these things—and some care a lot. Take the time to find out. Depending on each person’s comfort zone, some of these things can be addressed with careful logistical planning, but some might point to the wisdom of the two metamours getting to know each other one-on-one first and letting those emotions settle a bit before trying out a group dynamic.

如果第一次见面是在群体中，要注意权力动态，特别是如果一段关系比另一段更稳固。如果你和一个伴侣同居，邀请新伴侣共进晚餐会让他们感觉好吗——还是在你们共同分享的空间里第一次见到你的既定伴侣会让他们感到尴尬和不知所措，如果他们之后不得不离开，而你和你的既定伴侣留在家里，会不会感到孤立？如果你们在其他地方见面，一对伴侣会一起到达或一起离开吗，这对每个相关人员会有什么感觉？每位表侣看到枢纽对另一方表示亲昵会有什么感觉？有些人不在乎这些事情——有些人非常在乎。花点时间去弄清楚。根据每个人的舒适区，其中一些问题可以通过仔细的后勤规划来解决，但有些可能表明，让两位表侣先一对一地了解彼此，并在尝试群体动态之前让那些情绪稍微沉淀一下是明智的。

If a new situation is long-distance and you share a home with a partner, check in with them about whether it’s okay for a first meeting to be combined with a romantic tryst at the shared home. Maybe it’d be better to book a hotel for the visit so that nobody has to overhear anyone else having sex in the next room. Some people would be fine with that right away, others might get there once everyone’s gotten comfortable with each other and built some trust, and for still others, it might never be okay. Having a new long-distance metamour stay somewhere else could also create more low-pressure one-on-one opportunities for the metamours—but for some people, it could feel excluding. Talk about it!

如果新情况是异地恋，而你和一个伴侣合住，和他们确认一下第一次见面是否可以与在合住的家中进行浪漫幽会结合在一起。也许为这次访问预订酒店会更好，这样就没人需要在隔壁房间无意中听到别人做爱了。有些人可能马上就觉得没问题，另一些人可能在大家都互相熟悉并建立了一些信任后才能接受，还有些人可能永远都无法接受。让新的异地表侣住在别处也可以为表侣创造更多低压力的见面机会——但对某些人来说，这可能会让人感到排斥。谈谈这个！

While a group meeting may sound nice, and may work out fine for some people, sometimes a relaxed coffee between metamours—no hinges allowed—can be the best way to start off on the right foot. And yes, hinges, that means your partners will be meeting without you—and probably talking about you, too! If your partners are going to have a relationship, this is something you’ll have to get used to. Hopefully you trust everyone to act in good faith (and if you don’t, use your discernment to try to figure out why). But be careful about trying to manage the relationships among your partners. You have enough on your hands already, and after all, they’re grown-ups and can take care of themselves. And remember, their relationship is very much not about you, nor does it exist for you. There may end up being benefits for you, sure, but try to leave room for them to create the relationship that works for them, too, without expectation or judgment.

虽然集体见面听起来不错，对某些人来说也可能很顺利，但有时表侣之间轻松地喝杯咖啡——不允许枢纽参加——可能是最好的开始方式。是的，枢纽们，这意味着你的伴侣们将在没有你的情况下见面——而且可能会谈论你！如果你的伴侣们要建立关系，这是你必须习惯的事情。希望你信任每个人都会真诚行事（如果你不信任，运用你的辨别力试着弄清楚为什么）。但要小心不要试图管理你伴侣之间的关系。你手头的事情已经够多了，毕竟，他们是成年人，能照顾好自己。记住，他们的关系在很大程度上与你无关，也不是为你而存在的。当然，这最终可能会给你带来好处，但试着给他们留出空间，让他们也能在没有期望或评判的情况下创造适合他们的关系。

If you’re an established partner, you may feel a particular kind of trepidation or insecurity about meeting the shiny new person that your partner is into. But remember, you hold a lot of power. You’re likely to be more intimidating to that new partner than they are to you. While you see NRE and the excitement of budding intimacy, they see a shared history that is not accessible to them. A new relationship is a time of intense vulnerability for you and the new metamour. Treat that vulnerability with kindness and compassion.

如果你是既定伴侣，在见到你伴侣喜欢的那个光鲜亮丽的新人时，你可能会感到一种特别的惶恐或不安全感。但请记住，你拥有很大的权力。你对那个新伴侣的威慑力可能比他们对你的威慑力更大。当你看到 NRE 和萌芽亲密关系的兴奋时，他们看到的是一段他们无法触及的共同历史。新关系对你和新表侣来说都是极其脆弱的时期。请以善意和同情对待这种脆弱。

If you’re a new partner, you may feel your own kind of worry and insecurity about meeting the person your partner has already committed to and invested in. You may want to make a good impression, fear being judged or just not know what to expect. Think about your wants and needs, and talk about them with your partner. They can’t guarantee a good first meeting, but they can certainly help put into place the conditions for success based on what they already know about each of you!

如果你是新伴侣，在见到你伴侣已经承诺并投入的人时，你可能会有自己的那种担忧和不安全感。你可能想留下好印象，害怕被评判，或者只是不知道会发生什么。思考你的愿望和需求，并与你的伴侣谈谈。他们不能保证一次好的初次见面，但他们肯定可以根据他们已经对你们每个人的了解，帮助创造成功的条件！

Expectation management is key to helping a relationship with a metamour get off to a strong start. Don’t expect that because you’re both into the same person, the two of you will feel some kind of instant bond. Don’t expect immediate intimacy, don’t expect to just “get” each other right away, and don’t expect instant “family.” Your shared partner likes you both, but is that because of your similarities, your differences or both? Will your differences and similarities make you click, or cause you to feel alien to each other? A first meeting may be weird or awkward. Your shared partner may be able to help ease the discomfort, or maybe you and your metamour will bond by making gentle jokes at your shared partner’s expense (“Do they always forget to compliment your new haircut, too?”). Either way, do your best to be open and friendly, while paying attention to your metamour’s cues. You can’t predict how things will go, but you can offer your best efforts. In practical terms, this means seeing your partner’s other partner as a person, not a projection of your own fears and hopes. The best approach is the same you might take with a friend of a friend: be open and welcoming, look for shared interests, ask questions. Take the time to get to know them, but without being pushy or intrusive. Make a warm and welcoming space for them, but don’t try to force them into it.

期望管理是帮助与表侣的关系有一个良好开端的关键。不要因为你们都喜欢同一个人，就期望你们俩会感到某种瞬间的联系。不要期望立即的亲密，不要期望马上就能“懂”对方，不要期望瞬间成为“家人”。你们共同的伴侣喜欢你们俩，但那是因为你们的相似之处、不同之处还是两者兼而有之？你们的差异和相似之处会让你们一见如故，还是会让你们彼此感到陌生？初次见面可能会很怪异或尴尬。你们共同的伴侣或许能帮助缓解不适，或者你和你的表侣会通过拿你们共同的伴侣开些无伤大雅的玩笑来建立联系（“他们是不是也总是忘记夸你的新发型？”）。无论哪种方式，尽你所能保持开放和友好，同时注意你表侣的暗示。你无法预测事情会如何发展，但你可以付出最大的努力。实际上，这意味着把你伴侣的其他伴侣看作一个人，而不是你自己恐惧和希望的投射。最好的方法就像你对待朋友的朋友一样：开放和欢迎，寻找共同兴趣，提问。花时间去了解他们，但不要咄咄逼人或侵扰。为他们创造一个温暖和欢迎的空间，但不要试图强迫他们进入。

Hinge life: When you have multiple partners

枢纽生活：当你有多个伴侣时

When you have more than one partner, at some point you may face the unique joys and challenges that come with being the person in the middle, between two partners. Pivot used to be the more common term for this role, but the word hinge is more widely used now, so that’s mostly what we’re using here—although we do switch between them a bit in this book.

当你有不止一个伴侣时，在某个时候你可能会面临作为夹在两个伴侣中间的人所带来的独特快乐和挑战。支点 (Pivot) 曾经是这个角色更常用的术语，但枢纽 (hinge) 现在使用得更广泛，所以这主要是我们在这里使用的词——尽管我们在本书中确实会在这两者之间切换。

There are two main varieties of hinge existence. You may be the person in the middle of two partners who are also partners with one another—a full triad (in which case each one of you is a hinge!). Or you might be the midpoint of a vee, and if that’s the case, your partners can range from being (or becoming) good friends to being total strangers, or even—though hopefully not—antagonistic. You may also shift between these two forms: a triad in which one dyad breaks up but the other two remain together turns into a vee, and a vee in which the two points end up partnering with each other turns into a triad. If you’re in a vee, the relationship between the metamours may shift over time depending on how open everyone is to becoming closer, and whether there’s any natural chemistry and compatibility to work with. Your strategies will of course need to be different according to your situation, so as with anything, when it comes to the thoughts we’re sharing here, your mileage may vary!

枢纽的存在主要有两种形式。你可能是夹在两个互为伴侣的人中间的人——一个完整的三人组（在这种情况下，你们每个人都是枢纽！）。或者你可能是 V 型结构的中点，如果是这种情况，你的伴侣可能从好朋友（或成为好朋友）到完全陌生，甚至是——尽管希望不是——敌对。你也可能在这两种形式之间转换：一个二人组分手但另外两对仍在一起的三人组变成了 V 型结构，而 V 型结构的两个端点最终结成伴侣变成了三人组。如果你处于 V 型结构中，表侣之间的关系可能会随着时间的推移而改变，这取决于每个人对变得更亲密的开放程度，以及是否有任何自然的化学反应和兼容性可以利用。你的策略当然需要根据你的情况而有所不同，所以就像任何事情一样，对于我们在这里分享的想法，你的实际情况可能会有所不同！

Triads and vees are in some ways the simplest form of nonmonogamy, but of course you can extrapolate from them to any other configuration that involves one person in the middle: one person with three partners, one person who’s part of a triad and also has another partner, and so on. Of course, all of these groups can be part of larger polycules, but for this discussion, we’re simplifying to talk about the immediate neighbourhood of the hinge.

三人组和 V 型结构在某些方面是非单偶制最简单的形式，但当然你可以将它们外推到任何其他涉及中间一个人的配置：一个人有三个伴侣，一个人是三人组的一部分同时还有另一个伴侣，等等。当然，所有这些群体都可以是更大的多边关系网络的一部分，但为了便于讨论，我们简化为只讨论枢纽的直接邻域。

In some ways, in being a hinge, you’re living the nonmonogamous dream: You get all the benefits of partnership, times two! And you might be having fantastic threesome sex on top of it all! Entire porn genres have been built around the life you are now living. Amazing, right?

在某种程度上，作为枢纽，你正过着非单偶制的梦想生活：你得到了伴侣关系的所有好处，乘以二！而且除此之外，你可能还有美妙的三人性爱！整个色情流派都是围绕着你现在的生活建立的。太棒了，对吧？

Yes! Actually, yes, it is amazing. We’re not gonna shoot that down. But while cultural fantasies about threesomes (and moresomes) abound, as with any fantasy, living it out in reality also comes with a hefty dose of, well, reality. The French expression ménage à trois is often used in English to refer to threesome sex, but the word ménage actually means household (or housekeeping). Indeed, maintaining an actual three-person household or even simply doing the everyday “housekeeping” of maintaining a three-person connection involves lots more than hot sex. Also, of course, not every three-person configuration involves group sex! None of this is necessarily negative, but it is worth talking about what the reality can look like: the unique difficulties that can come up, ways to do preventative maintenance, and so on.

是的！实际上，是的，这很棒。我们不会否认这一点。但是，虽然关于三人行（及多人行）的文化幻想比比皆是，但就像任何幻想一样，在现实中通过它也伴随着大量的，嗯，现实。法语表达 ménage à trois 常在英语中用来指三人性爱，但 ménage 这个词实际上意味着家庭（或家务）。的确，维持一个实际的三人家庭，甚至仅仅是进行维持三人联系的日常“家务”，涉及的远不止火热的性爱。而且，当然，并非所有的三人配置都涉及群交！这些都不一定是负面的，但值得谈谈现实可能是什么样子的：可能出现的独特困难，进行预防性维护的方法，等等。

The waters here can be turbulent. Your partners may have contradictory needs, or want the same thing from you at the same time, or end up in conflict with each other. You may find it difficult, when this happens, not to feel pulled in two directions. Even when your partners are involved with each other in an intimate relationship of their own, there will be times when you’re stuck in the middle. Maybe they’ll both want your attention, but in different ways or for different reasons. Maybe each has different plans for the day and wants you to participate. This will happen, sure as night follows day. It helps to be prepared.

这里的水流可能很湍急。你的伴侣可能有相互矛盾的需求，或者同时想从你这里得到同样的东西，或者最终彼此发生冲突。当这种情况发生时，你可能会发现很难不感到被拉向两个方向。即使你的伴侣彼此之间也有亲密关系，也会有你被夹在中间的时候。也许他们都想要你的关注，但方式或原因不同。也许每个人对这一天都有不同的计划并希望你参与。这肯定会发生，就像黑夜紧随白天一样。做好准备会有所帮助。

Of course, this situation isn’t unique to nonmonogamy, as anyone with more than one child can tell you. When you’re asked to care for, support and cherish two (or more) people who have different ideas and needs, life can be a balancing act. The difference in nonmonogamy is that you’re not the boss. You’re dealing with self-determining adults, which means “Because I said so!” is not a workable fallback argument. (It’s not ideal with kids, either, but that’s a different book.) You’ll be asked to make decisions that are responsible and that follow your ethical principles while respecting the autonomy of each of your partners.

当然，这种情况并不是非单偶制独有的，任何有一个以上孩子的人都可以告诉你。当你被要求照顾、支持和珍惜两个（或更多）有不同想法和需求的人时，生活可能是一种平衡行为。非单偶制的区别在于你不是老板。你在和自主决定的成年人打交道，这意味着“因为我这么说了！”不是一个可行的退路论点。（这对孩子也不理想，但那是另一本书的内容。）你将被要求做出负责任的决定，并遵循你的伦理原则，同时尊重你每个伴侣的自主权。

WHO OWNS YOUR CHOICES?

谁拥有你的选择？

People talk so much about communication and negotiation in nonmonogamy that it can be easy to forget that the hinge actually holds a great deal of responsibility for making decisions. And make them you must. Negotiation is important, but it’s also important not to lose sight of the purpose of a negotiation, which is ultimately to make a choice. A choice that upholds your commitments and honours the needs of everyone affected, but a choice nonetheless. Gather data, certainly. Discuss, negotiate, listen and empathize. But then make a decision.

人们在非单偶制中谈论沟通和谈判如此之多，以至于很容易忘记枢纽实际上对做决定负有很大责任。而且你必须做出决定。谈判很重要，但同样重要的是不要忽视谈判的目的，也就是最终做出选择。一个坚持你的承诺并尊重每个受影响者需求的选择，但这仍然是一个选择。当然要收集数据。讨论、谈判、倾听和共情。但然后做出决定。

Nearly everyone who’s been a hinge has probably done this at least once: running back and forth between your partners, trying to please everyone but rarely making a choice (or worse, making decisions that only last until you see your other partner). It’s an easy pattern to fall into. But if it becomes chronic, it will wear you and your partners down and damage trust among all of you.

几乎每个做过枢纽的人可能都至少做过一次这种事：在你的伴侣之间来回奔波，试图取悦每个人但很少做出选择（或者更糟糕的是，做出的决定只能持续到你见到另一个伴侣为止）。这很容易陷入这种模式。但如果它变成慢性的，它会让你和你的伴侣精疲力竭，并损害你们所有人之间的信任。

Shifting responsibility for your choices onto your other partners is cowardly. If your partners buy into this—and many will, because they trust you—you will be able to deflect their unhappiness onto each other instead of you. However, this ploy serves you poorly in the long term, for a couple of reasons. One, taking responsibility for your choices is a sign of integrity, which helps build trust. Shifting that responsibility will, over time, undermine not just your partners’ trust in each other, but their trust in you. Two, even if your partners never become close, it’s in your interest for them to trust each other and feel safe communicating with one another. Deflecting tensions from their relationship with you onto whatever friction they may have with each other can easily create much more confusion and conflict over the long term.

将你的选择责任推给你的其他伴侣是懦弱的。如果你的伴侣接受了这一点——许多人会，因为他们信任你——你就能够将他们的不快乐转移到彼此身上，而不是你身上。然而，从长远来看，这种策略对你不利，原因有二。第一，为你的选择承担责任是正直的标志，这有助于建立信任。推卸这种责任会随着时间的推移不仅破坏你的伴侣对彼此的信任，还会破坏他们对你的信任。第二，即使你的伴侣从未变得亲密，让他们互相信任并感到彼此沟通是安全的也符合你的利益。将与你关系的紧张转移到他们彼此之间可能存在的任何摩擦上，很容易在长期内造成更多的混乱和冲突。

Your choices are always yours, regardless of whether they make you or your partners happy or unhappy. Own up to them. If you use phrases such as “Blake won’t let me,” or “Rowan made me,” or even “The rules say I have to,” you are shifting responsibility. There are certainly more subtle ways of doing this, too, such as hinting to one partner about dire consequences if you displease another partner, or complaining to the first partner about how difficult it is to bring things up with the second—which also invites them to step into a role of rescuer. Overt or covert, the effect is the same. And make sure to refer back to the section on triangulation on pages 131–133.

你的选择永远是你的，无论它们是让你或你的伴侣快乐还是不快乐。承认它们。如果你使用诸如“布莱克不让我”、“罗文逼我”甚至“规则说我必须”之类的短语，你就是在推卸责任。当然还有更微妙的方法，例如向一个伴侣暗示如果你让另一个伴侣不高兴会有可怕的后果，或者向第一个伴侣抱怨向第二个伴侣提出事情有多困难——这也邀请他们介入拯救者的角色。无论是公开的还是隐蔽的，效果都是一样的。务必参考第 131-133 页关于三角化的部分。

WHO OWNS YOUR TIME?

谁拥有你的时间？

One of the assumptions that many people learn from mononormative culture is that in a long-term relationship, especially when you live with a partner, your partner’s time becomes “yours” by default. So when they choose to do something social that’s independent of you, it can feel like they’re taking away something that rightfully belongs to you.

许多人从单偶常态文化中学到的假设之一是，在长期关系中，特别是当你与伴侣同居时，你伴侣的时间默认变成了“你的”。所以当他们选择做一些独立于你的社交活动时，感觉就像他们在拿走理应属于你的东西。

An intimate relationship, even one designated “primary,” does not confer ownership of another person’s time. When someone gives time to their partners, it is just that—a gift. While promises can certainly be made, and should be honoured, gifts of time in the absence of promises do not constitute entitlements for similar gifts in the future. People can (and should) express their needs and wants, and a skilled hinge will take these into account when choosing how to schedule their time.

亲密关系，即使是被指定为“主要”的关系，也不会赋予对他人时间的所有权。当有人给伴侣时间时，那就是——一份礼物。虽然当然可以做出承诺，并且应该遵守，但在没有承诺的情况下的时间礼物并不构成对未来类似礼物的权利。人们可以（并且应该）表达他们的需求和愿望，一个熟练的枢纽会在选择如何安排时间时考虑到这些。

Such an approach can benefit you and your partners in a few ways. First, if you start from the premise that you are an autonomous adult responsible for your own allocation of time, your partners will be less likely to see you as a commodity to be fought over. Second, if you start from the assumption that your time is yours until it’s shared with someone, this reduces (but doesn’t eliminate) the possibility that one partner will see time shared with another as a personal loss.

这种方法可以在几个方面让你和你的伴侣受益。首先，如果你从你是一个对自己时间分配负责的自主成年人这一前提开始，你的伴侣就不太可能把你视为需要争夺的商品。其次，如果你从你的时间在与某人分享之前是属于你的这一假设开始，这减少了（但不能消除）一个伴侣将与另一个伴侣分享的时间视为个人损失的可能性。

That said, over time you will probably develop patterns and expectations in a relationship—remember the R, rituals and routines, in HEARTS (page 112)—and it is normal and okay for someone to come to rely on them, as well as on a certain (established and negotiated) level of access. It’s also understandable for them to be hurt and confused if those patterns and level of access dramatically change without warning. It’s impossible to build a secure relationship (if that’s what you’re going for) if there is no baseline someone can rely on, or if a partner’s availability shifts with the wind. Past patterns can be renegotiated, of course, but—especially depending on the attachment styles of the people involved—it’s often kindest to introduce changes gently and with warning, and to allow space for other people to have their feelings about them. At the same time, it’s not inherently a betrayal to ask for change in a pattern of relating, and while it’s okay for others to feel and express things like surprise, hurt and loss, it’s not okay for them to shame or punish you for exercising your agency. As with so many things, it’s a balancing act.

话虽如此，随着时间的推移，你可能会在关系中发展出模式和期望——还记得 HEARTS 中的 R，仪式和惯例（第 112 页）吗——某人开始依赖它们以及某种（已建立和协商的）接触水平是正常和可以的。如果这些模式和接触水平在没有警告的情况下发生巨大变化，他们感到受伤和困惑也是可以理解的。如果没有人可以依赖的基准，或者伴侣的可用性随风而变，就不可能建立安全的关系（如果那是你想要的话）。当然，过去的模式可以重新协商，但是——特别是取决于相关人员的依恋风格——最友善的做法通常是温和地并在有警告的情况下引入变化，并给其他人留出空间来表达对此的感受。同时，要求改变关系模式本质上并不是背叛，虽然其他人感到并表达惊讶、伤害和失落是可以的，但他们因为你行使代理权而羞辱或惩罚你是不可以的。就像许多事情一样，这是一个平衡行为。

INVEST IN EVERY DYAD

投资于每一个二人组 (INVEST IN EVERY DYAD)

Each dyad within a triad or vee (or larger group) needs care. If you’re in a full triad, care means that you don’t get so wrapped up in your triad that you forget to spend quality time nurturing the relationships you have with each individual person. Triads can be intoxicating: Classic NRE is often exponentially multiplied, and that multiplication can last way past what you might traditionally expect. (Someone should study this, chemically speaking.) If you’re in a triad and can’t remember the last time you had a one-on-one date, chances are you’re coasting on the triad energy but neglecting two dyads.

三人组或 V 型结构（或更大的群体）中的每一个二人组都需要关怀。如果你在一个完整的三人组中，关怀意味着你不会太沉迷于你的三人组，以至于忘记花高质量的时间来滋养你与每个人的关系。三人组可能是令人陶醉的：经典的 NRE 通常成倍增加，这种倍增可能会持续很长时间，超过你传统的预期。（从化学角度来说，应该有人研究一下这个。）如果你在一个三人组中，不记得上次一对一约会是什么时候，很有可能你是在靠三人组的能量滑行，但却忽视了两个二人组。

It’s important to make sure that each dyad is actually communicating. Don’t assume that if you mention something to one person, it gets magically conveyed to the third. Even if that happens and works well at first, it means you’re placing a double burden of communication on one person, a strategy that is bound to occasionally fail (hey, communicating well in just one relationship is challenging enough!), and it means you’re essentially relegating the third person to the last spot on the priority chain of information-sharing. Even if you end up repeating yourself on occasion, better to err in that direction than make someone feel like they’re always finding things out after the first two, or like you couldn’t be bothered to tell them something directly.

确保每个二人组实际上都在沟通很重要。不要假设如果你跟一个人提到了某事，它就会神奇地传达给第三个人。即使这发生了并且一开始很有效，这也意味着你把双重沟通负担放在了一个人身上，这种策略注定偶尔会失败（嘿，仅仅在一段关系中良好沟通就已经够有挑战性了！），而且这意味着你基本上把第三个人降级到了信息共享优先级链的末尾。即使你偶尔会重复自己，最好也偏向那个方向，而不是让人觉得他们总是排在前两个人之后才知道事情，或者觉得你懒得直接告诉他们。

Create strategies that work for you. If you’re in a vee with partners who are not strongly connected to one another, come up with ways to make sure that you convey important information to each person. For example, when some people tell one partner, “I’m on a business trip for the last two weeks of January,” they mentally check the “told partner” box … and forget to tell the other partner as well. This can result in both hurt feelings and logistical snags!

制定适合你的策略。如果你处于一个 V 型结构中，伴侣之间联系不紧密，想办法确保你向每个人传达重要信息。例如，当有些人告诉一个伴侣，“我一月份最后两周出差”时，他们在心里勾选了“已告知伴侣”的框……却忘了告诉另一个伴侣。这可能会导致受伤的感情和后勤方面的障碍！

And don’t forget about yourself in the process. As a hinge, with all this relationship-nurturing time, it’s all the more essential to keep your wits about you and remember that sometimes you need some solitude, too. Spending time on your own, whether that means alone or with friends or colleagues who are not your partners, is an opportunity to breathe, integrate, let everything settle and remember who you are when you’re not in the company of one or more partners. Do the “you” things you’ve always done, just do them with a bigger grin on your face.

在这个过程中别忘了你自己。作为枢纽，有了所有这些关系培养时间，保持清醒并记住有时你也需要独处就显得尤为重要。花时间独处，无论是独自一人还是与不是你伴侣的朋友或同事在一起，都是一个呼吸、整合、让一切沉淀并记住当你没有一个或多个伴侣陪伴时你是谁的机会。做你一直做的“你”的事情，只是做的时候脸上带着更大的笑容。

Respecting boundaries

尊重界限

Boundaries are important no matter what position you hold in your nonmonogamous configuration. You’ll likely encounter three major categories: boundaries for you as a metamour, boundaries for you as a hinge, and boundaries when you’re in a larger network and conflict arises that doesn’t directly involve you.

无论你在非单偶制配置中处于什么位置，界限都很重要。你可能会遇到三大类：作为表侣的你的界限，作为枢纽的你的界限，以及当你在更大的网络中且发生不直接涉及你的冲突时的界限。

BOUNDARIES FOR METAMOURS

表侣的界限 (BOUNDARIES FOR METAMOURS)

If you’re in the metamour role, part of treating a partner’s other partner as a person rather than as a blank slate for your own fears means respecting some basic boundaries. Intimate relationships provide ample opportunity for you to be invasive and intrusive. We encourage you not to take advantage of these opportunities. Here is a list of some things that will likely be seen as intrusive:

如果你处于表侣角色，把伴侣的其他伴侣当人看而不是当作你恐惧的空白板，部分意味着尊重一些基本界限。亲密关系为你提供了大量侵入和打扰的机会。我们鼓励你不要利用这些机会。以下列出了一些可能会被视为侵入性的事情：

Spying on your partner or their interactions with your metamours, such as reading their email, logging into their social media accounts, reading their text messages or listening to their phone calls.
Eavesdropping on other aspects of your partner’s other relationships, for example by checking up on your partner’s whereabouts or monitoring their activities.
Calling, texting or otherwise interrupting whenever your partner is on a date. Emergencies happen, and many people like to prearrange checkins so they know their partners are safe. But beyond that, a habit of constant contact with a partner who’s with someone else can quickly become intrusive.
Oversharing or asking inappropriately intimate questions of a metamour. Appropriate is a relative term, and different people have different boundaries around their personal lives. Still, it’s good form to pay attention and back off if you’re starting to make your metamour uncomfortable. Don’t expect a metamour’s emotional intimacy with your hinge to automatically transfer to you.
Copying a metamour in any way that’s not invited or consensual, such as adopting their style of dress, makeup or fragrances, giving similar gifts, or doing similar activities with a partner (if you’re doing it because that’s what your metamour did, not because that’s something you too enjoy and have always done).
Turning up uninvited to places you know your partner will be with your metamour.
Expecting to be included in all their activities, especially intimate ones.
Disclosing intimate details of your relationship with your hinge without establishing whether that’s welcome.
监视你的伴侣或他们与你表侣的互动，例如阅读他们的电子邮件、登录他们的社交媒体账户、阅读他们的短信或监听他们的电话。
偷听你伴侣其他关系的其他方面，例如通过检查你伴侣的行踪或监控他们的活动。
每当你的伴侣在约会时打电话、发短信或以其他方式打断。紧急情况会发生，许多人喜欢预先安排确认以知道他们的伴侣是安全的。但除此之外，习惯性地与和别人在一起的伴侣保持持续联系很快就会变得具有侵入性。
过度分享或向表侣询问不恰当的隐私问题。恰当是一个相对的术语，不同的人对个人生活有不同的界限。不过，如果你开始让你的表侣感到不舒服，注意并退后是很好的做法。不要指望表侣与你的枢纽的情感亲密会自动转移给你。
以任何未经邀请或同意的方式模仿表侣，例如采用他们的着装风格、化妆或香水，赠送类似的礼物，或与伴侣进行类似的活动（如果你这样做是因为你的表侣做了，而不是因为那也是你喜欢并一直做的事情）。
未经邀请出现在你知道你伴侣会和你的表侣在一起的地方。
期望被包括在他们所有的活动中，特别是亲密活动。
在未确立是否受欢迎的情况下披露你与枢纽关系的亲密细节。

You can’t control how your partners’ other relationships develop, but you can control how you allow them to intersect with and affect your life. You are allowed to set boundaries on your personal space and time, too. If a metamour is pushing on these boundaries, you may be in a tough position. Depending on the situation and the degree of closeness you have with your metamour, you may be able to deal with them directly without even involving your hinge; you may need to have a three-way conversation with your hinge in the room; or you may need to have a private conversation with just your hinge. The array of possibilities is endless, so we can’t advise on every situation, but it’s wise to ask yourself not “What would be easiest for me here?” but rather, “What course of action is most likely to produce a successful outcome?” For that, of course, you need to define what “success” means for you. In all cases, avoid triangulation as much as possible—the more direct you can be, the better. And always return to your values and your ethical system.

你无法控制你伴侣的其他关系如何发展，但你可以控制你允许它们如何与你的生活交叉并影响你的生活。你也允许对你的个人空间和时间设定界限。如果表侣正在挤压这些界限，你可能处于艰难的境地。根据情况以及你与表侣的亲密程度，你也许可以直接与他们处理，甚至不需要你的枢纽介入；你可能需要在枢纽在场的情况下进行三方对话；或者你可能只需要与你的枢纽进行私人对话。可能性的排列是无穷无尽的，所以我们无法对每种情况提出建议，但明智的做法是问自己，不是“在这里对我来说什么最容易？”而是“什么行动方案最有可能产生成功的结果？”为此，当然，你需要定义“成功”对你意味着什么。在所有情况下，尽可能避免三角化——你能越直接越好。并且始终回归你的价值观和伦理体系。

BOUNDARIES FOR THE HINGE

枢纽的界限 (BOUNDARIES FOR THE HINGE)

If you’re a hinge, successfully navigating your role requires good boundaries too. When your partners have competing needs or desires, if you don’t have good boundaries you can become a prize to be fought over, rather than an autonomous person with decision-making capability and needs of your own. This can happen even when everyone is acting in good faith.

如果你是枢纽，成功驾驭你的角色也需要良好的界限。当你的伴侣有相互竞争的需求或欲望时，如果你没有良好的界限，你可能会成为争夺的战利品，而不是一个具有决策能力和自己需求的自主的人。即使每个人都出于善意行事，这也可能发生。

When faced with tension between your partners, the first thing to do is to ask yourself, “Does it involve me directly?” If not, don’t assume it’s your job to fix the situation, but do understand that you may have a role to play. Check in and see what that role should be! In some cases, metamours can sort things out on their own. In other cases, you really need to be part of the discussion.

当面对应对伴侣之间的紧张关系时，首先要做的是问自己，“这直接涉及我吗？”如果不涉及，不要假设解决情况是你的工作，但要明白你可能有一个角色要扮演。确认一下那个角色应该是什么！在某些情况下，表侣可以自己解决问题。在其他情况下，你真的需要参与讨论。

An important question is, what do you want? When people you love have different ideas or opinions, the question of what you want can easily get lost in the struggle to please others. Moreover, if you’re focused on trying to please your partners rather than taking responsibility for your choices, it becomes easy for your partners to focus on each other as the reason you’re not doing what each of them wants. Advocating for what you want when you’re being pulled in different directions is a powerful tool to help resolve conflict, contrary to what you might imagine.

一个重要的问题是，你想要什么？当你爱的人有不同的想法或意见时，你想要什么的问题很容易在取悦他人的斗争中迷失。此外，如果你专注于试图取悦你的伴侣而不是为你的选择承担责任，你的伴侣很容易将彼此视为你不做他们每个人想要做的事情的原因。当你被拉向不同方向时，为你想要的东西辩护是帮助解决冲突的有力工具，这与你想象的相反。

Boundaries around communication are another important part of balancing your role as a hinge. We already talked on page 342 about using triangulation to avoid taking responsibility for your choices, but there’s another way you can invite triangulation as a hinge. If your partners are in conflict, it’s easy to slip into the role of trying to play the mediator, or of “translating” them to each other, especially when they’re not both in the room. This is dangerous ground, because you’re not allowing them to speak for themselves, and as someone with skin in the game too, you’re likely to try to steer them toward an outcome that’s best for you, but not necessarily for them. Attempting to mediate can end up estranging them from each other and eroding their trust in you. Their conflicts are theirs to solve—though you’re certainly within your rights to sit them both down together and explain how their conflict is affecting you, and ask for some boundaries around that.

围绕沟通的界限是平衡你作为枢纽角色的另一个重要部分。我们在第 342 页已经讨论过利用三角化来避免为你的选择承担责任，但这还有另一种作为枢纽你可能招致三角化的方式。如果你的伴侣发生冲突，很容易滑入试图扮演调解人的角色，或者向彼此“翻译”他们，特别是当他们不都在场时。这是危险的领域，因为你不允许他们为自己说话，而且作为一个利益相关者，你很可能会试图引导他们走向对你最好但不一定对他们最好的结果。试图调解可能会导致他们彼此疏远并侵蚀他们对你的信任。他们的冲突是他们自己要解决的——尽管你当然有权让他们坐在一起，解释他们的冲突如何影响你，并要求围绕这一点设定一些界限。

Part of setting good boundaries as the hinge is to speak only for yourself, not for your partners, as much as possible. In a vee with more distant metamours, you may need to do some of this translation work, but keep a close eye on it so you don’t end up preventing a possible connection from forming when you could have enabled one.

作为枢纽设定良好界限的一部分是尽可能只代表你自己说话，而不是代表你的伴侣。在表侣关系较疏远的 V 型结构中，你可能需要做一些翻译工作，但要密切关注，以免你最终阻止了本可以促成的潜在联系的形成。

BOUNDARIES DURING CONFLICT

冲突期间的界限 (BOUNDARIES DURING CONFLICT)

If you’re nonmonogamous long enough, at some point you may have two or more metamours through one hinge who aren’t getting along. This will likely cause pain to the hinge. When that happens, it can be very hard not to want to intervene or take sides.

如果你非单偶制的时间足够长，在某个时候你可能会遇到通过一个枢纽连接的两个或更多表侣相处不融洽的情况。这很可能会给枢纽带来痛苦。当这种情况发生时，很难不想干预或偏袒一方。

When people you care about are embroiled in conflict, it’s tempting to try to mediate. Maybe you think you can offer some special insight, or that you have enough distance to help everyone see everyone else’s point of view. If you have rock-solid relationships with everyone involved, and if you are a skilled negotiator—and able to keep your own emotions in check—you may decide to wade into those waters to try to bring peace to your polycule, and you might actually do some good.

当你关心的人卷入冲突时，试图调解是很诱人的。也许你认为你可以提供一些特殊的见解，或者你有足够的距离来帮助每个人看到其他人的观点。如果你与所有相关人员都有着坚如磐石的关系，并且如果你是一个熟练的谈判者——并且能够控制自己的情绪——你可能会决定涉足这趟浑水，试图给你的多边关系网络带来和平，你可能真的会做些好事。

However, maybe you’re not an objective mediator; maybe you think someone is right and someone else is wrong. In truth, maybe one person is indeed being unreasonable, even obstinate or manipulative. Maybe your hinge can’t see this. Should you share your observations with your hinge, or try to make the unreasonable metamour see the light, or stand by the wronged metamour—taking sides?

然而，也许你不是一个客观的调解人；也许你认为某人是对的，某人是错的。事实上，也许一个人确实不讲理，甚至顽固或具有操纵性。也许你的枢纽看不到这一点。你应该与你的枢纽分享你的观察，还是试图让不讲理的表侣明白道理，或者站在受委屈的表侣一边——选边站？

We won’t say no, but we will say you should tread very carefully here. Taking sides in a conflict between your metamours—or between a metamour and a partner—can amplify rather than attenuate the problem. Your investment in the situation raises the stakes (which may already feel or be quite high), and the metamour you’re opposing is likely to become even more entrenched and defensive, lowering the possibilities for a successful resolution. It’s also possible that someone is engaging in triangulation, trying to create a “drama triangle” in which they are the victim, you are the rescuer and the third party is the villain. If you are going to be involved at all, it’s useful to think about how you can act as an attenuator.

我们不会说不，但我们要说你应该在这里非常小心。在表侣之间的冲突——或者表侣与伴侣之间的冲突——中选边站可能会放大而不是减弱问题。你对局势的投入提高了赌注（这可能已经感觉或确实很高），而你反对的表侣可能会变得更加根深蒂固和防御性，降低了成功解决的可能性。也有可能有人正在进行三角化，试图制造一个“戏剧三角”，在其中他们是受害者，你是拯救者，第三方是恶棍。如果你一定要卷入其中，思考如何充当衰减器是有用的。

When part of your network is embroiled in a conflict that doesn’t directly involve you, probably the most useful thing you can do is listen. We discussed active listening in chapter 7; it’s useful here. Offer empathy, without analyzing, fixing or blaming. Many people remain embroiled in conflicts because they desperately need to feel heard. You can help by hearing them. There’s also a gotcha here, though. If you’re helping your metamours (or partners) by actively listening to them, you may be tempted to start carrying messages between them. After all, they’re not hearing each other, right? Maybe they just need some translation help? No! Resist the temptation! If you begin playing messenger, you are likely to increase the distance between them rather than decrease it. If they start to rely on you as their interlocutor, it will become harder and harder for them to communicate with each other.

当你的网络的一部分卷入不直接涉及你的冲突时，你能做的最有用的事情可能就是倾听。我们在第 7 章讨论了积极倾听；它在这里很有用。提供同理心，而不去分析、修复或责备。许多人之所以陷入冲突，是因为他们迫切需要感到被倾听。你可以通过倾听他们来提供帮助。不过这里也有一个陷阱。如果你通过积极倾听来帮助你的表侣（或伴侣），你可能会受到诱惑开始在他们之间传递信息。毕竟，他们听不进对方的话，对吧？也许他们只是需要一些翻译帮助？不！抵制这种诱惑！如果你开始扮演信使，你很可能会增加他们之间的距离而不是减少。如果他们开始依赖你作为对话者，他们彼此沟通将变得越来越困难。

What you can do is encourage them to speak directly to one another. If one of them asks for insight about what the other is thinking or feeling, resist the urge to answer, and instead suggest they ask the other person directly. If their conflict is going to be resolved, they, not you, will resolve it.

你可以做的是鼓励他们直接与对方交谈。如果其中一人询问关于另一人在想什么或感觉什么的见解，抵制回答的冲动，而是建议他们直接问那个人。如果他们的冲突要得到解决，将是他们，而不是你，来解决它。

Time management

时间管理

Time management can be one of the toughest parts of having multiple relationships—for some folks, it’s harder than issues like jealousy and insecurity. It also doesn’t come naturally to many people.

时间管理可能是拥有多段关系中最棘手的部分之一——对一些人来说，它比嫉妒和不安全感等问题更难。这也并非许多人与生俱来的。

As with many other nonmonogamy skills, effective time management really comes down to communication. Good communication about time includes being clear about what time commitments you are available for, how much time you need in each relationship (including how much needs to be dyad time, as opposed to group time), how much you need for yourself, and what time commitments you already have. It also includes being very clear about what you are committing to and with whom—which can be harder than it sounds.

与许多其他非单偶制技能一样，有效的时间管理实际上归结为沟通。关于时间的良好沟通包括清楚你有哪些时间可以承诺，你在每段关系中需要多少时间（包括多少需要是二人时间，而不是群体时间），你需要多少时间给自己，以及你已经有了哪些时间承诺。它还包括非常清楚你正在向谁承诺什么——这可能比听起来要难。

Figuring out all the specifics of when you’re going to be where and with whom can be a real puzzle. But it can help to see it not as an onerous chore but as a chance to demonstrate care, consideration and creativity. A wise person once taught Andrea the concept that “logistics is love.” If you can see every scheduling conversation as a reaffirmation of your relationship, an occasion for co-creation and a way to make sure each person gets to enjoy quality time with their partners, it can make the operation feel less burdensome. If your polycule leans toward the kitchen table variety, you may even want to make an event out of it: Sit down as a group once per season, let’s say, with good snacks and whatever scheduling tools work best for you. Online calendars are convenient, but for some folks, it’s all about the cute stickers, highlighters and planner pages! Sketch out the regular commitments that show up routinely every week (classes, child care, date nights) and then address the exceptional stuff (trips, special events, medical appointments, big work deadlines). You might find unexpected synergies—turns out that time-sensitive errand one partner is struggling to squeeze in is right next to another partner’s monthly book club meeting! You might also find conflicts that require some care to sort out, but it’s certainly better to know well ahead of time whenever possible instead of scrambling to fix it in the moment with frazzled people and hurt feelings.

弄清楚你要在什么时候在哪里和谁在一起的所有细节可能是一个真正的难题。但如果不把它看作是一件繁重的苦差事，而是看作展示关怀、体贴和创造力的机会，会有所帮助。一位智者曾经教给安德莉亚“后勤即是爱”的概念。如果你能把每一次日程安排对话看作是对关系的重申、共创的机会以及确保每个人都能与伴侣享受高质量时间的方式，这会让操作感觉不那么累赘。如果你的多边关系网络倾向于餐桌式，你甚至可以把它变成一个活动：比如说，每季大家坐下来一次，带着好吃的零食和任何最适合你们的日程安排工具。在线日历很方便，但对有些人来说，可爱的贴纸、荧光笔和计划页才是王道！勾勒出每周例行出现的常规承诺（课程、托儿、约会之夜），然后处理特殊事项（旅行、特别活动、医疗预约、重要的工作截止日期）。你可能会发现意想不到的协同效应——原来一个伴侣正努力挤出时间去办的紧急差事就在另一个伴侣每月的读书俱乐部聚会旁边！你也可能会发现需要小心处理的冲突，但尽可能提前知道肯定比在当下手忙脚乱地解决、让人心烦意乱、感情受损要好得多。

Many nonmonogamous people set up regular date nights with specific partners. For people who are into scheduling, this is a good tool to help let everyone know what to expect—though, as with everything else, you need to be somewhat flexible. Life isn’t always tidy, and should a conflict come up, or a partner become ill or injured, it’s reasonable to be able to rearrange the schedule without causing undue grief. As with anything, use judgment: If a long-distance partner comes into town for a week every six months, it’s reasonable to expect date night to get rescheduled. Be aware, too, that schedules may need to change permanently to accommodate a new relationship.

许多非单偶制者与特定伴侣设立定期的约会之夜。对于喜欢日程安排的人来说，这是一个让每个人都知道会有什么安排的好工具——尽管就像其他事情一样，你需要有些灵活性。生活并不总是井井有条的，如果发生冲突，或者伴侣生病或受伤，能够重新安排日程而不造成过度的悲伤是合理的。就像任何事情一样，运用判断力：如果一个异地伴侣每六个月来城里一周，期望约会之夜改期是合理的。也要意识到，为了适应新关系，日程安排可能需要永久改变。

Regular date nights are a great way to help nurture any relationship, even live-in ones. They create a setting where the people involved can get back in touch with the intimate part of the relationship, free of distractions like chores, housework and kids. Sometimes nonmonogamy makes this easier; when you have more than two people involved, it becomes easier to trade off one person taking care of the little things that always need taking care of while two others spend time alone together. As long as the same opportunities are available to everyone, and everyone treats one another compassionately and without resentment, scheduled, focused time with each partner helps all the relationships thrive. (It’s important, of course, that this not become a “service secondary” issue, as discussed in chapter 11.) You can also get creative here: Perhaps once a month on a rotating basis, one partner plans a surprise date for the other two, or two partners are in charge of making the third person’s birthday celebration happen.

定期的约会之夜是帮助滋养任何关系（即使是同居关系）的好方法。它们创造了一种环境，让相关人员可以重新接触关系的亲密部分，不受杂务、家务和孩子等干扰。有时非单偶制使这变得更容易；当有超过两个人参与时，更容易权衡让一个人照顾那些总是需要照顾的小事，而另外两个人独处。只要每个人都有同样的机会，并且每个人都以同情和无怨恨的态度对待彼此，与每个伴侣安排好的、专注的时间有助于所有关系茁壮成长。（当然，重要的是这不要变成第 11 章讨论的“服务型次要伴侣”问题。）你也可以在这里发挥创造力：也许每月轮流一次，一个伴侣为另外两个计划一次惊喜约会，或者两个伴侣负责为第三个人举办生日庆祝活动。

Google Calendar has become tremendously popular among nonmonogamous people for time management. It’s so popular because, unlike a paper day planner or similar tools, it’s also a communication tool: Calendars can be shared among multiple people, with different levels of access, and several people’s calendars can be viewed simultaneously. You can pull up six or seven calendars at once to look for opportunities for dates, shared time and so on.

Google 日历在非单偶制人群中变得非常流行，用于时间管理。它之所以如此流行，是因为与纸质日程表或类似工具不同，它也是一种沟通工具：日历可以在多人之间共享，具有不同的访问级别，并且可以同时查看几个人的日历。你可以一次拉出六七个日历来寻找约会、共享时间等机会。

Google Calendar is so powerful that it requires careful negotiation before you start to use it. Failure to set explicit expectations about the purpose and use of the calendar can lead to serious misunderstandings and hurt feelings. What are your boundaries about what you are willing to share, and how you want your partners to interact with your calendar? Do you want them to see only free or busy times, have read-only access or have editing access? You can schedule private events, which can only be viewed by those with owner-level permissions on your calendar—so even if someone has read or edit access, you can keep some of your life private. When scheduling shared events, do you prefer to have the event added directly to your calendar, or sent to you as an invitation that you can accept or decline?

Google 日历功能非常强大，因此在开始使用之前需要仔细协商。未能就日历的目的和使用设定明确的期望可能会导致严重的误解和受伤的感情。关于你愿意分享什么，以及你希望你的伴侣如何与你的日历互动，你的界限是什么？你希望他们只看到空闲或忙碌的时间，拥有只读访问权限还是编辑访问权限？你可以安排私人事件，这些事件只能由拥有你日历所有者级别权限的人查看——所以即使有人拥有读取或编辑权限，你也可以保留部分生活的私密性。在安排共享活动时，你更喜欢将活动直接添加到你的日历中，还是作为邀请发送给你以便你可以接受或拒绝？

Shared calendars can also pose a couple of special problems in nonmonogamy. If a person doesn’t feel their needs are being met, but sees on their partner’s calendar the time they are spending with other partners (or doing other things), this can trigger jealousy. Some people also find it easy to slip into feeling that a partner’s unscheduled time should be theirs—it can be easy to forget that time for oneself is just as (or more) important, and is not a snub.

共享日历在非单偶制中也可能带来一些特殊问题。如果一个人觉得自己的需求没有得到满足，但在伴侣的日历上看到了他们与其他伴侣共度（或做其他事情）的时间，这可能会引发嫉妒。有些人也发现很容易陷入一种感觉，即伴侣的未安排时间应该是他们的——很容易忘记给自己留时间同样（或更）重要，这并不是冷落。

Different people have very different boundaries around sharing calendars and assumptions about what sharing means. For some it’s a deeply intimate exchange, while for others it’s just a logistical convenience. Folks who practise parallel or solo poly, especially, may be inclined not to share their calendars at all, negotiating dates case-by-case as they would with friends or business associates. Discussing these expectations and boundaries can help avoid misunderstandings and heartache. And you’re definitely not required to share with anyone.

不同的人在共享日历以及关于共享意味着什么的假设方面有非常不同的界限。对一些人来说，这是一种深刻的亲密交流，而对另一些人来说，这只是后勤上的便利。特别是实行平行或独身多边恋的人，可能倾向于根本不分享他们的日历，像与朋友或商业伙伴那样逐个协商约会。讨论这些期望和界限有助于避免误解和心痛。而且你绝对不需要与任何人分享。

TYRANNY OF THE CALENDAR

日历的暴政 (TYRANNY OF THE CALENDAR)

Some nonmonogamous people treat their calendars like games of Tetris, seeing how much they can pack into a day, week or month. They’re scheduled to the hilt. Among nonmonogamous people, you’ll often hear complaints like these:

“I feel like I have to make an appointment to be with my husband.”
“I wish I could be more spontaneous.”
“Sometimes I just really feel like I need to be with Quin, but I have to keep my date with Ari.”
“I’m exhausted. I don’t have any time for myself.”

一些非单偶制者把他们的日历当作俄罗斯方块游戏，看他们能在一天、一周或一个月里塞进多少东西。他们的日程排得满满当当。在非单偶制人群中，你经常会听到这样的抱怨：

“我觉得我得预约才能和我丈夫在一起。”
“我希望我可以更自发一点。”
“有时我真的觉得我需要和奎因 (Quin) 在一起，但我必须遵守和阿里 (Ari) 的约会。”
“我累坏了。我没有时间给自己。”

Nonmonogamous folks tend to have lots of commitments—not just relationships, but work, projects, volunteering, social lives. You might sometimes end up feeling like all your time is allocated to other people—even like you’ve lost control over your life. This is another reason why it’s important, as we’ve stressed so many times, to remember that your time is yours, to remember to take time for yourself and to be intentional about whether you really have space for new people.

非单偶制者往往有很多承诺——不仅是关系，还有工作、项目、志愿服务、社交生活。你有时可能会觉得你所有的时都被分配给了别人——甚至觉得你失去了对自己生活的控制。这也是为什么，正如我们多次强调的那样，记住你的时间是你自己的，记得为自己腾出时间，并有意识地考虑你是否真的有空间容纳新人，这一点很重要。

That said, part of personal integrity is showing up and meeting your commitments. In the flush of a new relationship, it’s normal to crave the presence of a new partner almost constantly. Or when you’re going through a breakup and are heartbroken, maybe all you want to do is hide in your room watching Sense8 and eating pints of Ben & Jerry’s. It can be difficult to balance your desire to be with someone when your calendar says you need to be elsewhere. Blowing off dates with your long-standing partners—or your kids—to go running through a sunbeam-filled meadow with your new shiny person isn’t going to win you points in the integrity department.

话虽如此，个人正直的一部分是出现并履行你的承诺。在新关系的冲动中，几乎不断地渴望新伴侣的出现是正常的。或者当你经历分手并且心碎时，也许你只想躲在房间里看《超感猎杀》(Sense8) 并吃几品脱的本杰瑞 (Ben & Jerry’s) 冰淇淋。当日历说你需要去别处时，平衡你想和某人在一起的愿望是很困难的。为了和你那位闪亮的新人去阳光明媚的草地上奔跑而放你长期伴侣——或你的孩子——的鸽子，并不会让你在正直方面得分。

And when you’re with someone, work on being present with them. They will feel it if you’re not, and if it happens enough, it will damage your relationship with them. Maybe someone (or something) else is on your mind, but the person you’ve committed your time to is in front of you right now.

当你和某人在一起时，努力与他们同在。如果你不在状态，他们会感觉到的，如果这种情况经常发生，就会损害你们的关系。也许你心里在想别人（或别的事），但你承诺了时间的人现在就在你面前。

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

Problems between metamours can be as corrosive as problems between partners in nonmonogamous relationships, so they bear careful thought. Here are some questions to ask yourself about your approach to your metamours:

表侣之间的问题可能像非单偶制关系中伴侣之间的问题一样具有腐蚀性，所以值得仔细思考。以下是一些关于你对待表侣方式的问题：

Do I want to meet my metamours? If so, how and at what point in my relationship with the hinge?
What kind of support do I want from my partner as I meet my metamour or metamours?
What are my expectations of my relationships with my metamours? What will I do if I don’t get along well with a metamour?
What would I consider good metamour principles and behaviours to be? What skills do I need to develop or what support do I need to ask for if I want to embody those principles and behaviours?
我想见我的表侣吗？如果想，如何见，以及在我与枢纽关系的哪个阶段见？
当我见我的表侣时，我希望从我的伴侣那里得到什么样的支持？
我对自己与表侣的关系有什么期望？如果我和表侣相处不好，我会怎么做？
我认为好的表侣原则和行为是什么？如果我想体现这些原则和行为，我需要培养什么技能或寻求什么支持？

If you’re a hinge, being able to set good boundaries for yourself and advocate for your needs, while also being considerate of your partners, can feel hard. As you build the skills to do this, here are some questions to ask yourself:

如果你是枢纽，能够为自己设定良好的界限并为你的需求辩护，同时还要体谅你的伴侣，这可能会感觉很难。当你建立这样做的技能时，这里有一些问题可以问自己：

When my partners have competing desires, how do I express what I need? How do I make sure my own desires aren’t lost in the shuffle?
How can I best take responsibility for my choices, and make sure I’m not expecting my partners to make them for me?
What does fairness mean to me? How does this affect the way I make choices and interact with my partners?
What do I value most in each of my relationships? How can I demonstrate this to my partners?
What mix of group time and dyad time do I prefer? How do my partners feel about that? How do I respect their other time commitments?
What boundaries do I set for myself in relation to each of my partners?
How can I best support my partners’ relationships with one another in ways that respect their agency and right to choose their level of intimacy?
What do I do if one of my partners doesn’t get along well with another of my partners?
当我的伴侣有相互竞争的欲望时，我如何表达我需要什么？我如何确保我自己的欲望不会在混乱中迷失？
我如何才能最好地为我的选择承担责任，并确保我不期望我的伴侣为我做选择？
公平对我意味着什么？这如何影响我做选择和与伴侣互动的方式？
我在每段关系中最看重什么？我如何向我的伴侣证明这一点？
我更喜欢群体时间和二人时间的什么组合？我的伴侣对此感觉如何？我如何尊重他们的其他时间承诺？
我在与每个伴侣的关系中为自己设定了什么界限？
我如何才能以尊重他们代理权和选择亲密程度权利的方式最好地支持我的伴侣彼此之间的关系？
如果我的一个伴侣与我的另一个伴侣相处不好，我该怎么办？

loving all of you Charlie Jane Anders, Promises Stronger Than Darkness (New York: Tor Teen, 2023), Kobo edition. ↩ ↩²
writer Laura Boyle Laura Boyle “Kitchen Table Polyamory and Parallel Polyamory: Introduction,” Ready for Polyamory (blog), March 18, 2020, https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/kitchen-table-and-parallel-polyamory-part-2-extreme-kitchen-table-1. ↩ ↩²