20 性、快乐、风险与健康 Sex, Pleasure, Risk and Health

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For a moment she saw the two of them as Heaven might: two briefly embodied human spirits, brushing together for a moment during the long dark journey of their life and death and life again.

SHELLEY PARKER-CHAN¹

那一刻，她像上天一样看着他们俩：两个短暂具象化的人类灵魂，在生与死及重生的漫长黑暗旅程中，在此刻擦肩而过。

雪莉·帕克-陈 (Shelley Parker-Chan)¹

What is sex? It’s a notoriously difficult question to answer, and in the context of nonmonogamy, it’s … actually not all that important. By all means, explore the theoretical complexities of this question on your own or with your partners if that floats your boat!

什么是性？这是一个众所周知很难回答的问题，而在非单偶制的背景下，它……其实并没有那么重要。如果这对你有吸引力，你完全可以自己或与伴侣一起探索这个问题的理论复杂性！

The topic of sex is endlessly fascinating to many people, and this one question can lead to rich conversations. (Is masturbation sex? How about kissing? Going to a strip club? Wearing hot shoes? Cuddling naked?) But for the purposes of managing the choices you make within your relationships, it’s usually more effective to be able to talk about specific desires, risks, strategies and acts. And that requires a much bigger vocabulary and a much broader set of concepts and questions. That’s what we explore in this chapter.

性的话题对许多人来说有着无尽的魅力，这一个问题就能引发丰富的对话。（自慰是性吗？接吻呢？去脱衣舞俱乐部？穿性感的鞋子？裸体拥抱？）但为了管理你在关系中做出的选择，能够谈论具体的欲望、风险、策略和行为通常更有效。这需要更大的词汇量和更广泛的概念与问题。这就是我们在本章要探讨的内容。

This chapter is not going to do a few things.

本章不会做几件事。

First, we’re not going to teach you sexual techniques. You can find a gazillion how-to guides out there depending on what sorts of things you’re into, as well as countless workshops, retreats, online learning platforms, and much more. We’d encourage you to seek out learning from reputable sources, such as the resources offered at your local feminist and queer-friendly independent sex shop. And just as you wouldn’t try to learn how to swing from a trapeze by watching a Cirque du Soleil show, we’d discourage you from learning how to have sex by watching porn—not that porn can’t be wonderful, but remember, it’s designed for entertainment, not instruction.

首先，我们要不教你性技巧。根据你的兴趣，你可以找到无数的操作指南，以及无数的工作坊、静修会、在线学习平台等等。我们鼓励你从信誉良好的来源寻求学习，例如当地女权主义和酷儿友好的独立性用品商店提供的资源。就像你不会通过看太阳马戏团的表演来学习空中飞人一样，我们不建议你通过看色情片来学习性爱——并不是说色情片不精彩，但请记住，那是为了娱乐而非教学设计的。

Second, we’re not going to prescribe any particular kind of sex, or frequency, or anything else of the sort. The right kind of sex life is yours to figure out, on your own and with your partners.

其次，我们要不规定任何特定类型的性、频率或类似的东西。什么样的性生活是正确的，这需要你自己以及和你的伴侣一起去弄清楚。

Third, we’re not going to give you a comprehensive sexual health education. We do raise some key topics and concepts for you to think about, but mostly we just want to convey that it’s important for you to take your sexual health seriously. That means turning to trusted sources to find out how to best manage the kinds of risks you’re likely to encounter depending on what you like to do in (and out of) bed. This is partly for your own health and well-being, and partly so you can avoid putting your lovers at risk.

第三，我们不会给你一个全面的性健康教育。我们确实提出了一些关键话题和概念供你思考，但主要是想传达认真对待性健康的重要性。这意味着向值得信赖的来源寻求帮助，以此了解如何根据你在床上（和床下）喜欢做的事情来最好地管理你可能遇到的风险。这部分是为了你自己的健康和福祉，部分是为了避免让你的爱人处于危险之中。

Let’s talk about sex!

让我们谈谈性！

When you don’t want sex

当你不想要性时

Let’s make something extremely clear as a baseline: You should never have to have sex when you don’t want to. Not to save a relationship (or have access to intimacy at all), not to show you care, and not to get any of your other needs met—financial (note we’re not talking about sex work here), emotional or social. Not desiring someone physically isn’t a sign that you don’t love them. Or that you want to hurt them. Or that there’s something wrong with you. It’s not even a sign that you’re not a compatible partner with them. It just means that, for whatever reason, your body isn’t responding to them. And if you don’t want it, definitely don’t do it.

让我们明确一个极其重要的基准：当你不想做爱时，你永远不应该被迫做爱。不是为了挽救一段关系（或获得亲密关系的机会），不是为了表示你在乎，也不是为了满足你的任何其他需求——经济上的（注意我们这里谈论的不是性工作）、情感上的或社交上的。身体上不渴望某人并不意味着你不爱他们。或者你想伤害他们。或者你有什么问题。这甚至不是你不适合做他们伴侣的迹象。这只是意味着，无论出于何种原因，你的身体对他们没有反应。如果你不想要，绝对不要做。

Mononormative and patriarchal culture instills a number of toxic beliefs about sex and relationships, including:

• You owe sex to someone you’re in a relationship with.
• Sexual desire is something that can be offered or withheld at will.
• A lack of sexual desire is, at best, a sign of something wrong in the relationship. At worst, it’s a sign of malice.

单偶常态和父权制文化灌输了许多关于性和关系的有害信念，包括：

• 你欠与你有关系的人性爱。
• 性欲是可以随意给予或保留的东西。
• 缺乏性欲，往好了说，是关系出问题的迹象。往坏了说，是恶意的迹象。

These beliefs are part of a system of social pressures. One of those pressures is known as amatonormativity, which we discussed in the introduction. Another is allonormativity: the belief that everyone desires sex and experiences sexual attraction, or should. Other “norming” pressures can come into play too, such as heteronormativity (the belief that everyone is or should be heterosexual, or that penis-in-vagina (PIV) is the only “real” kind of sex) and various flavours of gender normativity that pressure everyone to conform to toxic standards of binary gender (“a real man always wants sex,” “a wife always gives it to her husband if she wants to keep him around,” and so on).

这些信念是社会压力系统的一部分。其中一种压力被称为恋爱常态 (amatonormativity)，我们在引言中讨论过。另一种是有性恋常态 (allonormativity)：认为每个人都渴望性并体验性吸引力，或者应该如此。其他“规范化”压力也会起作用，例如异性恋常态（认为每个人都是或应该是异性恋，或者认为阴茎插入阴道 [PIV] 是唯一“真正的”性行为）以及各种迫使每个人通过符合二元性别有毒标准的性别规范（“真男人总是想要性”，“如果妻子想留住丈夫就总是会给他性”，等等）。

But desire isn’t a button you can push. No matter how much you may care for someone, no matter how much you may want to meet their needs, if sexual desire or attraction is not there, it’s not there. Yes, some people can work on it, and many couples can work through reduced desire—but many can’t, and there’s nothing wrong with them. Sometimes you just don’t want it—and sometimes you just don’t want the person you think you’re supposed to want. (And sometimes, of course, you don’t even want to want it—if it weren’t for the social pressure, you’d actually be just fine not feeling sexual desire at all.)

但欲望不是一个你可以按下的按钮。无论你多么在乎某人，无论你多么想满足他们的需求，如果性欲或吸引力不存在，它就是不存在。是的，有些人可以为此努力，许多夫妇可以解决欲望减退的问题——但许多人不能，他们并没有错。有时你就是不想要——有时你就是不想要那个你认为你应该想要的人。（当然，有时你甚至不想想要它——如果不是因为社会压力，你实际上对没有性欲感觉很好。）

There are two main situations in which people don’t want sex. One is when a person is on the asexuality spectrum. The other is when a person is allosexual, but their libido has waned in a specific set of circumstances. That may be because of high stress, illness or some other external context, or it may be a compatibility or relationship issue between specific people. When this comes up in the context of a partnership, it’s referred to as desire discrepancy. We’re going to look at each of these situations in turn.

人们不想要性主要有两种情况。一种是一个人处于无性恋谱系中。另一种是一个人是有性恋 (allosexual)，但在特定情况下性欲减退。那可能是因为高压力、疾病或其他外部环境，也可能是特定人之间的兼容性或关系问题。当这种情况出现在伴侣关系的背景下时，被称为欲望差异 (desire discrepancy)。 我们将依次探讨这些情况。

ASEXUALITY

无性恋 (ASEXUALITY)

Some people who self-identify as asexual or aromantic find nonmonogamy attractive because it allows them to form intimate, loving bonds without the fear that they’ll experience sexual pressure or deprive their partners of the opportunity for a pleasurable and fulfilling sex life. Emotional closeness, support, love, touch and cuddling can all exist independent of sex. Intimate and even romantic relationships without sex are not “merely” friendships. They can and do include passionate emotional intimacy, living together, shared goals and dreams, and lifelong plans.

一些自我认同为无性恋或无浪漫情节的人发现非单偶制很有吸引力，因为它允许他们建立亲密、充满爱的纽带，而不用担心会遭受性压力或剥夺伴侣享受快乐充实性生活的机会。情感亲密、支持、爱、触摸和拥抱都可以独立于性而存在。没有性的亲密甚至浪漫关系不仅仅是“友谊”。它们可以而且确实包括激情的情感亲密、同居、共同的目标和梦想，以及终身计划。

When an asexual person partners with one or more fellow aces, they may have an easier time negotiating the issue of sex. But due to sheer numbers, it’s pretty common for ace people to be in relationships with allosexuals, in which case both or all partners need to take care to negotiate relationship parameters that work for all concerned. Some asexuals are totally sex-averse, meaning they don’t want sex of any kind ever at all, while some are willing to have (and even enjoy!) certain kinds of sex under certain circumstances. Whatever understandings you come to, it’s crucial that the allosexual partner or partners place no pressure on the ace person to be sexual.

当一个无性恋者与一个或多个同样是无性恋的人结伴时，他们在协商性问题上可能会更容易。但由于人数众多，无性恋者与有性恋者建立关系是相当普遍的，在这种情况下，双方或所有伴侣都需要注意协商对所有相关方都有效的关系参数。有些无性恋者完全厌恶性，意味着他们根本不想要任何形式的性，而有些则愿意（甚至享受！）在特定情况下进行特定种类的性行为。无论你们达成了什么共识，关键是有性恋伴侣不要对无性恋者施加性压力。

DESIRE DISCREPANCY

欲望差异 (DESIRE DISCREPANCY)

Mismatched libidos are pretty common in relationships. Desire discrepancy can come up for a few reasons. Asexuality is one, of course. But it happens even among allosexuals of all genders. Quite commonly, in fact!

性欲不匹配在关系中非常普遍。欲望差异可能由几个原因引起。当然，无性恋是其中之一。但这在所有性别的有性恋者中也会发生。事实上，非常普遍！

A lot of people (across all genders and sexual orientations) have a flawed understanding of how desire works. Far from being a problem that can be solved by taking a pill, low levels of desire are often related to living in stressful contexts where a person’s arousal “brakes” are constantly primed and their arousal “accelerators” hard to reach. This can be true at any relationship stage, but it may be particularly noticeable in long-term relationships. In any multi-year partnership, you’re going to end up dealing with the sometimes draining and unpleasant realities of everyday life, which are often not so sexy (brakes!), without the counterbalance of all the fresh and exciting hormones that show up in the early stages of sexual relationships (accelerators!). Also, Western society has normalized the idea of spontaneous desire as the only real kind, whereas for a large percentage of people, desire operates in a more responsive way—meaning, context matters a lot. Moreover, people’s emotions, desires, fantasies and bodies change over time, especially as they age. Sometimes, a thing you used to love in bed just doesn’t do it for you anymore. Sometimes, you discover a new turn-on where you least expect it. Figuring out what you want and like, sexually, is not just a project for young people—it’s lifelong.

许多人（跨越所有性别和性取向）对欲望的运作方式存在误解。低欲望远非吃药就能解决的问题，它往往与生活在压力环境中有关，在这种环境中，一个人的唤起“刹车”不断被启动，而唤起“油门”难以触及。这在任何关系阶段都可能是真的，但在长期关系中可能尤为明显。在任何多年的伴侣关系中，你最终都要处理有时令人筋疲力尽和不愉快的日常生活现实，这通常并不性感（刹车！），而且没有性关系早期出现的所有新鲜和令人兴奋的荷尔蒙（油门！）作为平衡。此外，西方社会将自发性欲望常态化为唯一真实的欲望，而对于很大一部分人来说，欲望以更具响应性的方式运作——这意味着背景很重要。此外，人们的情绪、欲望、幻想和身体会随着时间而改变，尤其是随着年龄的增长。有时，你曾经在床上喜欢的东西现在对你没用了。有时，你在最意想不到的地方发现了新的兴奋点。弄清楚你在性方面想要什么和喜欢什么，不仅仅是年轻人的项目——它是终身的。

All this to say that discrepancies in desire are common, in both long-term and newer relationships. And many people, maybe even most people (yes, even the super kinky and adventurous ones!), need to unlearn some of the notions they’ve absorbed and learn new ones. A fresh perspective and new conceptual tools about sex can work wonders in a relationship if everyone involved is willing to put in the time and effort. A great place to start is Emily Nagoski’s fantastic book, Come As You Are, which discusses brakes and accelerators and other useful concepts, and her recent follow-up, Come Together, which focuses on sex in long-term relationships.² Nagoski’s explanations of how desire works are based on sexuality research that was largely ignored until her first book brought it to light when it was published in 2015. It’s really worth your time to check out her work—it is truly revolutionary.

所有这些都说明，欲望差异在长期和较新的关系中都很常见。许多人，甚至可能是大多数人（是的，即使是超级性癖和冒险的人！），都需要忘掉他们吸收的一些观念并学习新的观念。如果每个相关人员都愿意投入时间和精力，关于性的新视角和新概念工具可以在关系中创造奇迹。艾米丽·纳戈斯基 (Emily Nagoski) 的精彩著作《原本的你》(Come As You Are) 是一个很好的起点，书中讨论了刹车和油门以及其他有用的概念，还有她最近的续作《聚在一起》(Come Together)，专注于长期关系中的性。² 纳戈斯基对欲望运作方式的解释是基于性学研究的，这些研究在她 2015 年出版第一本书之前很大程度上被忽视了。真的值得花时间去看看她的作品——它是真正的革命性的。

Desire discrepancy is something you can work on with a partner. You may be able to find workarounds and new ideas to help you deal with “outside” situations such as illness or stress. You may be able to deal with the accelerators and brakes, come up with creative solutions for sexual connection when you’re dealing with the limitations of your bodies at this time, even redefine and expand what “sex” means to you altogether. However, desire discrepancy can also come up because of eroded or broken trust, communication problems or other relationship issues. In these cases, lack of desire is a symptom of something deeper that might need other kinds of work, for example in a therapist’s office rather than in bed. Each situation is different, and we believe it’s worth digging in to find out what yours in particular is all about before you try to “spice up your sex life” with new toys or adventures. If it turns out that all you need is a vacation and a vibrator, great! But you might also, or instead, need to prioritize a lot of talking and tenderness, process unresolved conflict or heal festering emotional wounds, or develop and practise new communication skills.

欲望差异是你和伴侣可以共同解决的问题。你也许能找到变通方法和新主意来帮助你应对诸如疾病或压力等“外部”情况。你也许能处理油门和刹车，在处理当前身体限制时想出性连接的创造性解决方案，甚至重新定义和扩展“性”对你们的意义。然而，欲望差异也可能因为信任被侵蚀或破坏、沟通问题或其他关系问题而出现。在这些情况下，缺乏欲望是更深层问题的症状，可能需要其他类型的工作，例如在治疗师的办公室而不是在床上。每种情况都不同，我们认为在尝试用新玩具或冒险来“给性生活调味”之前，值得深入挖掘以找出你的具体情况是怎么回事。如果结果表明你只需要一个假期和一个振动棒，太棒了！但你也可能，或者取而代之，需要优先考虑大量的交谈和温柔，处理未解决的冲突或治愈溃烂的情感创伤，或者发展和练习新的沟通技巧。

It is also possible, sometimes, for someone to find they are not attracted to their partner at all—either because they never really were, or because of some physical, chemical or hormonal change that caused a once-strong attraction to go away. Long-term conflict or relationship toxicity can also permanently extinguish attraction. In that case, still another kind of conversation is in order, concerning whether the relationship should become nonsexual or transition out of partnership completely.

有时也有可能，某人发现自己对伴侣完全没有吸引力——要么是因为他们从未真正有过，要么是因为某种物理、化学或荷尔蒙的变化导致曾经强烈的吸引力消失了。长期的冲突或关系毒性也会永久熄灭吸引力。在那这种情况下，需要进行另一种对话，关于关系是否应该变成无性关系或完全从伴侣关系中过渡出来。

Is nonmonogamy a solution for desire discrepancy?

非单偶制是欲望差异的解决方案吗？

In monogamy, a romantic partner and a sexual partner are, almost by definition, the same person. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are so tightly entwined that some self-help books speak of “emotional infidelity” and encourage married couples not to permit each other to become too close to their friends. Advice columnists and television personalities will speak gravely of the dangers that “emotional affairs” pose to a monogamous marriage and ask, “Is emotional infidelity worse than sexual infidelity?” Monogamy can leave surprisingly little room for close friendships, much less for nonsexual romances or other kinds of intimacy.

在单偶制中，浪漫伴侣和性伴侣几乎根据定义是同一个人。情感亲密和身体亲密如此紧密地交织在一起，以至于一些自助书籍谈到“情感不忠”，并鼓励已婚夫妇不允许彼此与朋友过于亲密。建议专栏作家和电视名人会严肃地谈论“情感出轨”对单偶制婚姻构成的危险，并问，“情感不忠比性不忠更糟糕吗？”单偶制给亲密友谊留下的空间出奇地小，更不用说非性浪漫或其他种类的亲密关系了。

This creates problems for asexuals and for couples whose members are no longer sexually attracted to one another or have mismatched libidos. If your romantic partner is also expected to be your only sexual partner, and furthermore you are expected to want sex automatically as part of wanting romance, what happens when sexual compatibility isn’t there? What do you do when one person is unwilling or unable to be sexual with the other? In cases like this, monogamy struggles. It seems on the face of it absurd to tell another person “I’m not okay with you having your sexual needs met by anyone but me, and I won’t meet your sexual needs,” but that’s precisely what happens. The monogamous person with unmet sexual needs faces a set of choices: pressuring, coercion, cheating or celibacy.

这给无性恋者以及不再相互性吸引或性欲不匹配的夫妇带来了问题。如果你的浪漫伴侣也被期望是你唯一的性伴侣，而且你还被期望因为想要浪漫而自动想要性，那么当性兼容性不存在时会发生什么？当一个人不愿意或不能与另一个人发生性关系时，你会怎么做？在这些情况下，单偶制会陷入困境。告诉另一个人“除了我之外，我不允许任何人满足你的性需求，而我也不会满足你的性需求”，这表面上看起来很荒谬，但这正是发生的事情。性需求未得到满足的单偶制者面临一系列选择：施压、胁迫、出轨或禁欲。

Even when a good monogamous relationship is nonsexual through mutual choice, it is often treated dismissively, if not derisively. “You and your spouse haven’t had sex in two years? Oh, I’m so sorry. That must be awful! What’s wrong?”

即使一段良好的单偶制关系通过共同选择成为无性关系，它也经常被轻视，甚至嘲笑。“你和你配偶两年没做爱了？哦，我很抱歉。那一定很糟糕！怎么了？”

One of the advantages of nonmonogamy is that it does not mean hitching all your sexual wagons to a single star. It allows room for change that would threaten the existence of many monogamous relationships. An emotionally satisfying, deeply committed, loving open relationship between two people who are, or have become, sexually incompatible can still flourish. However, the situation demands a careful approach. Sometimes, nonmonogamy can present solutions, for instance by creating space for partners with higher desire levels to explore without placing pressure on lower-desire partners to join in or keep up. At the same time, it’s important to not default to the “if the relationship isn’t working, just add more people!” approach, which can do a lot of harm to everyone concerned. As we discussed in the last section, desire discrepancies within a relationship can be a signal not that naturally occurring difference is rearing its head, but that something particular to that relationship needs work. Even when two people bring their natural differences to a relationship, discrepancies can still often be bridged if both people take the time to understand each other’s needs and figure out how to create the right contexts for desire to flourish. So if you simply throw your hands in the air and say “Our desires are just too different, guess we better stop trying!” you can end up turning away from a sexual relationship that could have been deeply satisfying if you’d only made the effort.

非单偶制的优点之一是它并不意味着把你所有的性需求都寄托在一个人身上。它为那些会威胁到许多单偶制关系存在的变化留出了空间。两个在性方面不兼容或变得不兼容的人之间，仍然可以发展出一段情感满足、深度承诺、充满爱的开放关系。然而，这种情况需要谨慎处理。有时，非单偶制可以提供解决方案，例如通过为性欲较高的伴侣创造探索空间，而不给性欲较低的伴侣施加参与或跟上的压力。同时，重要的是不要默认采取“如果关系行不通，就加更多人！”的方法，这可能会对所有相关人员造成很大伤害。正如我们在上一节中讨论的那样，关系中的欲望差异可能并不是自然发生的差异在抬头，而是该关系特有的某些方面需要努力。即使两个人将他们的自然差异带入关系中，如果两个人都花时间了解彼此的需求并弄清楚如何创造适合欲望蓬勃发展的环境，差异通常仍然可以弥合。所以，如果你只是举手投降说“我们的欲望太不一样了，我想我们最好停止尝试！”，你可能会背弃一段只要你付出努力本可以非常令人满意的性关系。

Alternatively, you may stay in relationships that really should come to an end, distracting yourself with new and shiny people while letting your existing partnership starve to death instead of dealing with problems head-on. The further danger is that you may end up treating new partners like sex toys or desire-fulfillment machines. You might start hopping from adventure to adventure, or gorging yourself on all the happy hormones that come with NRE. In cases like this, nonmonogamy can end up looking a lot like serial monogamy, just with some overlap time during which one relationship withers on the vine while the next one gets all the water and sunlight.

或者，你可能会留在真正应该结束的关系中，用光鲜亮丽的新人分散自己的注意力，任由现有的伙伴关系饿死，而不是正面解决问题。更进一步的危险是，你最终可能会把新伴侣当成性玩具或欲望满足机器。你可能会从一个冒险跳到另一个冒险，或者让自己沉浸在 NRE 带来的所有快乐荷尔蒙中。在这些情况下，非单偶制最终可能会看起来很像连续单偶制，只是有一些重叠时间，在此期间一段关系在藤蔓上枯萎，而下一段关系得到所有的水和阳光。

Remember, too, that needs aren’t necessarily transitive. What you need from one partner can’t necessarily be given by someone else. For some people, sexuality is an expression of intimacy and love; such people may need to be sexual or romantic with all their intimate partners, and if that expression isn’t available, it may damage a relationship.

还要记住，需求不一定是可传递的。你需要从一个伴侣那里得到的东西不一定能由别人给予。对一些人来说，性是亲密和爱的表达；这些人可能需要与所有亲密伴侣都有性或浪漫关系，如果这种表达不可得，可能会损害关系。

Another painful situation can arise when a couple thinks they have mismatched libidos, but after opening their relationship, they discover that one of them just wasn’t that attracted to the other—because they may actually have a very high libido with another person or other people. That can be extremely hurtful for the person who had previously been viewed as the higher-libido partner but was in fact, it turns out, just undesired. This situation plays into a common fear that opening a relationship will result in a breakup because someone “better” comes along. The truth is, this same issue can come to a head in monogamous relationships that haven’t opened up: A supposedly low-libido partner may suddenly find themselves wildly desirous of someone else at any point. They may then cheat, or they may simply end their current relationship and pursue a new one. Or they may keep it to themselves and suppress it to stay in their established relationship—which can sometimes be okay, but often will simply create tension and disconnection. Becoming nonmonogamous can be a catalyst for this problem to come to light, but it’s rarely the sole cause. Regardless of how they got to this point, the couple may have some tough choices to make about whether to stay together or part ways in light of this new information.

另一种痛苦的情况可能发生在一对夫妇认为他们的性欲不匹配，但在开放关系后，他们发现其中一人只是对另一人没有那么大的吸引力——因为他们实际上可能对另一个人或其他人有很高的性欲。对于以前被视为性欲较高但实际上只是不被渴望的伴侣来说，这可能会极其令人受伤。这种情况触及了一种常见的恐惧，即开放关系会导致分手，因为出现了“更好”的人。事实是，同样的问题在未开放的单偶制关系中也会达到紧要关头：一个所谓的低性欲伴侣可能在任何时候突然发现自己疯狂地渴望别人。然后他们可能会出轨，或者干脆结束当前的关系去追求新的关系。或者他们可能会把它藏在心里并压抑它以留在既定关系中——这有时可能还好，但往往只会制造紧张和断联。成为非单偶制可能是这个问题暴露的催化剂，但很少是唯一原因。无论他们是如何走到这一步的，鉴于这些新信息，这对夫妇可能需要做出一些艰难的选择，是继续在一起还是分道扬镳。

So if you’re in a partnership where there’s a discrepancy in desire, is nonmonogamy the solution (or part of the solution)? Possibly! But we’d encourage you and your partner to take a long and careful look before leaping in so that you don’t find yourselves just compounding your difficulties.

所以，如果你处于一段存在欲望差异的伙伴关系中，非单偶制是解决方案（或解决方案的一部分）吗？可能！但我们鼓励你和你的伴侣在投入之前进行长期而仔细的审视，以免你们发现自己只是在加剧困难。

Emotions

情绪 (Emotions)

Sex can bring up powerful emotions—both negative and positive. There can be enormous vulnerability in baring your body, touching another person and being touched, and allowing yourself to explore the unknown or be seen as you experience pleasure. In its best moments, sex can elicit feelings of satisfaction, closeness, silliness, fun, excitement, release, catharsis, even transcendence. In its more difficult ones, you can feel awkward, anxious, uncomfortable, disconnected, sad, angry, ashamed or fearful. You can also map a lot of meaning onto sex. It can symbolize security, love, desirability, worth, competency and much more, which means a lot is riding on it going well.

性可以引发强烈的情绪——既有消极的也有积极的。暴露身体、触摸他人和被触摸、允许自己探索未知或在体验快乐时被看到，都存在巨大的脆弱性。在最好的时刻，性可以引发满足、亲密、愚蠢、乐趣、兴奋、释放、宣泄甚至超越的感觉。在更困难的时刻，你可能会感到尴尬、焦虑、不舒服、断联、悲伤、愤怒、羞耻或恐惧。你还可以将很多意义映射到性上。它可以象征安全感、爱、吸引力、价值、能力等等，这意味着它的顺利进行承载了很多东西。

This intensity and complexity of emotion (to say nothing of sensation!) can be one of the big reasons people are drawn to having sexual encounters and relationships, but it also brings with it a level of risk—partly for yourself, and partly for the person or people you’re having sex with. A great deal of ink has been spilled on the topic of sex, and distilling it all here would be an impossible task. Mostly we want to emphasize that regardless of what emotions and meanings sex brings up for you, whether you’re an experienced sexual adventurer or really new at a lot of things, it’s worth giving yourself and your partners a lot of gentleness, compassion and time as you explore them.

这种情绪的强度和复杂性（更不用说感觉了！）可能是人们被吸引进行性接触和建立关系的重要原因之一，但它也带来了一定程度的风险——部分是对你自己，部分是对和你发生性关系的人。关于性的话题已经有大量的著述，在这里将其全部提炼出来是不可能的任务。我们主要想强调的是，无论性为你带来什么情绪和意义，无论你是经验丰富的性冒险家还是对很多事情都很陌生，在你探索它们时，给自己和你的伴侣大量的温柔、同情和时间都是值得的。

You may discover that you have a lot of curiosity or want to learn new things—skills, techniques, approaches. This may be for your own reasons or because you find yourself interested in or partnered with someone who has a really different outlook on sex, or a different set of experiences or preferences, than you do. Learning about sex can be a rich and exciting project, and a lifelong one. And nonmonogamy does attract some people with above-average appetites for sexual adventure, including kink, group sex and more. Just remember that while nonmonogamy might expose you to new paths and pleasures, you’re not obliged to follow or partake in all of them. Nonmonogamy is not only for the adventurous. Explore at will, but remember that it’s okay to just not be interested in some things. In the kink world, there’s the concept of the “squick”—meaning a kink that totally grosses you out, but that you’re not judging to be bad. It’s a handy concept for all kinds of sex that aren’t kink, too. Just because you don’t enjoy a thing doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or that you’re against others enjoying it. It just means you don’t want to do it, whether for now or forever, with a specific person or with anyone at all.

你可能会发现自己有很多好奇心或想学习新事物——技能、技巧、方法。这可能是出于你自己的原因，也可能是因为你发现自己感兴趣或与之结伴的人对性的看法与你截然不同，或者有着不同的一套经历或偏好。学习性可能是一个丰富而令人兴奋的项目，而且是终身的。非单偶制确实吸引了一些对性冒险有超乎寻常胃口的人，包括性癖、群交等等。只需记住，虽然非单偶制可能会让你接触到新的路径和快乐，但你没有义务跟随或参与所有这些。非单偶制不仅适合冒险者。随意探索，但记住对某些事情不感兴趣是可以的。在性癖世界里，有一个“恶心点”(squick) 的概念——意味着一种让你完全恶心的性癖，但你并不评判它是坏的。这也是一个适用于所有非性癖性行为的方便概念。仅仅因为你不享受某样东西并不意味着你有什么问题，或者你反对别人享受它。这只是意味着你不想做，无论是现在还是永远，是与特定的人还是与任何人。

You may also realize that sex brings up some troubling emotions for you. If so, we encourage you to seek out healing in whatever form feels the most accessible and right for you, whether that’s self-exploration, classic therapy, sex therapy specifically, new kinds of exercise or physical self-care, or any other kind of work that helps you heal.

你也可能会意识到性会给你带来一些令人不安的情绪。如果是这样，我们鼓励你以任何你觉得最容易接受和最适合你的形式寻求治愈，无论是自我探索、经典疗法、专门的性疗法、新型运动或身体自我护理，还是任何其他帮助你治愈的工作。

Two of the most common difficulties that can come up when exploring sex and sexuality are shame and trauma triggers.

在探索性和性欲时可能出现的两个最常见的困难是羞耻感和创伤触发因素。

SHAME

羞耻 (SHAME)

According to sex therapists Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer A. Vencill in their book Desire, sexual shame is “the worry that some part of us is unacceptable, wrong, or bad in the eyes of others,” and the feeling that something about us will make others reject us.³ They say there are two major sociocultural roots for this kind of feeling. The first is a lack of adequate sex education—which is sadly all too common today in most countries. Despite the wealth of research and knowledge available, many school jurisdictions provide inadequate sex education or none at all, mostly for political or religious reasons. As far as the United States is concerned, Mersy and Vencill blame religious-right purity culture for much of this, but the problem extends well past the realm of evangelical influence. Around the world, sex ed curricula (when they exist at all) are often shaped by values that have nothing to do with scientific accuracy or an imperative to set young people up for a lifetime of sexual health and well-being and consensual pleasure. They also frequently exclude queer and trans people from the materials entirely, leaving tons of young people ashamed and in the dark even compared to their peers’ limited learning. As a result, lots of people end up feeling scared of sex, ashamed of their bodies, unaware of how to experience pleasure or communicate clearly about their limits and desires, and set up with inadequate or inaccurate information about safer sex.

根据性治疗师劳伦·福格尔·默西 (Lauren Fogel Mersy) 和珍妮弗·A·文西尔 (Jennifer A. Vencill) 在她们的著作《欲望》(Desire) 中所说，性羞耻是“担心我们的某些部分在别人眼中是不可接受的、错误的或坏的”，以及某种关于我们的东西会让别人拒绝我们的感觉。³ 她们说这种感觉有两个主要的社会文化根源。首先是缺乏适当的性教育——遗憾的是，这在当今大多数国家都太普遍了。尽管有丰富的研究和知识可用，但许多学校管辖区提供的性教育不足或根本没有，主要是出于政治或宗教原因。就美国而言，默西和文西尔将这在很大程度上归咎于宗教右翼的纯洁文化，但这个问题远远超出了福音派影响的范围。在世界各地，性教育课程（如果存在的话）往往是由与科学准确性无关的价值观塑造的，或者是与让年轻人为终身性健康、福祉和合意快乐做好准备的必要性无关的价值观。它们还经常将酷儿和跨性别者完全排除在材料之外，让成吨的年轻人即使与同龄人有限的学习相比也感到羞耻和蒙在鼓里。结果，许多人最终对性感到恐惧，对自己的身体感到羞耻，不知道如何体验快乐或清楚地沟通他们的限制和欲望，并且掌握的关于安全性行为的信息不足或不准确。

If that describes your own experience of sex ed as a teenager, you are not alone! The good news is that there are tons of resources available for you to learn from. The slightly less good news is that it’s entirely up to you to seek out this knowledge and challenge yourself to rethink (or unlearn) the things you learned early on. Check out the resources at the back of this book for a few starting points, or pay a visit to your local sex-positive, feminist sex shop to see what they recommend.

如果这描述了你青少年时期的性教育经历，你并不孤单！好消息是，有大量的资源可供你学习。稍微不那么好的消息是，完全取决于你去寻找这些知识并挑战自己重新思考（或忘却）你早期学到的东西。查看本书后面的资源以获取一些起点，或者去你当地的性积极、女权主义性用品商店看看他们推荐什么。

The second factor that gives rise to shame, according to Mersy and Vencill, is “an inability to speak openly and honestly about sexual health topics.” Which of course ties in directly to the first factor. If you’re not taught about sex in a shame-free, accurate way, especially if you’re also told it’s bad and wrong, then it may be really intimidating to say anything about it—even when talking with someone you’re having sex with! Getting comfortable with talking about sex is a really great step toward taking good care of your own health and the health of the people you have sex with. It might be terrifying at first, but it’s worth working on. If you’re new to this, or just want to improve your sex conversations, you may want to check out the book Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin with Xander Marin (it’s not geared for nonmonogamous people, but it’s still got good tips), or work with a coach or sex therapist, alone or with one or more partners.

根据默西和文西尔的说法，导致羞耻的第二个因素是“无法公开诚实地谈论性健康话题”。这当然直接与第一个因素有关。如果你没有以无羞耻、准确的方式接受性教育，特别是如果你还被告知那是坏的和错误的，那么谈论它可能会真的很吓人——即使是和你发生性关系的人谈论！习惯谈论性是朝着照顾好自己和你发生性关系之人的健康迈出的真正伟大的一步。起初可能会很可怕，但值得努力。如果你对此很陌生，或者只是想改善你的性对话，你可能想看看凡妮莎·马林 (Vanessa Marin) 和山德·马林 (Xander Marin) 的书《性谈话》(Sex Talks)（它不是针对非单偶制人群的，但仍然有很多好建议），或者与教练或性治疗师合作，单独或与一个或多个伴侣一起。

TRAUMA

创伤 (TRAUMA)

Statistics tell us that half of all women and nearly a third of men have experienced some kind of physical sexual violence in their lifetime. In addition, trans, gender-nonconforming and queer people are subjected to atrocious levels of violence, much of it gender-based or sexual in nature. Not every experience of violence leads to long-term physical or emotional trauma symptoms, but given these high numbers, it’s not surprising that a lot of people’s experiences of sex and sexuality are shaped by trauma. And that’s not even counting the common experiences of sexual harassment, stalking, catcalling and general objectification that many people are subjected to, especially but not only women. Or the additional levels of violence and discrimination experienced by people with disabilities, Black people, Indigenous people and people of colour, as well as the many people who live at the intersections of multiple oppressions.

统计数据告诉我们，有一半的女性和近三分之一的男性一生中经历过某种形式的身体性暴力。此外，跨性别者、性别不合规者和酷儿遭受着极其严重的暴力，其中大部分是基于性别或性性质的。并非每一次暴力经历都会导致长期的身体或情感创伤症状，但鉴于这些高数字，许多人的性和性欲体验受到创伤的影响也就不足为奇了。这甚至还没算上许多人（尤其是但不限于女性）经常遭受的性骚扰、跟踪、街头骚扰和普遍的物化经历。或者残疾人、黑人、原住民和有色人种，以及许多生活在多重压迫交汇处的人所经历的额外暴力和歧视水平。

What does all this mean, practically speaking? A lot of things, but two in particular stand out.

实际上，这一切意味着什么？很多事情，但有两点特别突出。

First, you, yourself, may have trauma (sexual or otherwise) that affects how you engage in sexual relationships and how you have sex. In their book Cultivating Connection, therapist Sander T. Jones explains that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) “results in real, physical changes in brain structure” which are “in some ways beneficial and adaptive when a person is living in a dangerous environment.” They write,

首先，你自己可能有创伤（性方面的或其他方面的）影响你如何参与性关系以及如何进行性行为。在其著作《培养连接》中，治疗师桑德·T·琼斯解释说，创伤后应激障碍 (PTSD) “导致大脑结构发生真实的物理变化”，这“当一个人生活在危险环境中时，在某些方面是有益和适应性的”。他们写道：

The resulting symptoms—hypervigilance, hyperarousal, avoidance, and multiple forms of dissociation—help a person survive, function, and avoid additional trauma when living in an ongoing trauma-inducing environment [but] when we leave traumatizing environments and move to safer environments, symptoms that were once adaptive […] can be maladaptive and become additional sources of pain.⁴

由此产生的症状——高度警惕、过度唤起、回避和多种形式的解离——帮助一个人在生活在持续诱发创伤的环境中生存、运作并避免额外的创伤，[但]当我们离开创伤环境进入更安全的环境时，曾经具有适应性的症状[…]可能会变得适应不良，并成为额外的痛苦来源。⁴

For this reason, they encourage healing in a way that involves “developing peace, happiness, and functionality that doesn’t attempt to deny the powerful changes of our life experiences.”

因此，他们鼓励一种涉及“发展和平、幸福和功能性，而不试图否认我们生活经历的强大变化”的疗愈方式。

If you have trauma, you may already have done a lot of healing, or you may be at the beginning of your journey. We can’t prescribe a course of action for you, but we do want to say that you’re worth the time and effort it takes to heal. Nonmonogamy can reopen old wounds, but it can also provide additional support and care as you undertake or continue this work, whatever it may be for you.

如果你有创伤，你可能已经做了很多疗愈，或者你可能正处于旅程的开始。我们无法为你规定行动方案，但我们确实想说，你值得花时间和精力去疗愈。非单偶制可能会重新通过旧伤口，但在你进行或继续这项工作时（无论这对你来说是什么），它也可以提供额外的支持和关怀。

The second thing is that even if you don’t have sexual trauma yourself, there is a good chance that at some point in your journey, you may partner or have a sexual encounter with someone who has. So it’s worth learning more about how trauma affects people’s emotions, bodies and communication, and how to be a sensitive partner to someone who manages trauma triggers. Some great places to start are Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure, Jones’s Cultivating Connection, or JoEllen Notte’s The Monster Under the Bed for a great discussion of how mental health concerns can affect sex.⁵

第二件事是，即使你自己没有性创伤，在你的旅程中的某个时刻，你很有可能会与有性创伤的人结伴或发生性接触。因此，值得更多地了解创伤如何影响人们的情绪、身体和沟通，以及如何成为一个管理创伤触发因素的人的敏感伴侣。一些很好的起点是杰西卡·弗恩的书《多边安全》、琼斯的《培养连接》，或者乔艾伦·诺特的《床底下的怪物》，后者对心理健康问题如何影响性进行了很好的讨论。⁵

Consent, boundaries and communication

同意、界限与沟通 (Consent, boundaries and communication)

Sex is the erotic experience or exchange that happens within all participants’ boundaries and subject to all participants’ consent. You may communicate about it a lot or not very much, and you might enjoy it a lot or not very much—sex can be a messy affair in which you make mistakes, learn about yourself and others, and figure out how to make the best of things when they go wrong. Bodies are messy and leaky, furniture can break, sex toys can go on the fritz, safer sex supplies can fail, and you might run out of lube or get a phone call from one of the kids at exactly the wrong moment. You might also encounter a boundary or trigger you didn’t know was there, in yourself or someone else, and have to navigate that in the moment with as much care and sensitivity as possible. But if everyone involved communicates clearly and respects each other’s boundaries and consent, it tends to reduce the potential for damage and boost the potential for pleasure and connection, even when life interferes.

性是发生在所有参与者界限内并服从所有参与者同意的色情体验或交换。你们可能会对此进行大量沟通，也可能很少，你们可能会非常享受，也可能不太享受——性可能是一件混乱的事情，在其中你会犯错，了解自己和他人，并弄清楚当事情出错时如何充分利用。身体是混乱和泄漏的，家具可能会坏，性玩具可能会出故障，安全性行为用品可能会失效，你可能会用完润滑油或者在完全错误的时间接到孩子的电话。你也可能会遇到你自己或别人身上你不知道存在的界限或触发点，并且必须在当下尽可能小心和敏感地处理。但是，如果每个相关人员都清楚地沟通并尊重彼此的界限和同意，这往往会减少潜在的损害，并增加快乐和连接的潜力，即使生活受到干扰。

CONSENT

同意 (CONSENT)

A lot of people aren’t familiar with this legal definition of consent. It’s a lot stricter than many might expect! For that reason alone, we think it’s worth setting it out here.

很多人并不熟悉同意的这个法律定义。它比许多人预期的要严格得多！仅凭这个原因，我们认为值得在这里列出。

In Canada, the law is very clear in stating that sexual activity requires an affirmative, voluntary agreement to be considered consensual. That means consent is active, not silent or passive, and not just a failure to say no. The law also makes it clear that consenting to one act doesn’t mean you’re consenting to everything else someone might want to do with you. It also says that if you don’t have the full capacity to give consent—say, if you’re drunk or high or asleep, or your judgment is otherwise impaired—then your consent isn’t considered valid. It also doesn’t count as consent if the other person uses their position of power or authority to coerce you into a yes.⁶

在加拿大，法律非常明确地指出，性活动需要肯定的、自愿的协议才能被视为合意的。这意味着同意是主动的，不是沉默或被动的，也不仅仅是没有说不。法律还明确指出，同意一种行为并不意味着你同意别人可能想对你做的所有其他事情。它还说，如果你没有完全的能力给予同意——比如说，如果你醉了、兴奋了或睡着了，或者你的判断力受到其他损害——那么你的同意不被视为有效。如果对方利用他们的权力或权威地位强迫你同意，这也不算同意。⁶

But legalities aren’t the only important thing. Among other things, they tend to be based on the idea that everyone holds equal negotiating power, except in cases where someone is in a position of official power or authority over someone else (say, a teacher and a student). This is what might be called a “liberal” notion of equality under the law. This legal framework, robust as it may be, fails to account for differences along the lines of social privilege: for instance, if one person is physically disabled and another not, or if one person is more sexually experienced or better known in a given community. You can think critically about these kinds of power differences and negotiate with them in mind; you can do better than just respecting the law. Finally, the legal framework does not address the murky areas of misunderstandings, activity that was consented to (even enthusiastically) but that caused harm anyway, and re-evaluation of your experiences as you grow and learn. As A.V. Flox writes:⁷

但合法性并不是唯一重要的事情。除其他外，它们往往基于这样一个观念，即每个人都拥有平等的谈判能力，除非某人对另一人处于官方权力或权威地位（比如老师和学生）。这就是所谓的法律面前人人平等的“自由主义”观念。这个法律框架虽然稳健，但未能考虑到社会特权方面的差异：例如，如果一个人身体残疾而另一个人没有，或者如果一个人在特定社区中性经验更丰富或更出名。你可以批判性地思考这些类型的权力差异，并在谈判时考虑到它们；你可以做得比仅仅尊重法律更好。最后，法律框架没有解决误解、虽然同意（甚至热情地）但仍然造成伤害的活动，以及随着你的成长和学习重新评估你的经历等模糊领域。正如 A.V. Flox 所写：⁷

In a legal model, even one that attempts to expand our understanding of consent like affirmative consent does, there is no space for people to reflect on what they’ve done and honor the evolution of their feelings about it or their partner in a wider context. This is because the legal model of consent is one that primarily focuses on whether static rules are being broken, rather than one that centers on the individuals, who are by nature dynamic.

在一个法律模型中，即使是一个试图扩展我们对同意的理解的模型，如肯定性同意，也没有空间让人反思他们做了什么，并在更广泛的背景下尊重他们对此或对伴侣的感觉演变。这是因为同意的法律模型主要关注静态规则是否被打破，而不是以本质上是动态的个人为中心。

Robin Bauer, a scholar who studies dyke and queer BDSM communities, calls for people to establish what he calls critical consent. He defines this as “an active, ongoing collaboration for the mutual benefit of all involved, helping to establish and maintain each participant’s own sense of integrity.” A critical consent approach, as he explains it, comes with a heightened sense of responsibility, the willingness to be accountable for the consequences of your actions, and a sense of increased sexual agency that’s not based on pretending that social hierarchies and norms don’t exist. Rather, he calls for people to work together on critical consent practices, “for instance through the insight that, for consent to be valid, actors do not need to be equal (which is practically impossible), but do need to be able to access negotiating power in that particular situation.”⁸

研究女同性恋和酷儿 BDSM 社区的学者罗宾·鲍尔 (Robin Bauer) 呼吁人们建立他所谓的批判性同意 (critical consent)。他将其定义为“为了所有参与者的共同利益而进行的积极、持续的合作，有助于建立和维持每个参与者自己的正直感。”正如他解释的那样，批判性同意方法伴随着更高的责任感、为自己行为后果负责的意愿，以及一种不基于假装社会等级和规范不存在的增强的性代理感。相反，他呼吁人们共同努力进行批判性同意实践，“例如通过这样的洞察力：为了使同意有效，行为者不需要平等（这实际上是不可能的），但确实需要在那个特定情况下能够获得谈判能力。”⁸

Practically speaking, that means you need to acknowledge the power differentials between yourself and the partners you’re having sex with, and then negotiate in full awareness of those differences. So you’re not just going for a yes-or-no kind of conversation, or even a “yes to this, no to that” one. Instead, you’re looking to notice, speak out loud about and work with your differences. You might try to have conversations about what kind of setup and activities would make an inexperienced person feel safest when having sex with a more experienced person, establish a safe caller (someone to check in with at a specific time during or after a date) and other agreements for a person who’s about to go home with a stranger, or have explicit discussions about race or gender as they affect what you want to do with each other in bed. You might discuss intentions, types of touch, roles, or what sort of feelings you’re hoping to experience: “I’m having a sad day but I’d really like to have some skin time with you, so let’s make this a gentle and soft experience,” for instance, or “People treat me with kid gloves because of my disability, but I’m quite strong and want my partners to see and feel that aspect of me, so it would feel great to go rough!”

实际上，这意味着你需要承认你自己和你发生性关系的伴侣之间的权力差异，然后在充分意识到这些差异的情况下进行谈判。所以你不只是在进行是或否的对话，甚至不是“这个可以，那个不行”的对话。相反，你在寻求注意、大声说出并处理你们的差异。你可能会尝试讨论什么样的设置和活动会让一个缺乏经验的人在与一个更有经验的人发生性关系时感到最安全，为一个即将和陌生人回家的的人建立一个安全呼叫人（在约会期间或之后的特定时间检查的人）和其他协议，或者明确讨论种族或性别如何影响你们想在床上对彼此做的事情。你可能会讨论意图、触摸类型、角色，或者你希望体验什么样的感觉：“我今天很伤心，但我真的很想和你有一些肌肤之亲，所以让我们让这成为一种温柔和柔软的体验，”例如，或者“人们因为我的残疾而对我小心翼翼，但我很强壮，希望我的伴侣看到并感受到我的那一面，所以粗暴一点感觉会很棒！”

BOUNDARIES AND COMMUNICATION

界限与沟通 (BOUNDARIES AND COMMUNICATION)

We’ve discussed boundary-setting in several chapters of this book, including chapters 2 and 3. We won’t repeat all the general concepts here, but of course sex is another place where boundaries come up. Those boundaries may be emotional, such as needing certain accommodations for trauma triggers or checking in before certain kinds of touch, or physical, such as asking that your partners use condoms or gloves for certain acts or respect your physical limitations around pain or disability. And just as anywhere else, your boundary is about what you will permit to happen—not about controlling another person’s behaviour. So for example, you can say “I won’t have PIV sex with you if you’re having unprotected PIV sex with others,” because that’s about your own risk tolerance. But it’s no longer boundary-setting when you say “You’re not allowed to have PIV sex with anyone but me”—that’s crossing the line into imposing rules on others’ behaviour.

我们在本书的几章中讨论过界限设定，包括第 2 章和第 3 章。我们不会在这里重复所有的一般概念，但当然，性是另一个出现界限的地方。这些界限可能是情感上的，例如需要对创伤触发因素进行某些调节，或者在某些种类的触摸之前进行确认，或者是物理上的，例如要求你的伴侣在某些行为中使用避孕套或手套，或者尊重你在疼痛或残疾方面的身体限制。就像其他任何地方一样，你的界限是关于你允许发生什么——而不是关于控制另一个人的行为。所以例如，你可以说“如果你和别人进行无保护的 PIV 性行为，我就不会和你进行 PIV 性行为”，因为这是关于你自己的风险承受能力。但是当你说是“除了我，你不允许和任何人进行 PIV 性行为”时，这就不是设定界限了——那是越界对别人的行为施加规则。

To set sex-related boundaries, it helps to know what you like and don’t like, and to be able to tell a sexual partner about those things. But how do you figure out what you like and don’t like? Do people come preprogrammed with that knowledge? In some cases, yes, in the sense that you can feel disgust or desire toward a particular act (or person) without having direct experience to back it up or confirm it. A great example is sexual orientation. People often know, even in childhood, that they’re drawn to others of a certain gender presentation, and this knowledge is valid and real. That doesn’t mean what you like is always stable and never changes, but it does mean that some major features of your desires may be clear to you long before you confirm them through direct experience.

为了设定与性相关的界限，知道你喜欢什么和不喜欢什么，并能够告诉性伴侣这些事情是有帮助的。但你如何弄清楚你喜欢什么和不喜欢什么？人们生来就有这种知识吗？在某些情况下，是的，即你可以在没有直接经验支持或证实的情况下对特定行为（或人）感到厌恶或渴望。一个很好的例子是性取向。人们通常甚至在童年时期就知道他们被某种性别表现的人所吸引，这种知识是有效和真实的。这并不意味着你喜欢的东西总是稳定的，从不改变，但这确实意味着你的欲望的一些主要特征可能在你通过直接经验证实它们之前很久就已经对你清晰了。

But in a lot of cases, you find out what you do and don’t like by trial and error. This is the beauty and magic of sex: It’s an opportunity to take a leap of faith, extend trust to someone, and experience things, whether for the first time or the three thousandth, without ever being able to fully predict what it’s going to be like. It’s also part of what makes sex emotionally and physically risky. And it’s part of why any advice on how to communicate about sex needs to take into account the things that you might simply not be able to know going in. There always needs to be room for everyone to say, “Yikes! That doesn’t feel the way I thought it would; I need a time-out!” or the equivalent.

但在很多情况下，你是通过试错来发现你喜欢和不喜欢什么的。这就是性的美妙和魔力：这是一个信念飞跃的机会，向某人通过信任，并体验事物，无论是第一次还是第三千次，都无法完全预测它会是什么样子。这也是使性在情感和身体上具有风险的部分原因。这也是为什么任何关于如何沟通性的建议都需要考虑到你可能根本无法在进入时就知道的事情。总是需要给每个人留有空间说，“哎呀！那感觉不像我想象的那样；我需要暂停一下！”或者类似的话。

That means that good communication about sex needs to happen before, so that you can establish boundaries and desires together; during, so that all involved have the ability to keep each other in the loop about what’s going on while sex is happening; and after, to whatever degree is appropriate to the relationship.

这意味着关于性的良好沟通需要发生在事前，以便你们可以共同确立界限和欲望；事中，以便所有参与者都有能力在性行为发生时让彼此了解正在发生的事情；以及事后，以适合关系的程度进行。

Gaining strong communication skills is a long-term project. You might want to work with a coach or therapist, read self-help books and practice techniques, or even take classes, such as for active listening or other approaches. You might learn techniques and concepts from the kink world, such as speed negotiation, safewords and other tools. You might seek out knowledge about body language and start asking your partners things like “I’m noticing that you’re holding your breath—is that a good thing, or does it mean you’re not enjoying this?” (Body language does not trump a verbal yes or no, but it does give you more information to work with.) And you can definitely benefit from doing self-exploration, because the more in tune you are with your own needs and desires, the more likely you are to be able to express them accurately.

获得强大的沟通技巧是一个长期的项目。你可能想与教练或治疗师合作，阅读自助书籍并练习技巧，甚至参加课程，例如积极倾听或其他方法。你可能会从性癖世界学习技巧和概念，例如快速谈判、安全词和其他工具。你可能会寻求关于肢体语言的知识，并开始问你的伴侣诸如“我注意到你在屏住呼吸——那是好事，还是意味着你不享受这个？”（肢体语言不能胜过口头的“是”或“否”，但它确实为你提供了更多可供参考的信息。）你肯定可以从自我探索中受益，因为你越了解自己的需求和欲望，你就越有可能准确地表达它们。

Another kind of sex-related boundary is that everyone has a right to privacy about the details of the sex they have. There’s no hard-and-fast line that clearly separates one person’s right to be informed from another’s right to privacy; setting these boundaries requires compassion and negotiation. Certainly, you have the right to know about your partner’s sexual activities with other people in general terms, especially to the extent that it could affect your sexual health, but at the same time, the details of sexual acts are things that your partner and their partners can reasonably expect to keep to themselves if they don’t want to share them.

另一种与性相关的界限是每个人都有权对他们性行为的细节保密。没有一条明确的界线可以清楚地区分一个人的知情权和另一个人的隐私权；设定这些界限需要同情和协商。当然，你有权大体上知道你伴侣与他人的性活动，特别是如果这可能影响你的性健康，但与此同时，如果你的伴侣和他们的伴侣不想分享，他们可以合理地期望将性行为的细节保密。

As with anything else, talk about privacy with everyone you’re involved with. People can have remarkably different ideas about what privacy means and how it should be respected, and trust can easily be broken if there’s a misunderstanding. Proactive conversation is a good idea! Refer back to the discussion on privacy on pages 266–267.

就像其他任何事情一样，与所有你涉及的人谈论隐私。人们对隐私意味着什么以及应该如何尊重隐私有着截然不同的看法，如果有误解，信任很容易被打破。主动对话是个好主意！请参考第 266-267 页关于隐私的讨论。

Bodies: What kind and how many

身体：哪种类型以及多少 (Bodies: What kind and how many)

Sex is real no matter what kind of body you have, and no matter how many people are doing it. All bodies are good bodies! Fat and skinny, disabled and nondisabled, tall and short, old and young, of every race and ethnic background, and across the entire spectrum of gender: People in all these groups have sex. You don’t need to look a certain way or be a certain type of person to enjoy sex.

无论你拥有什么样的身体，无论有多少人参与，性都是真实的。所有的身体都是好身体！胖的瘦的，残疾的和非残疾的，高的矮的，老的少的，各种种族和民族背景，以及跨越整个性别谱系：所有这些群体中的人都有性生活。你不需要长成某种样子或成为某种类型的人才能享受性。

Of course, desire is political. People in marginalized groups often report that they get fewer matches, hookups and dates than people from more privileged groups, and are more often fetishized for their attributes instead of seen as whole human beings. People’s specifications on dating apps may be racist, transphobic, ageist or fatphobic. And because of all this, people in some groups aren’t encouraged to even see themselves as sexy or potentially desirable at all. If that describes some of your experience, you’re not alone. You may want to read some tailored guides or other resources, listed at the back of this book, or take part in a supportive sex-positive community that’s focused on your particular intersections of experience.⁹ As well, women (trans and cis) are subjected to unrealistic beauty standards and impossible dichotomies (you’re either a prude or a slut!), while men (trans and cis) often must grapple with the ideals of toxic masculinity holding them to their own unrealistic standards of appearance and telling them they’re not supposed to have emotions, be gentle, feel responsive rather than spontaneous desire, or feel anything erotic anywhere but their genitals. No book is going to solve these many intersecting problems, but it’s still worth noting that taken together, pretty much everyone is subjected to one or more of these harmful frameworks. And yet, as that terrible early ’90s song goes, people are still having sex. You might be one of them—or you could be!

当然，欲望是政治性的。边缘化群体的人经常报告说，与享有更多特权群体的人相比，他们获得的匹配、勾搭和约会更少，而且经常因为他们的属性而被恋物化，而不是被视为完整的人。约会软件上人们的要求可能是种族主义的、恐跨的、年龄歧视的或肥胖歧视的。正因为如此，一些群体中的人甚至不被鼓励将自己视为性感的或有潜在吸引力的。如果这描述了你的一些经历，你并不孤单。你可能想阅读一些量身定制的指南或其他资源（列在本书后面），或者参与一个专注于你特定交叉经历的支持性性积极社区。⁹ 同样，女性（跨性别和顺性别）受到不切实际的审美标准和不可能的二分法（你要么是假正经，要么是荡妇！）的约束，而男性（跨性别和顺性别）通常必须应对有毒的男子气概理想，这些理想让他们遵守自己不切实际的外表标准，并告诉他们不应该有情绪、不应该温柔、不应该感受反应性欲望而是自发性欲望，或者除了生殖器外不应该在任何地方感到色情。没有一本书能解决这些众多的交叉问题，但仍然值得注意的是，总的来说，几乎每个人都受到一种或多种这些有害框架的影响。然而，正如那首糟糕的 90 年代早期歌曲所唱的那样，人们仍在做爱。你可能是其中之一——或者你可以是！

Solo sex, i.e., masturbation, is a great way to get to know your own body and what feels good. It can be entirely for your own pleasure, but it’s also very handy (ha!) for figuring out how to show or tell a partner what you like. You may also explore written or visual erotica or porn to help figure out what turns you on, or use sex toys to experience sensations that you can’t get from just your hands.

独自性爱，即自慰，是了解自己身体和什么感觉好的好方法。它可以完全为了你自己的快乐，但在弄清楚如何向伴侣展示或告诉他们你喜欢什么方面也非常方便（哈！）。你也可以探索书面或视觉色情作品来帮助弄清楚什么能让你兴奋，或者使用性玩具来体验仅靠双手无法获得的感觉。

Partnered sex with one other person can involve a huge range of practices. Maybe you’re doing long-distance sex when your partner isn’t in the room with you (sexting, phone sex, video calls or more). Maybe you’re in person, but masturbating across the room from each other or connecting through a shared fetish or kink activity that doesn’t require you to take your clothes off. Or maybe you’re naked and touching each other, which may include mutual masturbation, oral sex, penetration of various orifices or any number of other fun things. It all counts. Unfortunately, a lot of people are taught that the only “real” sex is the kind that involves a penis going into a vagina. That’s totally untrue—just for starters, that definition excludes many kinds of sex that queer people have!—and it can really get in the way of pleasure. For example, if a cis man is not able to get an erection, does that mean he can’t have sex? Not in the least! He can stimulate his partner in tons of other ways (fingers, hands, mouth, toys) and receive pleasure too. Similarly, if a person who likes to be penetrated isn’t able to for whatever reason (temporary or chronic pain, disability, symptoms of illness or menopause, and so on), that doesn’t mean the end of sex. It just means they need to find workarounds and get creative.

与另一个人进行的伴侣性爱可能涉及各种各样的做法。也许当你的伴侣不在房间里时，你们在进行远程性爱（色情短信、电话性爱、视频通话等等）。也许你们面对面，但在房间两端各自自慰，或者通过不需要脱衣服的共同恋物或性癖活动进行连接。或者也许你们赤身裸体互相抚摸，这可能包括相互自慰、口交、插入各种孔洞或任何其他有趣的事情。这都算数。不幸的是，许多人被教导说唯一“真正的”性爱是涉及阴茎插入阴道的那种。这完全是不真实的——首先，这个定义排除了酷儿们进行的许多种性爱！——而且这真的会妨碍快乐。例如，如果一个顺性别男性无法勃起，这是否意味着他不能做爱？一点也不！他可以用成吨的其他方式（手指、手、嘴、玩具）刺激他的伴侣，并也能获得快乐。同样，如果一个喜欢被插入的人因为任何原因（暂时或慢性疼痛、残疾、疾病症状或更年期等等）而无法进行，这并不意味着性爱的结束。这只是意味着他们需要找到变通方法并发挥创造力。

None of this is particular to nonmonogamy, of course. But when you’re nonmonogamous, it does help to expand your idea of what sex is, and what it can be to you, because the presence of more than one partner in your life may present you with new sexual situations that don’t follow the patterns you’re familiar with. Also, we’re all only temporarily able-bodied, and we’re all aging, so our bodies can and will change over time. To maintain robust and enthusiastic sexual connections over time, we can all stand to do a little rethinking of what counts, and what we can do to give and receive pleasure.

当然，这都不是非单偶制特有的。但当你是非单偶制者时，扩展你对性是什么以及它对你意味着什么的看法确实有帮助，因为生活中不止一个伴侣可能会给你带来不遵循你熟悉模式的新性爱情况。此外，我们都只是暂时身体健全，而且我们都在变老，所以我们的身体可以并且将会随着时间的推移而改变。为了长期保持强健和热情的性连接，我们都可以重新思考一下什么算数，以及我们可以做些什么来给予和接受快乐。

Group sex is, in some ways, the classic nonmonogamous sexual experience. Justin Lehmiller from the Kinsey Institute surveyed over four thousand people for his book Tell Me What You Want and found that the single most popular fantasy was multi-partner sex, whether threesomes, foursomes or more. In fact, at least 85 percent of his respondents said it was one of their fantasies!¹⁰ So if this is something you’re interested in, you’ve got plenty of company. But of course, that doesn’t in any way make it mandatory just because you’re exploring nonmonogamy. It might not be your thing at all, and that’s okay! Group sex works best when everyone’s into it—which shouldn’t need to be said, but unfortunately, sometimes one partner really wants to experiment with it and another one goes along to please them. That can work out, but it can also be disastrous. If you’re looking to engage in group sex with an established partner, it’s worth having some pretty in-depth conversations ahead of time about your fears, desires, expectations and boundaries so that you can best enjoy the experience. Of course, you’ll want to negotiate the basics with the additional person or people you engage with, too. There are some really cringey (and shockingly homophobic) threesome guides out there, but Stella Harris’s book The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes is a good one if you’re looking for an overview.¹¹

在某种程度上，群交是经典的非单偶制性体验。金赛研究所的贾斯汀·莱米勒 (Justin Lehmiller) 为他的书《告诉我你想要什么》(Tell Me What You Want) 调查了四千多人，发现最受欢迎的幻想是多伴侣性爱，无论是三人行、四人行还是更多。事实上，至少 85% 的受访者说这是他们的幻想之一！¹⁰ 所以如果这是你感兴趣的事情，你有很多同伴。但这当然并不意味着仅仅因为你在探索非单偶制，这就变成了强制性的。它可能根本不是你的菜，那也没关系！当每个人都投入其中时，群交效果最好——这本不该说，但不幸的是，有时一个伴侣真的想尝试，而另一个伴侣为了取悦他们而顺从。这可能会成功，但也可能是灾难性的。如果你想与既定伴侣进行群交，值得提前就你的恐惧、欲望、期望和界限进行一些相当深入的对话，以便你能最好地享受这种体验。当然，你也需要与你接触的其他人协商基本事项。市面上有一些真的令人尴尬（且令人震惊地恐同）的三人行指南，但如果你想找个概览，斯特拉·哈里斯 (Stella Harris) 的书《三人行终极指南》(The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes) 是本不错的书。¹¹

No matter what kind of sex you’re having or want to have, it helps to know your boundaries and communicate clearly with your partners about your desires and how you want to manage the risks that come with your chosen activities.

无论你在进行或想要进行什么样的性爱，了解你的界限并与你的伴侣清楚地沟通你的欲望以及你想如何管理随你选择的活动而来的风险都是有帮助的。

Risk assessment

风险评估 (Risk assessment)

Fact: You are terrible at objectively assessing risk. So are we, and so is everyone you’re likely to meet. Our brains are poor at evaluating real risk vs. perceived risk. We fear riding in airplanes, but get into cars, which are a more dangerous way to travel, without a second thought. Our emotional assessment of risk is strongly skewed toward spectacular but unlikely scenarios (sharks!) and biased away from situations where we feel a sense of control (lighting a match). Our brains are also terrible at understanding probability, which leads us to irrational decisions. For example, if you drive 15 kilometres to buy a lottery ticket, you are far more likely to be killed in a car crash getting there than to win the lottery. Furthermore, research has demonstrated that our perception of risk is collective; it relies more on the particular social group we are part of than on the actual level of risk.

事实：你在客观评估风险方面很糟糕。我们也是，你可能遇到的每个人也是。我们的大脑不善于评估真实风险与感知风险。我们害怕坐飞机，却不假思索地坐进汽车，而汽车是一种更危险的旅行方式。我们对风险的情感评估强烈偏向于壮观但不太可能发生的场景（鲨鱼！），并偏离我们感到有控制感的情况（划火柴）。我们的大脑也很难理解概率，这导致我们做出非理性的决定。例如，如果你开车 15 公里去买彩票，你在去那里的路上死于车祸的可能性远大于中彩票的可能性。此外，研究表明，我们对风险的感知是集体的；它更多地依赖于我们所属的特定社会群体，而不是实际的风险水平。

This inability to assess risk applies just as strongly to sexual health as to anything else in our lives. We fear AIDS but not hepatitis, even though hepatitis is more common and kills more people worldwide every year. Add to that the stigma associated with sexual health, and it’s no surprise that realistic assessment of sexually transmitted infection (STI) risk is difficult. We tend to treat someone who has had gonorrhea very differently than someone who has had strep throat, even though both are bacterial infections that are sometimes antibiotic-resistant, sometimes dangerous, but generally treatable.

这种无法评估风险的能力同样强烈地适用于性健康，就像适用于我们生活中的其他任何事情一样。我们害怕艾滋病但不害怕肝炎，尽管肝炎更常见且每年在全世界导致更多人死亡。加上与性健康相关的污名，对性传播感染 (STI) 风险进行现实评估很困难也就不足为奇了。我们对待淋病患者的方式往往与对待链球菌性咽喉炎患者截然不同，尽管两者都是细菌感染，有时具有抗生素耐药性，有时很危险，但通常是可以治疗的。

Many people react with horror to a disclosure that someone has something common like herpes. Many people say, “I would never even consider a partner with herpes!” even though, ironically, perhaps half (or more) of the people who say that actually have herpes themselves and just don’t know it. Depending on where you live in the world, anywhere from 50 to 90 percent of the population has HSV-1 (typically oral herpes) or HSV-2 (typically genital herpes), but the vast majority of those people are not aware they have it. Many of these people are asymptomatic or have one outbreak, easily missed, and never have an outbreak again.

许多人对某人患有像疱疹这样常见疾病的披露感到恐惧。许多人说，“我甚至永远不会考虑有疱疹的伴侣！”尽管讽刺的是，说这话的人中可能有一半（或更多）自己实际上就有疱疹，只是不知道而已。取决于你住在世界何处，50% 到 90% 的人口患有 HSV-1（通常是口腔疱疹）或 HSV-2（通常是生殖器疱疹），但这些人中的绝大多数并未意识到自己患有此病。这些人中的许多人是无症状的，或者发作过一次，很容易被忽视，然后再也没有发作过。

In another example of perceptions versus reality, people often see kink as being a grab bag of high-risk practices—so much so that BDSM communities over time, in their own defense, have evolved a strong emphasis on teaching and promoting risk awareness, safety techniques, communication tools (such as safewords) and political messaging to mitigate the stigma associated with the idea that kink is dangerous. While BDSM practices come with real risks that must be taken seriously, many of the most popular ones aren’t high-risk at all. For instance, you would have to work very hard to do major physical damage to a person with a spanking, a flogging or a boot worship scene, or by wearing most fetish gear. Such practices don’t come with risks of STI transmission or pregnancy; they’re not even as dangerous as most team sports. You might experience some bruising. Meanwhile, penis-in-vagina sex comes with the risk of both STI transmission and pregnancy, each of which can have lifelong consequences or even, in some cases, lead to death—but how often do you hear people suggest that anyone who’s into PIV sex is a dangerous weirdo who should be avoided?

在感知与现实对比的另一个例子中，人们经常将性癖视为高风险行为的大杂烩——以至于随着时间的推移，BDSM 社区为了自卫，发展出了强调教学和推广风险意识、安全技巧、沟通工具（如安全词）和政治信息的强大重点，以减轻与性癖危险观念相关的污名。虽然 BDSM 实践伴随着必须认真对待的真实风险，但许多最流行的做法根本不是高风险的。例如，通过打屁股、鞭打或舔靴场景，或穿着大多数恋物装备，你要非常努力才能对一个人造成重大的身体伤害。这些做法没有性传播感染或怀孕的风险；它们甚至不如大多数团队运动危险。你可能会有些淤青。与此同时，阴茎插入阴道的性行为伴随着性传播感染和怀孕的风险，每一种都可能有终生的后果，甚至在某些情况下导致死亡——但你多久听到一次人们建议任何喜欢 PIV 性行为的人都是应该避开的危险怪人？

In a third example, choking is a practice that kink communities recognize as quite dangerous, so much so that it’s been the source of acrimonious debate for decades with no clear resolution. Some BDSM educators say it should never be done at all, while others insist that taking a harm reduction approach is better than simply banning it at kink gatherings. Few deny that it’s one of the ways a person can quickly kill or injure someone by accident, even if they’re being watchful. (In Victoria, Canada, where Eve works as an emergency sexual assault response volunteer, choking is one of very few scenarios in which a visit to the hospital is mandatory.) But in the last decade, choking has become a stock element in mainstream porn, and from there has made its way into hookup culture and college-age dating—one article refers to it as a “Gen Z hookup trend.”¹² And even when both participants agree that it was consensual, they acknowledge it’s often done without any negotiation beforehand, or any knowledge at all about safety or risk.

在第三个例子中，窒息是性癖社区公认为相当危险的做法，以至于几十年来一直是激烈辩论的源头，没有明确的解决方案。一些 BDSM 教育者说根本就不应该做，而另一些人坚持认为采取减少伤害的方法比简单地在性癖聚会上禁止它要好。很少有人否认这是一个人可能意外迅速杀死或伤害某人的方式之一，即使他们很警惕。（在加拿大维多利亚，伊芙作为紧急性侵犯响应志愿者工作的地方，窒息是极少数必须去医院的情况之一。）但在过去十年里，窒息已成为主流色情片中的常见元素，并从那里进入了勾搭文化和大学时代的约会——一篇文章将其称为“Z 世代勾搭趋势”。¹² 即使双方都同意这是自愿的，他们也承认这通常是在没有任何事先协商，或对安全或风险没有任何了解的情况下进行的。

On top of our skewed perceptions about the risks of specific practices or of specific STIs, our emotional perception of risk makes us likely to rate risk higher when we have no direct benefit from it than when we do. This means that you’re likely to feel more afraid when a partner has other sexual partners than when you have other sexual partners yourself, even if the risk profile is the same, and even though you have an extra degree of separation from your partner’s sexual partners.

除了我们对特定做法或特定 STI 风险的偏颇认知之外，我们对风险的情感感知使我们更有可能在没有直接从中受益时比有受益时将风险评定得更高。这意味着，当伴侣有其他性伴侣时，你可能会比你自己有其他性伴侣时感到更害怕，即使风险状况相同，即使你与伴侣的性伴侣之间多了一层隔离。

Like driving a car or climbing a ladder, there is no way to guarantee sex will be absolutely safe. Even if previously celibate people start a totally monogamous relationship, that is not a guarantee. Many nominally sexually transmitted infections, including herpes and human papillomavirus (HPV), are often transmitted nonsexually as well. For example, more people contract herpes 1 (often expressed as oral cold sores) by nonsexual means than by sexual means, usually during childhood. And by far the riskiest infection today, in terms of prevalence and likelihood of long-term damage, is COVID-19, which is transmitted in a wide variety of social (and sexual) situations, and which, regrettably, few people anymore take even the most nominal measures to prevent or negotiate around.

就像开车或爬梯子一样，没有办法保证性爱绝对安全。即使以前禁欲的人开始一段完全单偶制的关系，这也不是保证。许多名义上的性传播感染，包括疱疹和人乳头瘤病毒 (HPV)，通常也通过非性方式传播。例如，通过非性方式感染 1 型疱疹（通常表现为口腔唇疱疹）的人比通过性方式感染的人多，通常是在儿童时期。就流行程度和造成长期损害的可能性而言，目前风险最大的感染是 COVID-19，它在各种各样的社交（和性）场合传播，令人遗憾的是，现在很少有人采取哪怕是最名义上的措施来预防或协商。

Given that sex carries some degree of risk, the real question isn’t “How can we be totally safe?” but rather “What level of risk is acceptable?” Different people have very different answers.

鉴于性行为带有一定程度的风险，真正的问题不是“我们如何才能绝对安全？”而是“什么程度的风险是可以接受的？”不同的人有非常不同的答案。

Negotiating risk tolerance

协商风险承受能力 (Negotiating risk tolerance)

When talking about safer-sex boundaries and risk tolerance, remember there’s no one right answer. Everyone’s threshold of acceptable risk is different, and people use different metrics for assessing risk. For example, if you have a compromised immune system, you might be very conservative with risk-taking concerning sexually and nonsexually transmitted infections. The same might be true if you’re a single parent or living on a low income and have to reduce the likelihood of getting ill as much as you possibly can, because you don’t have much of a financial cushion or the ability to take time off work. Or maybe you’ve had a previous experience of being seriously ill and have vowed to never repeat it if you have any say in the matter.

在谈论安全性行为界限和风险承受能力时，请记住没有唯一的正确答案。每个人可接受的风险阈值都不同，人们使用不同的指标来评估风险。例如，如果你免疫系统受损，你可能在性传播和非性传播感染的风险承担方面非常保守。如果你是单亲父母或低收入者，必须尽可能降低生病的可能性，因为你没有太多的经济缓冲或请假的能力，情况可能也是如此。或者也许你有过重病的经历，并发誓如果能做主就绝不重蹈覆辙。

Everyone must decide on the degree of physical risk they are willing to accept in their own sex and relationship lives. This decision is an important part of acting with agency. Each person is responsible for protecting their own health, and that includes making decisions about what risks they will accept. Part of that decision will be emotional, and that’s okay.

每个人都必须决定他们在自己的性和关系生活中愿意接受的身体风险程度。这个决定是行使代理权的重要组成部分。每个人都要负责保护自己的健康，这包括决定他们将接受哪些风险。这个决定的一部分将是情感上的，这没关系。

Just as you have the right to choose your own level of acceptable risk, so do others. Shaming other people for their choices is not good behaviour. This includes shaming people for making choices that are not only more conservative than yours, but also less conservative. It’s fine to choose not to be involved with someone whose risk threshold is higher than yours, but that doesn’t make such a person untrustworthy, reckless or foolish. When you contribute to the stigma surrounding sexual choices and STIs, it’s actively harmful. Shame is one of the key factors that prevents people from seeking out testing and treatment, so the less shaming you do, the more likely people around you will take better care of their health.

就像你有权选择自己可接受的风险水平一样，其他人也有权。因为别人的选择而羞辱他们不是好的行为。这包括羞辱那些做出不仅比你保守，而且比你更不保守的选择的人。选择不与风险阈值比你高的人交往是可以的，但这并不意味着那样的人不值得信任、鲁莽或愚蠢。当你助长围绕性选择和 STI 的污名时，这是在积极地造成伤害。羞耻感是阻碍人们寻求检测和治疗的关键因素之一，所以你越少羞辱别人，你周围的人就越有可能更好地照顾自己的健康。

Fluid bonding: It’s not a thing

体液结合：这不是个东西 (Fluid bonding: It’s not a thing)

One idea you’re likely to come across in nonmonogamous circles is that of the fluid bond. Essentially, the idea is that once you’ve all shared STI test results and discussed risks and so on, you might agree to have unbarriered sex with one or more partners (meaning you don’t use condoms, dental dams or gloves), creating a “bond” that allows you to share bodily fluids without worry among yourselves. To maintain that worry-free zone, you all agree to use protection with others with whom you are not fluid bonded.

在非单偶制圈子里，你很可能会遇到的一个概念是体液结合 (fluid bond)。本质上，这个想法是，一旦你们都分享了 STI 检测结果并讨论了风险等等，你们可能会同意与一个或多个伴侣进行无保护性行为（意味着你们不使用避孕套、口交膜或手套），从而创造一种“结合”，允许你们在彼此之间无忧无虑地分享体液。为了维持这个无忧区，你们都同意与未建立体液结合的其他人使用保护措施。

Unfortunately, while it’s a popular concept, fluid bonding is not a scientific concept. Why? A bunch of reasons! To begin with, it’s based on the kind of advice that doctors often give to patients based on assumed monogamy: the idea that once you’ve settled down in a stable partnership, you’re only dealing with two people’s bodies, fluids and behaviours. But even monogamous people transmit STIs to each other. Even if two people who’ve never had sex before decide to become a monogamous pair and stay that way for life, they may each bring in viruses that are transmissible by sexual means. And how many of us show up in a monogamous relationship with zero previous sexual experience? It’s vanishingly rare today.

不幸的是，虽然这是一个流行的概念，但体液结合并不是一个科学概念。为什么？原因很多！首先，它是基于医生通常基于假设的单偶制给病人的那种建议：即一旦你在稳定的伴侣关系中安定下来，你就只在处理两个人的身体、体液和行为。但即使是单偶制的人也会互相传播 STI。即使两个从未有过性行为的人决定结成单偶制伴侣并终身保持这种状态，他们每个人都可能带入可通过性途径传播的病毒。而且我们中有多少人在单偶制关系中出现时是零性经验的？这在今天极其罕见。

Next, many STIs are transmitted in ways that don’t involve bodily fluids. For example, genital warts spread via skin-to-skin contact, so using barriers offers only partial protection unless those barriers cover the entire genital area—which condoms and dental dams don’t. In another example, mpox also spreads via skin-to-skin contact, often around the genitals, but also any other skin. When mpox outbreaks began to occur in North America in 2022, they hit gay men’s communities in particular—but some guys contracted it without having sex, simply from spending time at bars where people brushed against each other in close quarters. Outbreaks occurred in elementary school classrooms for that same reason.

其次，许多 STI 的传播方式不涉及体液。例如，生殖器疣通过皮肤接触传播，所以除非屏障覆盖整个生殖器区域——避孕套和口交膜做不到——否则使用屏障只能提供部分保护。另一个例子是，猴痘也通过皮肤接触传播，通常在生殖器周围，但也包括任何其他皮肤。当 2022 年北美开始爆发猴痘疫情时，它特别袭击了男同性恋社区——但有些人在没有发生性关系的情况下感染了它，仅仅是因为在酒吧里人们在狭窄的空间里互相摩擦。出于同样的原因，小学教室里也爆发了疫情。

Third, getting a slate of negative STI tests doesn’t guarantee that you have zero STIs. Your doctor will likely recommend what to test for based on what “risk groups” you belong to—and even if you ask, some insurance won’t cover certain tests outside those risk groups. For example, in many places it’s not recommended to test for HPV in people under 30 or who don’t have a cervix, in part because HPV is common and often goes away on its own. There is also a range of less common STIs, as well as ones for which tests are not routinely conducted or for which testing is not always of great practical use. For example, a herpes swab might (but won’t always) tell you if a sore you have is caused by a herpes virus, but that doesn’t help if you don’t have any sores; many people are asymptomatic. You can get a herpes blood test, which might (but won’t always) tell you if you’ve been exposed to the virus, but the blood test can’t tell you if a specific sore you have is caused by herpes, and you can transmit the virus even if you never have a sore anywhere.¹³

第三，获得一系列阴性的 STI 检测结果并不能保证你没有 STI。你的医生可能会根据你所属的“风险群体”建议检测什么——即使你要求，有些保险也不会承保那些风险群体之外的某些检测。例如，在许多地方，不建议对 30 岁以下或没有宫颈的人进行 HPV 检测，部分原因是 HPV 很常见且通常会自行消失。还有一系列不太常见的 STI，以及不常规进行检测的 STI，或者检测并不总是有很大实际用途的 STI。例如，疱疹拭子可能（但并不总是）告诉你你的疮是否由疱疹病毒引起，但这如果你没有任何疮就没有帮助；许多人是无症状的。你可以进行疱疹血液检测，这可能（但并不总是）告诉你是否接触过该病毒，但血液检测无法告诉你特定的疮是否由疱疹引起，而且即使你从未在任何地方长过疮，你也可能传播该病毒。¹³

Lastly, fluid bonding doesn’t take into account the three elements involved in STI transmission: the virus in question, the bodily fluid in question, and the specific behaviours you engage in. For example, the insertive and receptive partners in anal sex are at very different degrees of risk for HIV transmission. And it’s easier to transmit hepatitis C through blood than through sexual fluids, meaning you’re more likely to catch it from borrowing someone’s razor than from engaging in oral sex with them—but razor-sharing isn’t usually part of the fluid bonding discussion.

最后，体液结合没有考虑到涉及 STI 传播的三个要素：相关的病毒、相关的体液以及你从事的具体行为。例如，肛交中的插入方和接受方在 HIV 传播风险程度上有很大不同。而且丙型肝炎通过血液传播比通过性液传播更容易，这意味着你借用别人的剃须刀比通过与他们进行口交更容易感染——但共用剃须刀通常不是体液结合讨论的一部分。

Beyond all this, consider also that fluid bonding won’t protect you from other kinds of viruses that also transmit between people in close contact—everything from the common cold to COVID-19, which you can share by breathing each other’s air. As we well know at this point, common airborne viruses can inflict lasting harm and even be deadly. It’s entirely possible to fully respect a fluid bond, but still pick up a virus at the grocery store that can have devastating consequences for your whole polycule.

除此之外，还要考虑体液结合无法保护你免受其他类型的病毒侵害，这些病毒也会在密切接触的人之间传播——从普通感冒到 COVID-19，你们可以通过呼吸彼此的空气来分享。众所周知，常见的空气传播病毒会造成持久伤害甚至致命。完全有可能在充分尊重体液结合的同时，在杂货店感染病毒，从而对整个多边关系网络造成毁灭性后果。

None of this is meant to discourage you from coming up with agreements about safer sex that make sense between you and your partners. Rather, we want to encourage you to get really comfortable researching the risks involved in your practices, asking your doctor about them, getting the right tests for you, and coming to agreements with your partners armed with a full slate of information (more about all this shortly). That includes not only discussions about safer sex, but also about safer practices with regard to airborne viruses and anything else that could affect your health as a pair or as a group.

这并不是要阻止你与伴侣达成有意义的安全性行为协议。相反，我们想鼓励你真正习惯于研究你做法中涉及的风险，向你的医生咨询，进行适合你的检测，并在掌握全面信息的情况下与你的伴侣达成协议（稍后会有更多相关内容）。这不仅包括关于安全性行为的讨论，还包括关于空气传播病毒以及任何可能影响你们作为一对或一个群体健康的其他更安全做法的讨论。

Beyond that, we also think it’s important to acknowledge that no matter how thorough and careful you are, there’s still a chance you’ll be surprised by an unexpected diagnosis. Viruses don’t judge, they just replicate. It feels really personal when you’re sick, but it’s totally not personal to them—not laden with value judgments, and not targeted because of anyone being “bad” or “good.” The more you and your partners can take a cue from them and simply try to deal with the reality that we all coexist with viruses, the better you’ll be able to protect yourselves and each other without judgment, and take care of each other with kindness when your best efforts fail.

除此之外，我们还认为重要的是要承认，无论你多么彻底和小心，仍然有可能因意外的诊断而感到惊讶。病毒不评判，它们只是复制。当你生病时，感觉真的很针对个人，但对它们来说完全不是针对个人的——不带有价值判断，也不是因为任何人是“坏”或“好”而成为目标。你和你的伴侣越能从它们那里得到启示，并简单地尝试应对我们都与病毒共存这一现实，你们就越能在不评判的情况下保护自己和彼此，并在你们尽最大努力仍失败时善待彼此。

Wonderful and worrying developments in the STI world

STI 世界中令人惊喜和担忧的发展

The last ten to fifteen years have seen some radical new developments in the world of STI prevention and treatment. Here are a few major examples.

在过去十到十五年里，STI 预防和治疗领域出现了一些激进的新发展。以下是几个主要例子。

• The HPV vaccine, which prevents multiple strains of genital warts, was first released in 2006. Originally it was recommended for girls and young women up to age 26, but today it’s also recommended for boys and young men in that same range, and is available and considered worthwhile for everyone up to age 45. Since its release, the vaccine has reduced the instance of the HPV types that cause most HPV-related cancers and genital warts by over 80 percent among teen girls and young women. These same vaccines prevent over 70 percent of head and neck cancers.¹⁴

• A new class of hepatitis C medicines known as direct-acting antivirals was introduced in 2011. Today, these medications can cure more than 90 percent of people in a span of eight to twelve weeks, without the debilitating side effects of the older types of treatments. From its discovery in 1989, hepatitis C now holds the distinction of being the fastest viral disease ever to be identified and cured. It is also the only chronic viral illness that can be completely cured.¹⁵

• In 2016, the U = U campaign was launched by an international organization known as Prevention Access Campaign, or PAC. U = U stands for “undetectable = untransmittable,” and it refers to the fact that when someone who is HIV positive is taking appropriate treatment, their viral load can become so low that it’s undetectable on a test, and at that point, it’s also not possible for them to transmit HIV.¹⁶

• Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), an HIV preventative medication that can be taken orally or by injection, has become widely available. Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) has also become widely available. This is a month-long, anti-HIV preventative emergency medication regime that must begin within 72 hours (three days) after possible HIV exposure. Both are effective at preventing HIV infection.¹⁷

• HPV 疫苗于 2006 年首次发布，可预防多种生殖器疣菌株。最初建议 26 岁以下的女孩和年轻女性接种，但今天也建议同年龄段的男孩和年轻男性接种，并且对于 45 岁以下的所有人来说都是可用的且值得接种的。自发布以来，该疫苗使少女和年轻女性中导致大多数 HPV 相关癌症和生殖器疣的 HPV 类型发病率降低了 80% 以上。这些疫苗还可以预防 70% 以上的头颈癌。¹⁴

• 一类名为直接抗病毒药物的新型丙型肝炎药物于 2011 年推出。如今，这些药物可以在 8 到 12 周内治愈 90% 以上的人，而且没有旧疗法的衰弱副作用。从 1989 年被发现以来，丙型肝炎现在是有史以来被识别和治愈速度最快的病毒性疾病。它也是唯一可以完全治愈的慢性病毒性疾病。¹⁵

• 2016 年，国际组织预防获取运动 (Prevention Access Campaign, PAC) 发起了 U = U 运动。U = U 代表“测不到 = 传不了”(undetectable = untransmittable)，指的是当 HIV 阳性者接受适当治疗时，其病毒载量可以降低到检测不到的水平，此时，他们也不可能传播 HIV。¹⁶

• 暴露前预防 (PrEP) 是一种可以口服或注射的 HIV 预防药物，已广泛普及。暴露后预防 (PEP) 也已广泛普及。这是一种为期一个月的抗 HIV 预防性紧急药物治疗方案，必须在可能接触 HIV 后 72 小时（三天）内开始。两者都能有效预防 HIV 感染。¹⁷

These developments are astonishing, and have saved countless lives. The news isn’t all good, though. Just for starters, access to these preventative medications and vaccines is, of course, not universal. Inequities in health care access remain entrenched in many areas of the world, including the United States and Canada. For example, some vaccines are only available if you pay out of pocket, and costs can be prohibitive for some people. Here are some other negative developments:

这些发展令人惊讶，并挽救了无数生命。不过，并非全是好消息。首先，获得这些预防性药物和疫苗的机会当然不是普遍的。医疗保健获取方面的不平等在世界许多地区仍然根深蒂固，包括美国和加拿大。例如，有些疫苗只有自费才能接种，费用对某些人来说可能令人望而却步。以下是一些其他负面发展：

• In 2022, the World Health Organization (WHO) reported that the United States and Canada, among others, have seen an increase in at least three STIs: syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia.¹⁸

• The WHO further noted increasing outbreaks of “non-classical STIs,” meaning illnesses that are spread by a range of means including sexual contact, such as Shigella sonnei, hepatitis A, Neisseria meningitidis, Zika and Ebola. The WHO also reported a re-emergence of what they call “neglected STIs,” such as lymphogranuloma venereum (LGV) and Mycoplasma genitalium.

• Also in 2022, there was a sudden new spread of mpox outbreaks in major North American cities, chiefly but not exclusively among men who had sexual contact with one another.

• The WHO is also concerned about increasing antimicrobial resistance in Neisseria gonorrhoea and Mycoplasma genitalium, meaning that treatment options may become less effective and more limited.

• And again, let’s not forget COVID-19, which is among the many illnesses transmitted in ways well beyond sexual contact but that certainly include sexual contact. Acute infection is still dangerous, particularly to people who haven’t kept up with vaccinations. Today, nearly 12 percent of the Canadian population is coping with long COVID symptoms, meaning symptoms that endure three or more months after infection,¹⁹ and many thousands of people are dealing with severe, life-altering disability. COVID-19 isn’t considered an STI, but it certainly affects a lot of people’s sex lives!

• 2022 年，世界卫生组织 (WHO) 报告称，美国和加拿大等国至少三种 STI 有所增加：梅毒、淋病和衣原体感染。¹⁸

• 世卫组织进一步指出，“非典型 STI”爆发增加，指通过包括性接触在内的多种途径传播的疾病，如宋内志贺菌、甲型肝炎、脑膜炎奈瑟菌、寨卡病毒和埃博拉病毒。世卫组织还报告了他们所谓的“被忽视的 STI”的重新出现，如性病性淋巴肉芽肿 (LGV) 和生殖支原体。

• 同样在 2022 年，北美主要城市突然爆发了新的猴痘疫情，主要但不限于在男男性行为者中传播。

• 世卫组织还担心淋球菌和生殖支原体的抗菌素耐药性增加，这意味着治疗选择可能会变得不那么有效和更加有限。

• 再一次，别忘了 COVID-19，它是通过远远超出性接触的方式传播的许多疾病之一，但肯定包括性接触。急性感染仍然很危险，特别是对那些没有坚持接种疫苗的人来说。如今，近 12% 的加拿大人口正在应对长新冠症状，即感染后持续三个月或更长时间的症状，¹⁹ 成千上万的人正在应对严重的、改变生活的残疾。COVID-19 不被视为 STI，但它肯定影响了许多人的性生活！

Considering how quickly STI information can change—whether we’re talking about new forms of prevention and treatment or new or resurgent STIs to be concerned about—we don’t feel that it makes sense to give you a detailed rundown of STI-related information in this book. (Most of the developments above have happened in the ten years since the first edition of this book was published. Who knows what will happen in the next ten!) Instead, we urge you to take a proactive approach to your health in three ways: keeping up to date on the latest scientific research, working with your health care provider to make sure you get appropriate vaccinations and tests based on your practices and the risks that come with them, and practising safer sex with your partners based on ongoing conversations with them about your practices and their associated risks.

考虑到 STI 信息变化之快——无论我们谈论的是预防和治疗的新形式，还是需要关注的新出现或死灰复燃的 STI——我们觉得在本书中给你一份详细的 STI 相关信息清单是没有意义的。（以上大部分发展都发生在本书第一版出版后的十年里。谁知道接下来的十年会发生什么！）相反，我们敦促你在三个方面采取积极主动的健康措施：及时了解最新的科学研究；与你的医疗保健提供者合作，确保你根据你的做法及随之而来的风险获得适当的疫苗接种和检测；以及根据与你的伴侣就你的做法及其相关风险进行的持续对话，与他们进行更安全的性行为。

STAYING UP TO DATE

保持更新 (STAYING UP TO DATE)

When we advise you to do your own research, we don’t mean going down conspiracy-theory rabbit holes based on social media memes. Rather, we’re talking about making a habit of checking a few trusted websites regularly. In Canada, a good source of STI information is CATIE (catie.ca), essentially a clearinghouse for the latest research that aims to disseminate information to health care providers and the general public. You can also check searchable government databases of disease prevention and treatment information, such as the Public Health Agency of Canada (canada.ca/en/public-health/services/diseases.html), the Centers for Disease Control in the United States (cdc.gov/health-topics.html), and others. Planned Parenthood (plannedparenthood.org) and Scarleteen (scarleteen.com/) are also great sources of sexual health and wellness information more generally. Your local sexual health clinic may have an informative website, too.

当我们建议你自己做研究时，我们并不是指基于社交媒体迷因陷入阴谋论的兔子洞。相反，我们说的是养成定期检查几个值得信赖网站的习惯。在加拿大，STI 信息的一个好来源是 CATIE (catie.ca)，本质上是一个最新研究的交流中心，旨在向医疗保健提供者和公众传播信息。你还可以查看可搜索的政府疾病预防和治疗信息数据库，例如加拿大公共卫生署 (canada.ca/en/public-health/services/diseases.html)、美国疾病控制中心 (cdc.gov/health-topics.html) 等。计划生育协会 (plannedparenthood.org) 和 Scarleteen (scarleteen.com/) 也是更广泛的性健康和保健信息的绝佳来源。你当地的性健康诊所可能也有一个信息丰富的网站。

You don’t need to become a researcher or start reading medical journals (unless you want to!). But trust that a lot of progressive organizations are on a mission to help people make good choices about their sexual health and are doing incredible work to get information out there in a way that’s accessible and useful for the general public. All you have to do is seek it out.

你不需要成为一名研究人员或开始阅读医学期刊（除非你想！）。但请相信，许多进步组织肩负着帮助人们就性健康做出明智选择的使命，并且正在做着令人难以置信的工作，以一种对公众来说易于获取和有用的方式发布信息。你所要做的就是去寻找它。

WORKING WITH YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

与你的医疗保健提供者合作 (WORKING WITH YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER)

Accessing good health care is becoming increasingly difficult in Canada, and has long been a challenge in the United States. Whether it’s under-funded and short-staffed public health services or overpriced private ones, sometimes the barriers may seem insurmountable. It’s also been clearly established that marginalized people are often treated very poorly in health care settings—including Black people, Indigenous people, people of colour, people with disabilities, people with addictions and mental illnesses, queer people, poor people, fat people, women, kinky people, sex workers, and anyone with invisible disabilities or rare or episodic symptoms. The specific flavours of mistreatment vary from group to group, but in all cases, members of these groups encounter barriers that more privileged people do not. It’s also an especially scary and difficult time for trans people, who are often misgendered, denied care or even criminalized for seeking it in some jurisdictions these days. If you experience any of this when you need health care services, all we can say is that’s rotten, and lots of people are fighting hard to make it better. In the meantime, your self-education and prevention efforts—and the support of your partners—are all the more crucial, and you may want to make an extra effort to seek out health care services that are tailored to your specific needs and advertise themselves as friendly to nonmonogamous people as well as to people belonging to your specific demographics.

获得良好的医疗保健在加拿大变得越来越困难，在美国长期以来一直是一个挑战。无论是资金不足、人手短缺的公共卫生服务，还是价格过高的私人服务，有时障碍似乎无法逾越。同样明确的是，边缘化人群在医疗保健环境中经常受到非常糟糕的对待——包括黑人、原住民、有色人种、残疾人、成瘾者和精神疾病患者、酷儿、穷人、肥胖者、女性、性癖者、性工作者，以及任何患有隐形残疾或罕见或发作性症状的人。虐待的具体形式因群体而异，但在所有情况下，这些群体的成员都会遇到更有特权的人不会遇到的障碍。对于跨性别者来说，这也是一个特别可怕和困难的时期，他们经常被错误地称呼性别、被拒绝护理，甚至在某些司法管辖区因寻求护理而被定罪。如果你在需要医疗保健服务时经历了任何这些，我们只能说那太糟糕了，很多人正在努力让情况变得更好。与此同时，你的自我教育和预防工作——以及你伴侣的支持——就显得尤为关键，你可能需要付出额外的努力去寻找适合你特定需求的医疗保健服务，并宣传自己对非单偶制者以及属于你特定人口统计数据的人友好。

If you have a family doctor or other regular health care provider, great! But even then, it’s no guarantee that they’re as open-minded as you might need them to be when it comes to your sexual practices, the number of partners you have and your needs for STI testing. This can play out for nonmonogamous people in many ways. Some health clinics, particularly in small towns, have been known to shame people who seek regular STI testing. Many nonmonogamous people do regular screening, yet there is a perception even among some health care professionals that testing is unnecessary for people in stable relationships. Organizations that focus on HIV and sexually transmitted and blood-borne illness education tend to have mandates centred on harm reduction, and have been fighting hard to dismantle stigma and shame for decades now, as well as to stop the criminalization of HIV non-disclosure. But it is an ongoing struggle despite major advances in the prevention and treatment of many STIs. You may need to get pushy to get your needs met.

如果你有家庭医生或其他常规医疗保健提供者，太好了！但即使那样，也不能保证他们在涉及你的性行为、伴侣数量和 STI 检测需求时会像你可能需要的那样思想开放。这对非单偶制者来说可能以多种方式表现出来。一些健康诊所，特别是在小城镇，众所周知会羞辱寻求定期 STI 检测的人。许多非单偶制者进行定期筛查，但甚至在一些医疗保健专业人员中也存在一种看法，即对于处于稳定关系中的人来说，检测是不必要的。专注于 HIV 以及性传播和血液传播疾病教育的组织往往以减少伤害为中心任务，并且几十年来一直努力消除污名和羞耻，以及停止将未披露 HIV 定罪。但尽管在许多 STI 的预防和治疗方面取得了重大进展，这仍然是一场持续的斗争。你可能需要咄咄逼人才能满足你的需求。

We believe it’s important to be open with your health care professional about being nonmonogamous, but at the same time, we recognize that some people in the medical community are prejudiced and judgmental about nontraditional relationships, so proceed with caution. You want to strike the balance between being open enough to get good advice and services, and holding whatever boundaries you need in order to feel emotionally safe in your doctor’s office.

我们认为对你的医疗保健专业人员公开你是非单偶制者很重要，但与此同时，我们认识到医学界有些人对非传统关系存在偏见和评判，所以请谨慎行事。你要在足够开放以获得好的建议和服务，与保持任何你需要的界限以在医生办公室感到情感安全之间取得平衡。

Wherever possible, if you encounter stigma or shaming from health care professionals, speak up. Tell them directly that their behaviour is inappropriate. If possible, consider filing a formal complaint, switching health care professionals, or both. The resources section of this book includes information on finding a nonmonogamy-friendly health professional.

如果在可能的情况下，如果你遇到医疗保健专业人员的污名化或羞辱，请大声说出来。直接告诉他们他们的行为是不恰当的。如果可能的话，考虑提出正式投诉，更换医疗保健专业人员，或者两者兼而有之。本书的资源部分包括关于寻找非单偶制友好健康专业人员的信息。

TALKING WITH YOUR PARTNERS AND PRACTISING SAFER SEX

与你的伴侣交谈并进行更安全的性行为 (TALKING WITH YOUR PARTNERS AND PRACTISING SAFER SEX)

In nonmonogamous circles, it’s common for people to be screened for STIs regularly, usually annually and whenever they are considering starting a new sexual relationship, and to talk about test results with a potential new partner before any activity that might involve fluid exchange.

在非单偶制圈子里，人们通常会定期进行 STI 筛查，通常是每年一次，以及每当他们考虑开始一段新的性关系时，并在进行任何可能涉及体液交换的活动之前与潜在的新伴侣讨论检测结果。

This approach makes a lot of sense in the context of dating and establishing new relationships. But if you’re involved in other types of sexual encounters, like casual hookups or bathhouses, you may need to lean more heavily into using barriers or being choosy about what acts you’ll engage in, and less toward having extensive discussions about sexual history, which don’t fit as easily into the available space and time or the degree of investment between any two people involved. You may also be a good candidate for PrEP. Your local HIV organization or sexual health clinic may provide good advice on safer sex in the context of hookups.

这种方法在约会和建立新关系的背景下很有意义。但如果你参与其他类型的性接触，如随意勾搭或浴室，你可能需要更多地依靠使用屏障或挑剔你将参与的行为，而不是进行广泛的性史讨论，因为后者不太容易融入可用空间和时间，也不太符合任何两个人之间的投入程度。你也可能是 PrEP 的合适人选。你当地的 HIV 组织或性健康诊所可能会提供关于勾搭背景下安全性行为的良好建议。

Just as some people are too embarrassed or ashamed to seek STI testing, some people see asking others about it, or being asked, as a mark of distrust. But it just means that you value your own health and the health of your partners highly as part of the way you love yourself and them. If you’re new to these kinds of conversations, it’s worth doing some work to get more comfortable with them, whether with a therapist, by practising with a friend, or just by taking a deep breath and diving in. It can be scary—but you can do it!

就像有些人太尴尬或羞愧而不去寻求 STI 检测一样，有些人认为询问别人或被询问是不信任的标志。但这只是意味着你高度重视你自己的健康和你伴侣的健康，这是你爱自己和他们的方式的一部分。如果你对这类对话很陌生，值得做一些工作来让自己对此更自在，无论是与治疗师一起，通过与朋友练习，还是仅仅深吸一口气然后投入其中。这可能很可怕——但你能做到！

Talk about what you’ve learned through your research and from speaking with your health care provider. Talk about what you like doing sexually already, what you want to try and what risks you think you might need to plan for. Talk about what feels like reasonable risk levels for everyone involved, and aim to accommodate the person who has the lowest tolerance.

谈谈你通过研究和与医疗保健提供者交谈学到了什么。谈谈你已经在性方面喜欢做什么，你想尝试什么，以及你认为你可能需要计划哪些风险。谈谈对每个相关人员来说什么样的风险水平是合理的，并致力于迁就容忍度最低的人。

If you keep the door open to ongoing dialogue about STIs, sexual health and sex more generally, it nourishes trust between you and your partners and also helps you take better care of your own and each other’s health.

如果你对关于 STI、性健康和更广泛的性话题的持续对话保持开放，这会滋养你和伴侣之间的信任，也有助于你更好地照顾自己和彼此的健康。

Pregnancy, the other risk

怀孕，另一个风险 (Pregnancy, the other risk)

Conversations about safer sex usually revolve around mitigating the risk of STIs, and it’s surprising how many nonmonogamous people don’t talk about pregnancy. It is a fact of nature that anytime sex involves putting sperm in potential contact with an egg, pregnancy sometimes results—even, occasionally, when using contraception. This is about cells, so it’s true regardless of the participants’ gender identities and sexual orientations. In fact, sometimes queer people who are accustomed to same-sex sexual partners can forget that certain types of sex can lead to pregnancy—so if you’re queer and exploring your attractions to people with different plumbing than you, you may need to consider factors you’re not used to when it comes to risks.

关于安全性行为的对话通常围绕减轻 STI 风险展开，令人惊讶的是有多少非单偶制者不谈论怀孕。这是一个自然事实：任何时候性行为涉及将精子与卵子潜在接触，有时就会导致怀孕——即使在使用避孕措施时也是如此，偶尔。这是关于细胞的，所以无论参与者的性别认同和性取向如何，这都是真的。事实上，有时习惯了同性性伴侣的酷儿可能会忘记某些类型的性行为会导致怀孕——所以如果你是酷儿并且正在探索你对与你生理构造不同的人的吸引力，在涉及风险时，你可能需要考虑你不习惯的因素。

In all cases, it pays to talk with your partners about pregnancy risks and contingencies. What happens if someone accidentally becomes pregnant?

在所有情况下，与你的伴侣谈论怀孕风险和意外情况都是值得的。如果有人意外怀孕会发生什么？

How do you all feel about abortion? Let’s be super clear that the ultimate decision about whether or not to have an abortion belongs solely with the person who is, or could become, pregnant. However, this is an emotionally charged topic that many people have strong feelings about, and major disagreements here can be relationship-breakers. It’s best to have the conversations ahead of time so that you aren’t dealing with both a surprise pregnancy and a surprise conflict or breakup at the same time. It’s also possible that partners may agree on the abortion question, but not on how to proceed once the decision has been made. Some people consider an abortion to be a routine health procedure and have no particularly intense feelings about it, whereas for others it’s a very emotional experience and they need a lot of support. Especially if you live in a place where you’re likely to encounter loud protestors, distressing imagery or laws that require health care providers to discourage you from aborting or provide you with inaccurate medical information, it can be a traumatic experience. Having a loving partner or partners at your side can make a huge difference. Last but not least, abortion is not always easy to access. In some states, it’s illegal or as good as illegal, and in some places in both the United States and Canada, abortion providers are few and far between. So while in some places it’s as simple as booking an appointment, in other places getting an abortion may involve secrecy, expensive travel, time off work and out-of-pocket costs for the procedure itself, which may not be in the budget for everyone. If you could impregnate someone and you live in a place where abortion is hard to access, you may want to consider getting a vasectomy—a procedure that is usually reversible and nearly painless. If you could get pregnant, you may want to consider taking extra contraceptive precautions, such as getting an IUD or taking birth control pills, and having mifepristone at hand (you can order it online) in case of a condom break. Stacking your contraceptive methods can add extra layers of protection in case one should fail.

你们对堕胎有什么感觉？我们要非常清楚，关于是否堕胎的最终决定权完全属于怀孕或可能怀孕的人。然而，这是一个充满情绪的话题，许多人对此有强烈的感受，这里的重大分歧可能会导致关系破裂。最好提前进行对话，这样你就不会同时处理意外怀孕和意外冲突或分手。伴侣们也有可能在堕胎问题上达成一致，但在决定做出后如何进行的问题上不一致。有些人认为堕胎是常规医疗程序，对此没有特别强烈的感受，而对另一些人来说，这是一种非常情绪化的体验，他们需要很多支持。特别是如果你生活在一个可能会遇到大声抗议者、令人痛苦的图像或法律要求医疗保健提供者劝阻你堕胎或向你提供不准确医疗信息的地方，这可能是一种创伤性体验。身边有一个或多个充满爱的伴侣可能会产生巨大的不同。最后但并非最不重要的一点是，堕胎并不总是容易获得的。在某些州，它是非法的或实际上是非法的，在美国和加拿大的某些地方，堕胎提供者寥寥无几。因此，虽然在某些地方只需预约即可，但在其他地方，堕胎可能涉及保密、昂贵的旅行、请假以及手术本身的自费费用，这可能并不在每个人的预算之内。如果你能让某人怀孕，并且你住在一个堕胎难以获得的地方，你可能想考虑进行输精管结扎术——这是一种通常可逆且几乎无痛的手术。如果你可能怀孕，你可能想考虑采取额外的避孕预防措施，例如使用宫内节育器 (IUD) 或服用避孕药，并手头备有米非司酮（可以在线订购）以防避孕套破裂。叠加你的避孕方法可以增加额外的保护层，以防万一其中一种失败。

Alternatively, would you see an accidental pregnancy as a happy occasion? If so, are all the affected partners in agreement on how they would proceed, what their respective roles would be, and so on? If there is more than one possible impregnator, does it matter who it was? For example, if a person gets pregnant as part of a casual encounter, would they want to raise the child with their nesting partners? As another example, in a triad made up of a cis woman and two cis men, everyone involved may feel it’s important to know who the biological father is, or they may deliberately not want to know, because they’d like to raise the child as a three-parent unit no matter whose cells were involved in conception. Kinship is a choice, after all. Whatever the specifics of your situation, having a baby is no small undertaking, and it’s worth being deliberate about it if you possibly can.

或者，你会把意外怀孕看作是一件快乐的事吗？如果是这样，所有受影响的伴侣是否就在如何进行、各自的角色等方面达成一致？如果有不止一个可能的致孕者，是谁重要吗？例如，如果一个人在一次随意邂逅中怀孕，他们会想和他们的同居伴侣一起抚养孩子吗？再举一个例子，在一个由一名顺性别女性和两名顺性别男性组成的三人组中，每个参与者可能都觉得知道谁是生父很重要，或者他们可能故意不想知道，因为无论受孕涉及谁的细胞，他们都想作为一个三亲家庭抚养孩子。亲属关系毕竟是一种选择。无论你的具体情况如何，生孩子都不是一件小事，如果可能的话，值得深思熟虑。

No matter what discussions you have, you’re probably going to feel some pretty strong emotions if pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy is a big deal and likely to be disruptive for everyone. Give yourselves time to process your feelings and talk about it together. Don’t postpone the discussion until it’s too late. For more about these issues, how to have these conversations, and how to prepare to raise kids in a nonmonogamous family, see Jess Mahler’s book Polyamory and Pregnancy, listed in the resources.

无论你们进行了什么讨论，如果怀孕发生，你们可能会感受到一些相当强烈的情绪。怀孕是一件大事，可能会对每个人造成干扰。给自己时间来处理感受并一起讨论。不要把讨论推迟到太晚。关于这些问题、如何进行这些对话以及如何准备在非单偶制家庭中抚养孩子，请参阅杰丝·马勒的书《多边恋与怀孕》(Polyamory and Pregnancy)，列在资源中。

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

Whatever your relationship to sex might be, nonmonogamy is likely to present you with new opportunities and new challenges. We wish you learning, healing and pleasure along the way—however you define all these things.

无论你与性的关系如何，非单偶制都可能会给你带来新的机会和新的挑战。我们祝愿你一路学习、疗愈和快乐——无论你如何定义所有这些事情。

Here are some questions that might help you figure out where to start or continue your journey!

以下是一些可能帮助你弄清楚从哪里开始或继续你的旅程的问题！

• How would I describe or define my sexuality—my orientation, desires and experiences thus far? What are my likes and dislikes?

• Is there an area related to sex where I could use some care or healing work? What is it, and what strategies could I pursue to feel better? What kinds of resources or help do I want to seek out?

• What new things would I like to explore sexually or learn about sex? What would I hope to get out of those explorations?

• What skills do I want to gain or improve in the realm of communication, negotiation and consent? How can I pursue this learning?

• What are a few sexual boundaries that are important to me?

• What approach do I take to risk in the area of sex, STIs and pregnancy? What do I want to know about a prospective partner before we have sex? What safer sex measures do I want to take? How would I approach a surprise pregnancy? What conversations do I want to have with my partners about these questions?

• What are my strategies for staying up to date on sexual health information and taking care of my sexual health? Do I need to revisit or amend them?

• How do I want to approach sex in the context of nonmonogamy? How does my nonmonogamous situation affect my answers to the other questions in this list, or vice versa?

• 我会如何描述或定义我的性——我的取向、欲望和迄今为止的经历？我的好恶是什么？

• 在与性相关的领域，是否有什么地方我需要一些关怀或疗愈工作？它是什么，我可以采取什么策略来感觉更好？我想寻求什么样的资源或帮助？

• 我想在性方面探索什么新事物或学习什么？我希望从这些探索中得到什么？

• 我想在沟通、协商和同意领域获得或提高什么技能？我该如何追求这种学习？

• 对我来说重要的几个性界限是什么？

• 我在性、STI 和怀孕方面采取什么风险应对方法？在做爱之前我想了解潜在伴侣的什么信息？我想采取什么安全性行为措施？我会如何处理意外怀孕？关于这些问题，我想和我的伴侣进行什么对话？

• 我保持了解最新性健康信息和照顾自己性健康的策略是什么？我需要重新审视或修改它们吗？

• 我想如何在非单偶制的背景下对待性？我的非单偶制状况如何影响我对清单中其他问题的回答，反之亦然？

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Footnotes

1. For a moment she Shelley Parker-Chan, She Who Became the Sun (New York: Tor Books, 2021), Kobo edition. ↩ ↩²

2. A great place to start Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2021); Nagoski, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections (New York: Ballantine Books, 2024). ↩ ↩²

3. the worry that some part of us is unacceptable Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer A. Vencill, Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships (Boston, MA: Beacon Press, 2023), p. 36 ↩ ↩²

4. results in real, physical changes Jones, Cultivating Connection, 182. ↩ ↩²

5. for a great discussion Notte, The Monster Under the Bed. ↩ ↩²

6. In Canada Consent Comes First Toronto Metropolitan, “Understanding Consent,” Toronto Metropolitan University, https://www.torontomu.ca/sexual-violence/education/laws-of-consent-in-canada/ ↩ ↩²

7. As A.V. Flox writes A.V. Flox, “The Legal Framework of Consent is Worthless,” in Stryker, Ask: Building Consent Culture, 15–25. ↩ ↩²

8. access negotiating power Robin Bauer, Queer BDSM Intimacies: Critical Consent and Pushing Boundaries (London, UK: Palgrave Macmillan, 2014), 106. ↩ ↩²

9. tailored guides Joan Price, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (Berkeley, CA: Seal Press, 2011); Nillin Lore, How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers (Victoria, BC: Thornapple Press, 2024); Hanne Blank, Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) (Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 2011); Reece M. Malone et al., eds., An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy: Centering the Lives of Indigenous, Racialized, and People of Color (New York: Routledge, 2022)(it’s not just for therapists!); Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press, 2007). ↩ ↩²

10. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute Justin J. Lehmiller, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. (New York: Hachette Go, 2018), 14. ↩ ↩²

11. There are some really cringey Stella Harris, The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes (San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press, 2021). ↩ ↩²

12. Gen Z hookup trend Julia Pugachevsky, “Choking without Consent is a Gen Z Hookup Trend. Even If It Doesn’t Bother You, It Can be Extremely Dangerous,” Business Insider, November 9, 2022, https://www.businessinsider.com/choking-gen-z-sex-hookups-consent-assault-2022-10. ↩ ↩²

13. even if you never have a sore anywhere Valerie Johnson, “Why Can’t I be Tested for ALL Sexually Transmitted Infections?” Planned Parenthood of the St. Louis Region and Southwest Missouri (blog), May 19, 2020, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/plannedparenthood-st-louis-region-southwest-missouri/blog/why-cant-i-be-tested-for-all-sexually-transmitted-infections. ↩ ↩²

14. head and neck cancers “HPV Vaccine Age Limit: You Might Not Be Too Old — What You Should Know,” Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (blog), February 8, 2023, https://www.mskcc.org/news/think-you-re-too-old-get-hpv-vaccine-prevent-cancer-maybe-not. ↩ ↩²

15. completely cured International Federation of Pharmaceutical Manufacturers and Associations, “Hepatitis C: Discovery to Cure in 25 Years,” https://50years.ifpma.org/in-focus/hepatitis-c/ ↩ ↩²

16. transmit HIV Prevention Access Campaign, https://preventionaccess.com/ ↩ ↩²

17. preventing HIV infection HIV.info and National Institutes of Health, “HIV Prevention: Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP),” last updated February 6, 2024, https://hivinfo.nih.gov/understanding-hiv/fact-sheets/post-exposure-prophylaxis-pep. ↩ ↩²

18. syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia World Health Organization, “STIs in 2022: Emerging and Re-Emerging Outbreaks,” September 2, 2022, https://www.who.int/news/item/02-09-2022-stis-in-2022-emerging-and-re-emerging-outbreaks. ↩ ↩²

19. months after infection Statistics Canada, “Experiences of Canadians with Long-Term Symptoms Following COVID-19,” The Daily, December 8, 2023, https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/231208/dq231208a-eng.htm. ↩ ↩²