21 关系转变 Relationship Transitions
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One thing you can always count on is that hearts change.
HAYAO MIYAZAKI1
有一件事你永远可以确信，那就是心会改变。
宫崎骏 (Hayao Miyazaki)1
People are living, dynamic organisms; you grow or you die. (Actually you die, period; growth is optional.) You will change. Your partners will change. Your relationships will change. This is a fact, something you must try to accept gracefully.
人是活生生的、动态的有机体；你要么成长，要么死亡。（实际上你会死，这是句号；成长是可选项。）你会改变。你的伴侣会改变。你们的关系会改变。这是一个事实，是你必须尝试优雅地接受的事情。
If you fear change, if you cling too tightly to what your relationships are now and insist that they must always be this way, you risk breaking them. Yes, sometimes relationships change in ways you don’t want, and people grow in ways that pull them apart rather than bring them together. That’s the risk you accept when you get involved in this messy, complicated business of intimate relationships.
如果你害怕改变，如果你太紧地抓住你们现在的关系并坚持它们必须永远这样，你就有破坏它们的风险。是的，有时关系会以你不想要的方式改变，人们成长的方向是把他们拉开而不是聚在一起。当你卷入亲密关系这种混乱、复杂的事务时，这就是你所接受的风险。
The things you value in your relationship now may not exist in the future. The things you want now, you may not want in the future. The things you see in your partner now may not be there in the future. And that’s okay. Adopt a flexible and resilient idea about the way your life will look, keep in touch with your changing needs and those of your partners, talk to your partners about these things openly and without fear, and you can build relationships that grow as you grow. If you do not, your relationships can become brittle and shatter.
你现在在关系中珍视的东西将来可能不存在。你现在想要的东西，将来可能不想要了。你现在在伴侣身上看到的东西，将来可能不在那里了。这没关系。对你的生活将会是什么样子采取灵活和有韧性的想法，与你不断变化的需求以及你伴侣的需求保持联系，公开且无畏地与你的伴侣谈论这些事情，你就可以建立随着你的成长而成长的关系。如果你不这样做，你的关系可能会变得脆弱并破碎。
Allowing change with grace, without expecting to control how the change happens, is a key skill for people who want to create strong, resilient nonmonogamous relationships. Be clear on what your relationship needs are, be willing to advocate for them, and accept that things are going to change. That way, at least to some extent, you’ll be ready.
优雅地允许改变，而不期望控制改变如何发生，是想要建立牢固、有韧性的非单偶制关系的人的一项关键技能。清楚你的关系需求是什么，愿意为它们辩护，并接受事情将会改变。那样，至少在某种程度上，你会做好准备。
Nonmonogamy makes space for types of relationship transitions that are less commonly understood in a mononormative framework. In some cases, these transitions are pretty much the same as in a monogamous model, but nonmonogamy has more language for them, or a different view of what they mean. In other cases, the structure of nonmonogamy creates possibilities for kinds of shifts that simply don’t exist when only two people are involved.
非单偶制为单偶常态框架中不太常见的关系转变类型腾出了空间。在某些情况下，这些转变与单偶制模式中的几乎相同，但非单偶制有更多的语言来描述它们，或者对它们的含义有不同的看法。在其他情况下，非单偶制的结构为只有两个人参与时根本不存在的转变类型创造了可能性。
Re-evaluating long-term relationships
Section titled “Re-evaluating long-term relationships”重新评估长期关系
Section titled “重新评估长期关系”In long-term relationships, usually a time arrives when the two new people you’ve become over the years stand there looking at each other and ask, “Whatever we believed or wanted a few years ago, do the people we are now belong in an intimate relationship together?” Sometimes the answer is yes, these two new people still want to be together. And then you move forward, perhaps stronger than before.
在长期关系中，通常会有一个时刻到来，多年后变成新人的你们站在那里看着对方问，“无论几年前我们相信什么或想要什么，现在的我们还属于一段亲密关系吗？”有时答案是肯定的，这两个新人仍然想在一起。然后你们继续前进，也许比以前更强大。
But sometimes the answer is no, it doesn’t make sense anymore. This is normal and okay, even though it can be painful to realize. Not only do people change, but every relationship has a natural ebb and flow. Relationships can come and go and come again with the same person. When you acknowledge that, and allow space for changes to happen, you create relationships that can weather almost any storm.
但有时答案是否定的，这不再有意义了。这是正常的，也可以接受，即使意识到这一点可能会很痛苦。不仅人会变，每段关系也有自然的起伏。与同一个人的关系可以来来去去，周而复始。当你承认这一点，并为变化的发生留出空间时，你就创造了可以经受几乎任何风暴的关系。
Since people change all the time, you can debate whether it even makes sense to make lifelong commitments, at least in the way society encourages people to. Many people are taught that marriage should mean your relationship never changes, rather than meaning you can be family for life but the shape the family takes can change. Instead of the idea of “breaking up,” where the presumption is that you’ll stay in a relationship until something makes you leave it, perhaps you should sit down every year or few and say, “Okay, who are we now? How is this relationship working? Do we like the way it’s going? Should we change something? Do we even still like each other that much? Does it make sense to continue?” If you think of this as renewing the relationship every now and again, then even if the answer to the last question is no, the result does not necessarily have to be a breakup. To use the widespread nonmonogamy term, it’s a transition.
既然人一直在变，你可以争论做出终身承诺是否有意义，至少是以社会鼓励人们的方式。许多人被教导说，婚姻应该意味着你们的关系永远不会改变，而不是意味着你们可以终身成为家人，但家庭的形式可以改变。与其持有“分手”的想法（即假设你会留在一断关系中直到某事让你离开），也许你应该每一两年坐下来说，“好吧，我们现在是谁？这段关系运作得如何？我们喜欢它的发展方向吗？我们应该改变什么吗？我们甚至还那么喜欢对方吗？继续下去有意义吗？”如果你把这看作是不时地更新关系，那么即使最后一个问题的答案是否定的，结果也不一定非得是分手。用非单偶制中广泛使用的术语来说，这是一个转变 (transition)。
The best way to evaluate whether a relationship is a good one, regardless of what form it takes, is to think about the things you need and want in the relationship, and evaluate whether it gives you those things. It’s not the shape of the relationship that’s important; it’s whether it meets your needs. Another good technique is to interrogate your feelings. When you think about the relationship ending, what is your first response? If it’s a sense of relief, maybe it’s time for the relationship to end.
无论关系采取何种形式，评估一段关系是否良好的最佳方法是思考你在关系中需要和想要的东西，并评估它是否给了你这些东西。重要的不是关系的形状；而是它是否满足你的需求。另一个好技巧是审视你的感受。当你想到关系结束时，你的第一反应是什么？如果是一种解脱感，也许是时候结束这段关系了。
Of course, part of the fairy tale is the idea that relationships only succeed if they last until someone dies. This is, if you think about it, a strange metric for success. If you manage to find one another’s company pleasant enough for long enough, someone dies, and then the surviving partner can claim success. Relationships are often measured in terms of longevity; if they end before the death of one of the partners, people call them failures.
当然，童话故事的一部分是认为只有持续到有人死去，关系才算成功。如果你仔细想想，这是一个奇怪的成功指标。如果你能设法觉得彼此的陪伴足够愉快且持续足够长的时间，有人死了，然后幸存的伴侣就可以宣称成功。关系通常以长久度来衡量；如果它们在其中一方死亡之前结束，人们称之为失败。
In his book The Commitment,2 columnist Dan Savage described his grandmother’s unhappy marriage, which ended in her suicide. He commented:
在他的书《承诺》(The Commitment)2 中，专栏作家丹·萨维奇描述了他祖母的不幸婚姻，这段婚姻以她的自杀告终。他评论道：
The instant my grandmother died, her marriage became a success. Death parted my grandparents, not divorce, and death is the sole measure of a successful marriage. When a marriage ends in divorce, we say that it’s failed. The marriage was a failure. Why? Because both parties got out alive. It doesn’t matter if the parting is amicable, it doesn’t matter if the exes are happier apart, it doesn’t matter if two happy marriages take the place of one unhappy marriage. A marriage that ends in divorce failed. Only a marriage that ends with someone in the cooler down at Maloney’s is a success.
我祖母去世的那一刻，她的婚姻就成功了。 死亡将我的祖父母分开，而不是离婚，死亡是成功婚姻的唯一衡量标准。当婚姻以离婚告终时，我们说它失败了。这段婚姻是个失败。为什么？因为双方都活着出来了。分手是否友好并不重要，前任分开后是否更快乐并不重要，两段幸福的婚姻取代一段不幸的婚姻并不重要。以离婚告终的婚姻就是失败的。只有以某人躺在马洛尼殡仪馆的冷柜里结束的婚姻才是成功的。
Longevity is a seductive idea, because the idea of “forever” can feel like the equivalent of “safety.” In practice, when people subscribe to longevity as a value, they often end up remaining in partnerships that are joyless, loveless, even abusive—situations that are far from safe if you consider the long-term effects of constant misery. This commitment to longevity often comes along with the idea that the “failure” entailed in splitting up is shameful. In some cultural, religious and social contexts, that’s true, in which case it can take a great deal of courage to contravene the community norms that insist you should remain in an unhappy partnership.
长久是一个诱人的想法，因为“永远”的想法感觉像是“安全”的等价物。在实践中，当人们将长久视为一种价值观时，他们往往最终留在没有快乐、没有爱、甚至虐待的伴侣关系中——如果你考虑到持续痛苦的长期影响，这种情况远非安全。这种对长久的承诺通常伴随着这样一种观念：分手所包含的“失败”是可耻的。在某些文化、宗教和社会背景下，这是真的，在这种情况下，违背坚持你应该留在不幸伴侣关系中的社区规范可能需要极大的勇气。
If you stop thinking in terms of “happily ever after” and start thinking in terms of how you want to write the story of your life, chapter by chapter, then relationships that end are not failures, because they still contributed to your story. And you get to keep writing it, fondly remember the good stuff, learn from the mistakes, and make meaning of the whole experience.
如果你不再从“从此幸福快乐”的角度思考，而是开始从你想如何一章一章地书写你的人生故事的角度思考，那么结束的关系就不是失败，因为它们仍然为你的故事做出了贡献。你可以继续书写它，深情地回忆美好的东西，从错误中学习，并赋予整个经历以意义。
We propose a different metric for the success of a relationship. Relationships that help you be the best versions of yourself and that help you create meaning in your life are successes. Those that don’t are not, regardless of how long they last. A ten-year relationship that ends in friendship is more successful than a lifetime relationship of misery. That doesn’t mean good relationships always make the partners happy; in fact, if we return to Carrie Jenkins’s argument, the purpose of having intimate relationships isn’t necessarily to make you happy at all, but to be “collaborative works of art”3—to support you in having a meaningful life, filled with the full range of human emotions.
我们为关系的成功提出了不同的衡量标准。那些帮助你成为最好的自己并帮助你在生活中创造意义的关系就是成功的。那些做不到的就不是，无论它们持续多久。一段以友谊结束的十年关系比一段痛苦的终身关系更成功。这并不意味着好的关系总是让伴侣快乐；事实上，如果我们回到凯莉·詹金斯的论点，拥有亲密关系的目的并不一定是为了让你快乐，而是成为“协作的艺术品”3——支持你拥有一个充满全方位人类情感的有意义的生活。
Of course, you shouldn’t bail at the first conflict or trouble. All relationships have their ups and downs; it is not reasonable to expect otherwise. But on the whole, good relationships promote the long-term well-being of the people involved; when that no longer becomes possible, and there’s no clear path to making it possible, then it might be time for the relationship to end.
当然，你不应该在一遇到冲突或麻烦时就放弃。所有关系都有起伏；期望不然是不合理的。但总的来说，良好的关系促进相关人员的长期福祉；当这不再可能，并且没有明确的途径使其成为可能时，那么可能是时候结束这段关系了。
Nonmonogamous breakups
Section titled “Nonmonogamous breakups”非单偶制分手
Section titled “非单偶制分手”Nonmonogamous breakups are both easier and harder than monogamous breakups. They’re easier in the sense that when you have more than one partner, you may have more support to help you through the loss. You may also not have to experience some of the things like skin hunger or endless nights alone that can cause so much pain after monogamous breakups. However, this support doesn’t actually make the pain of loss go away—though some insensitive people believe that having more than one partner means you must not grieve when a relationship ends. No matter how many relationships you may have, breakups still cause pain.
非单偶制分手既比单偶制分手容易，也比单偶制分手难。容易的方面在于，当你有不止一个伴侣时，你可能有更多的支持来帮助你度过失落。你也可能不必经历像肌肤饥渴或无尽的孤独之夜这样在单偶制分手后会造成如此多痛苦的事情。然而，这种支持实际上并不能让失去的痛苦消失——尽管一些不敏感的人认为拥有不止一个伴侣意味着当一段关系结束时你一定不会悲伤。无论你有多少段关系，分手仍然会带来痛苦。
Nonmonogamous breakups pose special challenges because the breakups can involve more people, and can create ripples of ambiguity and uncertainty throughout a whole network of relationships. Your partner’s breakup may also affect you very seriously, even if you’re not dating the same person. When two people share a partner in common and one of those relationships ends, the pain is greatly magnified.
非单偶制分手带来了特殊的挑战，因为分手可能涉及更多的人，并可能在整个关系网络中产生模糊和不确定的涟漪。你伴侣的分手也可能非常严重地影响你，即使你们不是在和同一个人约会。当两个人共同拥有一个伴侣，而其中一段关系结束时，痛苦会被极大地放大。
There can be a lot of strange carryover effects when a nonmonogamous relationship ends. One common situation arises when a close, nesting partner or primary-style relationship ends—say, for example, a married couple divorces or a live-in relationship breaks up. People who are less entwined can feel a pull to fill the void, even if they don’t want to, and even if the pull is not intentional on the part of the person navigating the breakup.
当一段非单偶制关系结束时，可能会有很多奇怪的遗留效应。一种常见的情况发生在一对亲密的、同居的伴侣或主要式关系结束时——比如说，一对已婚夫妇离婚或一段同居关系分手。那些纠缠较少的人可能会感觉到一种填补空白的拉力，即使他们不想，即使这种拉力并非正在经历分手的人有意为之。
Conversely, less entwined partners may have an expectation that if a close, domestic relationship ends, their relationships are now eligible for “promotion” to a closer, more entwined status, even if that isn’t the most natural form for them to take, or if the person experiencing the breakup doesn’t want that. Even without a “promotion,” when a relationship that formerly occupied a great deal of a person’s time and attention ends, some of their remaining partners might assume that this time is now available to them.
相反，纠缠较少的伴侣可能会期望，如果一段亲密的家庭关系结束，他们的关系现在就有资格“晋升”为更亲密、更纠缠的状态，即使这对他们来说不是最自然的形式，或者经历分手的人并不想要那样。即使没有“晋升”，当一段原本占据一个人大量时间和注意力的关系结束时，他们的一些剩余伴侣可能会假设这些时间现在可以给他们了。
We can’t give an exhaustive analysis of how nonmonogamous breakups work because each situation is so different. For example, if an abusive relationship ends, everyone who was affected by it might be relieved. If a casual partnership comes to an amicable close and everyone remains friendly, it might not make a major difference in the overall situation at all. The partners not directly involved in the breakup may feel anxious about what it means for their relationships, but afraid to ask out of fear of making a partner’s pain about them. This anxiety and uncertainty is normal, though, and deserves to be addressed. To prevent misunderstandings and avoid sliding into situations while you’re in the midst of grief and transition when you wouldn’t otherwise have chosen them, it can help to sit down with your remaining partners and talk about what, if anything, the breakup means for those relationships. Regardless of where you’re positioned in a nonmonogamous structure, express your feelings, tell your partners about your needs, and try to extend compassion and care to each other. A breakup between two people can imply a lot of reorganization, a shift in the baseline of how people’s lives are set up—everything from living arrangements to figuring out whether the whole polycule will still go to games night every second Tuesday with the quad down the street. Don’t assume. Instead, discuss: ask questions, set boundaries, be kind.
我们无法详尽分析非单偶制分手是如何运作的，因为每种情况都如此不同。例如，如果一段虐待关系结束，每个受其影响的人可能会感到如释重负。如果一段随意的伙伴关系友好地结束，大家依然友好，那可能根本不会对整体情况产生重大影响。未直接卷入分手的伴侣可能会对这对他们的关系意味着什么感到焦虑，但又因为害怕把伴侣的痛苦变成关于他们自己的事情而不敢问。不过，这种焦虑和不确定性是正常的，值得解决。为了防止误解，避免在你处于悲伤和过渡期时滑入你原本不会选择的情况，坐下来和你剩下的伴侣谈谈，如果有的话，这次分手对那些关系意味着什么，这会有所帮助。无论你在非单偶制结构中处于什么位置，表达你的感受，告诉你的伴侣你的需求，并尝试向彼此表达同情和关怀。两个人之间的分手可能意味着大量的重组，人们生活设定基线的转变——从生活安排到弄清楚整个多边关系网络是否还会每隔一个周二和街那头的四人组一起去游戏之夜。不要假设。相反，讨论：提问，设定界限，保持友善。
悲伤 (Grief)
Section titled “悲伤 (Grief)”Even when it transitions into a different kind of relationship, the end of an intimate relationship is hard. It’s normal to feel hurt. It’s also normal to mourn the loss of a partner, and the loss of the goals and dreams you shared.
即使过渡到不同类型的关系，亲密关系的结束也是艰难的。感到受伤是正常的。哀悼失去伴侣，以及失去你们共同的目标和梦想也是正常的。
Psychologists say the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) apply to grief over a lost relationship as much as they apply to terminal illness. It takes time to grieve the loss, even when you want to preserve a friendship on the other side. Ending and transitioning relationships with dignity and grace means knowing the emotional storm is coming and being prepared to weather it.
心理学家说，悲伤的五个阶段（否认、愤怒、讨价还价、抑郁和接受）同样适用于失去关系的悲伤，就像适用于绝症一样。即使你想在另一边保留友谊，哀悼这种失去也需要时间。带着尊严和优雅结束和过渡关系意味着知道情感风暴即将来临并准备好经受住它。
There’s no easy way to deal with the pain you experience when relationships end. Make space for your feelings, but don’t let them take charge of you. Turn to your support networks and coping mechanisms, and opt as much as possible for pain-easing solutions that do minimal harm (bingeing a TV show) over ones that carry higher risk (bingeing a case of beer). Eat nutritious food, move your body, try to get enough sleep. Do things that help you feel all your feelings, and do things that help keep you functional, too. Wait, and let time do its job. Thinkers, poets, scholars and therapists have written a great deal about the grieving process and how to navigate it; seek out their voices and advice, learn what you can and discard what doesn’t work for you.
没有简单的方法来处理你在关系结束时经历的痛苦。为你的感受腾出空间，但不要让它们控制你。求助于你的支持网络和应对机制，并尽可能选择伤害最小的缓解痛苦的方案（狂看电视节目），而不是风险较高的方案（狂喝一箱啤酒）。吃有营养的食物，活动身体，尽量保证充足的睡眠。做一些帮助你感受所有情绪的事情，也做一些帮助你保持功能的事情。等待，让时间发挥作用。思想家、诗人、学者和治疗师已经写了很多关于悲伤过程以及如何驾驭它的文章；寻找他们的声音和建议，学习你能学的，抛弃对你没用的。
One aspect of grief that comes up a lot in nonmonogamy is the experience of holding multiple emotional states at the same time. In monogamous relationships, you’re generally feeling things about one relationship at a time. Even in the case of overlapping emotional states—such as grieving a divorce while also starting a new relationship—you’re typically in just one relationship actively. In nonmonogamy, you can be heartbroken and grieving about one person while at the same time in the midst of NRE with another, perhaps while also securely attached and comfortable in yet another relationship. Sometimes these overlaps can cause odd emotional states—a muddy mix or a bizarre clash of feelings. Be gentle with yourself if you’re experiencing this kind of cognitive and emotional load. It’s normal to find it challenging. With experience, you may develop an emotional skill set to manage this kind of weirdness when it comes up.
非单偶制中经常出现的一个悲伤方面是同时持有多种情绪状态的体验。在单偶制关系中，你通常一次只对一段关系有感觉。即使在情绪状态重叠的情况下——例如在哀悼离婚的同时开始一段新关系——你通常也只处于一段活跃的关系中。在非单偶制中，你可能因为一个人而心碎和悲伤，同时又与另一个人处于 NRE 之中，也许与此同时还在另一段关系中感到安全依恋和舒适。有时这些重叠会导致奇怪的情绪状态——一种浑浊的混合或奇异的情感冲突。如果你正在经历这种认知和情感负荷，请对自己温柔一点。觉得这有挑战性是正常的。随着经验的积累，你可能会发展出一套情感技能来应对这种怪异情况的出现。
Another aspect of grief that’s common in nonmonogamy is that when one relationship ends, you have to figure out how much you can lean on the partner or partners you’re still with to get support in your heartbreak. Do you have boundaries around what you want to share with them? Do they have boundaries around what kind of support they’re able to provide you? Ideally, your needs and abilities are compatible, but it’s not a guarantee, particularly if the breakup also affected them in some way and they have their own feelings about it. Maybe you can be mutually supportive, or maybe you’ll need to turn to other supportive people, or some combination of these strategies. Talk about it with your partners and come up with an approach that works for everyone involved.
非单偶制中常见的另一个悲伤方面是，当一段关系结束时，你必须弄清楚你可以在多大程度上依靠你仍然在一起的伴侣来获得心碎时的支持。关于你想与他们分享什么，你有界限吗？关于他们能为你提供什么样的支持，他们有界限吗？理想情况下，你们的需求和能力是兼容的，但这并不是保证，特别是如果分手也以某种方式影响了他们，并且他们对此有自己的感受。也许你们可以相互支持，或者也许你需要求助于其他支持者，或者这些策略的某种组合。与你的伴侣谈谈，想出一个对每个人都有效的方法。
What have you learned?
Section titled “What have you learned?”你学到了什么？
Section titled “你学到了什么？”When a breakup happens, often you just need to get through it: Deal with the big feelings and the logistical upheavals while still trying to maintain the rest of your life and fulfill your obligations. But once the initial phase has passed and you’re adjusting to the new reality, it can be worth taking some time to assess what happened and what you can learn from it. In serial monogamy there’s usually a built-in transition period between relationships where, hopefully, some self-reflection occurs. When one of multiple relationships end, it can be easy to try to just skip over that messy, uncomfortable bit. While that may feel easier in the short term, you—and your future partners—might lose out over the long run. Avoid the temptation to use your other relationships, existing or new, as distractions from both the grieving and growing processes, or to look to them for vilification of your ex and validation that you were blameless.
当分手发生时，通常你只需要度过它：处理强烈的情绪和后勤方面的剧变，同时还要努力维持你的其余生活并履行你的义务。但是一旦最初阶段过去，你正在适应新现实，花点时间评估发生了什么以及你可以从中得到什么教训是值得的。在连续单偶制中，关系之间通常有一个内置的过渡期，希望在这个时期能发生一些自我反省。当多段关系中的一段结束时，很容易试图跳过那个混乱、不舒服的部分。虽然这在短期内可能感觉更容易，但你——和你未来的伴侣——可能会在长期内蒙受损失。避免这种诱惑：利用你的其他关系（现有的或新的）来分散对悲伤和成长过程的注意力，或者指望它们来诋毁你的前任并验证你是无可指责的。
We all come up with the stories of our relationships—how we met, what set us on a path together, who did what and why it ended. What part did you play in the ending? Do you need to take accountability for any mistakes you might have made? Do you need to do things differently in future (or current) relationships based on what you’ve learned? Do you need to refine your criteria for choosing partners or update your mental list of red flags or signs of incompatibility? Maybe you need to set new boundaries with partners going forward or engage in some kind of healing work. What resources would you need to marshal, or what skills would you need to develop, in order to prevent or avoid whatever problems arose this time? What were the good things about the relationship that you’d really like to experience again in some way? What are you grateful for? What are you angry or hurt about? With any luck, each relationship that ends leaves you with useful lessons that you can carry with you to the next ones you pursue.
我们都会构思我们关系的故事——我们是如何相遇的，是什么让我们走在了一起，谁做了什么以及为什么结束。你在结局中扮演了什么角色？你需要为你可能犯下的任何错误承担责任吗？你需要根据你学到的东西在未来（或当前）的关系中做些不同的事情吗？你需要完善你的择偶标准或更新你心里的危险信号或不兼容迹象清单吗？也许你需要与未来的伴侣设定新的界限，或者进行某种疗愈工作。为了防止或避免这次出现的任何问题，你需要调动什么资源，或者你需要培养什么技能？这段关系中有哪些好的方面是你真的想以某种方式再次体验的？你感激什么？你对什么感到愤怒或受伤？运气好的话，每一段结束的关系都会留给你有用的教训，你可以带着这些教训去追求下一段关系。
You can do this process of reflection in a concerted way over a short period of time, but people often learn in spirals, deepening their understanding as they revisit a topic over time. As long as you’re not dragging yourself down with endless rumination, it can be worth thinking about the end of a relationship at multiple points in the months and years after a split, to see how your own perspective shifts.
你可以在短时间内集中进行这种反思过程，但人们通常以螺旋式学习，随着时间的推移重新审视某个话题而加深理解。只要你不被无休止的反刍所拖累，在分手后的数月和数年里多次思考关系的结束，看看你自己的观点是如何转变的，这可能是值得的。
When you have kids
Section titled “When you have kids”当你有孩子时
Section titled “当你有孩子时”Children are often affected in nonmonogamous breakups, since many people find themselves forming close relationships with the children of their partners. As mentioned in chapter 15, it’s even common to have multi-parent live-in households. The implications of breakups in these arrangements are similar, of course, to situations that can arise when blended families split up.
孩子在非单偶制分手时经常受到影响，因为许多人发现自己与伴侣的孩子建立了亲密关系。正如第 15 章提到的，多父母同居家庭甚至很常见。当然，这些安排中分手的含义与重组家庭破裂时可能出现的情况相似。
Regardless of the particulars of your situation, when a kid is involved, remember that they’re in a formative phase, and cutting off their attachment-based relationships can cause a great deal of emotional hardship for them for the rest of their lives. As you figure out your plans for handling a breakup, consider their needs as a high priority. Do your best to make sure the kids continue to feel safe and loved, with some kind of stability and ongoing access to the adults who have been important parts of their lives so far.
无论你的具体情况如何，当涉及孩子时，请记住他们正处于成型阶段，切断他们基于依恋的关系可能会给他们的余生带来巨大的情感困苦。当你制定处理分手的计划时，将他们的需求视为高度优先。尽你所能确保孩子们继续感到安全和被爱，拥有某种稳定性，并能持续接触那些迄今为止一直是他们生活中重要部分的成年人。
The law generally does a much better job of protecting the interests of children when their (two) legal parents split up than it does when a family situation is more complex. This means that nonmonogamous people have to put in the time and the work to navigate unfamiliar waters for the child’s best interests, with no guidance along the way. You may need to get creative together—which can be super difficult when you’re splitting up and full of big emotions! Seek support if you need it, and get creative about that too. For example, if two adults find it too painful—at least for a time, as is common—to stay in close contact, metamours who are still connected to the child may be able to help facilitate a relationship with the former partner.
当（两个）合法父母分手时，法律通常能更好地保护孩子的利益，而在家庭情况更复杂时则不然。这意味着非单偶制者必须投入时间和精力，为了孩子的最大利益在陌生的水域中航行，沿途没有任何指导。你们可能需要一起发挥创造力——当你们分手并充满强烈情绪时，这可能会超级困难！如果需要，寻求支持，并在那方面也发挥创造力。例如，如果两个成年人觉得保持密切联系太痛苦——至少在一段时间内，这很常见——仍然与孩子有联系的表侣或许能帮助促进与前伴侣的关系。
Above all, don’t use kids as chess pieces. When a breakup becomes acrimonious, it can be tempting to drag children into the fray. Hold onto your values here and remember that treating other people as real isn’t just a principle for intimate relationships—it applies to kids, too.
最重要的是，不要把孩子当作棋子。当分手变得激烈时，很容易把孩子拖入争斗。在这里坚持你的价值观，并记住把他人视为真实不仅仅是亲密关系的原则——它也适用于孩子。
Ambiguous endings
Section titled “Ambiguous endings”模棱两可的结局
Section titled “模棱两可的结局”Sometimes, among nonmonogamous people, we see what we call Schrödinger relationships:[^*] relationships that are near-over in practice, but have fallen into a pattern of comfortable non-contact or non-intimacy. It’s easy to let such non-relationships linger a long time, because when you have multiple partners, there’s often not as much incentive to formally end a relationship in order to “move on”—and it can feel easier to drift apart than to have a tough conversation. This can be quite painful, though, if both partners are not aware of what’s happening, and one partner thinks of the relationship as “on” and the other thinks of it as “off.” Everyone deserves clarity about the nature and standing of their relationships, and retreating into muddy communication isn’t fair or kind. What one person is viewing as “going with the flow” might actually come across, to another person, as avoidance, manipulation or ghosting. Don’t put someone in the unhappy position of having to ask, “Hey, have I been dumped?” Respect them, their feelings and their dignity enough to be direct about what’s going on.
有时，在非单偶制人群中，我们会看到所谓的薛定谔关系 (Schrödinger relationships)：[^*] 实际上已经接近结束，但已经陷入舒适的不联系或不亲密模式的关系。非单偶制者很容易让这种非关系状态持续很长时间，因为当你有多个伴侣时，通常没有那么大的动力去正式结束一段关系以便“继续前进”——而且渐行渐远感觉比进行艰难的对话更容易。然而，如果双方都没有意识到正在发生什么，一方认为关系“还在”，另一方认为“已结束”，这可能会非常痛苦。每个人都理应清楚自己关系的性质和地位，退回到模糊的沟通中既不公平也不友善。一个人眼中的“顺其自然”实际上在另一个人看来可能是回避、操纵或“鬼隐”(ghosting)。不要把某人置于不得不问“嘿，我被甩了吗？”的不幸境地。尊重他们、他们的感受和尊严，直接说明正在发生的事情。
Other members of the network can suffer too when the two partners involved in the breakup are not clear with each other, or with their other partners, about what is happening. At the very least, metamour relationships can become awkward if you don’t know whether you’re really relating to a metamour. And as counterintuitive as it may seem, many people need to grieve their partners’ lost relationships too. Letting a relationship drift off into the ether without closure can make this process much harder. Clear conversations about relationship transitions can be important for everyone affected.
当卷入分手的两个伴侣彼此之间，或与其他伴侣之间，对正在发生的事情不清楚时，网络的其他成员也会受苦。至少，如果你不知道你是否真的在和一位表侣打交道，表侣关系可能会变得尴尬。而且尽管看起来违反直觉，许多人也需要为伴侣失去的关系而悲伤。让一段关系在没有了结的情况下随风而逝会使这个过程变得更加困难。关于关系转变的清晰对话对每个受影响的人都很重要。
That said, many solo poly people and relationship anarchists do prefer to have much more fluid, undefined relationships that slip between friendship and romance. If this is the case for you, then clarity and “define that relationship” conversations may be much less important for you and your partners. Hopefully, however, you will have had early conversations with them about how the sort of fluidity you prefer in your relationships works for you—and can work for them.
话虽如此，许多独身多边恋者和关系安那其主义者确实更喜欢拥有更流动、未定义的关系，在友谊和浪漫之间滑动。如果这是你的情况，那么清晰度和“定义那段关系”的对话对你和你的伴侣来说可能就不那么重要了。然而，希望你已经尽早与他们谈过你喜欢的这种关系流动性对你来说是如何运作的——以及如何对他们运作。
De-escalating
Section titled “De-escalating”降级 (De-escalating)
Section titled “降级 (De-escalating)”One kind of transition that’s really tough to manage is de-escalation. In some ways these are even more difficult than breakups, and not infrequently, that’s where they end up.
一种非常难管理的关系转变是降级。在某些方面，这甚至比分手更困难，而且很多时候，最终结果就是分手。
A de-escalation refers to what happens when you move a relationship to a lesser degree of closeness while still remaining intimate. Maybe you’re on the relationship escalator and heading toward marriage and kids when you realize that isn’t what you want—but you don’t want the relationship to end, either. Maybe you realize your partnership works way better when you don’t share a bedroom or don’t live together at all. Or maybe, once the NRE wears off, you realize that the sexual chemistry is great but you don’t have enough in common to build a deeper relationship and should stick to booty calls and threesomes at sex parties. (We also discuss the reverse, where relationships become non-sexual but remain close, in chapter 20.)
降级指的是当你将一段关系转移到亲密程度较低但仍然保持亲密的状态时发生的事情。也许你正处于关系自动扶梯上，朝着婚姻和孩子的方向发展，但你意识到那不是你想要的——但你也不希望关系结束。也许你意识到当你们不共用卧室或根本不住在一起时，你们的伙伴关系运作得更好。或者也许，一旦 NRE 消退，你意识到性化学反应很棒，但你们没有足够的共同点来建立更深层的关系，应该坚持做炮友和在性派对上进行三人行。（我们也在第 20 章讨论了相反的情况，即关系变得无性但保持亲密。）
Unless it’s entirely mutual, there are likely to be some hurt feelings in the mix when one person brings up a de-escalation. There’s no recipe for managing this well aside from trying to be compassionate, kind and graceful as you talk about it. It is especially difficult to do this when your life is very entwined—it’s hard to say “I love you and I want to stay together, but could you move out?” Brace yourself: The answer might be, “I can leave, but for me that means this is the end.”
除非这完全是相互的，否则当一个人提出降级时，很可能会夹杂一些受伤的感情。除了在谈论此事时尽量表现得富有同情心、善良和优雅之外，没有其他好的管理秘诀。当你们的生活非常交织时，这样做尤其困难——很难说出“我爱你，我想在一起，但你能搬出去吗？”做好准备：答案可能是，“我可以离开，但对我来说这意味着结束。”
There aren’t a lot of models for de-escalating relationships. The relationship escalator model is powerful and pervasive, and de-escalation flies in the face of all the considerable social pressure to constantly be moving “up.” It can feel like failure if someone tries to turn off the machine or go back down the steps. The person being asked for a de-escalation might feel ashamed or rejected, or simply not be able to envision anything other than steadily increasing closeness over time.
没有多少关系降级的模型。关系自动扶梯模型强大且无处不在，而降级违背了所有不断“向上”移动的巨大社会压力。如果有人试图关闭机器或下台阶，这可能会让人感觉像是失败。被要求降级的人可能会感到羞耻或被拒绝，或者根本无法想象除了随着时间的推移稳步增加亲密度之外的任何事情。
Be as gentle with each other as you can. A relationship can thrive in a new shape, but only if everyone is on board.
尽可能对彼此温柔。一段关系可以在新的形态中茁壮成长，但前提是每个人都赞同。
Opportunity shift
Section titled “Opportunity shift”机会转移 (Opportunity shift)
Section titled “机会转移 (Opportunity shift)”Relationships take shape in the interplay between the spaces you create for them and their own inherent inclinations. For example, a long-distance relationship might thrive on a visit once per season with a weekly phone call in the interim—if that’s the level of closeness and contact that feels right for that relationship. That same situation could be unbearably painful if the people involved craved daily togetherness but simply couldn’t have it because of physical distance.
关系在你们为它们创造的空间和它们自身固有倾向的相互作用中成形。例如，一段异地恋可能在每季一次访问和期间每周一次通话中茁壮成长——如果那是对那段关系来说感觉正确的亲密度和接触水平。如果相关人员渴望每天在一起但因为物理距离而无法实现，同样的情况可能会令人无法忍受地痛苦。
This range of possibilities is true for the example of long-distance relationships, but it also holds true for other outside circumstances that limit how often people can see each other: a demanding job or school program, a relationship configuration that takes up a lot of someone’s focus, even a health problem that places limits on a person’s energy or availability.
这种可能性的范围对于异地恋的例子是真实的，但也适用于限制人们见面频率的其他外部环境：要求高的工作或学校课程、占据某人大量精力的关系配置，甚至限制一个人精力或可用性的健康问题。
So when your relationship has grown in the shape of the space it’s permitted, what happens when that space changes? This can go in one of two directions: toward more or toward less. When a long-distance partner suddenly has a job opportunity in your city, you may be faced with the question of how much time you really want to spend together, now that distance will no longer present a built-in limit on that time. Maybe you’ll both jump at the chance to deepen your relationship. Or maybe you’ll realize that actually, a fairly infrequent, comet-style connection still works best for you even if you could, in theory, hop on the subway and meet up for dinner with them twice a week. Either way, now you have to talk about it, because being three provinces apart is no longer doing the job for you. On the other end of the spectrum, maybe the person you’ve been seeing twice a week for three years suddenly has to move away to care for an ailing parent in another province. This may present an occasion for you both to realize you want more—the thought of being parted might be the catalyst you needed to decide you actually want to live together. Or maybe the move will serve as a gentle push toward a distancing that might have been coming anyway.
那么，当你的关系在被允许的空间形状中成长时，当那个空间改变时会发生什么？这可能走向两个方向之一：更多或更少。当一个异地伴侣突然在你的城市有了工作机会，你可能面临着这样的问题：既然距离不再是时间的内置限制，你们真的想花多少时间在一起。也许你们都会抓住加深关系的机会。或者也许你会意识到，实际上，即使你理论上可以跳上地铁每周和他们共进两次晚餐，相当不频繁的彗星式联系仍然最适合你。无论哪种方式，现在你们必须谈论它，因为相隔三个省份不再能为你们解决问题了。在谱系的另一端，也许你三年来每周见两次面的人突然不得不搬走去另一个省照顾生病的父母。这可能是一个让你们都意识到想要更多的机会——分开的想法可能是你需要决定实际上想住在一起的催化剂。或者也许这次搬家将作为一个温和的推力，推动原本可能就会发生的疏远。
Opportunity shifts like these can be enlightening. They can help show you what you really want; they can jolt you out of complacency. You might not always like what you learn. It can feel crappy to realize you don’t really mind that someone’s suddenly unavailable—you maybe should have noticed months ago that you just weren’t really into them anymore. It can be shocking to figure out that you’re actually deeply attached to someone only when suddenly faced with the possibility that they might not be around as much. These shifts can also be painful, particularly if they catalyze one person in one direction (“I want to follow you!”) and take the other person in the opposite direction (“Well, I guess this is goodbye …”).
像这样的机会转移可能具有启发性。它们可以帮助你看到你真正想要什么；它们可以让你摆脱自满。你可能并不总是喜欢你学到的东西。意识到你并不真的介意某人突然不可用感觉很糟糕——你也许几个月前就该注意到你不再真的喜欢他们了。当你突然面对某人可能不再经常在身边这一可能性时，才发现你实际上对他们有着深厚的依恋，这可能会令人震惊。这些转变也可能是痛苦的，特别是如果它们催化一个人朝一个方向发展（“我想跟随你！”）而带另一个人走向相反的方向（“好吧，我想这就是再见了……”）。
It takes some grace and care to navigate these situations, which can be delicate enough between just two people. You may need to express what you want and need in a whole new way, and depending on the circumstances, you may not get it. Also, when opportunity shifts happen, they can be disruptive to the structures of your larger nonmonogamous networks, particularly if they cause a cascade of changes: Grey moves to town, so Shen starts spending way more time with them, which makes AJ realize they want a nesting partner, which makes Jazz realize they need to break up with AJ … and so on.
驾驭这些情况需要一些优雅和小心，即使只有两个人，这也可能足够微妙。你可能需要以全新的方式表达你的愿望和需求，根据情况，你可能得不到它。此外，当机会转移发生时，它们可能会破坏你更大的非单偶制网络的结构，特别是如果它们引起一系列连锁反应：格雷 (Grey) 搬进城里，所以沉 (Shen) 开始花更多时间陪他们，这让 AJ 意识到他们想要一个同居伴侣，这让爵士 (Jazz) 意识到他们需要和 AJ 分手……等等。
The important thing is to be honest with yourself and with your partners about what you want and what you don’t want. While it’s good to recognize the impact that circumstances have—on what you do and on what you even consider to be possible—don’t let the circumstances do the work of making your relationship decisions for you. They shouldn’t be used as excuses; don’t say “We can’t keep dating if you live so far away!” when what you really mean is “I don’t think I’m willing to invest in a long-distance relationship with you.” And don’t let them artificially limit you any more than strictly necessary, either. Sometimes a stumbling block really can be a stepping stone—maybe instead of suffering through a 14-hour time zone difference, moving to Australia for a year while a partner is on sabbatical there is actually just the shakeup you need.
重要的是要对自己和伴侣诚实，关于你想要什么和不想要什么。虽然认识到环境的影响——对你所做的事情以及甚至你认为可能的事情——是件好事，但不要让环境为你做关系决定。它们不应该被用作借口；当你真正的意思是“我觉得我不愿意和你进行异地恋”时，不要说“如果你住得那么远，我们就不能继续约会了！”也不要让它们人为地限制你超过绝对必要的程度。有时绊脚石真的可以是垫脚石——也许与其忍受 14 小时的时差，不如在伴侣休假期间去澳大利亚住一年，这实际上正是你需要的调整。
Opportunities can shift due to circumstances totally beyond your control. But that doesn’t mean you have no power to shift them yourself. Instead of seeing opportunity shifts as random acts of nature to which you are helplessly subjected, let them remind you that you can have a hand in creating them on purpose.
机会可能会因完全超出你控制的情况而转移。但这并不意味着你没有力量自己转移它们。不要把机会转移看作是你无助地遭受的随机自然行为，让它们提醒你，你可以有意地参与创造它们。
Staying friends with your exes
Section titled “Staying friends with your exes”和前任做朋友 (Staying friends with your exes)
Section titled “和前任做朋友 (Staying friends with your exes)”There’s a saying among many nonmonogamous people: “Relationships don’t end, they just change.” It’s a noble idea, and one that society in general could probably benefit from. In a mononormative worldview, it’s quite common to see ex-partners as potential threats to a relationship, and many people don’t want to maintain friendships with exes (or, more to the point, don’t want their partners to maintain friendships with exes).
许多非单偶制者常说：“关系不会结束，它们只是会改变。”这是一个崇高的想法，整个社会可能都会从中受益。在单偶常态的世界观中，将前伴侣视为关系的潜在威胁是很常见的，许多人不想与前任保持友谊（或者更确切地说，不想让他们的伴侣与前任保持友谊）。
Ceasing all contact with exes is easier to do when a breakup just means you each disappear back into the roiling mass of undifferentiated (monogamous) humanity from whence you emerged. It’s a lot harder in smaller communities, including queer, kink and nonmonogamy-focused circles, because it’s harder to avoid socializing with former partners. The same is true if your dating pool tends to be focused on niche hobbies or subcultures, or if you live in a place with a small population, such as an island, small town or rural area.
当分手仅仅意味着你们各自消失回你们从中出现的无差别（单偶制）人群中时，切断与前任的所有联系更容易做到。在较小的社区，包括酷儿、性癖和关注非单偶制的圈子里，这要难得多，因为很难避免与前伴侣社交。如果你的约会池倾向于集中在小众爱好或亚文化上，或者如果你住在一个人口稀少的地方，如岛屿、小镇或农村地区，情况也是如此。
But staying friends with your exes is not just something you might be semi-forced to do by dint of proximity. Provided a relationship isn’t ending because of grievous betrayal, the intimacy and knowledge that partners have built up together over time can serve as a really solid and beautiful foundation for a friendship (or, if you’re a relationship anarchist, another variety of more-ship). A former metamour of Eve’s uses the word retromour to refer to past partners who are still in her life, acknowledging the unique nature of friendships that are shaped by past intimacy. This is another reason why nonmonogamous talk of “transitioning” a relationship rather than just “breaking up” is often an accurate description, not a euphemism. In mononormative culture, the idea of ending a romance and becoming “just friends” is often treated as a joke, or a promise meant to alleviate guilt but that’s never really followed through on. In the world of nonmonogamy, it’s often entirely real and valuable.
但是，与前任保持朋友关系不仅仅是因为接近而可能半被迫做的事情。只要关系不是因为严重的背叛而结束，伴侣随着时间的推移建立起来的亲密感和了解可以作为友谊（或者，如果你是关系安那其主义者，另一种“更多关系”[more-ship]）真正坚实而美丽的基础。伊芙的一位前表侣使用复古伴侣 (retromour) 一词来指代仍在她生活中的过去伴侣，承认由过去亲密关系塑造的友谊的独特性。这也是为什么非单偶制谈论“过渡”一段关系而不仅仅是“分手”通常是准确的描述，而不是委婉语的另一个原因。在单偶常态文化中，结束浪漫关系并成为“普通朋友”的想法通常被视为笑话，或是旨在减轻内疚但从未真正兑现的承诺。在非单偶制的世界里，这往往是完全真实和有价值的。
Resuming contact may take a while; breakups are painful and raw, and a cooling-off period of no contact is often advisable, possibly for weeks or months (or even years). But time mellows all things, and nonmonogamous exes often eventually find that they can build a lasting friendship—up to and including becoming long-term chosen family to each other. In queer circles, this is incredibly common, to the point of being a sort of cultural in-joke. When you start asking people at a backyard Pride barbecue how they know the host, chances are you’ll discover half of them are their exes.
恢复联系可能需要一段时间；分手是痛苦和生硬的，通常建议有一段不联系的冷静期，可能是几周或几个月（甚至几年）。但时间会冲淡一切，非单偶制前任通常最终会发现他们可以建立持久的友谊——甚至包括成为彼此长期的选择家庭。在酷儿圈子里，这非常普遍，甚至成了一种文化内部笑话。当你在后院的骄傲节烧烤会上开始问人们是如何认识主人的时候，你很可能会发现其中一半是他们的前任。
Exit strategies
Section titled “Exit strategies”退出策略 (Exit strategies)
Section titled “退出策略 (Exit strategies)”Some folks advocate for creating an “exit strategy” early on in a relationship to help ensure friendly transitions. You may not want to think at the beginning about how things could end, but that’s exactly the point: it’s better to talk about (and commit to) how you want to treat each other when you’re still seeing the best in each other and more inclined to be generous, than when you’re in conflict and pain. It’s also better to try to avoid potentially hurtful surprises and discuss incompatibilities, such as when one person wants a long no-contact period and one wants a smooth transition into friendship, when they’re still hypotheticals.
有些人主张在关系早期制定“退出策略”，以帮助确保友好的过渡。你可能不想在一开始就思考事情会如何结束，但这正是关键所在：在你们仍然看到彼此最好的一面并更倾向于慷慨大方时谈论（并承诺）你们想如何对待彼此，比在你们处于冲突和痛苦中时要好。这也更好地尝试避免潜在的伤害性意外并讨论不兼容性，例如当一个人想要很长的不联系期而另一个人想要平稳过渡到友谊时，在这些还只是假设的时候讨论。
An exit strategy for a non-escalator relationship might not look much like a mononormative prenup, and you can’t anticipate everything that might happen, but it could include things like how you would want to make the decision, how you want it communicated, whether you want to try relationship counselling first, if you’ll want a no contact and for how long, what your hopes and intentions are for staying in each other’s lives, how you prefer to handle mutual friendships and shared events, and more. You can also revisit it as your relationship changes—but ideally not when a possible transition is actually near. The goal of an exit strategy should be to help create a sense of safety and security, not to create anxiety that you’re about to break up. It’s more about discussing what kindness looks like to you, and committing to it in specific ways that matter to your partner before you’re experiencing the emotional pressures that might make it hard.
非自动扶梯关系的退出策略看起来可能不太像单偶常态的婚前协议，你无法预测可能发生的一切，但它可以包括诸如你希望如何做决定、你希望如何沟通、你们是否想先尝试关系咨询、你们是否想要不联系期以及多长时间、你们对留在彼此生活中的希望和意图是什么、你们更喜欢如何处理共同友谊和共享活动等等。随着关系的变化，你们也可以重新审视它——但理想情况下不要在可能的过渡实际临近时。退出策略的目标应该是帮助建立安全感和保障感，而不是制造你们即将分手的焦虑。这更多的是关于讨论善良对你来说是什么样子的，并在你经历可能使其变得困难的情绪压力之前，以对你伴侣重要的方式承诺这一点。
When a partner’s other relationship ends
Section titled “When a partner’s other relationship ends”当伴侣的另一段关系结束时
Section titled “当伴侣的另一段关系结束时”At some point, you are likely to find yourself involved with someone who has another relationship that’s falling apart. This can put you in the complex position of needing to be supportive while also, quite likely, having your own feelings about the breakup. As a baseline, it can be hard to see someone you love in pain, when often you can do little other than be a shoulder to cry on and a place of refuge if needed. This is one of the downsides to nonmonogamy; the odds are good that, sooner or later, someone else will hurt somebody you love, and there’s not a lot you can do about it.
在某个时刻，你很可能会发现自己与一个另一段关系正在破裂的人在一起。这可能会让你处于复杂的境地，既需要支持，又很可能对分手有自己的感受。作为基准，看着你爱的人痛苦是很难受的，而你通常除了做一个可以哭泣的肩膀和需要的避难所之外别无他法。这是非单偶制的缺点之一；很有可能，迟早会有别人伤害你爱的人，而你对此无能为力。
More complicated cases are common, too. For example, maybe you’re secretly (or not-so-secretly) thrilled that a toxic relationship is finally ending, so that your beloved partner can heal. Maybe you’re angry at them for staying so long while it was clearly not working, and in fact may have been harming you as well as your partner—you might have a case of the “I told you sos” that you’ll need to rein in if you want to be properly supportive, or you may be angry at your partner’s poor judgment. In another register of emotion, sometimes your metamours have become vital parts of your life: trusted friends and confidants, delightful co-conspirators, even cherished chosen family. You may form attached relationships with them in your own right, even if they remain totally platonic, including major life entwinements such as living together. And you may be romantically involved, such as in a triad, where a breakup between two people reconfigures the structure into a vee. In cases like these, your partner’s breakup affects you directly, and it can be devastating—even sometimes totally destabilizing to the relationships that remain. To make matters worse, if you don’t have a lot of nonmonogamous friends, it can be hard to find people to talk to who are able to understand and mirror the complex mix of emotions you could be experiencing. Go easy on yourself, and know that no matter how weird and isolated you might feel right now, what you’re going through is normal. Many others have been where you are.
更复杂的情况也很常见。例如，也许你暗地里（或不那么暗地里）为一个有毒关系的终于结束而感到兴奋，这样你心爱的伴侣就可以痊愈了。也许你对他们在一个明显行不通的关系中呆了这么久感到愤怒，实际上这也可能伤害了你和你的伴侣——如果你想给予适当的支持，你可能需要克制“我早就告诉过你”的冲动，或者你可能对伴侣糟糕的判断感到愤怒。在另一种情感层面上，有时你的表侣已经成为你生活中至关重要的部分：值得信赖的朋友和知己、令人愉快的同谋，甚至是珍爱的选择家庭。你可能会凭借自己的权利与他们建立依恋关系，即使它们完全保持柏拉图式，包括像同居这样的重大生活交织。而且你们可能有浪漫关系，比如在三人组中，两个人之间的分手将结构重新配置为 V 型。在这些情况下，你伴侣的分手直接影响到你，这可能是毁灭性的——甚至有时完全破坏剩余关系的稳定。更糟糕的是，如果你没有很多非单偶制朋友，很难找到可以交谈的人，他们能理解并反映你可能正在经历的复杂混合情绪。对自己宽容一点，要知道无论你现在感觉多么奇怪和孤立，你正在经历的事情是正常的。许多其他人也曾经历过你的处境。
In other cases, particularly if you are a relatively new partner and your metamour has been in relationship with your partner for longer than you have, you may be cast as the villain who “stole” your partner from your metamour. You may even worry about this yourself! It can feel terrible to show up with only the best of intentions only to find that your presence disrupts a long-term relationship to the point where it can’t be saved. If you’re in this scenario: Remember that as long as you act with integrity and recognize your partner’s right to make choices, without controlling or manipulating them or trying to undermine their other partnerships, you are not responsible for their relationships with their other partners. You are not to blame simply because you have added value to another person’s life.
在其他情况下，特别是如果你是一个相对较新的伴侣，而你的表侣与你伴侣的关系比你长，你可能会被塑造成从表侣手中“偷走”伴侣的恶棍。你甚至可能自己也担心这一点！带着最好的意图出现，结果却发现你的存在破坏了一段长期关系，以至于无法挽回，这种感觉太糟糕了。如果你处于这种场景中：请记住，只要你以正直的态度行事，并承认你伴侣做出选择的权利，不控制或操纵他们，也不试图破坏他们的其他伙伴关系，你就不对他们与其他伴侣的关系负责。仅仅因为你为另一个人的生活增添了价值，你无需受到指责。
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题
Mononormativity offers few models for relationships that transition—there’s either breaking up or staying together, and not much else. You may not face all the different kinds of transitions we’ve discussed in this chapter, but you’ll almost certainly have to deal with at least one or two of them. Here are some questions that can help you navigate various transitions:
单偶常态几乎没有为关系过渡提供模型——要么分手，要么在一起，除此之外别无其他。你可能不会面临我们在本章讨论的所有不同类型的过渡，但你几乎肯定要处理至少一两个。以下是一些可以帮助你驾驭各种过渡的问题：
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How do I want to approach the end of my relationships? What principles, resources and ways of thinking do I feel strongly about when it comes to how I handle breakups?
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Who can I turn to for support if I’m grieving a breakup? What other resources would help—books, therapy, art, movement …?
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How do I feel about staying friends with my exes? What steps do I need to take to ensure this happens?
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If a relationship within my nonmonogamous network ends, what does that mean for everyone else in the network? What does it mean for people in our lives who aren’t intimate partners, such as kids, friends or others? How can we communicate about this?
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How would I feel about an opportunity shift with one or more of my partners? If we realize that an opportunity shift would radically change our relationship, is there something we can choose to change deliberately, instead of waiting for circumstances to do it for us?
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What kinds of things would I want to address in an exit strategy? What kinds of commitments would I want to make to my partners about how I will handle transitions?
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我想如何处理我关系的结束？在处理分手时，我对哪些原则、资源和思维方式有强烈的感受？
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如果我正在为分手而悲伤，我可以向谁寻求支持？还有什么其他资源会有帮助——书籍、治疗、艺术、运动……？
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我对和前任做朋友有什么感觉？我需要采取什么步骤来确保这发生？
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如果我的非单偶制网络中的一段关系结束了，这对网络中的其他人意味着什么？这对我们生活中不是亲密伴侣的人（如孩子、朋友或其他）意味着什么？我们可以如何沟通这一点？
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我对与一个或多个伴侣的机会转移有什么感觉？如果我们意识到机会转移会从根本上改变我们的关系，我们是否可以选择故意改变某些事情，而不是等待环境为我们做这件事？
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我想在退出策略中解决什么样的事情？关于我将如何处理过渡，我想对我的伴侣做出什么样的承诺？
* After the “Schrödinger’s cat” thought experiment, in which people are asked to imagine a cat that is simultaneously alive and dead.
* 源于“薛定谔的猫”思想实验，该实验要求人们想象一只同时处于生死状态的猫。