The Future of Nonmonogamy 非单偶制的未来
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Transform yourself to transform the world. GRACE LEE BOGGS1
改变你自己，以改变世界。 格蕾丝·李·博格斯 (Grace Lee Boggs)1
When we started working on this book together, we had a conversation that went something like this:
当我们开始一起写这本书时，我们进行了一次类似这样的对话：
“What do we see as being the purpose of this book? What are we trying to accomplish?” “Well, it’s kind of an everything book.” “Right. Okay, that sounds easy. Let’s get started!” (Cue gales of terrified laughter.)
“我们认为这本书的目的是什么？我们试图完成什么？” “嗯，它有点像一本包罗万象的书。” “对。好吧，听起来很容易。让我们开始吧！”（提示：一阵恐惧的笑声。）
Nonmonogamy has always been one of those places where micro and macro meet—where the intimate choices we make in our everyday lives intersect with social currents and global realities that are bigger than any of us. It might be hard to see how a quiet conversation with someone you love (“So, sweetheart, I’ve been curious about open relationships …”) could have anything to do with, say, the impact of colonization on how land was distributed hundreds of years ago, and from there, how we understand family structures and kinship. It might not be intuitive to understand how sharing a kiss with a stranger at a sex party connects with the ways capitalism has informed our notions of love and desire or how attachment theory and trauma research could help us make better choices.
非单偶制一直是一个微观与宏观相遇的地方——我们在日常生活中做出的亲密选择与比我们任何人都大的社会潮流和全球现实相交汇。很难看出与你爱的人进行一次安静的谈话（“所以，亲爱的，我一直对开放关系很好奇……”）与数百年前殖民化对土地分配的影响有什么关系，进而与我们如何理解家庭结构和亲属关系有什么关系。理解在性派对上与陌生人接吻如何与资本主义影响我们对爱和欲望的观念相联系，或者依恋理论和创伤研究如何帮助我们做出更好的选择，可能并不直观。
Of course, no one book can be an “everything book,” but we have tried to keep coming back to those big macro questions: Why do we see love, relationships, sexuality, family and commitment the ways that we do? How did we get here? Is this where we want to be? Is it serving us and bringing us health, joy, connection and meaning? What would we like to change? How can we do that?
当然，没有一本书能成为“包罗万象的书”，但我们试图不断回到那些宏大的问题：为什么我们以这种方式看待爱、关系、性、家庭和承诺？我们是如何走到这一步的？这是我们想待的地方吗？它是否在为我们服务，并带给我们健康、快乐、连接和意义？我们想改变什么？我们该怎么做？
At the same time, we’ve tried to avoid floating off into pure theory-land. We have tried to stay grounded in the concrete realities of our bodies, our lives, the individual people we connect with and care about, and the day-to-day responsibilities on which we place importance. And that leads to a different range of questions: How do we balance honesty and respect for others’ privacy? How do we navigate the currents of power that come up between any two or more people when we’re trying to balance connection and freedom, safety and kindness? How do we take care of ourselves and be good to others? (Whose turn is it to make dinner, and did they get that list of everyone’s dietary restrictions?)
与此同时，我们试图避免飘入纯理论的领域。我们试图扎根于我们身体、生活、我们连接和关心的具体个人以及我们重视的日常责任的具体现实中。这导致了一系列不同的问题：我们如何平衡诚实与尊重他人隐私？当我们试图平衡连接与自由、安全与善良时，我们如何驾驭任何两个或更多人之间出现的权力流？我们如何照顾好自己并善待他人？（轮到谁做晚饭了，他们拿到每个人的饮食限制清单了吗？）
Does this all sound way bigger than just “nonmonogamy”? Well, it is, but that’s only because the reality of nonmonogamy is a lot bigger than the way it’s often portrayed. Nonmonogamy isn’t about getting lost in the fancy jargon, going to certain kinds of parties and conferences, or getting laid in exciting new configurations—though it can certainly include all of those things.
这听起来是否比仅仅是“非单偶制”要大得多？嗯，是的，但这只是因为非单偶制的现实比它通常被描绘的方式要大得多。非单偶制不是关于迷失在花哨的术语中，去参加特定类型的派对和会议，或者以令人兴奋的新配置发生性关系——尽管它当然可以包括所有这些事情。
Nonmonogamy gets at one of the scariest questions we have to face today: How do we survive, thrive and love each other in a world that’s rapidly changing? Some people answer that question by clamping down, investing in exploitative relationships and rigid approaches, making fear-based decisions, and having control-based dreams. Nonmonogamous people aren’t any less scared of the future or any less worried about maintaining our relationships—and we’re not immune to the bad habits, problems and challenges that are part of being human. We just consider the possibility that the solutions might lie in being open to the possibility of more love, doing the hard work of figuring out how to be kind, learning to set boundaries while still being generous and compassionate, and putting our energy into growth and connection rather than isolation and disconnection.
非单偶制触及了我们今天必须面对的最可怕的问题之一：在一个快速变化的世界中，我们如何生存、繁荣并彼此相爱？有些人的回答是加强控制，投资于剥削性关系和僵化方法，做出基于恐惧的决定，并拥有基于控制的梦想。非单偶制者并不比别人少害怕未来，也不比别人少担心维持我们的关系——我们也不能免于作为人类一部分的坏习惯、问题和挑战。我们只是考虑到解决方案可能在于对更多爱的可能性持开放态度，努力弄清楚如何变得善良，学习在设定界限的同时保持慷慨和同情，并将我们的精力投入到成长和连接中，而不是孤立和断联。
Nonmonogamy invites us to think in new ways and proposes new possibilities. But nonmonogamy is just one of the many ways people are shifting the way they relate and create and care—away from old models and toward something more adaptable, more in tune with the way our lives work in this millennium. It’s not the only way, and that’s why our goal isn’t to promote nonmonogamy per se. We believe that thinking carefully about all these questions is beneficial for just about all of us, whether or not you end up deciding that nonmonogamy is part of how you want to shape your life. And for those who do decide to go ahead, we’ve tried to make our own small contribution to helping you get a sense of what’s out there, what kind of work you might have to do, what challenges you might face, and how to avoid some common pitfalls. We hope it’s been useful.
非单偶制邀请我们以新的方式思考并提出新的可能性。但非单偶制只是人们改变其联系、创造和关怀方式的众多途径之一——远离旧模式，转向更具适应性、更符合我们在这个千禧年生活方式的东西。这不是唯一的途径，这就是为什么我们的目标本身并不是推广非单偶制。我们相信，仔细思考所有这些问题对我们几乎所有人都有益，无论你最终是否决定非单偶制是你想要塑造生活的一部分。对于那些决定继续前进的人，我们试图做出我们自己的微薄贡献，帮助你了解外面有什么，你可能需要做什么样的工作，你可能面临什么挑战，以及如何避免一些常见的陷阱。我们希望它是有用的。
We also hope that ten years from now, we’ll look back at this book and think: Wow, so much has changed! We’ve learned a lot since then, so many new ideas and fresh thinkers have contributed to the conversation, and amazing people have made genius connections between ideas and asked crucial new questions to keep moving us all forward. Forward to what? Among other things, taking better care of ourselves, each other, our communities and the planet.
我们也希望十年后，当我们回顾这本书时会想：哇，变化真大！从那时起我们学到了很多，这么多新思想和新锐思想家为对话做出了贡献，了不起的人们在思想之间建立了天才般的联系，并提出了关键的新问题，推动我们所有人向前发展。向什么发展？除其他外，更好地照顾我们自己、彼此、我们的社区和地球。
How do we try to enact the change we want to see in the world within our individual everyday choices? How do we love bravely while living in a world that sometimes seems so intent on turning ever more inhuman? Loving more is one way, but ultimately, we hope people learn to love better.
我们如何在我们个人的日常选择中努力实现我们希望在世界上看到的改变？生活在一个有时似乎如此执意变得越来越不人道的世界里，我们如何勇敢地爱？ 爱得更多是一种方式，但归根结底，我们希望人们学会爱得更好。